Q&A: having a baby--worth it or not?

Jennifer writes:

"We have been starting to think about having a baby, so I have been perusing some of your archives for pertinent info.  And I must say, the more I learn overall, the more I wonder, WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS??  I love kids, always thought I would have them eventually, and sometimes feel the urge, but not very much.  I will be thirty next year. Seriously, the more I think about it, the more conflicted I become, and feel like I am being driven primarily by fear on both sides.  We should go ahead and do it because life is short, what if something happens, what if it takes a while, etc.  We should wait a while or not do it ever because what about the money, the fact that I live far away from my family and generally am homesick as it is, and the pain, physical and emotional pain. 

I was just reading through the plan to prevent PPD and I feel like if we went ahead I would be setting myself up for failure.  I feel like if I have any hesitation I should wait, but then everyone says "there is never a right time!" but what if suddenly ten or fifteen years fly by, what then? 

 

I know myself and I don't like change and I hate doctors so maybe that has something to do with it.  All I know is I feel like I am drowning in anxiety just thinking about this - and it hasn't even happened yet.  Do you have any recommendations of books to read or things to do to get a grip here.  I am working through "Maybe Baby" and thus far, it hasn't helped.

Sorry if this makes no sense!  I really can get myself worked up just thinking about this.  For example - my wedding.  I know I can be prone to stressing out over things, so I decided, some things I am going to care about, some things I am not going to care about.  I am going to worry about the invitations and then not care at all what people eat or how things are decorated.  This strategy went over fabulously, but I don't see a way I can apply this to pregnancy.  I can't exactly say, well, I am going to care about having support set up for after, but not going to stress out about what to eat."

See, I'll disagree that you can't let a bunch of things slide. If you're reading What To Expect or any of the really alarmist books, you get the feeling that you have to do every single thing right during pregnancy. But any of us who were really depressed during pregnancy (so depressed we couldn't force ourselves to eat healthfully, or exercise, or think happy positive thoughts, or even imagine that it wasn't all some elaborate vicious hoax that wouldn't end in a real baby after all) are proof that you can let some things slide and still have perfectly healthy children and be great parents to them.

And, honestly, the pregnancy is 9 months, but parenting is for a lifetime. If you just can't get it together to eat 5 servings of vegetables or break the Cheetos habit or cut down to 2 cups of coffee, you do what you can. It's way more important to put your energy toward helping get yourself set up to deal with the baby and your new role once the baby is on the outside.

The other thing to remember about parenting is that there is no perfect. You do the best that you can at that particular moment. It helps if you have good support, and if you can identify some guiding principles before the baby arrives to help you make decisions on the fly. But no one is perfect, and everyone comes out of childhood with some scars, even those of us who were parented by thoughtful people who were free to follow their own good instincts. You do the best you can, and let everything else go.

Now, all that doesn't necessarily mean that you should have a baby. I've known since I was a kid that I wanted to have children and be a mom. It was the only thing I knew for sure I'd ever be good at (which is why it's coming as quite a shock to me that I don't really like the SAH gig as much as I thought I would--I guess I assumed being good at being a mom meant I had to love being with them 24/7. Ha.). There are plenty of people who never really crave parenthood who end up with children who are their hearts' true desires. But I think, despite the fact that people like to say "No one ever regrets having their children" that there are people who do regret having kids. Not that they regret bringing those particular people into the world. I'm sure they love their children as people. But I think some people would have been happier without the sacrifices and responsibilities of parenting. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, assuming you never admit it where the kids could find out about it. (Remember, to make an anonymous comment, put a fake URL in the "URL" box and put in an obviously fake email in the "email address" box.)

I can't tell you how to go about weighing this decision. Having children can be the most amazing thing you'll ever do. You'll love your children with a fierceness and purity that scares you. You will become the woman you never thought you could be. But there are also a billion little shitty moments every day that make you wish you had your old life back. For me, the good absolutely outweighs the bad, and the bad moments are much fewer and far between as the kids get older. But I can't say "Do it. You'll love it. It's so worth it." to someone else in any good faith.

Readers? What do you think? How can a person or couple really make this decision with honesty and courage? Whatever thoughts you have on this topic are going to be helpful.

Comments

[mc]

This is such a tough one. My husband and I spent a year talking about whether to have kids or not. Actually, we'd been talking about it since we've been together, but we really stepped up the conversations three years ago. For a while, I interrogated every parent I met about how they decided to have kids. The answers weren't very satisfying.

I never "knew" I wanted to be a mom and, like you, found that that the more we discussed and read, the more conflicted I got. I think that's because it's not a rational decision -- by which I mean that the cons are all so freakin' clear, and the positives are so intangible (and sound so much like Hallmark cards, if you're a cynic like me). But we both knew we like little kids, and I was sure my husband would be a fantastic father. So we more or less decided, what the hell, we'll give it a shot and if it's meant to be we'll end up with a kid one way or another.

Ess is six months old today(!) and I don't regret the decision at all, though I think I am still grieving the loss of my old life. I've found that talking about that topic with other moms is the best remedy; feeling that way doesn't mean you don't love your child, just means you're coming to terms with what really is the biggest change you can make in your life (IME). Good luck!

[Lisa]

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems that if you want kids there will be that desire somewhere inside. Being scared of the life change is a separate issue and isn't necessarily mutually exclusive or indicative of a reason not to have kids. When I decided to try and get pregnant I was newly married and 26 and I think more than anything just wanted to play house. Then I found out I was infertile and during the ensuing 5 years of trying to have a baby often wondered if I was just enamored with trying to get pregnant or if I just was trying to escape a job I hated so I could be a SAHM. Then I finally got pregnant (with one that stuck around the whole 9 months), had the baby, and thought for the first 6-8 weeks that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life.

