Q&A: being happy with an only child

Lucy wrote:

"I am in my mid-thirties and mom to a bright, energetic, wonderful 4-year-old girl. My husband and I put much thought into having a child and our relationship has deepened and grown in ways I would never have expected because we chose to have a kiddo. We both work full-time, but with creative scheduling and good daycare programs, we've been able to spend a good bit of time with our child.

In the past year, many of my friends who had their first kids around the same time I had my daughter have given birth to their second child. I have held these new little ones and have really missed those early baby years and being pregnant and all that. But... After I had my daughter, I had months of anxiety and depression. It was very hard. More than that though - my husband has a disability which affects his fine motor control and walking. He also has a tricky back. He's a very hands-on parent and has been from day one. He is concerned - rightly so - with the energy and physical commitments that having another baby can bring.

I really think I'd be happy with one child. But worries linger - I wonder if I'd be cheating my daughter out of the special relationship siblings can have. What if we're sick and old and she has to take care of us alone? What if she is inevitably spoiled by being an only child?

What I'd really like to find are people who are happy with just having one kiddo, why they're happy and what they feel has worked for them. (It's been hard to find these stories on the internets.) Also, insights into my concerns are welcome. :)"

I was thinking that I was not a good person to ask, because I deliberately had a second child, even though I was terrified of it, because I wanted to make sure my son had a sibling. My relationship with my brother is one of the joys of my life, and I wanted my son to have a chance at that. I'm very glad we had a second, even though it's been harder than I thought it would be in a bunch of ways. (We're currently living through the 18-month sleep regression and vicious scratching phase again. Nice.)

But then Lucy answered her own question! Awesomeness. Instead of having to research it I got to spend more time refereeing fights between my two kids. Here's what she came up with:

Berkeley Parents Network (a great resource for all things parenting) - Having Only One Child, http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/parents/singlechild.html

Parents Of Only Children on Canadian Family Network - http://forum.canadianparents.ca/ubbthreads/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=UBB133

Question: How true are the stereotypes that "onlys" have problems adjusting to social situations and often are selfish and unappreciative?  - Great answer  http://www.usaweekend.com/03_issues/030420/030420relationtips.html

Similar to my original question to you on the Gardenweb Forums: http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/parents/msg120122131041.html?40

 

I'm certainly not going to tell someone else whether or not to have another child. I think people know, in their hearts of hearts, whether they want another one or not. Don't let expectations influence your decision.

Anyone else want to say anything? Parents of onlies? Onlies? (Num Num or Barbara?) People who considered having an only, whatever you decided?

Comments

[Blythe]

When people ask me my opinion on growing up as an 'only,' my short answer is always that every family is different, and there are upsides and downsides no matter the structure. There is no way to predict the future - how a child will handle it when parents grow old, whether she will be a loner or a social butterfly, or if having another child will just make you wonder if you should have a third. When I think about the adults I know, and their relationships with their families, I find multiple examples of happy/difficult/spoiled/humble people, no matter how many siblings they have. I know people (my husband, for example) who consider their brothers and sisters to be some of their closest friends, and can't imagine life without them; I know others who aren't at all close to their siblings, in fact feel hurt and alienated by them.

In my own case, I grew up happy to be an only child. I remember feeling lucky to avoid the sibling rivalries I saw at my friends' houses (though I did take longer to develop a thick skin when it came to teasing). I was comfortable with other children and with adults, and I excelled in school and had a lot of friends. I also learned to value time alone. I weathered my parents' divorce when I was eleven with a minimum of trauma, thanks to the support and maturity of my mother and father. Though I don't consider myself spoiled (Who does?!), I was able to do most of the "big" things I wanted to do - study ballet, participate in foreign exchange, attend the college of my choice - that probably wouldn't have been possible if I'd had to share the family resources with a sibling.

Growing up as an only has affected my adulthood. I married a man who is the third in a family of six children, all of whom are still close as adults. Being part of a big family drives me crazy sometimes, but it was definitely attractive to me, and I am thankful for it. I do worry about taking care of my parents as they age, though I believe that partially because they only had one child, they now have the financial resources and plans to support themselves.

