Q&A: too much yelling?

Dax writes:

"My 2-year-old is doing the "I want you Mom" thing and then 2 minutes later she is on the floor screaming and crying for no reason. Is this normal for a child to do knowing that her mom and dad are not together and there is a step-parent in the picture? She even cries when I yell at her to stop something. I think I really scare her with the yelling. Am I wrong for yelling at her?"

If you think you're scaring her, then you probably are. Everyone yells sometimes, but if you feel like yelling is your main form of "discipline," you should reevaluate how you're communicating.

The common-sense question to ask yourself about anything you do to or with your child is "Would I want to be my child in this situation?" That doesn't mean that you always do the pleasant or easy thing, but it does mean you do the thing that makes your child feel safe and understood and empowered to act responsibly. If you think you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of the yelling that you do, then you know you need to stop. (We can go back to Hedra's "Safe, Respectful, and Kind" rules, too. Excessive yelling is neither respectful nor kind. Also not safe, because if you yell all the time and she tunes you out, she won't pay attention when you yell at her to watch out when something's about to hurt her.)

I don't think your being separated from your daughter's father, or her having a step-parent has much to do with it, assuming you all get along and are respectful of each other and she has consistent rules in both houses. I think what's probably making her scream and yell so much is that that's how you talk to her. She gets clingy because she wants your love and closeness, but then when she gets frustrated, she yells, because that's how she sees you handling your frustration.

AN IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm not implying that I don't yell at my kids. I do, but when I find myself yelling I know it's because I'm feeling at my limit. I yell when I lose my shit. It rarely accomplishes what I want it to. I think it bears repeating that you have to take care of yourself and try to manage your own stress level or you won't be able to parent effectively.

The only way to really stop yelling is to 1) avoid getting into situations that make you want to yell, and 2) have another plan in place for what to do instead.

To do #1, you're going to have to pay attention to when you yell. If it helps, write down the times and situations in which you yell for a couple of days. This is going to tell you what your particular yelling triggers are. Once you know what makes you yell, try to figure out some other way to sidestep that situation so it doesn't escalate to yelling. For example, the thing that makes me yell all the time is when we need to leave the house and my older son won't get dressed. Knowing that, I can avoid the yelling trigger by making him get dressed first thing in the morning, and helping him choose clothes and put them on when I'm not under time pressure.

Yes, this takes a lot of analysis and thought for a week or two, but it's going to help you have a happier household for a long time to come. (Now if only I could stick to my own areas of improvement!)

For #2, the first thing I'd do is institute the Safe, Respectful, and Kind rules. She's still a little young to really understand the ramifications, but it's been amazing to me how easy it was for my 4 1/2-year-old to go from ignoring my requests to stop doing something to answering the question "What are the three rules?" with "Well, it's not safe or respectful, so I should stop." And then he actually stops. If you can start presenting things to her through the lens of the three rules, soon enough she'll be able to make those decisions herself. At the very least, it lets her know that there's a reason for your wanting her to stop doing something, not just your arbitrary whim.

The next step is to figure out what will help your daughter behave the way you want her to. Is she too tired? Is she feeling lonely and wanting your attention? Did she have too much excitement and/or sugar that day? If there are things that would help her act better, figure out how you can help her fix the underlying situation so she's able to control her behavior better.

If none of that helps, then distract her with something else. Figure out something that will get her attention, like a toy or giving you a hug or "washing dishes" on a stool at the sink, and do that to stop her from doing what she's doing. It's not teaching her any long-term lessons, but it's stopping her from doing the annoying behavior.

Also, cut yourself a break. Yelling too much is definitely something to work on, but it's not the end of the world. Two-year-olds are extremely tough customers. If you're not getting enough sleep and have other stresses, it's almost impossible not to lose it at least once or twice a day. So work on the tips above, but don't expect to stop yelling overnight, and give yourself credit for the times you stay calm and collected in the face of 2-year-old beastliness. She'll move into an easier phase soon.

Comments

[hedra]

We also say that yelling isn't safe for anyone's ears. Anything that hurts the body or puts it at reasonable risk of being hurt counts. This helps stop entertainment screaming, too (I have two who love to scream, sigh).

It does seem like the yelling thing 'comes and goes'. But there are patterns to that, too. For me, yes, when I'm tired, or stressed, or forgot to take my fish oil, I'll yell more.