But during all that time there were also many, many moments that I knew without a doubt that my life would be incomplete without a child. And now that my daughter is nine months old and I've adjusted to the huge change of becoming a parent, I absolutely love being a mom. There are very few times that I wish I had my old life back. We're going to do another IVF next year to try for #2.

[flea]

Having children is perhaps the ultimate "hold your nose and step off into the unknown" - because almost anything else you do, you can get out of, at whatever emotional and financial cost (divorce, career change), but you CANNOT GIVE THE CHILD BACK.

I conceived my first child without planning to (ice storm, no power for 5 days, you know how it is) after 5 years of marriage and at least a couple of talking about kids "someday" as I approached 30. Personally, I found pregnancy easy, but it took me about 10 months after the birth of my daughter to accept that sane people do this more than once - that's how hard I found the adjustment to my new life as a parent (and I'm not a SAHM, so I had less adjustment than some). My second child is 4 months old tomorrow, and I may no longer be entirely sane, frankly, but we're hanging in there, and I do feel the insanity has heled me grow as a person. I do miss my 'old life' sometimes - there's a small house in my neighborhood that I pass by and fantasize about owning, being single and spending long hours alone, in quiet, with books, and napping. But that's fantasy; when I was single my life wasn't like that! And the kids? They are marvellous. When you're feeling down and your daughter comes up and hands you a slice of play-doh saying, "Here's some cake my sweet love" - where else could anything so wonderful happen than in parenthood?

[Cat, Galloping]

Pretend for a moment that you've just discovered you cannot have children. Now how do you feel?

I just think parenting is so hard and there's lots of stuff you can't anticipate, but the sacrifices are easier if you really desperately want them. When we first started trying, I know my husband was more ambivalent about the timing than I was. But toss in a little fear of infertility and recurrent miscarriage and suddenly he was right there with me. I think it made us appreciate the baby more when he arrived and be more patient.

I don't think you have to actually experience these difficulties to appreciate your child, but a bit of perspective is useful. Of course people who get pregnant easily or by accident or ambivalently can love their kids and are great parents, too, but that was my experience.

[Shelley]

I think anyone who doesn't have at least some degree of ambivialence about having children isn't being realistic. Lisa's comment, "Being scared of the life change is a separate issue and isn't necessarily mutually exclusive or indicative of a reason not to have kids," is so wise.

Also, bear in mind you're reading through Moxie's blog, where people write in with their PROBLEMS. Most parents have an issue or two they really grapple with in childraising, and all parents are sleep deprived in the beginning. But it's worth remembering that not everyone has every problem mentioned here, and most of these problems are phases that pass with time.

The wonderfulness of having a child can't be overstated, and it's not something that's possible to understand until you're there. But ITA that not everybody should be a parent. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[Heather]

The other commenters had such great things to say. I always wanted to have kids, and yet like MC, I grieved the loss of my old life with my first, and like Lisa I spent the first 6 weeks with each of my daughters wondering if I'd made a grave error.

Thinking about everything that can go wrong from preconception to their college years is overwhelming. Unlike our wedding days, parenting forgivingly takes place over years of time - we have good parenting days and...well, not so good parenting days.

There is a great amount of support on the Internet for those of us who have had losses, experienced infertility, complicated pregnancies, and postpartum depression. It might give someone the impression that everyone goes through this - your mileage may vary. I also think part of the "Yes, but not now" answer should include a time frame to reassess - maybe 2 years is an appropriate amount of time. As far as how waiting a couple of years will impact your ability to get pregnant if you then decide you want to at age 32, I think that's a conversation better had with your gynecologist who would be able to offer an educated guess.

[feldman]

"Having children is perhaps the ultimate "hold your nose and step off into the unknown" - because almost anything else you do, you can get out of, at whatever emotional and financial cost (divorce, career change), but you CANNOT GIVE THE CHILD BACK."

Seconding what Flea wrote. The Mr. and I always wanted kids, had long discussions about values and ideals and all that, and were working toward a stable life situation so we could offer these theoretical kids what we felt was important, but it was always over the horizon. Just over a year ago my husband said, "We're doing this."

"Now?!"

"Yep."

...and the last year has been an ever-intensifying experience like running down a steep hill. You can't stop, you can only *try* to keep your feet under you as you accelerate. Pretty often you tumble and scrape and get a mouthful of dirt, but there're also flashes of blue sky and warm grass and fun.

What has surprised me most in the first three months with the kiddo is how utterly effective sleep deprivation is as a torture, and how very quickly two grown adults can fall hopelessly in love with someone new. I think it's some kind of Stockholm syndrome, but hey, it works.

[Kelly]

This *is* a tough question, and certainly a permanent one. I was a very "nurturing" kinda kid, and always mothered my friends. Then I hit the teen years and almost had my tubes tied at 19. Now, with a happy marriage and more options available I'm back on the "have kids" wagon. I'm pg with #2 right now. Both high risk pregnancies (make *sure* you like your ob, but also keep in mind that they're only going to be around for 9 months, not forever), both different, both wonderful. I'm a SAHM right now and though it's infuriating at times (toddler!), like Moxie the good outweighs the bad. Maybe not every day, but it still does. Children are amazing. Just stunningly amazing! Being a parent is frustrating and tiring, thankless and unending. Being a parent is blessed and observant, celebrating and loving.

