Q&A: 21-month-old acting up on purpose

Kate writes:

"My son is 21 months old.

Up to now he has been extremely responsive to correction from us.  If I told him something was a "no-no" and wagged my pointer finger, he would stop what he was doing, wag his own finger, say "no-no" and then applaud.  And we would applaud too.

In the past week or so, this has stopped working. Yesterday, I told him to stop grabbing the lettuce off of my plate and throwing it on the floor.  But he just got a glinty look in his eye, grabbed as much lettuce as he could and threw it on the floor.  Today, I told him I would not buy him a matchbox car from the man selling them on the street.  So he took his hand and swept it along the table pushing 5 or 6 cars onto the sidewalk.

I would like to handle incidents like this calmly and consistently.  Our old method doesn't really work, though, because as our son has matured he's lost interest in doing things like touching fans or outlets that are predictable enough that we are able to put them in the "no-no" category in advance.

He also seems to have started acting badly "on purpose" as opposed to because his overwhelming interest/lack of impulse control got the better of him.  He seems to be doing bad things to see how we will respond.

So my question to you is -- how should we respond? First, how should we respond if he does something bad that we're not 100% sure he knew was bad, like sweeping the cars onto the sidewalk?  Second, how should we respond if he does something he was well aware was bad -- like throwing food on the floor?

Although what I am most interested in is your expert opinion, if there's a book or other resource you think would be helpful, that would be great too."

Well, I'm so not an expert, but I did feel like this was a problem I had half a decent handle on the first time, and may be able to deal with as I head into it again. (In contrast to the myriad problems I have no clue about.)

I think the thing to keep in mind is that you don't want to engage in a battle of wills with your toddler. This shouldn't be about controlling him, but instead guiding him to better behavior. He's testing to see what he can get away with, and it won't serve anyone if he gets away with negative behavior, but if you can guide him without being punitive he'll have less to push back against.

The way I handled that was to remain matter-of-fact as I said "No" and just picked him up and redirected him. I found that my older son needed to be physically guided away from things he shouldn't do (whether that was throwing food on the floor or biting other kids or pulling the cat's fur) and guided toward the new thing I wanted him to do instead. Part of my plan was to have him repair any damage he'd done as much as possible, so if he threw food on the floor, I'd guide his hands while he cleaned it up. We'd talk about how to fix a situation if he'd taken or broken anything. Sometimes things couldn't be fixed. We talked about that, too.

The idea I returned to again and again with him was "We don't do that." That made it just a standard of behavior, not something I was setting up that he could fight me on. (The same way we used "It's time for bed" instead of "I want you to go to bed.") I think if I'd known about Hedra's "safe, respectful, and kind" idea I would have filtered everything through that. "We don't do that because it's not respectful," etc. He knew very clearly what the boundaries were and that he couldn't go past those boundaries, but there was no nastiness or control struggle about it. (Is anyone else testing out Hedra's Big 3? We've been doing it for about a week in our house. If anyone else is trying it we can all discuss it in a few weeks.)

If I could get to him before he misbehaved to move him away from what he was going to do, things worked out better than if I had to play clean-up after he'd done something he wasn't supposed to. I really don't believe in waiting to see what a kid this young will do, and then punishing when they misbehave. It's a toddler's job to test limits, so of course they're going to do what they're not supposed to. Catching him when he opened his mouth and started to lunge, and putting in his biting toy was part of the process of helping him be able to make better choices. Waiting until he'd bitten and then punishing him pulled the focus away from helping him learn the boundaries and to control his behavior.

You may have a child who responds well to verbal cues and doesn't need the physical guidance. In that case, you'll have to stay on top of things by directing him to do what you want him to do before he misbehaves. As an example, if you saw him about to throw the lettuce, you could direct him to put the lettuce on the table. Again, you're helping him make better behavior choices and at the same time not allowing him to do the negative behavior. If he still does the thing you don't want him to do, try using the physical guidance and see how he responds. And, of course, he needs to clean up any mess he makes, whether it's throwing lettuce or brushing cars on the floor.

If you reinforce the boundaries like this, there really isn't a difference in the way you treat something you know he knew not to do and something you don't know he knew not to do. You'll have plenty of time to get angry at him for deliberately disobeying you when he's 3 1/2 (oh, yes), so at this first misbehaving stage try to keep the focus just on reinforcing boundaries without emotion.

There are going to be tantrums. Only you know what your child needs during a tantrum. And it may vary by the situation. Some kids are just letting off steam and need to be left alone to rage. Others need closeness to be helped through the bad feelings. You could always try asking, "Do you need a hug?" and if the answer is "No" (or "No!!!") you can say "I'm sorry you feel so sad. I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready for a hug." That way your child knows you're there to comfort them, but the tantrum doesn't dictate anyone's actions.

That's what worked for me. We entered this phase right after I read Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting, and I know that book helped me focus on what message I was trying to get across during this extremely trying phase.

