Q&A: balancing in-law demands

Jeanne writes:

"I have a question about in-laws.  Not only do I have them, but they want to be involved in everything!  My husbands father passed away when he was very young, so his family is small, consisting of only him, his sister and his mother.  When my husband and I first met, we hung around a lot with his sister and her boyfriend.  My MIL was around for everything.  She is single and lonely, so this didn't seem wrong, just different.  We'd have dinner with her, I'd go shopping with her and all sorts of things.  It didn't strike me as odd, since I am so close with my mother.  The difference is that my mother has my dad and they don't NEED me the way I feel my MIL needs us.

So, my husband and I moved 300 miles away, so the distance has helped give us some privacy.  All was working out fine but then, my SIL called us one night when my husband and I were tending to our newborn child.  She was 4 months pregnant and just discovered that her husband had been cheating on her for a year.  This was so terrible, and seeing as I had a baby I felt even worse for her because I understood how important a partner is for this job.  We dropped everything and drove to be with her for a few days to offer any type of support we could.  We made this drive many times over the next 1.5 years while they reconciled and broke up many times.  We always went out of our way to offer support to my SIL and MIL.  They have finally called it quits and everyone is better off.

Here is the tricky part.  Both my MIL and SIL are lonely single women now. My nephew and son and 4 months apart, which is great for them to play and such.  Now it seem that every holiday, every vacation and every special occasion will be spent with them.  Neither my husband nor I want this.  We want Christmas in our own home with our three kids, we want vacations on our own.  The worse part is that it is just assumed we are going up there for Christmas and it is only July!  They are already planning it.

How do deal with this without looking like a heartless bitch?  I want to spend some holidays with them, just not all of them."

The obvious solution is to get on match.com and find new partners for both SIL and MIL so they have something else to do with their time and don't want to spend so much with you.

OK, I'm 98% kidding about that. Well, maybe 95%.

I think you and your husband need to figure out if you want to be able to spend time alone as a family while still keeping MIL/SIL thinking you're hanging out with them, or whether you need for them to know and accept that you need your space. Either option is valid and justified, but you have to know which one is important for you emotionally so that you can decide how to proceed.

If you need for them to know that you don't want to spend every holiday with them, you're going to have to sit down and have A Talk of some sort. It may not have to be one in which you tell them that it's important to you not to spend every holiday with them, unless you need for them to know that. It could just be a talk in which you tell them that you're going to have your own little family Christmas this year so that the kids can wake up on Christmas morning in their own beds, etc.

Whatever you tell them, it's going to make everything easier if you have a definite plan to spend time with them at some other time. So, for example, at the same time you're telling them you're not coming for Christmas, you should be making plans for Thanksgiving or New Year's Day. That way they know you're not pulling away from them completely, and they know they'll definitely see you over the holidays, so it may be slightly easier for them to accept not having you there for Christmas Day.

If you don't need for MIL/SIL to recognize that you're not spending every holiday with them, you can do a gradual weaning process. The first step is to wean them from having every holiday hosted by them in their town. Claim Christmas or another holiday as yours right now, and invite them to come to you. If they object or give you any version of "but we've always had it here" you can respond that as the family is growing you want to create some new traditions, and you also want to take your fair share of the responsiblity, and not make MIL do so much work. Somewhere in there they should give in and agree to do the holiday at your house.

The next step is to mix in a holiday every once in awhile that you spend at your family's house instead of with your ILs. Once you've broken them of the idea that all holidays must be celebrated in the same way at the same location, you can miss one occasionally to be with your parents. There's no way they can argue (without looking petty) that your son doesn't need to spend time with his other grandparents.

Have you already planned a vacation for this summer for just your little family? If you have not, do so now. Even if it's only for 2 days to someplace boring. Do it, and then tell your MIL/SIL about it, and do not invite them. Tell them you "can't wait to show them the pictures" and that you'll send them a postcard. In short, act as if it's the most normal thing in the world to go on vacation without them, because it is. (If you really think they'll try to horn in on the trip, wait until it's too expensive for them to go, and then pretend that you and your husband each thought the other one had told them about the trip earlier.)