A lot depends on your attitude to life. If you're a positive, optimistic person being a parent will likely be an amazing experience full of wonder every day. When you see parents talking about their child's poop or that their kid said "Dada" or learned how to clap their hands... those are fairly "huh?" inspiring things to a non-parent, but that's the kind of love and amazement you'll have for your own child.

The emotional/physical pain passes, the hesitation is there for 99% of us, and the "change" factor can return after the kids move out. Your job, as a parent, is to love your child unconditionally and do your best by them - no matter what that best is.

[Kaz]

Wow. I didn't think people started asking, "why the heck do people have chilren?!?" until after they already had them!

[Hillary]

For me it was totally a leap of faith, oh, and unplanned. I always had a hard time with change and it took me about a month or two to come to gripes that we were pregnant.
I always felt like (while pregnant) I was the most uninformed, twit of a woman. All these other women knew what to do, what to read, what to buy—not me.
Once baby came, the leap of faith started again. The first 5 months are very, very hard—but temporary. I wanted to know when it would get better. You have moments where you want to run for the hills, and then you look at the infants face and know you could never do it. The love, it's SO TOTAL.

By month 6, things were MUCH better and I thought, hey I can do this. And I did. And it has changed me, my perspective, my goals, my outlook for the better. But it's the hardest thing you will love to do.

I can't tell you if you should do it. How can a person know they will love something they have never done before? All I can say is that if you take the leap of faith, you will become a stronger person for it. And you'll probably smile when thinking about this time in your life.

[Deirdre]

There is much wisdom above. My second child is seven months and I sometimes still grieve for my pre-child life or my pre-second-child life. But I wouldn't really trade having my two.

On a somewhat more practical level, the questioner writes that she doesn't like doctors. Neither do I. My first pregnancy explempified most of what I dislike about the medical profession. For my second pregnancy I chose to be under the care of a group of midwives who work with a group of doctors (same office, same staff, fully covered by HMO, etc.) and delivered in a hospital. It was such an incredibly better and more personal experience. Doctors really aren't necessary to the pregnancy-and-birth experience.

[Gretchen]

"No one ever regrets having their children."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah

No, of course I haven't woken up every morning for the past 18 months to the sound of my child shrieking, thinking "Oh, god, why did we do this?" Of course I don't mind having to schlep around the Diaper Bag From Hell while looking enviously at those cute little tiny Kate Spade bags at Macy's that I can't use and can't afford. No, I don't obsess about what I did that made her developmentally delayed, and what I'm doing that will probably lead to years of therapy for her later on. I enjoy being smacked in the head with a lint brush when I try to type. Really.

Don't regret it at all ... just every single freakin' day. Love her to pieces, sometimes at least, but god, does being a parent suck sometimes.

As one of the other posters mentioned, you can't take kids back like you can a puppy or kitten you've decided is too much for you to handle right now. If you're not even 30 yet, you've got plenty of time to make the decision ... don't jump into parenthood just because you want family that's nearby (you're going to have to drag the kids across country to visit the rest of your family, anyway), because your family or friends are starting to pressure you (because they're not the ones who have to raise the kid), or because you feel you have to.

If you decide to have kids, make that decision because you honestly, deeply, completely want kids. If there's doubt in your mind, or your partner's mind, you're setting yourself up for 20 years of potentially resenting the kid. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones who is unsure but falls in love with the kid when it's born, but I honestly am not sure those people really exist.

[Rosemary Grace]

I've been reading these posts almost every day, and I don't have kids yet! It's fascinating to me, and has actually been making me look forward more to having kids, because I see how much the posters care about their sproglets despite the sleep deprivation torture!

I have always wanted to be a parent, though I'm 26 and don't plan to start trying until I'm 30, maybe I'll freak out about the reality when my self-set start time appears. My husband and I are the odd ones out in our group of friends, it may very well turn out that we are the only ones from this group that has kids. Our friends all have nieces and nephews from whom they get their child-fix, (one guy has a 6 year old son from a previous marriage, that's the only parent in our group), and we've talked about it, they love the kids deeply, and just don't want to change their life so much to have kids of their own. If you are debating whether you really want to do it or not, perhaps seek out parents to hang out with, and also speaking to older couples who chose not to have kids, then see who reminds you more of yourself.

Have you considered counselling to work through the anxiety issues you have in general? It may be that the anxiety is leading this internal debate, through both fear of change, and fear of not being able to cope. This is not to say that you need therapy if you don't want kids, but it does sound like your fears are taking over, and maybe if you work out some of those fears about life in general, you will have a clearer picture of what you really want with regard to becoming a parent. I say this as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety and is in talk therapy to deal with it.

[grad03]

As someone who went through surgery in my early 20's and was told it might mean I would be infertile, I went through the whole mourning-I-can't-have-kids thing before I got anywhere near asking the do-i-want-kids? questions seriously. By the end of my healing process I knew I would do just about anything to have children someday, short of kidnapping. But I also knew that "someday" was several years in the future and that I had other priorities that came first.

Nine years later I had a successful pregnancy and we have a lovely two-year-old now.

I second the commenter who asked: How would you feel if you knew beyond a doubt you couldn't have kids? If you're relieved or extraordinarily upset those are some strong indicators. If your first thought is, "Well, maybe I'd adopt," that is another indication that maybe you are ready to take on the care of another human being. I think that question is a good way to separate the anxieties of pregnancy (relatively temporary) from the anxieties surrounding parenthood (um, apparently lifelong).

