Q&A: older child hurting a baby

Brandi writes:

"I would like to know if you have heard of older children (6-8 years) scratching infants for no reason?  There is this girl in my neighborhood who came over last week and left deep scratches on my daughter's arms and legs.  I don't know what steps I should take in "disciplining" the girl, but I am very very very upset and confused.  Can you please provide so insight on what possibly could have prompted her to do so and what should my husband and I do as angry parents?"

Wow. I think I'd be completely shocked and livid if that happened to my baby. A child that age should absolutely know better than to hurt a baby.

I'm not a development or psychological expert, so there may be something going on here that I'm not even considering. But the first thing that occurs to me is that the little girl may be jealous of the baby and may be trying to hurt her. If the girl spent time with you and your husband in the past and felt like you had a special interest in her, then she may be very jealous of the baby for taking your time and affection. She should know better than to hurt the baby, but the jealousy would explain why she did it.

The other thing that occurs to me is something that I hope isn't the case, which is that the girl herself might be a victim of physical abuse. Kids who grow up being hurt don't know that it's not normal until they're older (and some of them never realize it isn't normal, which is why they pass it on to their own kids). So if she gets hit or scratched, she may think it's a normal way to interact with a baby.

In this situation I think I'd take photos of the scratches to make sure I had a record of them. Then I'd call the girl's parents and discuss with them what happened and make sure they know how upset you are, but in a non-confrontational way. Let them discipline the girl. (I think an exception to this would be if you think the girl herself may be a victim of abuse. In that case, I'd call a social worker to get ideas about how best to proceed with this. If the girl is being abused by her family you can get them all some help, which will help your situation as well.) In the meantime, she shouldn't come over to see the baby until you're sure she's not going to hurt the baby again, which may mean she can't come over for months or years.

I'm very sorry this happened to your daughter, and I hope you can come to some kind of resolution with the girl and her family.

Comments

[Louise]

Wow- I agree- that is perfectly awful. Not just scratches, which is awful enough- but DEEP scratches? I hate confrontations, but I would be down the street in a minute to speak with this family.

My best wishes to Brandi in this situation.

[Mary]

Was the girl left alone with the baby? How old is the baby?

[wookie]

Erg.
Unless you know the parents well, or know someone who knows them well and really *don't* think the older girl is being abused, or there's some other extenuating circumstance (like the girl has a crush on you or something), I'd approach a social worker first. That's a hugemungous red-flag.

[graygirl]

I realize the situation is different when the two children involved are siblings, but I have a friend whose older child could not be left alone with his baby brother for the first 18 months of the baby's life. The older boy would hit, scratch, bite, and push the baby whenever he could--and I know physical abuse by the parents was not part of the picture. This was simply the older child's extreme, and inappropriate, response to his jealousy over accepting a new sibling in the house.

[joline]

I would definitely talk to the parents. And I would take steps to make sure the child doesnt have access to the baby any more.
I dont really think that a single incidence of violence in a child is a 'red flag' for anything. And I would be loathe to consult the authorities based on a single incident of agressive behavior in a child.
Yes she should have known better. NO doubt. Yes you should let her parents know and make sure it never happens again. But kids do odd and bizarre and irrational things sometimes. Not every act of agression by children is an imitation of abuse done to them.
When my nephew was this age he used to line snails up on a low wall and assault them with a sword. I was astonished and I thought we had a future serial killer on our hands. Rather he is currently a very successful medical student.
Not that hurting a baby isnt way worse than snails. But sometimes kids do things without knowing why, or having a "good reason".

[rachel]

One other thought - is the child "difficult" or "troubled" or any one of those words that means the child has some emotional/neurological/behavioral issue?

In my experience, kids with those disorders can take a normal baby behavior (like accidental hair pulling, accidental punching when baby waves hands, etc) and think it was intentional, and hurt the baby back.

I'm not sure about approaching the parents. I'd be more watchful when the child visits in the future, though. It may have been an isolated incident, it may be a sign of something else. No way of knowing with it happening once.

[Spacemom]

Sometimes, older kids will experiment to get attention. I wonder if the child was upset at all of the attention the baby was getting.

Also, she might have been "experimenting". How would the baby react if she scratched her? Also, deep scratches doesn't mean the child understood how hard she was pressing on the baby.

I would simply talk to the parents about it. They should be aware, but not make that big of a deal about it