I am currently expecting my first child, and I know my husband and I will face this question in the next few years. I'm not sure which way we'll go, but I think the potential for happiness exists no matter which road we choose, and that our child will find what he needs one way or another (see: only child marrying into the Brady Bunch).

[hedra]

Blythe, excellent comment!

I was in the opposite situation, growing up. My family is fragmented/patchwork, but I can reasonably count 18 siblings as real siblings. I was raised directly with five of them, and intersected with the rest regularly. For me, that was 'too many'. I always wanted two kids, had dreams (sleeping) of having three, married a man who wanted three. We decided on three...

And then, when trying for our second child, I started miscarrying. After the second miscarriage, I had to decide - was it worth pursuing having more? Before I could answer that, I had to decide whether I could be happy with just one.

The answer was definitely YES. I could be deeply happy with one. I could still want more than one and be content with just one if one was what we got. I could make sure he had sibling-like relationships with cousins and the kids of my best friends, and get the chance to navigate the 'you're family so I'm stuck with you so we'd better work it out' waters. I could be watchful for real 'spoiling' and yet willing to provide real opportunities, as well.

There are definite plusses to having enough time and energy, and plentiful emotional, physical, and financial resources for the child one has. Having stretched those resources 'too far' by unexpectedly having twins (children 3 and 4) instead of just one (that third child we'd planned on), I can say that it is definitely challenging to handle. Some days VERY challenging. It can be heartbreaking to make a decision that affects your child for no better reason than inability to muster the resources required. The wise parent recognizes what boundaries can be affected by planning ahead, and what cannot be pushed.

In the end we proceeded through six losses to our 'larger than planned' family of four kids. I love the sibling relationship my kids have. I also love the cousins-and-friends relationships my oldest has outside that sibling layer, that we fostered in the four years it took to have his younger brother. We still maintain those relationships, and he calls the kids of my two best friends 'cousin', still. I don't see much difference in how they relate together with how the direct sibs relate, either. It would have worked out fine, for that.

Anyway, that's my experience. I'm glad we got to carry out our original plan (plus!), but I'd have been fine if it had not worked out this way, too. There's always the questions about the path not taken, opportunities lost and benefits gained either way.

[Kathy B.]

I am the parent of an only child who is now 25 years old. This was by choice -- I was a working mom (work out of the home full time -- whatever the current fashionable phrase is for that!) and did not feel that I could give the time and attention to more than one. As it turns out, I divorced when she was 12, so it was a real blessing for me to only have the one to worry about.

Anyway, knowing that she would be an only child, I paid attention to how I was raising her so she would not become spoiled/selfish/whatever. I used to get comments like "she doesn't act like an only child."

She is now a caring, giving adult. The only thing she doesn't share well is her time. She very much likes her alone time, which may or may not be as a result of being an only.

I asked her once how she felt about being raised as an only. She says there were times when she thought maybe she would like a sibling, but then she thought some more and realized that if there were another she would not have had some of the privileges she grew up with (such as going to private schools) which I would not have been able to afford. So all in all, she says she was quite happy.

It can be done, but takes a lot of work to keep from spoiling them!

[Ally]

I'm an only, kind of. I have a half brother and sister, but grew up with my grandparents, not my dad and step-mom. I always felt something was missing, but realize now it wasn't a sibling but other, less tangible things.

I struggle with this. We cannot afford another child now and I can't risk my career at this point (the sleep deprivation, the divided focus, that type of thing, not descrimination). I'm on the downward slope to 40, and conceiving Jamie was difficult. And my husband, the oldest of three, told me recently that as much as he loves his brother (his sister is certifiable and we've cut her out of our lives) he doesn't feel his life would have been less without him.

Right now, I am very happy with our family. Jamie doesn't experience the same isolation I did for many reasons. I'm as stretched as I think I can be between family and career, and our own circumstances - finances, my husband's health and work schedule, my position as the breadwinner - will likely not change. The further we move away from babyhood, the more I feel like I don't want to go back. Jamie is 2, I'm not shutting that door until he is 3, but it's slowly swinging shut on its own I think.

