Discussion: Backing off to let your partner in

(I apologize to single parents out there for boring you two days in a row with topics that don't apply to you. But maybe at least you can feel some schadenfreude about not having to deal with this on top of everything else about kids?)

Many of the commenters on this post about relationships changing after becoming parents mentioned that there can very easily be an imbalance in the relationship if one parent has or stakes more claim on being The One Who Knows How to Do Things.

I'm going to generalize here, so if your story doesn't fit this please don't be insulted--instead tell us how you avoided the stereotypical scenario. The story usually goes like this: The "primary caretaker" (yes, it's a dopey term, but it's what I'm coming up with right now to mean "the parent who does the most care from the start") stakes claim either on purpose or out of a sense of duty or just because to practical and emotional knowledge about the baby. Maybe she read everything she could get her hands on during pregnancy or the paper chase. Maybe she's just always the one keeping track of stuff for the couple. Maybe she's just been holding the baby for 95% of the time since birth because after all that effort to grow and birth the baby she's not letting anyone else hold him (I can relate to that!).

But for whatever reason, one parent usually ends up being the one who learns the baby faster, and combined with the fact that that parent is probably the one who's also done more research on babies and their issues, a huge knowledge imbalance develops. I wrote a post about this in June about how raising a child is such a high-stakes proposition and how that affects us emotionally (36 comments! You should read them).

So, what do you do about this? Do you just give in and go along with it? Or do you make a conscious effort to shift the balance? I'll tell you what I did, but then I really want to hear what you all did. If you're the primary caretaker, did you think about it and realize what was happening? If you're the non-primary caretaker, did you let it happen or did you try to do something about it? What would you do differently?

I knew going into having my first child that I didn't want to be the Keeper of All Knowledge about the baby. I saw the way my parents operate with us kids, and really did not want to be stuck in the same roles my parents were. And I knew it wasn't anything my parents had planned. In fact, they had gone to extreme lengths to have my dad in the room when I was born (not at all the norm yet in that part of the country when I was born), and they were fairly modern for their time. But my dad's job made enough to support us so my mom didn't go back to work, and my dad had grown up being "taken care of" (read: coddled) by his mom, so the predictable happened.

I really did not want that for my family. We did split things from the beginning. I nursed, and my husband did everything else. But as the days wore on, I could tell I was starting to feel like I was the only one who knew what to do when the baby cried, or the only right way to soothe him, etc. So I forced myself to let the baby's father be his father and make "mistakes." It was awful for me at the beginning, and the only way for me to deal with hearing the baby cry while my husband tried all sorts of things I knew weren't going to comfort the baby was to leave the apartment. It was physically painful for me to let my husband try to soothe our little guy when I knew I could do it in a snap, so I couldn't be there while it happened. I spent a lot of time wandering the aisles of the grocery store while the two guys learned each other.

It was so worth it, though. After a few weeks I could leave and not give them a second thought. Of course they'd be fine together. My husband could do the bedtime routine, so I still went to my book club and other evening outings. And then when my husband was laid off for 15 months there wasn't a huge scramble to integrate him into the family, because he'd been doing most of it all along. When our second baby was born it was much easier for both my husband and me to share him from the beginning (except for the fact that he wouldn't take a bottle, but we learned from that, too).

I do feel like there's an imbalance in our relationship with regards to a lot of the logistical stuff (sorting and sizing the clothes really kills me, for example), but my primary concern was that we be able to switch in and out with the kids. And we can and do. So I figure either the other stuff will be worked out in the next few years, or I'll somehow deal with the resentment that I'm always the one buying the birthday presents.

What did/do you do? Is it working for you? Are you the primary caretaker or the caretaker who needed more experience at the beginning? What practical advice would you give a couple that was trying to work toward achieving more equality in caring for their children (knowing that sometimes there can never be time equality because of work schedules, but you can strive for competence equality)?