[Kate]

A day worth of parenting can be the best day of your life and the worst day of your life, depending on the five minute interval you're experiencing. And that can be how often it changes, from minute to minute.

For me, it was looking deep into the future and imagining what my family would look like in a long time (15-20 years), and then I had to let go of the fear and insecurity I felt when I was 26 (I didn't get pregnant for a while, so I had even more time to adjust). My husband is an amazing father--he was great with kids from way back and that was part of why I fell for him. We are part of a religious community where kids are "expected." Now the difficult part is deciding where to stop; we have two, and I think that is great. But it's unusual to only have two (barring medical/financial reasons)--just not sure I can hold it together mentally/emotionally for more. But I am only 31, so there is time for everyone to start sleeping and be potty trained and then I can see how I feel.

I wanted to second what someone posted, that Moxie gets the hard stuff. Nobody writes and says, "My three month old slept six hours straight at night for a week straight and has been smiley all day, every day! What should I do?" "My baby loves taking a bath! It makes her so happy and my heart soars every time she's in the tub, even though the bathroom gets flooded. What should I do?" So I think that you get from Ask Moxie (no matter how insightful it is) and most parenting sites and Dr. Google isn't the whole picture.

[MJ]

I agree with the comments that sometimes you can figure out want you really want, by figuring out what you don't want. I was not sure about kids during my 20s and early 30s when I found myself in a relationship with someone who was adamently opposed to having kids. When faced with the possibility of never having kids, I knew that I would have serious life long regrets. Needless to say that relationship ended. I'm now married to a man, who I told before we even went on our first date that I intended to have children and it that was not on his agenda that I wasn't interested. Sometimes I can't believe he agreed to even go on that first date. Admittedly I was a little nuts, but was also 32 years old and knew the clock was ticking. Six years later, we are 6 weeks away from having our 2nd child. Statistically, you probably have plenty of time to work this out. Walk around your life a bit with the idea that you don't want or can't have children and see what your heart tells you. There is no wrong answer.

[hedra]

One of the things I've said to people asking the same thing, is 'when the fear nolonger stops you from trying, then you know'.

That said, therapy/counseling to figure out what fears you have, why, and whether you're just lacking some skills that would enable you to cope better with change... that might be useful. A lot of life really is just skills, not 'you'.

Change will come, one way or the other. Change can't be predicted or stopped. A good friend of mine (and her DH) decided it was time to have kids. Two years later, just as they determined the cause of her infertility, her DH was diagnosed with two separate forms of cancer. Five years later, no kids. Much change, though. Vast changes (he's in remission, though, WOO!).

First, handle your own issues. You have a little time to get that managed, to clear it away so you can see your own wants/plans/needs more accurately. Good luck!

[Jessica]

Fantastic question... I can't tell you how you'll know for sure you want to do it, or not. I can tell you how I figured out I wanted to.

I got married straight out of college. My husband and I talked about having children but we didn't feel ready- financially, etc. He was in grad school and I had an ok job (did not pay much). So we waited and it never felt like the right time. Eventually our relationship soured and we separated and subsequently divorced.

A year and a half later I met a man, and fell completely in love! We eloped a few months later. Well, with the fast courtship, we never talked about having children. On our honeymoon, my husband told me he wanted to have children, not necessarily right away, but he knew he wanted to have children with me. When he said that to me I knew I wanted to have kids- it felt so right, just like being with him did. It's like when I met him I suddenly had a family and we loved each other so much that I wanted that family to inlcude kids. I wasn't one of those people growing up who always knew I wanted to get married and have children, probably becuase my childhood was pretty turbulent.

And I had thought about it before, I did want to have children- but it was always something I wanted to do later, in a more theoretical sense than the real gut certainty I had when I got married again. And I knew too that I wanted three. My husband disagreed with me on that one, but..

Now? I have a seven month old baby, who is amazing- both my husband and I marvel at how much we love the little guy all the time. And we're expecting twins! So yahoo, we're having three and he's happy too because we're not going to have more after this.

[Shandra]

This is a great question. I think really I can only share my story.

At 30 I was pretty much where you are - thinking about it and really not sure. When I was first married we had tried and had a few miscarriages and then we stopped trying, and as our life together went on it started to look pretty good - lattes at 11 am on Sunday with the NWT paper, etc. etc.

At 33 we got pregnant unexpectedly and didn't miscarry, and I resolved to do everything right and read all the horror books and didn't eat any Cheetos (I did eat some french fries). I was happy, but also quite ambivalent about being a mother. And then my daughter died shortly after birth.

I actually had the chances at a do-over; I could go back to my old life, or not. I tried, maybe out of grief: I spent a summer 'o crazy hitting clubs and dancing 'til 3 am and drinking waaaay too much and being incredibly self-indulgent and squandering the money we'd put aside for when the baby came.

I have a 15 mo old now, so that's what I chose in the end anyway. I haven't had a Sunday morning sleep in in 15 months and I don't regret it. (I did, however, eat some Cheetos in that pregnancy as a big f-u to the universe :)).

I am ambivalent about having another child though, because with one child there is still the possibility of a lot of things that might not be as possible for longer with two.

