Q&A: older kids sharing a room

Amy writes:

"I'm expecting baby #3 and will have some space issues when this one arrives. We live in a 3 bedroom house, but one of the bedrooms is downstairs (not the Master) and neither of my chlidren (currently 6.5 and 4.5) want to sleep down there alone. So they share the other upstairs bedroom. They are a boy and girl, but at this age they don't seem to care about sharing the room. We have several options when the new baby arrives for bedroom sharing, but I'm leaning towards making the downstairs bedroom a "sleeping porch" and turning the upstairs bedroom into a big playroom/family room. The idea behind this is that the "sleeping porch" would only be for sleeping--no child can enter the room until it's time to sleep, while the upstairs playroom will serve as the space for all toys, a kids TV, all books, etc.

Now to the question... I'm an only child and therefore totally ignorant about children's needs for personal space. I realize that at some point my son (the oldest) will want his own room, as will my daughter, but at what age will that occur? Do you think the sharing of a "sleeping porch" will work until one of the older children is comfortable having the downstairs bedroom all to themselves at which point the upstairs room can be reconverted to a bedroom for the other two?

I'm also open to other suggestions about bedroom sharing between different-sex children."

I kind of dig the sleeping porch idea. It's very bunk-beds-at-Grandma's-cabin-with-your-cousins-in-the-summer. The only concern I can think of about it is whether all three kids will be able to fall asleep together in the same room, or if it'll end up being an all-night gigglefest. Since your older two already share a room successfully it's probably not going to be an issue, since they'll set the tone for the baby.

My kids are still little, and my brother and I stopped sharing a bedroom when I was maybe 8 (I can't remember, so it must not have been an issue, although I do remember being really excited to choose the paint color for my new room), so I don't have any firsthand knowledge of when kids of opposite sexes want to stop sharing a room. My hunch is that they'll start wanting their own space as preteens, right about the same time they'll be excited about having a bedroom on a different floor from everyone else.

I think as long as your kids know that they can tell you if they want to switch, you won't have to worry about it until it happens. It might not be the older kid switching out for a single room, either. It's possible that the two older ones will start annoying each other, but the oldest one will still be fine sharing with the youngest one (whether it's a boy or girl), so the middle one will move out. It seems like this is the kind of thing that will depend so much on individual personalities that there's no way to know how it will go until the baby is here and interacting with the other two.

Any readers out there who have gone through this situation with siblings of opposite sexes already? How did room-sharing go? At what age did the kids want to stop sharing? Any tips to make this easier for Amy?

Comments

[Julia]

We had a summer place, and the kids slept on the sleeping porch... well, until they weren't kids anymore. Still do. It wasn't something that could be changed, so we just dealt with it. I think my brother got mad at me one summer and put up a tent over his bed (he was probably 12ish) and now that I think about it... yeah, it was probably for privacy, too. I don't know if it was because from September-May we had our own bedrooms at home, but I never questioned the sleeping porch.

[Jodie]

My brother and I shared a room until we were about 10 and 11 and I loved it so much. We did talk until late at night though! I think he was the one that wanted to move first, and Mum converted a spare sitting room into his bedroom.

As for your 3 kids, I think they will be fine sharing for awhile. Then, like Greg Brady did, one of them will see that being in their own room is kinda cool. Problem then might be that they ALL want their own room!

I always think it's great to have a room for toys and playing, and I think the sleeping porch idea sounds workable and fun. Just make sure the older kids have somewhere they can do their schoolwork uninterrupted, too.

[Rudyinparis]

I absolutely hate that this must be brought up, but I believe in my state (MN) it is actually against the law for opposite-sex children to share a room after a certain age--something like 5. You may want to check with Child Protection Services in your state on this. Would anything happen if your state has such a law and you don't abide by it? Probably not. But just a heads up.

[Sarah]

My brother and I shared a bedroom until I was something like 9 or 10 years old, then my parents moved me into my own room. I never minded sharing a room with my brother, but I was excited to get my own room. My brother and I did talk and giggle some after lights out, but it wasn't for hours and it's one of my best childhood memories. :-) Oh, and we slept on a separate level from my parents for most of our childhoods.

