Q&A: forcing your child's handedness

Sorry for the erractic posting of late. I was on vacation, if the definition of "vacation" is schlepping the kids and a bunch of crap by myself to Minnesota to run around like crazy people on an over-packed schedule. We did go to an apple orchard, though. On with the advice.

Emily writes:

"Our son is 10 months old. Last week while the little guy was eating dinner, my husband observed him using his left hand and pretty much declared that he needs to be right-handed and that we (I) should be steering him that way. I should point out that my husband grew up in a culture where being left-handed is NOT OKAY, and kids are taught to be right-handed (genetics be damned). I did tell my husband that a) I see the little guy using both hands pretty equally most of the time; b) it’s likely rather early for his handedness to kick in yet; and c) only about 10-15% of people are left-handed, so he’s probably right-handed anyway, so just be patient. Not to mention the fact that if he is in fact left-handed, his brain is wired differently, and forcing him to switch is going to confuse him big-time. I feel like all of this is rather lost on my husband, who can’t/won’t get past the idea that left-handed activities = devil’s work. What to do?"

Yikes! There are still places that take the etymology of the word sinister literally?

In a nutshell, you're right. It's way too early to tell how he's going to end up. As late as the age of 2 years old we still thought my older son was going to be a leftie, but now at 4.5 he writes and does most things with his right hand. The internet research I've done on this topic seems to give 3-4 years old as the age by which kids show definite hand preferences, although some sources say it may not show up until as late as 7. (Some articles say that if a child isn't showing a definite hand preference by 4, s/he may have delayed physical skills, which could work themselves out or may be a reason to do some occupational therapy. So if your kid is 4 and not showing a hand preference, bring it up with your doctor, but it may not be anything to worry about.)

Forcing kids to go against their natural instincts seems really cruel to me. I'm not sure how you could force a kid to use the opposite hand without being punitive anyway, so it all just seems rather Dickensian, or like the purview of the stereotypical knuckle-wrapping nun. Or maybe you're supposed to use treats to train him, like you would a dog or a sea lion.

I also don't think that forcing a kid to use the right hand while you're watching is going to reduce or eliminate the brain's natural inclination toward using the left hand. Left-handed kids show more of a mixed handedness than right-handers do in general, so a left-handed kid may easily be able to do plenty of things with the right hand without much effort anyway. You'll think you've trained the kid to use the right hand, but it's not that big a deal so s/he'll use the left hand for other things. (My uncle was a leftie as a kid, and his teachers forced him to use his right hand at school. By the time my grandmother found out about it and went to the school to put a stop to that, he was using his right hand to write, but his left to do almost everything else he did. Eventually he became virtually ambidextrous, which was not at all what his teachers intended. It was great for his career as an eye surgeon, though.)

I guess that could be the (tongue-in-cheek) ultimate solution to your problem if your son does turn out to be a leftie in 3 years. You could ask your son to use his right hand only when he's with your husband, who won't have to know that it's just an act for his benefit.

Seriously, though, your son probably won't be left-handed. In the meantime, maybe you can use this list of Famous Left-Handed People (Julia Roberts! Oscar de la Hoya! Bil Clinton! Lord Baden-Powell!) to help bring your husband around to the 21st Century just in case your son or a future child is a leftie.

Comments

[Kate]

My husband and I each had a left-handed grandfather who was forced to be a righty in school. My grandfather spent the rest of his life virtually ambidextrous, and my husband's grandfather reverted to being a lefty after he had a stroke that affected his right side.

We thought dd might be a lefty for a while (dh and his mother both are), but now (at 27 months) we are pretty convinced she is a righty. I will say that the world is pretty much made for right-handed people (no judgment, just a fact), but certainly being a lefty isn't a handicap! Or evil :-)

[hedra]

This is an iceberg, here. I agree with what Moxie says about handedness - my DH is mixed-dominant (the most common after rightie). He was never forced to anything, always was asked to just pick which hand worked best for any task (I think more righties might be mixed than think they are, but just assumed and never tried the other hand). He is leftie for writing and most detailed tasks, and rightie for fencing, throwing, batting. He's ambi for power tools, can opening, screw drivers, hammers (woo! Lemme tell ya, that's handy!). I'm rightie, very much so. Our kids are: G: rightie for writing, ambi for sports with a bit of a tendency toward leftie remaining (at 4 he was leftie completely for sports, that has drifted - and he's physically gifted, BTW). B: Rightie for everything so far, though moderate skill with detail work on the left (coloring). M: Leftie predominantly so far, but still only 2 - reaches mostly with her left, eats mostly with left, colors either handed. I suspect she'll drift into close to true Ambi, possibly into more rightie. R: Rightie predominantly, barely uses her left except to support the task.