Comments

[Leah]

Ooh, good topic. I've been struggling with this a bit, as since I'm the one with the boobs and our daughter hasn't really warmed up to the bottle yet (cross your fingers for us!) I am definitely the primary caretaker. My husband is great about taking her himself, but I have a really hard time with one thing.

He will let her fuss and fuss, instead of heading it off before it escalates into something worse. Then, when she is that frustrated, he will often bring her to me because "she's hungry." Even though I usually would be willing to accept that, I often have the feeling that if he had headed off the fussing ahead of time, I would have gotten a chance to get out of the shower and actually, like, brush my hair.

I shouldn't be frustrated because he's so great about everything else (even totally willing to take over a middle of the night diaper change, okay with all of the decisions I've made because I "did all the research," and has been talking up how awesome cloth diapers with his friends!), but I want him to figure things out for himself AND let me have 1/2 hour for a shower and a little self-grooming. :)

[Fahmi]

We seem to trade off on wearing the The One Who Knows All hat. We are always reading online - some overlap (like Moxie!) and some don't - so we are learning, and we share the information as we come across them. We make sure that both of us read the books and parenting magazines that we get and discuss them so we know what we found interesting, relevant, or just inapplicable. I think sharing what we read was the single most important thing we did to make sure we remained equal in what we knew, and how to handle things.

Both of us had experience with babies and children, so there wasn't any of that initial "You aren't holding him right" - because I was so tired and weak at the beginning, he did everything "better" anyway. He stays "in practice" on weekends.

Sure, I am the one that packs the diaper bag and decides what foods the baby will eat - but that's because he knows I am fussier about which clothes are in the diaper bag (Do they really have to match?) or rotating the vegetables than he is (is it okay to eat peas three days in a row?).

There's a bit of an imbalance, but that's just because I am home more. It really helps that my son prefers his father's presence when his father is home, so daddy has to be aware of what's going on. (I am not sure how we accomplished that).

[Cat, Galloping]

oh man, i have *got* to do a post on this topic. my husband and i both work full time, earning similar salaries, and i'd say we take equal care of the baby. but when the nanny is out(see today's post), it is almost always my problem to figure out a solution. and if we get a new nanny, it will be my job to find her. and though we both agree the kid needs to get out of the house more, it's my job to find options to do this. he does a lot of the physical stuff around the house, though, the cleaning, the installing of baby gates, etc., so maybe this is just a fair division of labor?

[Jennifer]

Initially I had a lengthy maternity leave and was home with our daughter for 5 months--and then spent another 3 months working 50% time. That meant that I was the one who FIRST seemed to have all of the knowledge and baby skills. When I went back to work 50% time, my husband starting staying home 50% time and everything really started to equalize (though, as Fahmi mentioned above, I'm more concerned with matching clothes etc. so am often in charge of morning logistics like diaper bags and laying out meals--not because my husband won't do it, but because I want the pink sweater and not the royal blue one, etc. Hey--If I'm not back up to my pre-baby style, at least she can be dressed snappily!)

Now, we're ostensibly both working full time, but are lucky in that my husband and I both have somewhat flexible schedules--we're both on faculty at a university. This means that each of us tries to work at home some, work at night some, and spend a morning/afternoon or two with the baby (we have a shared nanny 3 days a week). It was really hard at first for me to admit that my husband had figured out something that I didn't know. It seemed like I was somehow a bad mom because I hadn't done the legwork to figure it out and had "delegated."

Now I realize what a relief it is to have someone else trying to figure out what the heck is going on and not feeling like everything is up to me! The other HUGE bonus is, as Moxie says, my husband can totally step in if I want to go do something with girlfriends, etc. No fuss from baby at all. And, if you need another sales pitch with your partner, you'd just never believe how tightly he has bonded with our daughter. They're just adorable together.

The thing is that I realize that we're really lucky to have this flexibility in our schedules. This is my new high-horse: What's wrong with our "family friendly" society that we don't want to build strong families by encouraging flex time and part time work for BOTH partners???

