Ashley writes:
"My 6 month old daughter only wants me when I am around. I know this can be fairly common, separation anxiety, blah blah blah. However, she is fine when I am not there- at the sitters (I work full time and she is there Monday-Thursday), when my husband is home with her on Fridays, etc. When we (my husband and I) are both home or when her grandparents are over though, she will see me and burst out in a screaming cry until I take her. My husband is a wonderful father, and loves to play with her, feed her solids, changer her diaper, etc. Sometimes she is okay with it, but most of the time she is constantly looking for me. A little background- she is breastfed and we co-sleep (she sleeps in my arms or with me though, not dad). She isn't hungry when she does this (the crying thing), so that is not the problem. I don't want her to only be able to be with me and my husband is getting very down about this. He tries to be positive and get her to stop crying, but most of the time I just take her back because we don't want her to keep screaming.My question is, what do we do? I feel like I shouldn't keep taking her back when she cries because it is teaching her that she can do that all the time. On the other hand, I feel like if she needs me I should be there for her. Should I take her when she cries or let her try and work it out? Is it just a phase she will grow out of? Is there anything my husband can do for her while she is crying to help it end?"
This is so normal and really, really healthy. It means she's attached to you and attaching even more all the time, and is starting to be able to distinguish situations and other people. This is the beginning of healthy growth, and her strong attachment to you will allow her to become independent when it time is right developmentally.
You really are her primary caregiver, so of course she wants you right now. And you do want to teach her that when she calls for you you'll come. Remember that the task for babies for the first year is to learn to trust their parents and the world. The biggest component of that is coming when she cries for you. You and your husband aren't interchangeable, and it's part of her good attachment process to protest when she can't be with you. First she attaches to you, then him, then other people.
Now, obviously, you can't always be with her at home when she wants you. You could try wearing her around in a sling or mei tai or Ergo (you can get a lot done with her on your back) while you're doing stuff at home so she can be with you and you can still do stuff you need both hands to do. Or you could try putting her in a high chair or saucer or bouncy seat very close to you in the room and talking to her while you're doing other stuff (some kids are fine with that, while others thing you're betraying them by not touching them physically and scream like you're poking them with a branding iron). But sometimes you're just going to have to do things like, oh, go to the bathroom, or change your clothes, or other things that aren't conducive to having a 6-month-old hanging on you. If your husband can't get her to settle down during those times, he shouldn't take it personally (easier said than done, I know), and just hang on to her until you can come and "rescue her." It's not that she doesn't like him, it's just that she doesn't like that he's not you.
I know it's rough on your husband to feel like she doesn't like him right now. Dads (and "other mothers") can often feel like they're at a disadvantage during that first year, because they're not the ones who grew the baby, or nursed, or did any of the other things that are so logistically important in the first few months. Yes, they get really good at burping and diaper changes and that kind of stuff, but it just isn't as essential to the whole process, and it seems like it's very common for dads/other mothers to feel like they're never measuring up to the moms. But it will pass soon enough. Babies tend to be very mother-attached during the first year, but as soon as they start to walk around they seem to take an interest in the other parent. And around age 2, many kids seem to have no interest whatsoever in their moms, preferring the more "fun" kind of interaction they usually get from the other parent. His day will come, and her daddy-only stage might last a lot longer than this mommy-only stage does.
Readers? Share stories of how you had to wear your baby in a sling for 11 months and then suddenly the baby wanted nothing to do with you? I can't be the only one who was wrung out from non-stop attention-sucking seeking, and then got dropped like a hot potato.
You really are her primary caregiver, so of course she wants you right now. And you do want to teach her that when she calls for you you'll come. Remember that the task for babies for the first year is to learn to trust their parents and the world. The biggest component of that is coming when she cries for you. You and your husband aren't interchangeable, and it's part of her good attachment process to protest when she can't be with you. First she attaches to you, then him, then other people.
Now, obviously, you can't always be with her at home when she wants you. You could try wearing her around in a sling or mei tai or Ergo (you can get a lot done with her on your back) while you're doing stuff at home so she can be with you and you can still do stuff you need both hands to do. Or you could try putting her in a high chair or saucer or bouncy seat very close to you in the room and talking to her while you're doing other stuff (some kids are fine with that, while others thing you're betraying them by not touching them physically and scream like you're poking them with a branding iron). But sometimes you're just going to have to do things like, oh, go to the bathroom, or change your clothes, or other things that aren't conducive to having a 6-month-old hanging on you. If your husband can't get her to settle down during those times, he shouldn't take it personally (easier said than done, I know), and just hang on to her until you can come and "rescue her." It's not that she doesn't like him, it's just that she doesn't like that he's not you.