[Jennifer]

I am an only child and I am almost certain that my daughter will be an only child. My husband is certain it would strain our time, energy, and bank account to have another (we both work full time, but as a librarian and a professor, so no big incomes). I'm a bit more ambivalent, but on the whole agree.

Sometimes I think--about myself--that it would be great to have a sibling because I have friends whose relationships with their brothers and sisters are soooo close and supportive. Then, I can also think of just as many folks who are totally indifferent to their siblings. I don't think there's any way to predict how that will turn out. Similarly, I'm starting to have to care for my mother and it sure would be nice to have another person to rely on for some help. But, at the same time, I know lots of folks who have had siblings who were no help whatsover in this regard and others who have wrecked their relationships with siblings because of disagreements on care issues. Once again, there's just no way to know how that would work out.

I think a bigger family works for some and a smaller for others--both are perfectly fine. Your child will hopefully make close friends and have strong relationships with all kinds of different people--especially in this mobile world where we don't necessarily end up in proximity to family. Even if you have scads of siblings, you have to build family where you land.

[Ariella]

I am an only child and I absolutely bristle at the characterization that only children are "inevitably spoiled." First, only children show the characteristics of both oldest children AND youngest. This does not necessarily mean spoiled. Second, being an only child doesn't mean being lonely or not having social skills or any of the other negative (and preposterous) stereotypes that abound regarding only children.

Both my husband and I are only children. He's incredibly outgoing and one of the least spoiled, materialistic and "entitled" people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. Indeed, most people are surprised to learn that either of us are onlies because neither of us are particularly spoiled. I think the only "characteristic" of an only child that I possess is maybe how much I enjoy spending time by myself.

By the same token, I come from a family where the sibling relationships have mostly deteriorated and they hardly speak to one another any longer. Not everyone's sibling relationships are wonderful with butterflies and rainbows popping out of them; some people hate their siblings FOR REAL.

The thing that causes a spoiled child is a parent's failure to set limits -- NOT whether the child has a sibling. I know plenty of children who have siblings who are absolutely atrocious and spoiled and materialistic and entitled, while I also know onlies who are the same way. Siblings don't matter, parenting does.

Enjoy your only child. Be glad you can give her the best of everyone, that you don't have to compromise about whether you can afford college because there's a sibling, that you can still have a LIFE as a parent because you only have one. I personally think it's all about personal preference with respect to how many children you have, and I wouldn't tell anyone how many to have nor criticize their decision.

[Nicola]

I adopted when I was in my early 20s. It wasn't until I married in my early 30s (now baby is 14) and had my son; that I truly appreciated all that time I had with my daughter. She and I enjoyed her childhood (which thankfully she remembers as happy), we travelled and went everywhere together. Now it wasn't easy - single mother, worked in a dangerous industry that was required shift work away from home...thankfully we had my parents. At the same time, my parents were starting again with kids - 4 girls all younger than my own daughter. So she got to be the only kid when mom was home and then when I was gone, she was part of a large sibling group. Biologically she's 1 of 8 and she sees some of these siblings frequently, others not.

So along came my son...and he's forced us (my husband, my daughter and I) to truly cooperate (which isn't always easy with a teenager) and come together as a family. He's become the common denominator for us.

I would whisper to my husband in the dark, caressing the little guy sleeping between us "It's OK if he's the only one - he's enough." And he would agree, that if no more blessings came along, he'd be enough.

When I was pregnant, my daughter asked if I wanted a girl or a boy. I answered that I wanted a boy because I already had a daughter. My daughter gasped...as if she thought (or feared) I'd want a bio or "real" daughter. She was truly touched by this offhand comment I made. It disturbed me because for me, it was completely true. I never, ever considered her anything other than mine.

And surprise - I just found out I'm pregnant again. We'll have a 15 yo and then two babies - 19 mo and a NB. I'm overwhelmed and happy but there's an undercurrent of ambivalence...some days it's all we can do to cope with outside school activities with one kid while being painfully aware we need to have the baby home for his dinner/bath/bed. We end up splitting the duties and we lose time together this way.