I'm searching for a pithy summary but I really don't have one. Other people have said all the advice-y stuff I would have. Keep looking & you'll figure it out. :)

[Helen]

Well, I'm 5 months into keeping #1 alive. It has been the most hair-raising experience of my life and sent me into therapy. It's also wonderful. Totally like New England weather - wait a minute, it will change. The first three months were like getting dropped on the moon, and I am now convinced I could easily do prison time. I have no problem with someone sitting there and watching me poop, and getting awoken every two hours for "bed check" would be a breeze. On the worst days, I counted off each day, saying "that's a day I won't have to do again." It's just nothing you can prepare for. Do not attempt unless you have a willing partner and a strong support system.

On the plus side, it took us a long time to get pregnant, so I had lots of time to research my parenting and birth choices and discussing them with my husband. I was sure I was on the right track there, so the drawbacks for me were sheer physical drudgery and the isolation of being the only adult home all day with a pre-verbal creature. I think extensive research is one really constructive way to spend your time waiting until you feel ready. There are books beyond the pap of "What to Expect," and you should find them and read them all. I knew I wasn't going to listen to all the terrible advice about how you "have to" let your baby CIO or else, and I found a wonderful practice of midwives. You don't need doctors if everything's going well. At the end, things weren't going well for me, and the midwives referred us to the proper care for the birth, which ended up being a c-section. No, midwife care didn't cause the problem. I am awfully glad I had them for the pregnancy.

Now, think of this: if you commit and have a child and hate it, how do you feel about having an only child? Is that an option? Would you feel obligated to go on and have a second child you'd resent even more? We're not doing it again for many reasons, but we knew we were cool with only one from the start. That's one way I get through the bad parts, knowing I don't have to do them again, so I'd better savor the good parts. Freaky to some, I'm sure.

[Jessica]

Oh- I have to add (please excuse commenting twice)- I think the advice to try and imagine how you would feel if you couldn't have children is very good advice. After we decided to try for children, I had two miscarriages before having a healthy pregnancy. It was devastating and truly confirmed for me how badly I wanted to be a mom. But like I said, I knew before that happened that I wanted to have children.

[Stephanie]

I think a deep, heartgripping terror is a natural response to thinking about having your first child. Or, at least, a sensible one! I always knew I wanted children, all of my life. I was extremely shocked when I got pregnant and was bowled over by the abovementioned fear. I always thought that if you were afraid, that was proof that you weren't sure.

But you can't be sure. You won't know what this is like until you do it. I don't know how you therefore decide whether or not to take the plunge, but my advice to you is: if you are holding back and the only reason left is the uncertainty, stop waiting. The uncertainty won't go away, even after that wonderful, awful, precious, exhausting child is here for you to hate and love.

[Menita]

About the anxiety: we tried for a long time to have kids. My desire for children grew and grew, at the same rate that my terror of what I would do once they were here did.
It was very easy for me to visualize all of the things that could go wrong and be awful when having kids. But nothing could have prepared me for the depths of love and joy they have brought into my life.
But you have to want them despite the fear, it's not fair to anyone to bring a child into the world knowing in your heart that it's not really what you want.

[Cherry]

i got married for the second time at 29. i always thought i wanted kids but the longer i put it off, the more it became a kind of fantasy...like..."one day i'll be skinny". after turning 31 we had the "well...if we're going to have kids we'd better do it now" talk. seemed like we were more in love with the idea than with the reality. we couldnt imagine NOT having kids, but we are both so independent. after much deliberation, we jumped off the cliff holding hands and our breath. we got pregnant IMMEDIATELY and i will never forget the day we took the test. i didnt feel any different so i didnt think i was pregnant. i really didnt. when i took the test and it was positive i think i almost passed out. my husband had to sit down and we stared into space for a few minutes before another word was spoken. yes, this was planned but MAN when it happens, you get that "there's no going back" thing. EVERYONE was more excited than we were. we were scared and worried we were gonna screw this kid up majorly. all through the pregnancy i thought, "i cant do this. what was i thinking?!" i read every book, listened to really good...AND really bad advice, but nothing ever prepares you. i heard the "once you get them in your arms..." story a million times and rolled my eyes every time. still, i was hopeful.

angels did not sing when they handed him to me. i didnt feel like i had known him all along and all of that sappy stuff...but as the days and weeks went by, i fell in love. this kid is so cool and so us. hes the best thing ive ever done. hes 11 mos now. sometimes i want to hide in the bathroom and sometimes i want to be thelma and louise, but always i will love him. im not the "perfect" mom. i have gotten the lectures about dressing him in skull and crossbones t-shirts. i get looks when i wear my hair in pigtails and i play my music too loud with him rockin in his carseat, but you know what? im glad i jumped off. its been a hell of a ride!

[Corinne]

All of these comments are wonderful. Our first wasn't planned, so it was a shock to both of us when we found out. Now that he's 9 months, we've been talking about #2. The question is when to start, and part of me is terrified... and I already have one child. I know that I want more than one child, so that part is obvious. I think sometimes, if we try to rationalize it... we can't, because motherhood isn't very rational. I think we create more problems for ourselves when we try to make it rational by reading all the "books" and doing all the "right things" that everyone tells us to do... but in the end, it's a risk you take... and you've got to trust yourself above all else... because in the end, no matter what everyone else says, you are the one that has to live with the decisions you've made. Do I regret having children? Sometimes (like now, when he's crying and won't take a nap) it's hard, and I daydream about not having him... but then on Sunday mornings, after he's been in the nursery for an hour, and I haven't seen him, I practically RUN to get him just to hold him and smell his hair and kiss his neck. I know that doesn't really help... but like I said, the only thing I can think of is to trust yourself.

[Crystal]

What a fantastic question. And it's so great to read all of these answers. As a new parent, it's easy to think that you are the only one who feels this way...