I know it's rough on your husband to feel like she doesn't like him right now. Dads (and "other mothers") can often feel like they're at a disadvantage during that first year, because they're not the ones who grew the baby, or nursed, or did any of the other things that are so logistically important in the first few months. Yes, they get really good at burping and diaper changes and that kind of stuff, but it just isn't as essential to the whole process, and it seems like it's very common for dads/other mothers to feel like they're never measuring up to the moms. But it will pass soon enough. Babies tend to be very mother-attached during the first year, but as soon as they start to walk around they seem to take an interest in the other parent. And around age 2, many kids seem to have no interest whatsoever in their moms, preferring the more "fun" kind of interaction they usually get from the other parent. His day will come, and her daddy-only stage might last a lot longer than this mommy-only stage does.
Readers? Share stories of how you had to wear your baby in a sling for 11 months and then suddenly the baby wanted nothing to do with you? I can't be the only one who was wrung out from non-stop attention-
It will definitely pass, and you'll be missing the attention she used to require of you. Enjoy her need for you right now, and let Dad do the same when baby decides to stick with Dad!
I think part of the reason she wants you is because of the nursing. It is comforting for a baby to nurse. She may want you just because she associates you with comfort, not necessarily because she is hungry. My baby is 9 months and still wants Mommy only, but since she is my 4th, I am allowing myself to enjoy it because both Dad and I know that his day is coming!!
Hang in there, and let Dad know that he will be the one your daughter prefers before too long!!
Posted by: Tabetha | November 06, 2006 at 09:32 AM
Oh goodness, I am glad you said that about them attaching to their dads at age 2, because right now (one month before her second birthday) I am a huge pile of chopped liver if her dad is around. And I must admit I am having a bit of a bruised ego over it. Gad to know it's pretty normal!
Posted by: AmyinMotown | November 06, 2006 at 10:06 AM
This situation sounds just like ours with our now 16 month old... Durung the time he was breast fed (up unitl about 9 months) he was totally a momies boy.. Did not want anything to do with daddy at all! Now he loves, loves, loves daddy, and just seems to not be able to get enough of him.. Your girl is perfectly normal!!!!
Posted by: Nicole | November 06, 2006 at 10:07 AM
Happened here,too. Although now Max ignores both of us if the damn dog is around.
Posted by: Christine | November 06, 2006 at 10:21 AM
LOL! Our oldest stayed home with DH (SAHD) for the first year of his life, while I worked. We didn't cosleep after 4 1/2 months, though I continued to get up and night nurse him for quite a while (long story). During the day, Daddy was just fine. If I was around, daddy was below the cats for interest. Mommy, cat, other cat, Daddy. Ouchy for Daddy. DH fortunately had seen his brother and SIL go through the exact same phases, and had seen the shifts in 'primacy' as the kids grew. So he was limping his way along as the un-favored parent (despite his attunement, awareness, and activity as the primary caregiver during the day), nursing the ego-bruises, and running on faith that one day, his turn would come, if he just made sure it was still possible when it came (that is, he kept staying in the field, so that he wasn't some stranger when the opportunity arose).
That went on for years, literally. At about 2 1/2 years old, it flipped like a switch in the middle of the night. Gabe woke crying, I went in to him, and he screamed, "NO! I want DADDY!" I admit I had something of a smug smile as I rolled back into bed and said 'your turn!'... though I didn't realize it would be another 9 months before I got free of the 'chopped liver' label! It flipped back and forth for a while (shorter intervals each time) until Gabe could finally adapt to whomever was handy, instead of needing only who he needed, when he needed them. It was a bit ouchy when I was relegated to below the cats (and mainly for nursing, at that!)... but I'd had my turn at the top, and I knew it.
Our other kids have done it in their own way, too. With our second, he wanted both of us there, but he definitely had his order of preference: 1) big brother, 2) cats, and 3) Daddy (preferably with Mommy also, but if just one, then Daddy) from the very start. First word? Daddy (followed by Guh and Tat for Gabe and Cat). He called me "That" for nearly a year after he started talking. (I'll admit I missed being called 'That' when he started calling me Mommy, though.)
Brendan still prefers us all to be with him at any time (including and especially bedtime). And I'm usually okay, now, too. Even just me.
The twins, one definitely has a Daddy thing going at the moment (still, from early on), the other mainly wants whomever was farther away when she became upset (whomever rescued her first apparently isn't good enough!), but shows a slight preference for me. Both of them actually placed us higher than the cats... just barely. And big brothers are always at the top of the list.
We've learned to roll with it. (Six months is around a fussy stage, too, isn't it?) It gets better. It may take time, but it gets better. When the switch comes, it can be a shock, though. I think it took only three days before DH apologized for not respecting what I'd been doing enough. He was exhausted already!
Posted by: hedra | November 06, 2006 at 10:56 AM
I'm still waiting for my 3 years old to lose interest in me... he stills clings to me and to me only whenever he he feels slightly insecure of a situation, or when his brother needs attention from me.
I was reassured to read that it's a step in the way of growing up to be more independent children and adults. I've been accused, more than once, that by breastfeeding until a relatively late age and co-sleeping with them, I am forever ruining any chance they have to be functioning adults.