[Vanessa]

Neither of us had any experience with babies when my daughter was born - I told my husband that I was not the expert and he shouldn't expect me to be. I do like to research though, while my husband generally will read baby-related things only if I've done the grunt work and have determined it's particularly relevant. This has worked out into a good partnership - I do the research, cooking, shopping and scheduling, and he makes sure the diaper bag is packed and we have clean clothes and dishes and babysitters (we use his parents). We share or switch off hands-on tasks like bath, potty, dressing and bedtime.

I'm hoping this will make it easier for us when baby #2 arrives this winter. There may be a change in the dynamic while I'm on maternity leave, but I hope we can keep it going.

[Moxie]

Cat, if it bugs you, then I wouldn't say it's "fair." "Equal," maybe, but not fair. It sounds like something you guys should sit down and talk about.

Leah, maybe this is one of those situations in which you can make a suggestion like, "I've noticed that if she starts fussing I can get her to stop by doing XYZ so she never makes it to a full cry." And make it clear that you are just not available for however many minutes you need, unless the house is burning down.

[joline]

There were so many things I wanted to do from the beginning to involve my dh. I am not sure exactly what caused us to slack off in that regards but we did fall into the predictable pattern. For a while there my dh jokingly referred to me as "The Food" because my oldest son just wouldnt have anything to do with someone who didnt have breasts for more than a short while.
I did take little short breaks to get out of the house so they could spend some time alone together. But to be honest, those moments when dad is trying to soothe, I know what would work and baby is crying. Neither of us were willing just to push through it. He wanted to give up just as much as I wanted to take over.
That said when my oldest son was 16 months old we had twins. It was at that point when my husband really had to start participating as a full partner in the parenting (and not just the occasional diaper and lots of play) He had to do the bedtime routine with our oldest. He had to comfort him for his middle of the night wakings. He HAD to do his share of diaper changes. He also had to do all the cooking.
He is a very involved father but I wouldnt say that we parent equally, and after our twins were born I never ever left him alone wiht all three kids for a very long time. In fact if he did need to take care of them all without me he took them to his mom's house for help.
I guess the thing is. I couldnt possibly step into his office and do what he does all day long. I wouldn't last a second. I couldnt even find my own career to fulfill the finacial needs of our family in a equivalent way. So why would I expect him to have all the knowledge and skills I have? Heck I dont WANT him to I guess. I want him to be competent enough to cover for me for several hours. I want him to have a close relationship with the kids, but there is something I kind of enjoy about being completely indespensible.
(not that a parent who fully shares duties IS despensible of course, emotionally no parent is)

[deezydubya]

It was really hard to do. I was home for the first 6 months. DH DEMANDED that he be allowed to do more things with the kid. When he came home he automatically took over - feeding, diaper, bed. (I bottle-fed for reasons I won't get into. I admit, this makes it a lot easier to hand responsibility over to Dad.)

I didn't think I had a problem with this - he was very involved, he liked being involved - and then I went back to work and Dad stayed home.

One of the things DH would then do that drove me MENTAL was not get either him or the kid dressed all day.

Oh, he'd change Kiddo if he spit up or had a dirty diaper or leakage problem. But if I put a sleeper on the kid the night before 9 days out of 10 he'd have the same sleeper on when I got home. And Dad'd have on his pyjama bottoms. AAUGH!

Don't ask me why this bugged me so much. To this day I have no idea. But it drove me nuts.

Finally, I had to say "Serenity Now!" and just let it go. Kiddo got changed if he was dirty. I changed the sleeper every night. Really, it did save on laundry. I think I just liked to dress him up because he's my first and I wanted to put cute outfits on him as compensation for being screamed at in the middle of the night. But Dad didn't, and it's his prerogative, because he's home. I just had to let it go.