But also (and far more importantly), whenever my children grow out from under my expectations and skills, I yell again. It is when I am taken by surprise by something that the old script kicks in, and I find myself saying things that my mother said to me. They don't work any better in my turn than they did for her. It is my job to spot the script, recognize that it is playing for a REASON, and figure out the next step. Yelling is starting to become a signpost to changes in my life and development in my kids, not just 'something bad I've gone back to and must now stop again'. It is there for a reason, and its presence popping up again can be a useful tool. WOO! (I take no credit for this, my DH figured it out first and applied it to me - if I'm yelling, something has changed, what is it?)

My oldest is now pestering his brother in ways he never has. He's starting to get those testosterone surges, and with them, the urge to climb things, fight things, etc. New territory, and flip, I go right back to yelling and asking him how many times I've told him not to do that. Um... oops! Fortunately, the three rules grows with them. I just need to step back, recognize that it isn't 'just that I backslid' but that he 'front-slid' right out from under my expectations. And then I just pick up the old rules again. The answers are more complex, and sometimes subtle, but the question is the same - is that safe, respectful, kind? You tell me. And it still works!

[pnuts mama]

moxie, thank you. this comes at a time when i really need this lesson. i have been feeling like a total failure as a mom b/c i am falling into the family trap of yelling at my kid (when really, all she is doing is being a 16 month old) instead of disciplining her appropriately (i have yet to figure out what that is!), but she is just too little to be yelled at. none of us deserve to be yelled at, but especially not a sweet little girl who is not even old enough to manipulate me yet. all i am teaching her is that yelling is an appropriate way to handle a situation. thank you so much for the suggestions, and if you have any authors/books you could recommend, that would be great too. this is such an incredible site and i let all my mom friends know about it. really, thanks again.

[Amy]

This is not advice (or assvice), just one woman's story:

I'm a yeller (thanks to my yeller mom), but nothing upsets me more than having a "mommie dearest" moment (and these almost exclusively occur in the morning when we are trying to get out the door and my 4.5-yr-old daughter is not cooperating). Seeing my children recoil from me when I lose it breaks my heart. So I've developed a trick:

When I start feeling as though it's going to turn into a mommie dearest morning, I forewarn them. "Mommy really feels like she's going to yell. Can you please put your shoes on right now." (This is said calmly.) Just the thought that I might yell usually jump starts them. If my daughter still refuses to cooperate, I up the ante, "I know you don't like it when I yell, but you are making your brother late to school and that really upsets me. Mommy likes it when we have a nice morning, but you are making that very difficult right now." (Still speaking calmly, though with a little more urgency than before.)

I'm not saying this always works... there are times when I end up yelling even after this scenario. But then I can also point out to her that she had fair warning of my mood and she still chose to make us late.

There are two other things I do in terms of yelling. As a child, what I hated most about being yelled at was that my mother took her initial yelling at me about, say, my forgetting my lunch and expanded it as an opportunity to yell at me for everything that I'd done to frustrate her in the past several days. Thus, I never continue the yelling. Once my head has spun around over our tardiness in getting out the door, I drop it. Sure, I'd like to spend the next 15 minutes yelling at them for their dirty room, the french fries on the floor of the car, the toys on the stairs... but I don't. The other thing I always do is apologize. I don't want my children to think yelling is acceptable or appropriate. I'm human... I make mistakes. And as I expect them to apologize when they do soemthing wrong, I do it too.

Not to hijack the comments, but one more thing. My children are children of divorce as well with a step-parent in the picture. My daughter spends lots of time asking for her father, especially when she's not getting her way with me. I don't take it personally. SHe didn't ask for the divorce and she has little control over her life. I think a lot of her being difficult (ie, the morning routine and other odd behaviors) is her attempt to exert some control over her life. I try to be understanding.

[Amy]

Just a note, as I reread my comment it makes it sound like I do more than yell. I do not. No physical violence ever. My "mommie dearest" reference is strictly geared toward the verbal assault... and the recoiling from me. Well, they do both physically jump when I yell b/c it scares the bejeezus out of them. Effective, yes. But so not worth the guilt of knowing I scared my babies.

[JOY]

i UNDERSTAND. i HAVE A 7YEAR BOY. i HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 6 YEARS. i HAVE NOY DATTED ANYONE IN 6 YERS. THAT MY SON KNOWS ABOUT. i HAVE VERY HARD TIME IN THE MORNING. i YELL , HE CRY, AND i SAY i AM SORRY.
jOY

[Jennifer Palumbo]

I have found that yelling does not accomplish anything other than upsetting yourself and the person you are yelling at even more. People tend to stop listening to you when your verbal communication is in shouts. I spent a few years living with a verbally abusive step-mother. I have no idea what the sociopaths problem was, maybe if she communicated a little more kindly I could have figured it out. Talking calmly is a much better way to communicate with another, regardless of their age.

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