Posted by: Shiri | November 06, 2006 at 01:16 PM
Oh yeah, my DD#1 was so totally attached to me it became a nuisance. Daddy was 'chopped liver' most of the time, as was just about anybody else in the universe. DS#2 was almost the same, maybe not quite as much, but still pretty mommy-fixated. Both of them then went through a phase around age 3 where suddenly Mommy was, well...OK, but Daddy was the most wonderful person in the world! My son is still in this stage, but daughter is 6 now and is pretty equal with either parent. DS #3, on the other hand, is only 5 months old and in the throes of pure Mommy love. I'm sure he'll get past it eventually and discover how nice Daddy is. All we've ever done is grin and bear it! It just means they are developing like they should.
Posted by: LB | November 06, 2006 at 02:31 PM
Hmm. Not sure this will help, but in the interest of full disclosure ...
My almost 2 1/2 year old started this behavior at about 5 or 6 months. Just in the last two or three months, I have begun to feel like maybe she doesn't think she's going to lay down and die when I leave her. It persisted through starting to walk (everyone said, "oh, once she's walking, she'll get so independent") and continued right on through the 18-month period (when it ramped up considerably, maybe because we had another baby). She is OK if I don't actually hold her every second now, particularly if we are in a (safe) familiar environment, but she gets visibly upset any time she knows I can't pick her up or hold her. For close to six months (after I went back to work -- part-time -- after the second maternity leave), she cried on and off for as long as 2 hours after I left for work in the morning.
So that's my story. I think it's starting to ease up a bit now, but it has been very hard. I leave her with a sitter for work because I have to, but we haven't felt free to do much in the way of date night or anything since it's obviously so very, very hard for her.
Good luck. The up side, of course, is that I have this litle person to whom I am very close. I can only hope that that pays off as she gets older and starts facing things that sometimes kids hide from their parents ...
Jan
Posted by: Jan | November 06, 2006 at 07:31 PM
I wish I could say that my baby has dropped me like a hot potato but at 11 months mommy is still the only one for him. My husband has pretty much given up on him and spends more time with our toddler. I hope eventually this will change.
Posted by: Melissa | November 07, 2006 at 12:05 AM
Each night our 22-month-old daughter requests one last thing before she goes to sleep. For her whole life, mama has put her to bed. Now, the routine is I put her in the crib, pull the blanket up, and begin to sing her a song until the usual interuption: she lifts her head and points to something and maybe she says book, book, or baby, or "that" if it's an object she doesn't know the word for. Then I get the thing and she settles down and I finish the song and leave. The other night she interrupted the song with a new request: she lifted her head and very softly she said "papa." Ha. You can tell who she's clinging to every minute beginning about 3 months ago.
Posted by: Sisco | November 07, 2006 at 12:32 PM
Things that have worked for me:
1. Hide in another part of the house when you need to get something done. Make sure not to betray your presence with noise, especially talking (take cell phone to communicate with husband or other person who's with the baby).
2. Once she can crawl, sit on the floor with her and try to do stuff there. This allows the baby to climb on you whenever she wants, so she is more likely to feel comfortable wandering off.
3. Have daddy/grandparents take baby out to the grocery store or the playground or wherever without you. She may cry for you for a minute, but then they will have a fun time.
4. Have the baby sit on you (comfort) while others play with her (excitement). This should keep her happy but they still get to play with her. You might even be able to do something yourself meanwhile, like eat or read, expecially if she will be satisfied with sitting right next to you (touching) instead of right on you.
5. Put daddy in charge of bedtime. After a few days of screaming for mommy, baby starts to fall asleep well for daddy and eventually goes to sleep more easily for him.
Posted by: Ruth W | November 10, 2006 at 11:54 AM
Oh, I hope you're right about kids making the switch to the other parent as they get a little older. My husband and I have a three month old daughter, and she will go from fussing to howling if he picks her up to see if he can calm her down. The minute he hands her to me, she's quiet. My husband is a firefighter and works shift work, as well as has a great deal of responsibility with a volunteer department (he's the deputy chief), and his biggest concern before our daughter was born was that she wouldn't know who he was/wouldn't get attached to him. He's cut down a great deal on being away since her birth, but I know it really bothers him to have her freak out when he picks her up, or try playing with her in the same manner that I do only to have her burst into tears.
Posted by: Kristie | November 19, 2006 at 10:27 PM
I am the father of a 4 month old angel. She is a mommy only girl. It breaks my heart that I nor her grandparents can watch her without mommy around. When my wife is there the baby is ok for the most part with others. but as soon as she realizes that mommy is gone, it's curtains. Reading all of these responses makes me a little more ready to deal with the waiting game until it's daddy time.
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"Other mothers" what does that mean?
"I know it's rough on your husband to feel like she doesn't like him right now. Dads (and "other mothers") can often feel like they're at a disadvantage during..."
Posted by: Jon | May 15, 2010 at 10:18 PM
uhhm . . . have you never heard of same-sex parents having children? in that case there might be an(other) mother.
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