(The pyjama thing is a whole other issue. It predates the baby. It's his version of boxer shorts and a dirty wife-beater. If I haven't been able to break him of it in 9 years I'm not likely to be able to do it in the next 9.)

(Not that I'm bitter or anything!)

[Phc]

This is such a tough one. I swore before the baby came that I wouldn't be one of those women who was constantly telling her husband how to do things. It was only one of many, many times so far I've had to eat my words.

For me, it was a good balance at first, when he was home from work. But then he went back to work and was only home about three of her waking hours per day, so of course I started to feel like the expert. Of course the baby wanted me more. Of course I could do it all easier.

But now that he is back on paternity leave, it's evened out again. We'll have to work harder at it all once he goes back to work (but we will also have help then, so it's going to be different all around).

But paternity leave? Should be MANDATED by the state. I swear, it is the best thing that has happened to our family.

[erika]

I definitely fall into the role of the the One Who Knows How To Do Things. Having our daughter threw me for a total loop and it threw our relationship into a whirlwind. Until I had to go back to work and he was home for the summer before his PhD program started. It was so hard to just let the little things go. He fed her peas for two days in a row! Her clothes didn't match! But she was happy and he was happy and they learned so much from each other. I agree with Phc: mandatory paternity leave. It's still a struggle for me to let him do things, but she adores him and they have their own unique routine.

[Kelly]

When we finally got ours home (3m in the NICU) he was a very high-maintenance baby (for 3 months straight he ate every hour, on the hour) so we took shifts. I made it clear to him that I worked during the day (SAHM is still work!) as much as he did (if not more, cause I don't leave work) and he'd have to share the home work too (baby care). We traded off night-duty (lifesaver!) and he's always been great about doing certain things. When it came to screaming and not telling him how to fix things, I'd let it go for a while (screaming in my head for it to stop) then let him know what had worked for me in the past or what I thought might be the problem, then I walked away. Hubby's great about helping though. The instant he gets home he's on kid-duty while I cook/clean up. Weekends are 60/40 of his/my child-caring too. He does the bathing (I dry off and dress), he never complains when I have a stinky baby bum waiting for him when he gets home, he picks out clothes (which, when kidlet was small *always* matched and now...not so much). Every few days he'll put *all* the kid's toys away without me asking (though mostly because it irritates him to have a disaster-zone whereas I'm numb to it). When the next one comes along (on the way) I'm confident he'll take over most of the toddler-care to give me time with the baby, and then we'll even things out as they are now.

[Carla Hinkle]

I may be plagiarizing from this very blog but I remember a comment/post from someone that stuck with me a year or so ago -- something to the effect that sometimes, when it comes to babies and division of family labor, each person feels like they are getting the short end of the stick. But to remember that at times, THERE IS NO LONG END. Which helps me chill out enormously.

Anyway, my husband and I have a fairly traditional division of labor. Actually, much of it suits me just fine -- I enjoy cooking and keeping the house looking nice and dressing our daughter, etc, while I have NO interest in being the Money Manager (which he is). I do know much more about the kid stuff than him, but now that our daughter is 2.5, that matters much less. In the first 6-9 months, when I was breastfeeding (and she was a very reluctant girl at taking any bottles), I was much, much more the Keeper of All Baby Info. It used to bother me a TON. But there is just less to know about a kid and we can switch off pretty easily now. We are having #2 in January, andI am not so worried this time about being the Head Baby Keeper for a while b/c I know that when the baby turns into a kid, things start to equalize, at least for us.

Maybe since I have never worked more than part-time since our daughter was born, the traditional system works well for us without me feeling either (a) isolated or (b) resentful. Since January I work at home freelance and it has been much less time (and, ha ha, money!) than the 3 days I used to go to an office, but we have had the luxury of keeping a babysitter 2 full days per week. This has made an ENORMOUS difference. I don't get resentful when he comes home from work after a 12 hour day and flops on the sofa, while I'm scurrying around feeding and bathing the 2 year old, when I've had a day to slowly catch up on paperwork, have lunch with girlfriends, and get a pedicure. :-)

And I try to schedule the occasional (I try to make it monthly) Financial Sit-Down so I can (a) understand what is going on money-wise, and (b) appreciate all the time/thought he puts into earning, investing, and thinking about where our money should go outside of working hours.