If you can get a kind of centrifugal force going of shifting the location of holidays away from their home area, going to your family every once in awhile, and taking separate vacations sometimes, you will be able to break the forcefield that's keeping you at your ILs' all the time. As long as you spend enough time with them to keep them reassured that you love and care for them, they shouldn't respond so negatively that you have to confront the issue directly.

I hope this isn't such an issue for long. It would be so nice for them if your MIL and SIL started making new lives for themselves so they could be a little less emotionally dependent on you.

Comments

[Ami]

BOUNDARIES!! Set boundaries that you know are correct and will work for you and your family. Expect others to abide by them. If your mother in law is mad or upset, that's too bad, but you're not responsible for how she chooses to feel. It's not healthy for her to be dependent on your family, and can be construed as co-dependent if you can't plan your own holidays and life without worrying about what she will think. You don't have to be mean, or say hurtful things. Being polite but firm is all that's required of you. One caveat, however. Make sure you and your husband are in agreement beforehand, and that he will be as firm as you are and not cave because he's worried about hurting feelings.

[Cat]

My family is also just three. My single sister, single mother and myself. My husband and I also struggle with the vacation problem with them. In the end I realized that its just kind of sad. Single people don't get to pick their own holidays like families and couples do. Its really one of the worst things about being single. My family often share their holiday dreams with us, hoping that we will make it happen for them or go with them. I wish we could. I never considered inviting them to everything but that doesn't mean I don't feel really, well, sad about it.

[joline]

I would seriously sit down with your dh and try to work out what you DO want and not just go with what you dont want. It will make it that much easier to compromise to make sure everybody's needs get met.
300 miles is a LONG drive with three kids, and since your SIL and MIL are both single it only makes sense that they are the ones to make the drive once in a while.
As for holidays. That is a tough one. FOr some people holidays MEAN family. I mean I can completely understand why they couldnt possibly fathom a holiday without you. It would almost be like the holiday didnt happen at all. BUT you have a right to have your needs met too.
You didnt mention any conflicts with having holidays with your family (which is usually the source of this kind of tension, both sides competing for Christmas day) but having family holidays in your home would really cut down on travel and lessen your commitment to spending time with them.
Consider starting a new family tradition.
After my DH and I got married we really wanted to host Christmas in our own home, but his mother refused to come. (although she did drive the 35 miles to bring green bean casserole and then went home)
Another thing is to create a tradition where there are specific holidays or years when it is understood that you will spend together and others you wont.
My husband is exceptionally close to his mom in a very similar way, he was her best friend I think before we got married. And the first year we had to have THanksgiving at my family's house they insisted on having THanksgiving dinner on Friday so that we could be there. Now it is understood that we will alternate years.
For Christmas we have always had Christmas eve at my parents house and slept in our own bed, had Christmas morning at home and Christmas dinner at my in laws. We get to have what we want (The kids waking up in their own home Christmas morning) and everybody gets to have the big holiday get togethers. (Of course this wouldnt work 300 miles away but the gist is that there may be ways to work it out so everybody is happy)
As for vacations, unlike holidays, there is no date marked on their calendar as to when your vacations are coming. You might want to arrange some type of vacation with them occasionally, but just not sharing your vacation plans with them in advance should be enough to solve this problem.
GOod Luck

[Meira]

I agree with Cat . . . it is sad. (No judgement implied!) I suspect the MIL & SIL would like a sort-of communal experience, like they describe in the "old days" where multiple generations & singles lived together. It's funny-- I would be ok with doing the communal with my MIL, but trying to include spouse's dad's side of the family is just too much-- I don't even consider them. Thankfully, there are a billion of them who have each other, so they don't notice much. And my own family is not very close . . . so in some ways, my MIL is the only one we have as well.

[Num Num]

As a single mil, I've learned to wait until I'm invited. The only rule I make because of mistakes in the past is to ask them to let me know what they're doing in time for me to make my own plans. My son and dil are so mindful of my needs and wants, that I would feel ungrateful to put extra demands on them. I know I'm lucky, but what I'm trying to say is if you are given attention at informal times, you might not need it so much on holidays and vacations.

[single]

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