Q&A: preparing 2-year-old for mom's surgery

Nikki writes:

"I am going to have shoulder surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff and various other issues in 2 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who is a complete momma's boy. He loves for me to still pick him up, carry him to bed at night and etc. I am also apparently a human jungle gym. What advice would you give to help prepare my son for my surgery. I don't want him to feel that I'm not holding him and doing all that I used to because I don't want to anymore. Also what ways do you suggest that I might still be able to comfort him after surgery when I'm going to be pretty much couch ridden for awhile. Thanks!"

Ouch! I'm sorry about your shoulder.

I would prep him for the surgery by making a little book for him with drawings of you with him, and your shoulder, and you with your shoulder bandaged after the surgery. In the "before surgery" section you can make some drawings of stuff he does now (jumping and climbing on you, etc.) and in the "after surgery" section you can draw the stuff you'll be able to do with him while you're healing (read books, snuggle, watch videos, color, play with playdough, teach him how to get you bottles of water from the bottom shelf of the fridge, etc.).

You might also want to buy him a doll or bear or something that can go to the hospital with you and come back with a bandaged shoulder, so he has a "patient" to take care of. He can practice being gentle with the bear, or (and this might be even more useful for him) he might end up taking out any sad or bad feelings he has on the bear. He can bandage and un-bandage the bear, and generally just work out the process in his head with the bear.

Take the estimate the doctors give you about when you'll be able to go back to normal activities and tie it to a seasonal change of some sort. That will help him have some external marker to wait for. For example, he'll know that when all the leaves fall off the trees you'll be able to throw a ball with him again. Or when it starts to snow you'll be able to pick him up. You get the idea. (You could put it in the book if you wanted to, so you could go over it whenever you read the book together.)

I'd also make plans to have someone else available to be wild with him every day during your recovery time, if possible. If you have a relative or friend or babysitter who could come over and wrestle with him or run around outside with him then he'd still be getting in all his normal wild rumpus time but without hurting you.

Anything else I'm forgetting? I think he's going to be more anxious before the surgery than he will be once you come home. Once he sees that you're still the same, just not able to do everything you used to, he'll probably be fine for the most part.

Comments

[Gretchen]

I'd start limiting the climbing, jumping, and carrying now, rather than waiting until you're home from the hospital.

Hope you heal soon!

[Maria]

Do you have anyone coming to help you for the first few days? After I had minor surgery, my mom came over to help with the toddler (husband could only take off the day of the surgery), and it was a huge help. My son knew I couldn't lift him, because I had a "big boo-boo", but he was so excited to see his Noni it didn't really bother him.

[Kate]

Moxie has great ideas, but don't be surprised if you still have to remind him ALL THE TIME that mommy can't do x,y, and z right now. As Gretchen said, you might want to find alternatives to ease the transition.

But he'll be fine. I was not able to VBAC my second baby; couldn't lift my toddler (22 months at the time) for 5-6 weeks. We managed. And, 4 months later, still change her diaper on the floor, only nurse lying down in bed, etc.

Good luck!

[Leah]

OH - I can totally relate! My shoulder has been giving me grief for years and while I was pregnant, it got the rest (no lifting rule) it sorely needed. But now with my 22 lb 8 mo hanging off of me all the time, I'm sleeping with ice packs again and can't lift that arm to wash my hair. As we contemplate another baby, I can't help become anxious over the idea of hauling a big boy around, plus another little (to be born c-section too) in a car seat...my poor arms won't do it.

As for my bum arm now - I have to repeat over and over to the toddlers and little kids in my life, that THAT HURTS ME and I don't pick up, and wrestle around any more. And when I had my knee worked on, I reminded and reminded that while the Dr "fixed" me...it still needed lots time to get better...I still had an owie and ouchies on that knee. Also - I found the hard way to not have littles go with you on the day of surgery. My mother had my 5 yo sister in visiting me before surgery and the kid fainted when she watched me get an IV and then panicked when she saw me shuffle off to the OR. It horrified me and terrified her. So have a someone else who is not responsible for your care, take care of your son so he only see you at home afterwards.

No doubt it'll be hard on both of you - but definately keep to doctor's orders and don't push it!

[Nikki]

thanks for all the great advice everyone. i love the idea of taking a bear to the hospital with me and then bringing it home bandaged up. that will really help with aaron!

[jordan shoes]

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