A long and rambling way of saying we are pretty traditional but it works!

[Maureen]

I thought this posting was interesting also... I have twin toddler boys and I have to say having twins, while tough, almost necessitates both parents being much more hands on than having a singleton. My husband is an amazing dad and I know so much more hands on that most. In fact, early on he was much more confident and able to take on both babies by himself while I was a nervous wreck when I was on "solo duty". I think one of the best ways to make another parent more involved is to take a weekend off and have him/her do solo duty for the whole weekend (or start with one full day at the minimum). A couple hours break really doesn't count in terms of creating a more "even" balance as then the primary parent will most likely get everything ready for their break so it isn't a fair representation of truly the whole experience. While I know my husband does things very differently from me, I think there is a nice balance in that he's going to allow the kids to cry more (which is sometimes a good thing), explore more, etc. than I would. Also, I think by nature, the typical woman is more of a planner and even without kids, the wife would be the one doing the holiday cards, setting up the activities, etc., so it is not too surprising that they are the ones doing this with the kids as well...

[Niki]

Our arrangement is incredibly traditional in that I am master of almost all things baby because I am home full-time with my son. But though I wouldn't consider myself a Leave It To Beaver traditionalist -it really works for us and I dread the time when it will have to change. We both know who is in charge of what and that we can ask the other for help if we need it. There is no confusion or resentment just the occasional tiring of tasks which would happen regardless of the arrangements made. Even eating chocolate ice cream every day gets old.

But a couples arrangement can only be considered successful if both parties and the progeny are benefiting from it and happy. And even then you have to shake it up occasionally.

[cori]

We have a very equal set-up. Part is luck, part is circumstance, and part is sheer cussedness on my part. The luck is his personality and feminist philosophy; circumstance is that he has an older child with his first wife and thus I considered him more experienced than I; and cussedness is that I didn't see any reason why I should be the one doing everything and flat out refused to do it. I never had to "just leave them together for a day" to reinforce his competence as a parent but I feel totally comfortable doing it when I have had to for work or other reasons. And, for the record, I nursed both kids. It's not impossible for the Not Magic Boobs person to be just as bonded and involved as the Possesser of Same.

We both work outside the home, and we now have two kids together so there's a lot of work. Also, with two, there's a lot of "You take one, I'll take the other" that varies based on which child is pushing whose buttons harder.

We also split up nights along these lines: I suck at staying up late; he doesn't get going until after ten pm. So I go to bed as soon as I can and he deals with all wake-ups until about 4 am. I am an early bird while he is unconscious until the first cup of coffee around ten, so I get the 4-7am night-time shift, plus make lunches, get them dressed and fed. He does the same on the dinner/bath end while I am fading fast.

If you really want a more equitable *for you* situation, you need to expect nothing less from your partner.

[Rosemary Grace]

I don't have kids yet, all I have to worry about is "fairness" in managing household chores and looking after the cats. But I am struck by a suggestion to help in the sorting of clothes. I already do this because I'm the only one who knows which of my clothes can go in the dryer. Stuff to be hang-dried goes in a big mesh laundry bag, so when switching the wash from machine to machine, all I or my husband needs is to pull out the laundry bag and hang those ones up.

So. How about a different colour laundry bag for each boy? The dirties go in there, get washed and dried in there, then no sorting, only putting away. You can do this for the whites loads too, those bags come in pale colours that won't run.

Sort of off-topic, but might be helpful!

[Kate]

I had all these plans when I was pregnant for how to encourage my husband to become a "fair share" parent.

Hahahahahahaha....