[Jennifer]

Lots of families have shared bedrooms not just for space reasons:

Story One: My neighbor had 5 children under the age of 10; they have a huge house and each child actually had his/her own bedroom. They also have a HUGE playroom. Even so, they all (4 boys and a girl) shared the bedroom of the oldest boy until the 6th baby came along because they all just liked being together. (About the same time, the oldest turned 11 and he and the next oldest moved into their own rooms). Now three (all <= 8) still share the little girl's room. Mom says that they'll move into their rooms as they feel like it--and as has already happened with the oldest two.

Story 2--my sister-in-law has an 11 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. Each had co-slept with the parents until about 3 years old. When they all moved into a larger house, Mom and Dad took it as an opportunity to get their daughter sleeping in her own room. Even thought there was plenty of space, the kids shared a room until about 6 months ago because the girl was frightened to be in her room by herself and her older brother said he'd sleep on a mattress on the floor until she was ready to be on her own. Now, everyone is sleeping well in his/her own bedroom.

[luolin]

I shared a room with my brother until I was 13 and he was 10. Bunk Beds. It was a two bedroom apartment, and the only other rooms were the kitchen and the living room, so there wasn't much choice. We only got our own rooms because we got evicted and moved into a 3BR house with my mother's partner.

I don't remember the boy/girl thing being a problem for us, just the sibling rivalry thing, plus we had very different habits as far as neatness went. I can imagine it would have been more difficult to share as we got older.

This seems like a class-based problem; most people in the world don't have lots of bedrooms. My brother and I were happy to get our own rooms, and probably would have been happy to get them earlier, we just didn't have the option.

[ALG]

I grew up in a three bedroom house with two sisters and a brother. Until my sister was 4 and my brother was 6, they shared a bedroom and my older sister (11) and I (9) shared a room. After that, the girls all shared one room and my brother got his own room. I won't lie--it was crowded and BOTH my sisters talked in their sleep (sometimes). We had a bunk bed and a twin bed. We shared two dressers and one closet (with my little sister keeping some of her clothes in my brother's room) and eve

ntually an additional cardboard drawer unit. However, it was really a "sleeping porch" kind of a thing and all we did in the room was sleep, read, and get dressed/undressed, as the three girls had individual, separate play and study areas in the finished basement (separated by "walls," i.e. bookcases). Also, because my older sister and I were 6 and 8 years older than my little sister, we would turn on bedside lamps and read after she was asleep, and we had vastly different bedtimes. (I quickly learned to get in pajamas in the dark.)

I agree with Luolin that this is a class-based problem, and not a very big one, in my opinion.

[zinemama]

I think having a room just for sleeping is a great idea. However, in your shoes I wouln't have it on th first floor unless the "play" room upstairs is substantially bigger.

I spend most of my time on the first floor - kitchen, livingroom - and I like having the playroom right there, so I can keep an eye and an ear out for what's going on. And at night, I wouldn't want to haul myself to another floor if someone needs me.

As for the rest of it, I agree with pp that this will sort itself out according to your kids personalities.

[Shara]

I'm an only and can't share my personal experience. I had 3 cousins, 2 girls and a boy who had a unique room sharing arrangement. 2 kids would share a room and the 3rd would have their own room. And they would swap every 6 months so every one took turns in the single room. This worked well until the oldest were 10 and 11 when they moved into a larger home.

[Asha]

My kids are 7 (son) and almost 3.5 (daughter) and we have found that sharing a room has been wonderful for them. We have a nice in-between situation where they actually have separate rooms, but hers is a dormer off of his, so they're totally connected. They comfort each other at night, whisper and play games on the weekends, and generally bond in a way they can't when other friends and parents are around.