For as long as I can remember, I wanted kids. I ACHED for kids for years while my husband said we had to wait (thank goodness for that!). I got pregnant unexpectedly and we were both delighted. I misscarried and we were devastated. We worked through some things and then I conceived again in the fall. The second pregnancy I was totally gun shy and ambivalent, even though we had made that conscious decision to get pregnant again. I just couldn't wait to get the pregnancy over with. Then my son was born and I had a seriously terrible time adapting. I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life!! And I couldn't understand why in the hell anyone would go through that more than once.

My son is now 4 months old and while I can't honestly say that this is the best decision I ever made, I am absolutely thrilled to have my little guy in the world and so awed that I helped bring him here. No matter what is going on in my life, when he smiles at me and laughs I am happier than I ever have been.

So, do I love being a parent? Absolutely not. But I am very much in love with my son and feel lucky to know him. I can't wait to see what he grows up to be and I never regret that he is in my life.

[Ami]

The first baby was the easy one for us. We were married nearly seven years when he arrived, and even though it was a surprise that we got pg with him, we were glad.
He was six when his baby sister was born.
And night after night after night after night as I sat up with her, couldn't calm her effortlessly, couldn't please her, didn't KNOW her the way I did my son.
"Everything was perfect. Oh my gawd, what have I done?" She's still hard to please. It's still not sweet and easy all the time.

Those 'babies' are now 19 and 13 and parenthood has been the best thing I ever did. I never looked back and missed my life BC, but I am looking forward to our lives AC.

Oh, and one more thing. If they arrive healthy, babies are not expensive. They only require food and clothing and someone to snuggle them. It's when they become teenagers that you start paying and paying and paying.
Just so you know.

[Ali]

I'm a childless early-20's lesbian who reads Moxie regularly. I know I want kids (after being that girl in highschool who sneered at my mum when she said "wait and see, one day you'll want them"), but it's not going to be an easy choice or process for me. Even if I meet the right woman, even if we find the right fertility option for us, even if this happens in the right timeframe and even if we are surrounded by loving support, what if?
What if I don't live somewhere where my partner can legally co-parent our child? What if the world takes a huge swing to the right, and I am unable to protect my child from people who think I shouldn't be a parent? What if my relationship breaks up? What if there are still no better custody laws for same-sex couples, what if we have to go through the agony of being a test-case, what if my child is harassed, what if I have no idea how to deal with educational, medical & legal institutions that continually assume I have a husband somewhere in the wings, what if I fly off the handle every time someone treats my child poorly because she has two mums?
Success stories are incredibly encouraging things, and I do think that if your passion to make babies & raise humans flares stronger in the face of obstacles (rather than deflating) then you've got a pretty solid indication that this is the right thing to do. But despite doing everything I can to ensure I am at least somewhat prepared to take on the battle of childrearing, there is no certainty in the world, is there?

[Jody]

Are you asking this question at places like this only? Or also on childfree websites?

If both, then yeah, you've got a lot to think about.

If only here, I think maybe part of you has already made up your mind.

[Amy]

I posted a question a few days ago about my 15-month-old daughter with sleep-through-the-night issues. So you might guess that I have thought a great deal during the largely sleepless 15 months since Edie was born about my pre-baby life. I was not an "I'm dying to have kids" person. I waited until my late 30s, and even while pregnant was not entirely sure I wanted to be a mother.

All of that said, even during the worst moments, when I'm screaming, swearing, threatening to leave, etc., I still know on some level that having a baby is the most meaningful thing I've done. I also know that I could have had a very different but still fulfilling life without kids. Ultimately, I made the decision by asking myself: when I'm 80 or 90, will I regret not having had kids?

So all I can really say is if you decide to do it, you have to be ready to give up a lot of your life and self and freedom and control for a year and who knows how many more years after that. In return, you will get these unexpected blissful moments when you are completely content and even overjoyed by the presence of this child. Here's a really insanely sappy example: Edie was up off and on all night a few nights ago (thus my desperate question for Moxie the following morning). I was harried, angry, convinced she was out to get me. And then that morning she started saying a new word: "happy" over and over again and smiling like a madman. This may not sound like much, but it was one of those great little moments that occur repeatedly throughout any given day that made me feel like "Ah, okay, this is why I did this."

[Num Num]

From the Grammy Gallery: My pregnancy was unplanned, but I was happy that it happened. I was totally unrealistic about what it would mean. It just seemed like the next step. I was completely surprised at how it changed my life and made it all make sense. But I learned it isn't that way for everyone, so it is a leap with an outcome you can't predict.

My son and dil wanted children and having a grandchild is very different but also comes with overwhelming waves of love. The love you feel for your children and grandchildren can be entirely scary because you know that you would pay unimaginable prices for them. Helping to raise the next generation, though, is, for many of us, what it's all about.

Life changes in ways that are beyond your control. Having children is only one of those ways. Good luck in reaching your decision.

[Cat, Galloping]

I have one more thing to add, which is that I do think that people seem to put a lot of undue pressure on themselves. I've had friends worry that they're bad moms if they let the grandmother (who offered) get up with a newborn in the middle of the night or if she didn't change his diaper at precise three hour intervals. Bloggers are constantly pronouncing themselves deserving of the world's worst mother award over things that are, most often, pretty minor and kind of funny. Don't get me wrong-- as I said before, parenting is hard. I just think some people make it harder than it needs to be.

[Michelle]

my advice, wait two years into your marrage to start trying to have kids.