What actually happened is that we had a son who is so high need that one person would have probably collapsed trying to do it all alone. Worked like a charm, incidentally, but I wouldn't really recommend it.

[Shandra]

This is such an excellent topic. :) For us we are always pushing against the gender roles, my tendency to gatekeep, the economic/career reality that it's made more sense for me to go part time, and my husband's workaholism.

The practical things that helped/help me are:

1) Really really committing to the idea that a good parent reinforces the relationship with the other parent too. But that the onus is not all on me to do that ('cause that would be backwards thinking).

2) My husband was willing to push back at key moments like "go to bed! I'm handling it!" Men have to take responsibility too, for not walking away even if their wife is trying to make out like she HAS to do something.

3) Get out. Or close the door. Or put on headphones. Anything so long as it leaves the less-primary caregiver as primary. They will figure it out. They need the time and space to make the mistakes to figure it out.

4) Get in the habit of having regular time that one person's lead baby person. Like some people above we have a loose morning person and evening person.

5) My own secret trick: I signed Noah up for parent-tot swim on Saturday mornings and sent him off with his dad. They got to work out whatever and I got time in the house alone (whee!). The big thing about being out in public alone together was that it made my husband feel his competence.

And yes, 6) my husband took 4 weeks vacation when the baby was born so we were newbies together.

The one area we don't have it worked out is food - maybe 'cause of breastfeeding and because I generally cook, food's remained my domain. But as we get past the "but he hasn't had soy yet!" stage that will hopefully change.

[sally]

Well, I'm a mediocre mother. I never liked nursing so I pumped, so my husband did a lot of the feedings. I'm always the one trying to get out of going to the pediatrician. I'm always the one trying to hire the babysitters when we go on vacation. Still I'm the mom so I do know a lot and I work in healthcare so I'm often on the hook for health issues. My husband is a more than equal partner since I try to shirk as many duties as possible. I do think that in another time, and definitely in other countries I would be considered normal, but in uberparenting America, I'm weird. I have a great husband and my child has one great parent and one acceptable parent. I also never thought I would be the allknowing parent. I never wanted that, ever. It sounds like a nightmare.

[cagey]

I was JUST discussing this with a friend earlier this week. I stay home full-time, I am breastfeeding AND I tend to be someone who likes to read and research topics to get ideas on how to approach different things (read: Not ANSWERS, but rather Ideas! Big difference). The result is that I do have a lot more knowledge/opinions/ideas regarding our son.

The first thing I learned, is not to bring up my ideas/opinions in the middle of what is actually happening, while it is GOING ON. So, I try very hard to let my husband do what he thinks is best at the actual moment. Then, later, I will bring up the topic for discussion. I try really hard to do it this way because I have a tendency to be bossy and opinionated and I know that my husband will turn a deaf ear my way otherwise. I also try to bring up things BEFORE they happen and try to work out a compromise ahead of time. Example? Crying. We discussed how long we are okay with our son crying before going to pick him up out of the crib - my husband wants to pick him up right away and I would rather let him fuss for 15-30 minutes. We came to an agreement about the length of time we are BOTH okay with. No way, no HOW is this something that should be discussed while our son is actually crying. Been there, done THAT and it got us nothing but a Heated Arguement.

The other thing I do is when we are out with friends and their children, I will bring up things later as examples for what I would like to do/like NOT to do. Having real life examples helps for us to start determining our parenting philosophy. Toddlerhood is just around the corner. Yikes.

[Dani]

"What actually happened is that we had a son who is so high need that one person would have probably collapsed trying to do it all alone."

Yeah, what Kate said. That's exactly how it happened for us. Not that I wasn't planning to implement all sorts of Clever Systems. But who knows how well that would have worked, especially with me being such a control freak and the one who was staying home? No, the Very Angry Baby solved this dilemma for us very nicely. I think I've said it on here before, actually, but after all that screaming all day long, the only thing I wanted to do when my husband came home from work was hand her the hell over. In the moment, I didn't really give a damn if he was competent. And you know, it turned out he was.