Having my daughter as an "only" for 13 years was wonderful - but her life was tempered with periodic stays (less than a week) with my parents' brood. Sure she was spoiled, but it wasn't apparent in her behavior...I think having time with other kids in the family taught her about sharing, kindness, compassion, and responsbility - as well as licking the last biscuit so someone else wouldn't want it.

Bottom line IMO, I think "onlies" do fine if they're raised with periodic time with other kids (extended family, cousins, etc.) and parents make an effort to keep it real and reasonable on the spoiling. Also that the parents don't set the kid as the center of the universe...I think this distorts kids' self-image.

BTW my co-worker has an only that is spoiled (her words - nice kid though) and now in 4th grade, they're having to find ways to encourage her in school outside of buying her everything she wants or taking things away.

[hedra]

Thinking some more on this, I have several friends who are onlies. The ones who are the most distressed by that are the ones who had fairly disastrous/dsfunctional parents. The ones who had solid/healthy/normal (if not always brilliant) parents are neither spoiled nor feel there is anything lacking regarding siblings. Which is pretty much how it works with siblings as well - considering the same issues, the 'too many' siblings I had really reflected the parenting issues my parents had, not the actual number of sibs.

Hmmm. Now, how to apply that to my own parenting. Sibling crises as a heads-up to examine my parenting skills again? Maybe.

[Laurie]

I agree with most of what Blythe said about being an only, especially the part about teasing- it took me well into my 20's to be able to let teasing comments roll off of me.

I think a lot of the difference comes down to parental attitude. I am not a true only, as I had a younger sibling who passed away at age 4 (I was 6). By that point my parents knew they would not be having any more kids (Mom had a medically necessary hysterectomy, and Dad was too old for adoption at that time). So they tried very hard to strike a decent balance between permissiveness and sheltering; they walked a fine line between providing for me because they could and spoiling me because they wanted to. I never did get that pony I wanted, dammit ;)

[Abigail]

I have a only, by choice.

http://tinyurl.com/y2nr92

The thing I find most difficult is the insensitive remarks. I often feel tempted to say "well, we wanted another" and look away, pretending to choke up, but fuck em. We wanted an only child for all the good reasons everyone else has already stated. I have 6 siblings and value my relationships with them, while my husband has one sibling with whom he has a relationship that waffles between bad and non-existent. We made the decision based on what we wanted, not on trying to recreate or fix our own childhoods.

I would never say to a parent planning another child "are you sure you can afford it?" or "won't your attention be divided." Hopefully the increase in families with onlies will lessen the prejudice.

[shayneegray]

I am an only child, in part by my parents' choice to feel financially secure enough to support whatever children they brought into the world. (For what it's worth, their vision of financial stability did not involve new cars or luxury items but the ability to provide for their child without worrying about the next paycheck and to send me to college without saddling me or them with debt.) I grant that I may have been "spoiled" at times when it came to attention, but this has not turned me into a narcissistic, anti-social adult. As a couple of the earlier commenters mentioned, I did, and still do, have a hard time with teasing or bickering. But I frankly believe some of that is just my innate nature.

The one area in which I sometimes feel a lack stems not from my being an only child but from being an only child of only children. Without aunts, uncles, or cousins, I often picture our family tree as an inverted pyramid, with everything stopping with me. I felt this most acutely recently when my final grandparent passed away. There are just my mom, my dad, me, and my daughter left now, as far as our "lineage" goes. I would love to have some extended family with whom to share memories, etc. but I'll simply try to balance that with my place in my husband's rather huge extended family.

My parents are sensitive to some of the burdens--financial and emotional--that can fall to only children as their parents age, having gone through just that with their own parents and a step-parent. So they have taken steps to make sure they have the medical care and finances available to support them as they get older, should they need those resources. And I hugely appreciate their foresight.

Basically, I don't feel anyone owes it to their child to try to ensure that the child has siblings. Growing up as an only child is not inherently any less rewarding than any other childhood. All families have pros and cons to their dynamics, and ultimately it's up to the parents to figure out what size is best for their respective family.