Now that i have said that, i'll admit that i didn't do this.

i was worried that it would take a while to get pregaunt so we decided to just wee what happends. well, we got pregaunt on our honeymoon. The next 8 months just sucked! It was awful & i was sick (all day morning sickness the whole time, gestational diatebets, and toxima) & i hated every minute of it. I stressed about what to eat and when i puked up 2 times a day, i decied to eat what ever stayed down & not to worry about the weight (i gained 60 but lost 40 two weeks after son's birth). afterwards i'm sure i had ppd and 6 months after found out i had hypothyroidism and with a daily pill i feel almost like my prebaby self. happily, our son was born healthy & is thriving.

So all of this has effected myself, my husband and our marriage. Would i do it again, YES. i love my son (15 months) more than anything although i think it would of been wiser to have waited to try to get pregaunt. now we are are trying for #2 and have no luck for three months (although we have prevented it since #1).

[Michelle]

my advice, wait two years into your marrage to start trying to have kids.

Now that i have said that, i'll admit that i didn't do this.

i was worried that it would take a while to get pregaunt so we decided to just wee what happends. well, we got pregaunt on our honeymoon. The next 8 months just sucked! It was awful & i was sick (all day morning sickness the whole time, gestational diatebets, and toxima) & i hated every minute of it. I stressed about what to eat and when i puked up 2 times a day, i decied to eat what ever stayed down & not to worry about the weight (i gained 60 but lost 40 two weeks after son's birth). afterwards i'm sure i had ppd and 6 months after found out i had hypothyroidism and with a daily pill i feel almost like my prebaby self. happily, our son was born healthy & is thriving.

So all of this has effected myself, my husband and our marriage. Would i do it again, YES. i love my son (15 months) more than anything although i think it would of been wiser to have waited to try to get pregaunt. now we are are trying for #2 and have no luck for three months (although we have prevented it since #1).

[Shiri]

I had so much to say about this, that I've wrote a post about it: http://www.tinylove.com/blog/?p=29 . One thing I wanted to say here though is that if you don't like doctors, you can limit the interaction with them to minimum and find alternative pregnancy support of the less-medicated kind. A good starting point is http://www.childbirth.org/. I'm not recommending anything specifically, just pointing out that there are alternatives to the visit-your-doctor-every-month routine.

[Cecile]

"Not that they regret bringing those particular people into the world. I'm sure they love their children as people. But I think some people would have been happier without the sacrifices and responsibilities of parenting"

Some days this completely sums me up. I cheer for my friends who haven't had kids yet, who enjoy travel, money, freedom. I often feel trapped and bored, and long to just walk out the door to do something for myself. I want to get petrol for my car without having to drag 2 kids out of their car seats to pay for it. I want my body back. I want a life. The biggest shock for me was the day after my daughter was born. I wanted to take a shower and it suddenly hit me - what do I do with this baby? Do I leave her in the room, OMG I have to take her with me. Everywhere. Always. I can't even go to the toilet without stressing. It completely floored me, overwhelmed me. My old life was gone in one day.

On other days, I melt when I watch my kids playing, learning, loving and growing. I think of my life in 10 years, how the freedoms I miss now will mostly be back. I think of being a Grandma, I think of family Christmases to come. I imagine a life without my children and while it might be fab through my 30s, what happens at 40...or 50?

I love my children...but some days I wish I'd waited.

[Katie]

Lots of good advice here.

Try seperating out the "Do I want to have children" from the "Do I want to have children now." Deal with the first question first, and seperately from the second question. Because you can want to have children, but the thought of having them *now* can be terrifying and yet you can still be at the right place to do it. Because it will change your life... and there aren't many people who want to sign up to have their life upended in ways they can't imagine.

2nd - remember not everyone has every problem that people ask about. As a matter of fact, most people don't. People chat and swap ideas about their concerns, and if they weren't concerned they wouldn't come or ask.

3rd - You don't have to be a "baby person" to have a baby. I love *my* baby, but I've never been the person to run out and hold someone's baby, want to hang out with the baby, etc, until after I had my baby. In which case, I'm still not terribly interested in stranger's babies, but I am interested in my friends and acquaintances kids because of my connection to them.

[JF, scientist]

On doctors: I have a nurse midwife whom I adore. She's wonderful. One of my sisters was delivered by a nurse midwife too- I still remember her- nicest person ever. Even if you hate doctors, you might actually like someone who treats you like an equal and is into minimal intervention (there are some doctors who do this too, probably, but I haven't met any yet).

Also, the anxiety and the inability to stop worrying sound a LOT like depression. If you think you might be depressed, please, please go see someone about it. Many modern antidepressants are perfectly safe for pregnancy, and it's needless suffering.

[tag]

My husband and I have chosen not to have kids and for both of us it was decision we made long before we got married. Both of us love children, we have 6 nieces and nephews and friends galore with kids. We enjoying spending time with them and babysitting even, I read Moxies's blog for helping out with friends and family then for planning for myself.

For me (and my husband) it was never about being too scared to have kids or worrying about how good of parents we would be. I knew early on that taking care of children was something I could handle if I needed to but I never wanted to. I knew in HS that having kids was not going to be something I wanted to do. My mother told me early on that I might change my mind the older I get and well I am older now and still nothing.

I enjoy my time spent alone and with my husband and both of us know that to have a child we would lose part of that. We also know that having a child would be a wonderful thing and that of course we would love it, but for us being togther is what is best.

I can't give you any more advice then what I was given by a friend that decided not to have children as well for different reasons than me but I still think its good advice.