(My secret hope is that if I show my appreciation for the silver linings of high needs babies enough, then my next one- due in a few weeks- will be more in the normal zone.)

[Num Num]

From the grammy gallery: This is what many grandparents need to train themselves to do: let your kids make their own mistakes. I kept repeating to myself: boy did I make mistakes and he turned out all right. And I had made many, many mistakes. I'm really excited that you see this as the essential key that it is.
(Of course, I've always said that if either of my kids or any of my friends are heading straight into a Mack truck, I reserve the right to pull them back, and I get to decide what's a Mack truck.)

[Julia]

We had a combo platter of factors that led to my husband probably being the more involved parent.

First, he has older kids. And when his oldest was 18 months old, his twins were born, so he had no choice but to be involved. So, when our boy was born, he thought it was just so damn easy to only have one, that it was no big thing for him.

Also a big factor was that my husband had surgery when the baby was three months old, and has worked 7-3 since then (part-time, considering he used to work 7-8 or so). I own my own business, and I take the baby to work with me in the morning, and around 3 bring him home to his daddy. I go back to work, coming home about 6, nurse and feed dinner, and hand him over. Daddy is totally in charge of the evening routine.

Basically, husband gets the boy out of bed, I nurse/feed him breakfast, while I shower husband gets him dressed and ready for the day. I take baby to work with me, he takes his morning nap at the store, eats a few times while he's there, around three he comes home, and Dad takes over again. A few weeks ago, I realized that I hadn't been in the baby's room for almost a week.

[Linda]

Ditto to those who say fathers of multiples have no choice. My husband took 5 weeks off of work and we did everything together (except breastfeeding) around the clock. I went back to work at 12 weeks and then he was on his own Friday night while I worked, Saturday while I slept, Saturday night while I worked and most of Sunday while I slept again. I think it was harder for him because at least I had breaks in my caretaking when he got home every evening. He had to go almost 48 hours without a break. He learned how to do everything without me looking over his shoulder. It was perfect for us. I could sympathize over the phone and offer suggestions if he asked, but I couldn't DO anything. It's similar to how Moxie left her apartment.

He still doesn't always do what I would do. I usually pack the diaper bag and match the clothes. Sometimes, if we're both home, I'll notice it's almost lunchtime and he shows no inclination to start making food. We're a little unequitable in that way. And since I'm home during the week, I do the doctor's appts, too. But overall, I'd say we're very fair in terms of childcare.

[erin]

And now for a queer perspective...

(I apologize if i missed a queer parent in the previous comments, but I am pretty sure I didn't see one..)

As the non-bio stay-at-home momma to our 8.5 month old daughter, I've had this issue on the radar from well before she was born. My wife, who had a better job, insurance, and a lesser drive to be the stay-at-home parent,also had NO childcaring experience. I had been a nanny and was comfortable with little ones. It made sense that I would stay at home (my dream job, by the way!)BUT it wasn't that easy. She was anxious about being relegated to the "dad" role (her idea, not mine) so we were really conscious of sharing our daughter's care. (Which is so funny to me, since my Dad was easily as nurturing and caring as my Mom, and as we grew up, was actually closer to us than my Mom was.) Anyhoo, my wife had 3 months off for maternity leave, and I quit my job as soon as the baby was born, so we had a lot of time to learn about our baby as a team, with not a lot of pressure. Since it was important for both of us to figure out how to comfort her neither of us became the chief comforter or expert. We split everything but breastfeeding from the get go.

Now that I've been at home for five months, our problems revolve more around expectations of roles than anything else. It's normal for an infant to show preferenece for the primary caregiving parent at some point. (And oh how I wish it wasn't!) I fear this occurence so much that I have undertaken a not-so-secret campaign to make sure that our daughter and my wife spend as much "bonding" time together as possible. On the weekends my wife takes over "night-night" duties, and I make sure that I hand her off as much as possible. My wife reports that she notices a diference between our daughter's preferences at the beginning of the weekend and the end- at the beginng she wants me, and that the end she shows no preference. Do we still have to tackle the "i don't want to be her "Dad", I am her mommy!" question? Sure, but we talk about it and I am always trying to mitigate it, whether or not my efforts are effective.