[abba-daddy]

we waited 5 years (not intentionally) till our 1st angle was born. we felt ready as a couple to bring a child to this world without really knowing what it means ( no can really tell you),
we waited 3 1/2 years for the 2nd angle to arrive.

the moment she came to our life I felt that I was betraying my 1st one. it took me almost 2 months to get connected to her - I have friends is took them a whole year ( at first I felt that there is something wrong with me).

It’s an amazing feeling having 2 kids. True, it’s 180 degrees different then what we had before. but we are (I hope) attentive to our 1st one’s needs ( being both me and wify first born we are more in tune with the feeling of lose), and I have to say that I never thought that I could love as much but it is happening.

I believe that you should feel that you are ready because otherwise it’s a very unjust and painful life for the kids.

my 2 cents.

[Alison S]

I'm an only child too, and I'd absolutely agree that, with halfway reasonable parenting, you aren't going to end up spoiled. The only consequences I can see in my adult life are:
a) I need alone time to destress - I have to get away from my family regularly to function properly, much though I love them (an hour or two on the Internet does it...)
b) when I had my two daughters, I found it very hard to cope with and deal with their sibling bickering, because it wasn't something I'd experienced myself, and so I just didn't understand it (still don't, to some extent)
c) I'm very self-sufficient.
I can honestly say I never once wished for a sibling as a child. Now, I'd love one if I had a good relationship with him/her, but just for the sake of it? - still not.

[Alison S]

I'm an only child too, and I'd absolutely agree that, with halfway reasonable parenting, you aren't going to end up spoiled. The only consequences I can see in my adult life are:
a) I need alone time to destress - I have to get away from my family regularly to function properly, much though I love them (an hour or two on the Internet does it...)
b) when I had my two daughters, I found it very hard to cope with and deal with their sibling bickering, because it wasn't something I'd experienced myself, and so I just didn't understand it (still don't, to some extent)
c) I'm very self-sufficient.
I can honestly say I never once wished for a sibling as a child. Now, I'd love one if I had a good relationship with him/her, but just for the sake of it? - still not.

[Nell]

I just wanted to add that I've heard the recent collection of essays titled "Maybe Baby" has a piece (Neal Pollack, I think) on the decision to have only one. I haven't yet read it, but have been planning to do so for some time.

As a parent of a two-year old only (likely to remain so), I have been quite surprised by the number of people who press me on this topic.

[Num Num]

I'm an only child and the mother of an only child. In neither case was it planned. My parents had siblings, but unhappy families so even though we all spent a lot of time together as I was growing up, my cousins did not become my siblings. Two close friends did, though. My closest friends are only children or children of two-child families. We have time for each other.

My son also had to learn that friendship and family are different: sometimes better sometimes worse. We have higher standards of behavior than many; we expect our friends to earn their places in our hearts; we don't tolerate hurtful behavior very well.

The hardest time, as I've experienced it, is when an only child's parents are aging and ill. It's very intense. But in many families, it's not unusual for one child to take that responsibility. With an only child it's a given.

You play the cards you're dealt. You can't guarantee that your children will be close, any more than I knew how close I'd become to some of my only-child friends.

The old saw is that if the parents are happy, the child(ren) will be. It applies in this case. But try to raise an only child with a light hand, especially if you've chosen it.

[Hiding]

I'm posting anonymously on this because I'm guessing I could get attacked for what I'm going to say. But it's the absolute truth and what I feel. And I thought I should share.

I grew up in a family with 3 kids, and I loved it so much. I am not so close to my brother now, but very close to my sister and just love that relationship.

My daughter (4) and I have an extremely close relationship. Her Dad is in the Navy and so my daughter and I have had lots of time, just the two of us. She is very bright and loving and a wonderful girl.

I wasn't ready to have another child. I didn't think I was capable of giving what I had given my daughter to 2 children. But my husband pressured me, he just loves children so much, and we had our gorgeous son.

Things did not go well. I had terrible PPD (partly I think because I was in denial during the whole pregnancy and felt guilty about not having time for my daughter) and my son had (has) a severe medical condition meaning endless work and medical appointments. It was like the worst case scenario I imagined for having another child came true. And then some.

So, although I love my dear boy, some days. Oh it's hard to say. But some days I wish I'd never made the decision to have another.