I know some of you will also have great ideas about how to weather this stage gracefully and productively, and some book recommendations. Lay them on us.

Comments

[Naomi]

I am so glad someone wrote in with this question...in fact, it was as if I had written it! This is exactly what we are going through now with our son (who turns 21 months this week!!)

He's generally a good kid, but can be quite naughty when he puts his mind to it. Thanks for giving us a few things to try, and at least it's nice to know we aren't alone!

[bec 36]

Moxie mentioned trying not to react emotionally so that you don't turn things into a battle of wills, and I just wanted to add that sometimes a toddler will do things because they are trying to *get* the reaction, even if it is a negative one (soggy potato chip, Dr. Karp?). My almost 11-month-old is throwing food on the floor, and I know that for him it is an exploration of gravity, but I am remember how tough it was with my first son not to get really annoyed at stuff like that. Good luck!

[hedra]

I'm dying with curiosity about how my 'Big 3' (thanks, Moxie) are going with others...

We are also big fans of what my mom called the 'red light effect' - kids this age want your attention, your engagement, and your emotional response. They want you, all of you, at your most interesting. What that comes down to is that it doesn't matter if the attention is positive (green light) or negative (red light), as long as it is good and strong (bright light). My mom used to tell me this as a kid, which made no sense to ME at all (of COURSE I wasn't being naughty just to get her attention!), but then I saw it in my kids, and went 'Ah-HA!' She was right!

So, I do the 'dull' reaction to negative actions. Boring facial expression, boring amounts of eye contact (minimal), boring body language (calm), boring vocal tone (mild), etc. This takes a lot of pretending some days (I'm getting to be quite an actor!), but it is a good part of the solution. We basically remind of the rule/principle in generaly simple and positive terms, fix the problem they caused (clean up, etc., including being 'helped' to do it if needed), and get them involved in something else (redirection). All that as mildly and in as BORING a manner as possible. Boring is loathsome at this age.

However, that still doesn't solve my child's problem, which is that they're seeking my attention, and trying to figure out the best/fastest ways to get it, as bright and shining and spotlighted on them as possible. So I watch out of the corner of my eye for the next self-driven positive action my child does following any behavior I'm trying to 'extinct'. The INSTANT they do that positive thing (putting away a toy, being kind to the cat, even just sitting nicely on a chair), I laserbeam in on them with the green light. Lots of eye contact, lots of energy, lots of emotion, right down on their level, expressive, joyful, all hugs and smiles. WOO! They're usually flabbergasted by this, but it shifts their mental focus from the 'thing I was just trying to do to get a response, and the tweaking of that thing to see if something else will work better' to the 'hey, JACKPOT! I've GOT IT! Sit nicely (or whatever) and she is ALL over me! WOO!'

I've never had it take more than three days of being consistant about this pattern to utterly extinct a negative behavior, from hitting, to poking the cat... The problem is being spot-on consistant for three days. Kind of exhausting sometimes. And that's without it being twins. (Twins, I'm having trouble with the 'once I spotlight one child, the other wants the spotlight immediately, and will do whatever is necessary to get it, from pulling first child's hair to whatever the first child was just distracted from doing... ARGH! I'm not so good at the 'boring to exciting to boring to exciting' flip-flop in series. ONE swap I can do, the endless string of them in series as they go back and forth... um, still short on that skill! I'll take any suggestions I can get on that part!)

[carabeth]

Hedra, you came through again, clearer than I would have been. The two things I was going to add to Moxie's good advice was to not give a lot of energy to the negative, and give lots of energy to the positive. The other thing I waould do is something I learned in customer service, I actively listen and repeat back and show that I understand("oh, I understand that you would like one of those cars. They are nice and they would be fun to play with." Then say what I can do about it, ("but we're not going to buy one, we've got lots of cars at home. Shall we play cars after lunch when we get home?)sometimes this is a compromise sometimes it is arbitrary, but I think that she knows that I understood helps ease the pain.

And Hedra, my husband and I love the big three. Right now we use it to label the behaviour (she's 2.5) and as she get older we'll start asking her to diagnose the situation. It's great, it also stop the "why" ("no, we don't grab toys away from the baby." "why" "it's not respectful, we ask him to let go and give hime something els to play with." "oh")

[Rosemary]

Hedra - you rock.

We are also fans of the big three now and although we only have an eight month old, we are putting it into action. We hope to be able to be good at by the time we need it!

I don't have any experience with the 21 month old deliberate naughtiness yet, but we have been instinctively doing the no-energy-to-the-negative and lots-of-silly-mummy-and-daddy-energy-to-the-positive. For example "Woo Hoo Samuel, you just lay still and played while Mummy changed your nappy! Big Kisses, Big Rasberry!" And lots of eating of baby parts ensues to gales and gales of laughter. Even at this age, it kind of appears to be working to a point. (Generally only when he's in a teachable mood!)

Can't wait for the discussion on Hedra's big three.