It's a constant pressure on me, and sometimes I wish we had those gender roles to fall back on. After all, it's easier when someone else tells you what to do than figuring out what is best for your family on your own. But isn't that what it's all about? :)

A side note- we have become (reluctant!!!) co-sleepers. I think it has made a difference in how we feel about the balance of parenting duties. Although it changed week to week who was "up more" with our baby before co-sleeping, the decision to let this little booger into our bed was absolutely mutual, and has strengthened us as a couple and as parents- we both feel like we are doing what is best for her and best for us. and we get to sleep/rest more. neat!

[hedra]

When we started out, my DH had all the 'baby skills' (from babysitting his nieces during college), and I had NONE. And yet, I still felt like I was learning faster, knew more, etc.

But all along, we'd planned for him to be the SAHD, and me to return to work at the end of matenity leave (10 weeks, sigh). So as maternity leave neared the end, I pulled back and let him take more space, learn the ropes, etc.

I did it badly, too. I told him how to do things, and then waited for him to do them the way I said. He (wisely) did not. He did them HIS way. I can still remember standing at the edge of the living room, watching him 'comfort' Gabe as he got angry over his toy gym not doing what he wanted. I knew that he would get frustrated, and start screaming, and would only be happy once he was no longer trapped under the toys-that-don't-play-right. I watched, feeling smug, knowing that DH was about to learn that I was RIGHT, dammit, and he couldn't just expect to do things his way and have it work. So there Gabe was, fussing away, and there DH was, commiserating, commenting, patting his tummy, scolding the toys. It escalated. I clenched my teeth and refused to budge. DH was going to be home all day with him, he NEEDED to learn this. And then... it stopped. Gabe stopped crying. He sighed. He stared at those dang toys, and he concentrated hard, and he pushed them together the way he wanted them to go, and he DID IT. And I stood there, awash in horror. I'd been WRONG. And I'd been teaching my son that when things are 'too hard' mommy will take away the challenge and you don't have to try anymore. And DH was there, teaching him that when things are tough, you cheer each other on, and you grouse and complain, but then you give it another go. I was mortified. And I learned. We're two parents. We bring different things to parenting. That's good.

Things really are different for the working parent. I found that after a few months passed, I couldn't keep up with the changes in cries and cues. I had to ask my DH what Gabe needed, I couldn't 'read' him as well. It became clear that neither of us had a lock on 'ability' or 'skill' - it was whoever did the duty most had the skill, just like with any task. Having backed off to let him take full charge of the days, it was more obvious where the boundaries were. We lreaned that we had to coach each other in 'what worked when we did it' but never assume that it would work for the other - that was just idea fodder, not answers.

With our second, DH was finishing up his thesis year for his professional degree, so I was the main care provider for all 'off times' (we were both working, plus he was in school, so it was largely mommy mommy mommy), but we carried those lessons forward. Have to be clear about what helps, and never expect the other to be able to do things the same way. Results count. Methods also count, but more in philosophy than in details (that is, we do positive discipline and focus on child's developmental and emotional needs, but use a sling or a backpack, whatever!).

With the twins after that, we divided strongly along 'older kids' (him) and 'babies' (me), because of the lactation issue. But it was again essential that he be ABLE (and supported) regarding their care. By then we also knew that babies are different, they change a lot, and the only one(s) who know what will work at any time, phase, age, etc., is the baby in question. And sometimes even *they* don't know what they need. It gives us some humility, and that goes a long way toward us leaving each other plenty of elbow room, and not taking any 'educational attempts or idea-offers' personally.