Ugh, what kind of mother am I.

Anyway, I'm sure this has no relevance to your question, but this is what happened to me. Most people I know who have doubts but go ahead and have another child have absolutely no regrets at all.

The one thing I would take from my experience though is that you need to be sure you want another child. So many of my friends said "Don't think, just have another one" and I am sure that contributed to my depression and a lot of my negative feelings.

Only children or children with siblings, they can all turn out to be wonderful people if they have loving, caring parents.

[hedra]

Hiding, good mothers can regret and love at the same time. IMHO, it is okay to regret the choice (with all the implications for all areas of your life), while still loving the child. Heck, my mom regretted having 7 kids many times, sometimes for years on end. She wouldn't give any of us back, nor does that mean she loves us less, but boy would life have been simpler! She no-longer regrets it, now that we're all grown, by the way. But I see nothing wrong with acknowledging the negatives. They're real, too.

[Lisa C.]

When I was pregnant with the Moosh, I told everyone that if I had one child, I would have to have two because any child I had deserved a sibling.

Then he was born. I took back that sanctimonious statement, over and over and over again. He was, best termed, a difficult baby. He had reflux, colic, and he was high needs. I don't regret having him, exactly - I love him absolutely to death and enjoy my life with him for the most part - but sometimes I wish that I had taken another path.

My DH and I were on rocky ground before the Moosh was born and his birth pretty much destroyed what relationship we had left. It's not his fault, and I would never say this to him, but a child like that, that takes so much was a real burden on our already troubled relationship.

For a long time, I clung to my belief that I HAD to have another child because the Moosh deserved a sibling. DH was on board, and we went through a brief period of TTC, which didn't take (it was only 3 months or so). I'm so very glad we didn't get pregnant. Since then our relationship has grown steadily worse, and I'm so glad I didn't have to deal with a pregnancy on top of all of that.

Now I find myself satisfied with the wonderful child I have. He is a beautiful little boy and I couldn't ask for more. :) I won't deny that sometimes I am envious of families with two or more children, but I am 90% sure of the fact that I never want to have a baby again. That may change, you never know what can happen, but I will be fulfilled if I have my one beautiful boy.

[Sara]

I've commented all over the Internets on this subject, as its one close to my heart.

I'm an only. A happy only. While I did choose to have a second child, it wasn't out of any "My child NEEDS a sibling" sentiment, but my own desire for another child.

In fact, while others struggle with "Oh, but how awful to grow up without a sibling," my struggle was with the idea that by having a second, *neither* of my children would *get* to be an only child.

Which reflects something fundamental about the debate. People with siblings cannot know what its like not to have them. They see having no siblings as a loss, and can only imagine only childhood by imagining their siblings never existed -- and that's no only hard, but feels disloyal, some kind of fantasy Sophie's Choice of choosing who exists and doesn't exist.

I don't know what it was like to have siblings, and so I did not miss them. People with siblings, equally, do not know what they missed by having them. Its heretical to say that something might be missed by becoming a sibling, but it is just as true as saying that onlies miss out on something. It's often put down by saying that what children in multi-child families miss out on is only the monetary perks and increased resources of only childhood, but that's not entirely true.

You're rarely going to find someone with Anon's courage above, who will admit that perhaps they should have stopped with the ones they have. The internet is full of testimonials to the joy of having more than one, and how even after uncertainty, #2, #3, #4-infinity have brought so much joy.... But who is going to sit and type the words that wish one of their children away? The data are skewed.

Some thoughts on raising a happy only, from one:

Never apologize to your only child for not "giving" them a sibling. It implies that they're incomplete and that your family is lacking in some way.

Never try to "make it up" to your child for being an only, either. Your child is still your child and you are the parent - becoming a second child in an effort to be the older sibling they jsut don't have isn't going to benefit anyone. Arranging things so that there are plenty of opportunities for play with other children is fine, but buying everything in sight for them is probably nto the best coping strategy.

