Q&A: baby won't go down awake for naps

Amanda writes:

"Can you please give advice as to what to do? My little boy is 18 weeks old and will only fall asleep if held/nursed or pushed in his pram. If I try to put him down awake in his cot and sit with him to go to sleep he starts to scream and will eventually get into a state of some distress. I can not bear to see him cry in such a way. Can you please give me advice as to what steps I can take to learn him to self soothe without causing him any distress. Any help would be very much appreciated."

I really hate this idea that a baby should be able to go down in a crib awake and fall asleep on his/her own at only a few months old. I think it's highly unrealistic and causes a ton of stress for parents who think there's something wrong with them because their baby just won't do it.  Of course there are going to be some babies who will be able to go down awake and put themselves to sleep from Day 1 (or a couple weeks old), but most kids really have to be taught how to go to sleep.

It seems to me that it helps to figure out exactly what your sleep goal is for your child. If your goal is to get your child to go to sleep without intervention from you at the youngest age possible, then it might be worth it to you to aggressively pursue training your child to go to sleep from an awake state, no matter how long it takes. If your goal is to condition your child to associate falling asleep with positive, stress-free time so that they'll fall asleep easily under various conditions for the rest of their life, then pushing your child to learn to self-soothe before the child is ready to is going to be counter-productive ultimately.

The advice some experts give that kids "have" to be be able to go down awake and get themselves to sleep by a certain age or they'll never do it is simply wrong and IMO is a scare tactic. Experts who can create fear and feelings of inadequacy in the people who read their books will get followers who buy more books and try even harder to live up to the experts' dogma. But think about it: Do you know anyone who needs her mother to come over and rock her to sleep as an adult? (And that creepy Love You Forever book doesn't count.)

OTOH, I do know several parents who have tried so hard to get their kids to go down awake (because some expert said they had to) that they ended up with 2-hour ordeals for naps and bedtime. The parents were frustrated and exhausted and felt inadequate, and the kids were jittery and exhausted. They all would have been far better off if the parents had just listened to their kids (instead of a book or TV show or website), rocked or strolled or nursed or pacifiered or whatever to sleep, and then adjusted to the next stage when it happened in another few weeks. You can't put a price on mental health, and you can't put a price on everyone getting some sleep.

As with everything else humans have to learn, self-soothing to sleep can't be taught until the person is physically and emotionally ready to learn. That point is different for all kids, but gets easier as a kid gets older. There are many babies who need to be rocked to sleep at 4 months who can soothe themselves to sleep at 6 months. Or who still need to be rocked to sleep at 11 months but can go to sleep on their own at 14 months. Some kids need some help going to sleep for years, and then one day just say, "Goodnight, Mom!" and go to sleep. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them--it's just the way they're wired. If you give them what they need, and every so often test to see if they're ready for the next step toward independence, separation and self-soothing will fall into place for them when they're ready for it.

It sounds like Amanda's son is just simply not ready to go down awake yet. So I'd stop trying completely at this point and revisit it in a month or so. In the meantime, I'd start laying the groundwork for teaching him to go to sleep by putting some kind of musical lovey in his pram with him while he's strolled to sleep. That way he'll start to associate this lovey and its music with falling asleep peacefully and easily. (This is also useful for babies who nurse to sleep--just snuggle the lovey in with the two of you while you nurse to sleep for a few weeks.) Then once you do go back to putting him down drowsy (don't try to go cold turkey to putting him down awake unless he's just passed one of the developmental leaps, stick to putting him down veeeeery drowsy) the music and lovey will help to bridge that "I'm half awake--should I go back to sleep or wake up and start crying?" gap.

Try again in another month and he'll tell you if he's ready for it. If he protests a little, keep trying, but if he becomes scared and worked up, back off again and just give it a little more time. All kids eventually get there, and if you push gently but not past what the child can take you'll end up with a kid who goes to bed happily and easily even at the age of 5 or 8 or 15 or during menopause.

Learning how to fall asleep is one tiny part of the main developmental task of the first year for babies, which is learning to trust the world and his/her parents. It can be a really stressful stage for parents, because it means you have to respond again and again and again, even when you're beyond exhausted. Please don't make it worse on yourself by believing the "don't let your kid do that!" hype. If your child is helped by a pacifier or music or a lovey or co-sleeping or the crib aquarium thing or nursing to sleep or strolling to sleep or patting or whatever, just do it. It's part of the process of teaching your child that falling asleep is fun and easy. When the child is ready to move on from the prop, you'll be able to take it away, no matter what that lady at the grocery store says. It won't happen easily in one night, but you can definitely do it if you pay attention to what your child can handle and give yourselves enough time to adjust to the new thing.

Comments

[Amy]

I just wanted to say Amen! I totally agree and wish that I'd read this back when my daughter was 18 weeks. I read far too many books on this subject and felt like a big ole failure for not being able to get my daughter to fall asleep on her own. Thank goodness I eventually gave up and just gave in to what felt intuitively right which was (for us) cosleeping at night and sometimes just driving around to a drive up coffee place during naptimes! The whole sleep things is just fraught with anxiety - I'm going to send this post to all my friends who are new moms!

[HollyRhea]

Thanks, Moxie, for your ever-balanced advice. I have a 14-mo-old whom we've been head-to-head with about sleep for MONTHS now. We've finally figured it out - we put her on the floor, on a pallet. I think there was so much negative association with the crib at this point that we had to physically change her environment and all her sleep associations. Or maybe she's just finally ready to sleep more, on her own. Who knows? The whole parenting thing is such a mystery, such an individualized trial. I'm sure all we think we've learned with this baby won't even apply to the next one.