Picture your life as it is now and how it will end up. Are you happy with the ending? Now picture your life with children now and how it will end up? Which ending do you like better? Maybe you like the no kids ending now but in 6 months the ending with children looks better to you.

[fishtail]

My partner and I have been together eight years, and thinking about having kids for the past three years now. We did some inseminations but no luck. We are gearing up for some more tries next year, but we still argue, worry, and talk about it over and over. Now while lesbians processing is nothing new, the talking has helped. What will we do if artifical inseminations don't work? Do we want to adopt? Do we make it a point to move to Massachusettes, Vermont, California, even Canada in order to legally protect both of our rights to parent? How are we going to deal not only with different parenting styles, but with the alternative family we'll be creating? How many kids do we want and if we find it harder than we thought, are we ok with just one? I know the questions can be overwhelming, but they are worthwhile to ask. Maybe give yourself a year to hem and haw over them, to write and talk about it all.

For me, because this process is much more deliberate because we're gay, there's much more worry about being ready, emotionally, financially, having our relationship be strong. Because getting pregnant will never be an accident no matter how much sex we have. Because it will always been seen by some people as unnatural.

At some point, we are just diving into the unknown. I see pregnancy as the obstacle, but we could miscarry. We could have the baby and it could die. There are no guarantees, just vulnerability in becoming a parent. It seems crazy to open yourself up to so much potential heartache like this.

But for me, I'd rather jump in and see if it was for us than spend the rest of my life wondering if I should have and regretting not trying. It's definately a big thing, but you can't know how it will make you feel until you do it.

[valerie lewis]

A woman is more than a baby-making machine!
There is soooo much social pressure to have children and this extends to how many you have as well; one is too few, two is right and more might be too many! Although I have two beautiful children, if I could turn back time, I wouldn't have any! You can enjoy children without having any of your own.
Most of my friends feel the same way but its such a taboo to say so! I think one child is definitely enough: maybe they got it right in China!

[kat]

I don't know what the big deal is about having children. I don't understand why people want to have kids. Never wanted them. Love my life being childree.

[Jennifer]

My husband and I have chosen not to have kids and for both of us it was decision we made long before we got married. Both of us love children, we have 6 nieces and nephews and friends galore with kids. We enjoying spending time with them and babysitting even, I read Moxies's blog for helping out with friends and family then for planning for myself.

For me (and my husband) it was never about being too scared to have kids or worrying about how good of parents we would be. I knew early on that taking care of children was something I could handle if I needed to but I never wanted to. I knew in HS that having kids was not going to be something I wanted to do. My mother told me early on that I might change my mind the older I get and well I am older now and still nothing.

I enjoy my time spent alone and with my husband and both of us know that to have a child we would lose part of that. We also know that having a child would be a wonderful thing and that of course we would love it, but for us being togther is what is best.

I can't give you any more advice then what I was given by a friend that decided not to have children as well for different reasons than me but I still think its good advice.

Picture your life as it is now and how it will end up. Are you happy with the ending? Now picture your life with children now and how it will end up? Which ending do you like better? Maybe you like the no kids ending now but in 6 months the ending with children looks better to you.

this is the best comment ever said from a person above , i wanted to paste it again coz its very true. uu must know something when a kid comes into life, of course noone regrets coz its your kid for godsake, just think when comenting this topic if u didnt have them yet, loving ur kid is obligatory becoz u made him and u are obligated to love him, imagine if there was a kid in the world just same as ur actual kid, would u love him same as u love urs? of course not, becoz it didnt came out from u.... think of this, life is shit, with kid or without kid, the time u will get old and die will come one day... just ask this question, what did do for you?

[Chanel Replica Watches]

And the essence of friendship ethics is trust and respect

[Cheap Jordans]

In many cases, my most important resolutions come paired with the opposite resolutions, and yet both are important to my happiness.

[Coach Factory Store]

In this indifferent world, where people become more and more estranged, it's really nice feeling to be that someone you miss and worry about!

[debating]

Husband and I got married late in life, yet we are both healthy, fit, financially secure and surprisingly fertile. But we are loving life and debating the worth of having kids.

People *swear* by it, and maybe we're logical to a fault, but the thrill of being a parent sounds a lot like drug addiction: "Sure there's poop on the walls and food in the VCR and slave-labor and a mountain of debt, but then the kid SMILES at you, ohhhhhh the ruuushhh....."

It would be nice to raise a child as a kind of joint project; to experience the love of somebody who's half of each of us..... yet it's awfully hard to justify the risks (look at all the jerks in the world- they too were once adorable cherubs!!)

And the reasons people give- somebody to take care of you when you're old, the cute moments, seeing the world through their eyes- none of these really hold up. I've never lacked a sense of wonder nor do I lack "cute" in my life. And I don't know many people whose kids take care of them when they get old.

The reasons NOT to have kids seem to outweigh all the others.

[Nancy]

The digital csvoernion is a terrible csvoernion, the channels keep cutting out into blank or blocky screen, the sound studders and cuts out. Each day is different and cloudy days, forget it.. At least with analog you can still watch your program if the signal wasn't that great..

[Efe]

if yu dnt noe that yu are very ignorant && yu need to get out && erolpxe the world. && it doesnt mean yur poor is just means yu can live with out cable which is a waste of money!

[Albin]

yea it sucks may be they did this so cable companies ca make huge amtouns of money this new signal sucks real bad I iven buy a ne LCD that it runs me 1000$ and the signal still sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!