[Foster]

I am an only child and I always said that if I had one child, even if it was difficult, Id tough it out for at least one more so they would have a sibling. Now, eh, I dont care so much for that reason, because the desire to be a parent to more than one child is simply that: I love kids and want several. If I "only" have one, I wont feel sad for my child like I used to think I would. My husband had a great relationship with his older brother, and would be happy with only two for that reason.

My parents both chose, for different but very equal reasons, to have one child. They never even tried for another. I dont usually talk about it, but my dad was the third of three children. He has an older brother and sister. His mother named his brother. His father named his sister. His brother named him. My dad never wanted any of his children to feel like they werent loved as much as the other(s), and he wanted his kids to know they were wanted the most of all. For him, the decision was easy *shrug*

I really cant stand the fact that parents of one child get harassed about it, just like parents of large families get harassed. It's like, "A boy for me, a girl for you, thank God, now we're through" should be our national anthem, and it's pathetic. The only reason youre even allowed to have three is if your first two are of the same sex and you want one of the other. The reason that attitude gets me so riled is b/c I am an only child, and I want five kids. Now, everyone has their own opinions and judgements, and I certainly understand (and participate) in making comments behind peoples backs (c'mon, who doesnt EVER gossip), but for how many "mommy drive-bys" there are in this world (and it might as well be "stranger drive-bys"), Im sorry, but the lady in line at the store does NOT need to hear my opinion of her family. If I say something to dh about it, whatever, but open comments to someones face? RUDE.

[trishka]

i am the proud thrilled ecstatic overjoyed mother to the most fabulous six month old son any woman could ever wish for.

and i never want to have another.

my story -- i was ambivalent about having children at all, but partnered with a loving man in a good stable relationship, and he wanted children, so i decided to be brave and go for it. and at this point i'm glad i did.

i'm glad that i got to experience pregnancy, labor, delivery, and all that.

and i have absolutely zero desire to ever go through any of it ever again.

and we're lucky parents, we got one of the easy babies of the world. doesn't fuss much, sleeps well, cheerful, lots of fun to be around. my attitude is: let's quit while we're ahead?!?

plus i'm 39 years old, and my husband is 50. i don't feel bad about us having a child at our ages, because we're both extremely healthy & energetic for our ages, but still. there's a limit.

my family history: youngest of nine, extremely dysfunctional family. i don't see us as depriving our son of a sibling so much as sparing our family the rivalry, the teasing, the cruelty, the competition for attention, the dysfunction, the fighting, the violence &c.

my husband's family history: oldest of three, happy family, gets along well with all of his siblings, so he doesn't see the sibling issue as the big negative that i do.

we have made a point of putting our son in a daycare environment where he gets to interact with other kids of varying ages so for a certain number of hours/week he will be in a situation where he has to learn to interact with other children, share toys & all that. plus we hopefully will be decent enough parents ourselves that we can do a good job of setting limits & so forth so he won't end up spoiled or anything like that.

i have noticed that people tend to assume that everyone wants multiple children. people are always talking to me about what's going to happen when "the next one" comes along. i'm like: um, who says there's going to be a next one?

[Shelley]

This one hits home for me in a big way. I have one wonderful, fabulous, deeply fulfilling 3-y-o daughter. She's the light of my life. As everyone is commenting above, 2 seems to be the default, and my husband and I are both one of two... and so we got pregnant again, and had a late first-trimester miscarriage... had been feeling ambivalent when it happened. In the grief I was horrified to discover that one of my many emotions was relief. It took me a full year to work through the guilt associated with that.

After a bunch of testing I found out I have blood clotting mutations that would require injectible blood thinners daily should we do this again. I'm almost 38, and right now I just can't imagine going down this road again... I am very afraid of going through another pregnancy, didn't enjoy it the first time (painful fibroid issues) and am terrified of going through that again, the risks of being "older," etc. And once the baby arrived, were I to successfully conceive and carry to term, it's very easy for me to imagine myself in Hiding's shoes.

Honestly, I think it would be a good thing for my daughter if I had another. But as a good friend of mine said to me, that's not enough. *You have to want it for you most of all.* I may change my mind, but right now that's where I am with it.