Back to the iceberg, though - this isn't about being rightie/leftie, it is about what is good or not in a child, and how that is defined, and how to respond to it. You have two different approaches to that, which is likely to cause bigger and bigger issues as you go unless you can find a way to be on the same page. Can you talk to a religious leader he respects about this issue? Perhaps it doesn't compute because it is coming from you, and not from his religion. Principles-based parenting from a religious perspective may help, as might a better understanding of development. Moxie's baby books list are a good start.

Here's an approach that we took with my great-aunt, that worked for a few things like this. We walked through the RELIGIOUS approach, spun many of the issues to meet the principles of the religion, more than the 'strictures and rules':

Is this child created in God's image? Do you believe this child is good and innocent? Is it your place to judge the creation - the gift of handedness, the way his brain was created? Can you be humble enough, and have faith enough, that you can glimpse your child through God's loving eyes? Can you forgive the those who taught you that it was right to make changes to children's God-given gifts?

The last one is the kicker - because if you cannot see that this specific teaching was in error in this case, and forgive the 'teachers' misguided attempts as just that - misguided, ignorance, error, then this type of issue will come up again and again. It hurts to start dealing with the issues of 'what I taught might not be all perfection', and reconcile that with 'those who loved me taught me in error'. It is a challenge to seek one's own truth within what was taught, and build one's own spiritual and religious home in a new way. That's a serious spiritual struggle, and one that I wouldn't necessarily want to take on alone. It will bring up a lot of deep issues for which you're not trained to provide answers - and without answers, it can be far too easy to just get a death-grip on the old beliefs, and refuse to let go. That's not a fun situation.

Faith as a parent is a huge challenge - we need so desperately to be right, not to just let go and hope that Something will break our fall. This whole process of parenting can trigger a crisis of faith for the best and most generous hearts - there's nothing wrong with that, but it can be quite scary to contemplate, let alone do.

Pastoral counseling (from a trained pastoral *COUNSELOR*, not just any spiritual leader - that's a particular gift and requires special training) may be really important to get through the process. You may find faith-based parenting classes/books useful, though you will want to be careful that you don't just find those who took the 'death-grip on rules' route, of which there are plenty. I hope you will be able to move forward together with both reason and faith, leaving neither your mind nor his soul/spirit/faith-structure behind.

Can you tell that I'm a PK? (preacher's kid - my mom, in this case.) ;)

[Brooke]

Left-handedness is a pretty straight-forward recessive trait. So, it there isn't left-handedness on both sides of your kid's (bio) family, it's likely not an issue.

Not that that really matters in terms of dealing with it, but it will give you an idea if you need to even worry about it.

[deezydubya]

Similar to the PP, my grandmother was a lefty forced to use the right. She was left-handed in some things (like batting or golfing) and right-handed in others (like crocheting) and ambidextrous for yet other things (writing).

My husband, on the other hand, is a natural righty who taught himself to write with both hands as a teenager. Yes, he is a bit of a freak!

I think that what they used to do with kids (i.e. learn to write with your right hand, infidel, or I will beat you with a ruler) was extremely cruel. However, if you're left-handed it isn't the end of the world to know how to do some stuff right-handed, because it makes it much safer to use many right-hand-only items, like, say, a circular saw. (There's a lot more lefties out there missing fingers than righties on a per-capita basis.)

That said, at 10 months you can't tell what they're gonna do. In fact, aren't they supposed to be using both hands? Isn't favoring one at that age usually a sign that you should take them for an early childhood intervention assessment?

[Leah]

My 9 month old son is ambi and it's difficult to tell if he has much (if any) preference at this time. I've spent a LOT of time in occupational therapy sessions with my sister. Hand dominance is an emergent trait at this age and for a long time afterwards. If you're all that interested here's a test that indicates dominance: offer him something at mid-line to his body (draw an imaginary line from his chin down) and offer him something - which hand does he favor? Does he consistently use that hand? Nothing scientific there but it does show an indication of preference...at that developmental stage. Obviously you need to to put a WHOLE lot of observation in as well (um...about 5 years would probably do it!). My own son will reach with either hand at this time and transfers objects as needed (smacking the dog with a toy is a current favorite).

For what it's worth - I don't believe forcing a kid to go against his preference is healthy in any way. Both of my child were born with mild birth defects and I love them fiercely, perhaps even more so since they're such unique and delightful people in addition to being my children. Perhaps a quiet philosophical conversation with your husband about unconditional love and acceptance for your children might be in order.

[Frema]

Why anyone would think being left-handed is wrong? When did this start?

[ALG]

I'm a rightie but I've always opened jars (poorly) with my left hand, and when forced to play hockey in elementary/middle/high school (in gym class), much preferred holding the stick like a lefty. I can also use a knife and fork equally well with both hands. My brother is also pretty good at doing things with both hands, despite mostly being a rightie. I never knew that it was so normal to be able to use either hand to do various things--learn something new every day!

[kate]

I have two experiences with kids who were forced to be right-handed when they clearly weren't meant to be. My grandfather, a natural lefty, was forced to be a righty back in Germany. His sense of direction was totally screwed up, he was constantly getting lost, clumsy and probably dyslexic (back before they had a name for it).