[Ali]

Until I was about 10, I lived with four siblings in a small room in an inner-city house, and it was awful. My second-youngest sibling was a very sick child who was in and out of hospital a lot, and would cry and cry and cry through the night for the first three or four years of her life. This meant my parents were dealing with three older cranky sleep-deprived children as well as a sick child. Then they had another kid, so we went back to crying-baby stage for another two years.
I remember it being noisy, and a bit smelly, and incredibly difficult to keep clean.
I also remember thinking that my mum was a super-hero, because she had all of us within 9 years *AND* did her masters degree *AND* worked full-time. I have revised my theory to decide that maybe she was just nuts.
Anyway, I guess my point is, take into account sleeping issues when you're putting younger and older kids together, because I cannot even imagine the stress of dealing with three sleep-deprived kids all at once. That's all.

[Amy]

Thanks for all the advice!! It helps to know that I won't be torturing them if they share a while longer. My mother--the oldest of 6--is horrified that I am "putting my kids through this." But I think (and your advice confirms) that perhaps she's over-dramatizing the situation. They currently love sharing a room... I'll stick with it until someone requests otherwise.

[Anne]

My neighbor up the street is a recently divorced mom of 11 year old fraternal twins, a boy and a girl, and a 7 year old girl. All three kids share a room, with a three story bunk bed. The bottom half of the house they are renting is only a two bedroom and there just is no other way to do it. Granted the youngest still ends up in bed with mom a lot and her son occasionally sleeps on the daybed that is in the living room but it seems to be working for them. I do know that the twins have always shared a room and they still seem fine with it but my neighbor admits that her living situation will have to change sooner rather than later it is just difficult with her current income and our very tight rental market.

[Rose]

My husband and I were just talking about this idea recently. We have a 2 year old boy and are expecting another (sex unknown) in January. Our current house has a huge loft bedroom, and one smaller bedroom on the main floor. Currently, we all sleep in the loft -- we have a king size bed and a toddler bed (sometimes he sleeps with us, sometimes in his own bed) and we still have room for a crib and a baby hammock without feeling crowded. The downstairs bedroom is used as a playroom. It has a queen bed where he naps (rare occurrence these days) since it has a door to close, and occasionally it's used as a guest room. We're thinking we like the idea of a "family sleeping room" and will continue to all share a room for the foreseeable future. Even if we end up in a house with more bedrooms, I like the idea of one room where everyone sleeps and other rooms being designated for other age-appropriate activities, like crafts, or a quiet room/study.

I'll admit, we're pretty non-traditional in a lot of our thinking, but I do believe the idea of each child needing their own room/space/privacy is definitely a recent and class-driven concept. I'm pretty sure my grandfather and his 12 siblings had to share a room, even a bed, sometimes in shifts!

[Alex]

hi my names alex and i'm from australia and i share a room with my brat sister and she never sleeps in her room but she messes it so bad i feel like it is a health hazard prob is my mum blams me for it and the only time she wants to sleep in the room is when my friends are over they get so annoyed and hardly want to come over i asked my mum if i could stay in my little brothers room cause we get along and my friends do to but she said there is a law against it i'm a 13yr old girl and he is a 10yr old but were brother and sister it don't make sense why there is a law against it.

[Chris]

Hi,

My husband and I just found out that we are unexpextedly expecting our second child. We have a 7 year old daughter.

We just purchased a 2 bedroom home and have just recently become resettled here. Now one of our concerns is the sharing of a bedroom for the children.

Our daughter still sneaks in with us most nights as it is, so we think she'll welcome the company in her room, but there are other elements to the concern...what if it's a boy?, what about 2-3 years from now?...

[Robin24]

Parents please relax about children sharing bedroom. It not a crime, it not a sin, it not abnormal. People and I sorry to say this I mean women need to keep their mouth, nose out of your living quarters. You parent set the rules, values, moral and teach them to have respect you not have any problems. You children will learn when to give eachother extra privates and let each other have their space.

Keep those sicko out of your home. They just love to stir up trouble because they are evil.

P.S. Teenage can share bedroom also. Nothing sexually will go on. If it does because someone put junk in their head.

[new balance]

To really understand a man we must judge him in misfortune .

[abercrombie deutschland]

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