[Aly]

Hey thanks everyone for your insightful stories and comments. I'm 37 with a gorgeous 6 month old boy (who wasn't exactly an 'easy' baby) and am just starting to think about "do we want another one?". I had a dream pregnancy and a wonderful birth, but I honestly don't know if I could deal with all that a newborn baby requires again, whilst still giving enough quality attention to our first born. I found those first few weeks incredibly intense (as does every first-time mom I guess). After reading everyone's comments here, I strangely feel almost 'relieved' about possibly deciding on only having one child. It's early days yet, but currently I'm swayed towards leaving it with one and enjoying a quality life without the hassles of another.

I just wanted to say that this has been really helpful.

[Colt]

Im 23 goin on 24 in May and ive been reading through these forums for a while and i can say ive learned some very interesting things. I guess i never really thought about being a only child until recently, and i can say i do get lonely at times and sad. I can relate to what alot of other people said about having a hard time with teasing or bickering and i to love to have time alone.I dont think i was spoiled but i do rely on my parents alot when it comes to money and attention.I had many friends throughout school but i see now that im older and im out of school ive lost touch with pretty much all of my childhood friends except maybe one which has been my good friend since the second grade but he now has a girldfriend, so we rarely hangout, so now its pretty much just me and my parents. But i can say i have a very difficult time making friends with new people and to tell you the truth i just dont like the people i meet and im not sure if its because i think they dont deserve me or this sense of entitlement i see coming through in my personality constantly.I do wish i had someone to confide in like a brother or sister, someone to relate to... Or what another person said in one of the post. They wish they had brothers and sisters to look back on memory's with like Christmas or thanksgiving , vacations... When i was younger i guess i didnt really notice or care that i was a only child but now that im older and i see clearer i sometimes find myself dreaming of how things could have been..I guess everything happens for a reason, its Gods Will. PS> please excuse my grammar and punctuation ive been out of school for a while :)

[Ka-Tana]

Hi. I'm 18 years old and I'm a happy only child.
I see no Con's in being on my own, I simply love it and have grown to have a wild imagination and be interested in subjects I love and adore. I have known what I want my career to be at an early age.
I love my family connection, privacy and simply, I just love how things turned out.
In my school, sense Monday, we've been talking about the pro's and con's to being an only child and having siblings.

......For me, I simply like my life, it's hard to explian, but I just love how things turned out.
It doesn't matter if you have siblings or not. People are people, they need to learn and adapt to certain things.
As long as you have the right parenting, your ok.
I get frusterated when Only Children are labled as Spolit and Selfish.
It's not true. Far from the truth.
Siblings can be both Spolit and Selfish as well, I know plenty of em' that are spolit and selfish, and plenty who aren't. It's a mix.
The same with all people. There's a mix.

It doesn't matter, people are people. It doesn't matter how many kids you have ^^

In the furture, I want to have two kids but I will raise them as only children. The second will probably be born when the first is 17 or 19. (Plus, I'm the kid of girl that can only raise one at a time, lol)

It's sad that the Only Children are looked down at---I think that's why lots of Only Children want Siblings to, or feel lonly, because they are looked down upon.
It shoulnn't have to be like that.

If your happy being an only/having an only. Then what's it to them?
If people like having Siblings, that's great. Just....please son't feel sorry for us Only's.
You never know.....maybe they really are happy. They just get pissed when labeled ^^

[wbondarmunw]

Opportune day!
I hankering that chose the decent segment of it for asking your make doubts, if not, sorry.
I do not unundoubtedlyably ordinarily go to the forums. And my, my inconceivable is what is:
How do you imagine how moment the conundrum of toll increases, and whether it is practical broad shock,
the deed data that already incident, namely: Rising grub charges has transformed stuffs into an global gin excess ofnmental issue.
Riots pull someone's leg erupted in Egypt, Haiti and Bangladesh closed soaring stuffs guerdons.
People fought one another closed bags of rice in West Africa.
The causes and the solutions to the subsistence critical time are complex.
Iif not tough and you make your notion on this, entertain come back, I am awfully interested to catch your theory.
See you later!
P.S. Sorry for my english.

[bbb]

jkjndfkjnkjbgfnkjnbfkjnkfdbjn