A kid in my class (this was early 70's) was left-handed, and his parents specifically asked the teacher to make him use his right hand. This kid was awkward, socially inept, and hopelessly confused, academically. Even then, in second grade, I connected all of these problems (and the fact that he was unmercifally picked on) to his being forced to use his right hand. I'm a lefty, and I watched what happened to him in horror.

[S.D.]

Frema,

In some cultures I believe it is a sanitation issue. One uses one's left hand for dirty things (e.g. bathroom) and one's right hand for clean things (e.g. eating, touching others). So someone who reverses these is seen as 'unclean.' I of course have no idea whether this is the issue at hand, or if it is just a conformity thing (as I believe it is in some other cultures). Also, it occurs to me that before modern writing utensils, if you wrote a language that goes left-to-right, you had to be taught to write with the right hand to avoid smearing ink across the page.

[Fahmi]

I was left-handed, but my parents re-trained me (a scary story) to become right-handed. What really happened was that I used the right hand to write and eat, but my left hand for everything else, unless they were watching. My teachers also agreed with them, so I had to sneak around to use my left. You don't have to tell kids to use the right hand when in front of someone who disapproves. It happens naturally.

In my culture, it is a sanitation thing tied with religion. My younger cousins who are also left-handed are not forced to switch, (hooray, enlightenment!) just to eat with the right hand, which I think is a reasonable compromise.

[Julia]

I know in my child development classes we learned that handedness can be greatly influenced by environmental factors (as well as biological/genetic). Right-handed parents tend to hand things to their children towards their right (the child's right), which trains them to use that hand (especially before they learn to transfer objects between hands). It's also been shown that the child's position in the womb can affect handedness- if the child was sideways and the movement of one hand was constricted, they may favor the other, less constricted, hand. [one professor explained that freqently twins will have one right-handed and the other left-handed... but I don't know how much evidence there is of this] They may also prefer to lie (lay?) on one side over the other- again leaving one hand/arm more mobile than the other.
Most of what I've read has said that hand preference is shown early (less than 12 months), but isn't usually firm until the child begins writing/drawing in greater detail.

[Emily]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful comments. For the most part I agree with Hedra's comments related to the iceberg. The truth is I feel like I have multiple icebergs in my life (or is it just one HUGE one?) and anyone in a inter-cultural, two country, two language marriage can probably relate.

Way too many layers to go into in this forum, but I'll just say that cultural and religious traditions/behaviors/beliefs are often intertwined and, in my opinion, what people think is rooted in the religious "rules," is usually an outgrowth of a cultural practice.

Maybe I should start a blog!
Thanks to Moxie and all the other blogging moms out there. Your thoughts and insights and willingness to share your lives with the rest of us is appreciated! :-)

[hedra]

Emily, I have a MA in Human Geography, and I totally agree with you - culture has far more influence on what parts of religious practice are kept/practiced than most people think. The process is very hard to track, and is mostly not visible to those who are embedded in it. Everything from aesthetic choices (what colors go with what, whether pictures have to be evenly placed or if asymmetrical is more appealing, what kind of yard you keep) to the more obvious rituals (meal times, bed time, childbirth, marriage) is colored, flavored, and textured by the culture in which you were raised. You can prune back a lot to reshape your family, but it is really hard to spot it all, and harder to be able to see it with perspective!

Good luck with your iceberg! Cross-cultural communication is my specialty (technical writing for the global audience), so I know a little about how challenging it is to even frame the conversation, even before getting into the heart of it. And that's not even for serious, personal, or important stuff! (Dr. Beer's website might be interesting for you, even though it is aimed at 'work' situations, the mediation and communication emphasis may be a big help: http://www.culture-at-work.com/index.html )

[Rosemary Grace]

Just to add another data point: my mother's left handed, and I'm right dominant. I eat "left handed" if you ask a brit, but that's the normal way round in the US. I'm sure that I use my left hand more because I grew up trying to imitate my Mum.

[Maureen]

My 6-yo son has always shown a preference for his left hand, but never exclusively. Now he's in 1st grade & really learning how to write. He usually goes for his left hand, but we let him do what feels right for him. *And*, we talk to him about the problems that he might run into as a left hander & solutions for overcoming them. Sometimes, just to avoid these problems, he will *choose* to work with his right hand.

I think that, right now, the baby in the question is far too young to do anything to 'force' handedness, anyway. Why not just wait & see how it goes?

[Jo Ann]

Not a post about Lefty vs Righty (my 2yo seems to be the former, but who knows?) but a comment to Moxie on her introductory paragraph. You have learned by now that there IS no such thing as vacation when traveling w/ small children. It's just spending a week of your life someplace else.

[christian louboutin]

That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host , of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

[air yeezy]

No matter how gluttonous devouring all the time, we need to breathe at this time, and strive to win our reputation, the sickle of time can not hurt us. - William Shakespeare