[Melissa]

A good book to try is "Love and Logic" (loveandlogic.com). The ideas are good for staying in control, showing empathy and getting your kids to do what you want. The philosophy has ideas like: "You can feel free to keep all the toys you pick up." or "I charge three dollars a minute to listen to you fight. You can pay me in cash, toys or chores."

As the mother of a ten month old, I haven't had much time to work on the techniques, but I was pretty impressed with the book. Worth a read, anyway. Especially if you can find it used for a good price...

[hedra]

Glad to be useful! :)

I realized that I hadn't put in my book list...

The Pocket Parent. Quick reference for options and responses for 2-5 year olds. All positive discipline, with a little 'why your child does this' insight, in a bathroom-reading format. Small enough to keep in the glove box of the car! I give this one as a baby shower gift, because when you need it, you don't have time to get it! ;)

Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. Like the one above, it is 'aimed' for the 2+ (or even 3+) age, but I found that it gave me some insight into the reasons for the power struggles from their perspective. That helps. I didn't like the Toddlers book as much, but maybe it is because my toddlers 'weren't like that' - they were more 'simplified preschoolers', IMHO.

Anything by Elizabeth Pantley. I have Perfect Parenting, but the other ones I've flipped through are the same. A lot like the Pocket Parent, though somewhat more in-depth.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Sometimes it is just how we phrase things that sets up the battle of wills. Reflecting things back (like carabeth noted), or reframing the wording in a positive, etc., all help down the line. You may not notice much difference now, but the more you dodge the transition into 'those who always say NO to my dreams and desires', the happier you'll be later!

I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about Love and Logic. Some of the phrasing implies threats that would have terrified me. Like the 'keeping all the toys you pick up' - that would have absolutely terrified me as a child. I would have wondered if I was going to miss one, somehow, that was precious to me, and it would be gone. The implication is that my belongings aren't safe. I'm sure many kids would read it much more simply, but an emotionally mature child might well take more from that than we mean.

That's one of the things I'm integrating right now, really - that our kids often (or, usually) take more from what we teach than we intended. They are so literal, so black-and-white, that the absorption is full-pattern-to-the-end-of-the-universe, not 'just what makes sense'. They're absolutists. They take on all the negatives, and all the positives, way more than I intend. No, they don't always listen, and yes, they get distracted easily and 'forget', but when a lesson 'takes' it is all the way down to their soul. Far too often, what's 'taken' in my kids has been things I was not trying to teach - that the world is a scary place, that terrible things happen when you misbehave, etc. It only took me being right about the 'catastrophe outcome' once for my son to learn that every mistake is a horrible scary disaster that WILL be scary and awful. ("Don't spin around in the living room, you'll fall down, hit your head, and have to go to the hospital to get STITCHES." Spin, WHAM, and it took six people to hold him down while they stitched his ear back together... Okay, dramatic case of 'learning the lesson all the way down' but a good case-in-point).

I'm not saying that we need to tippie-toe as parents, either. That would be impossible, and would backfire worse. But we do need to think ahead a bit, check out the 'how would it feel to be the child if I parent this way' and also observe where things have gone in too deep, and back them back out again.

Oh, which brings me to two another book that helps (though I'm not all the way into it): Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting (the checklist in the back is probably the most important part of the book for me - and where I got the 'how would I feel as the child' self-check).

[Charisse]

I agree with much of this--you do rock, Hedra!! One thing I'll add about the no energy to the negative/lots to the positive thing is that you will be able to start to categorize prettty soon and that will help. So if he likes to knock things off shelves, then anytime he sees a shelf and doesn't do it (even if you're "helping" him by keeping him on the opposite side of you or something) you can make the opportunity to praise with "wow, great job just looking at those cars where they are--what a big boy!".

Something we're doing now (a few months later, I think we started this at 2.2 or thereabouts) is specific positive reinforcement for accepting things without a meltdown. The way we do this is with really special stickers--if she starts to freak out, we tell her that we've heard her, but she just has to do (or not do) whatever it is...then we ask if a dragonfly sticker will help. Usually she says yes and then she gets to pick it and after she's done whatever the request was (with a relatively low level of fuss) she gets the sticker and a hug. Works often...ymmv of course.

[flo]

hi dom,,,,,,,,,i am so bored anyways girls are acting older than they really are..so it is a true fact even though you might think that its not so there all you bullet heads...i think you all need to go get surgery on ur brain if you dont beleve me,,,like i mean you FERALS that is my best fren to by the way

[Donna]

I have twin grandsons one has recently been diagnosed autistic and the other developmentally slow in speech. The autistic child is a pleasure and the other is fun loving, social and extremely demanding. He demands his mother's attention all day everyday and has begun screaming at bedtime or anytime he doesn't get his way. He has also started banging his head on the floor or his crib ( at both nap and bedtime) and as of this past few days has begun to hit his mom. Help!

[Lorrie]

Thanks for writing this question. I am so frustrated with my little guy and he is not even two. I can't wait to try your advice.

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