But dammit am I glad she's sleeping! I read you daily for a glimmer of an iota of an idea of how to do this parenting thing better. So, thanks.

[joline]

It is my opinion that children learn to self soothe without parents setting them up to force the issue.
For example, every time baby wakes up and mom is in the bathroom, or baby cries and mom is taking something out of a hot oven and it takes her an extra minute to get there he experiences a couple of minutes of distress that eventually he learns to deal with. We dont have to force the issue by refusing to attend to them, it all happens naturally.
I like to think of infant sleep just in the same way as every other area of infant development.
For example, imagine a mother saying " my baby is 4 months old and isnt rolling over from his tummy to his back yet. I keep trying to teach him by rolling him halfway, or putting him on an incline, but he just screams" or "my 12 month old isnt walking on his own yet, I will let go of his hands in the middle of the floor but instead of walking he just screams? How will I ever teach him to walk?"
I would keep in mind that ANY statement about parentng that goes something like this "If you dont do this now your child will NEVER do that" is always always always false. These types of statements and fears can be dismissed immediately as being impossible.
I have four children all of whom can fall asleep on their own, walk on their own, talk on their own, learned to sit and crawl and I never fell for things like "self soothe" or "tummy time", because these are cultural inventions which try to tell us how to raise our babies which dont take into account millions of years of practice our species has had!
Good luck, trust your gut,
Joline

[AV]

There is an interesting new book out "The Science of Parenting" which lays out the research of what happens biochemically to babies who are left to cry it out or self sooth - it isn't good. Our culture really needs to back off the obsession with pushing babies and parents to achieve normal developmental tasks of all kinds (sleep issues included) in any excelerated timeframe. It teaches parents to disrespect their children, not to trust their instincts and to feel they are failing as parents. And it teaches children that there is something wrong with being a normally developing human being.

[joline]

Ooh, I hate to be such a loudmouth and post twice, but this is one of those things that kind of gets me going.
Whenever I hear the words "self soothe" I cringe, because when you dig a little deeper this is just a nice sounding word for what is called Conditioned Helplessness or Learned Helplessness.

[Phc]

Can I just say that this might be the best parenting advice ever written?

"You can't put a price on mental health, and you can't put a price on everyone getting some sleep."

In our house, I say we have two priorities. The first is to take care of the baby. The second is to sleep (and mental health is wrapped into that because if there is no sleep, there is no mental health).

[Mary]

Does anyone have suggestions for a good musical lovey?

We're still having big sleep issues with our 13-month-old. She needs to be nursed to sleep, co-sleeps, and won't sleep at all with her father or in any kind of crib. Also won't take a pacifier except for using me as one. And likes to fidget/scratch/pinch me while she nurses to sleep. So. A musical lovey thing might be helpful, although I have a feeling that the kid will want nothing to do with it.

I love this kid, but man, I wish I could figure out how to get her to be a little more flexible about sleeping, and also how to cut back on the nighttime nursing pinchfest.

[Shandra]

I totally agree. I am about to cause myself two weeks of sleep problems by being optimistic on the Internet (you know how that works!) but here's what we learned with my son (everyone's baby is different of course!)

I nursed him to sleep about 80-90% of the time, despite all the advice not to. Then sometimes I would be really tired and my husband would walk him instead. And sometimes when he would wake up in the night I would rub his back (he was in a co-sleeper next to the bed) in the hopes he would go back to sleep because I was lazy, and sometimes he would.

At about 9 months he started to stop nursing on his own and then he would lie his head on my breast and fall asleep.

Now (11 months) most of the time he likes to be walked to sleep with his head on either my or my husband's chest (we have an Ergo carrier that makes this comfy for us both). It means I sometimes get 3 walks a day (outside) but that's healthy for me/my husband too.

Then one night I had to go to the bathroom before the walk and I put him in his crib and when I came back he was asleep.

So we've tried it a few times and 4/5 times he does not lie down and go to sleep, but the 5th time he does. He seems to be transitioning himself. Of course at the same time he started getting up at night but I think this is 'cause he's working very hard on walking.

Anyways, the point of all this is to say that we totally "gave in to our child's demands" (ha) and he seems to be training himself. It's very up and down and I am in no way suggesting it's a one true way, but I feel like I should post this as an antidote to the "if you nurse to sleep they will NEVER EVER EVER put themselves to sleep" stories out there.

[sara]

You know, while, of course, the vast majority of children do eventually learn to go to sleep by themselves, it's not always the case.

My oldest son is 15 YEARS old (yes, you read that right) and he *still* needs to be soothed to sleep. He's bright, does well in school, has lots of friends, and is generally very self-sufficient, but it's almost impossible for him to fall asleep on his own.

This has never been a particularly big issue for me and I've accepted that this is just the way he is. But I sometimes wonder if things would be different if I'd taken a harder line earlier....

[christie]

100% agree with all that Moxie said, and I'd like to add something that worked for us: My daughter sometimes had a hard time going to sleep. We would soothe her and help her calm down if she woke up in the middle of the night, and as she settled back into her crib, we would tell her something along the lines of, "I love you and I hope you get good rest. If you need me, let me know and I'll come for you." This was before she was producing language, but she sure did understand a lot -- and knowing that we would be back as needed seemed to help her.

[liz]

For the 15 year old who's having problems getting to sleep on his own, books on tape may help to bridge the gap.

[Chaya]

I don't know, I'm hearing a lot of negativity towards any crying at all, which is also counter productive. I think every situation is different. I am all for nursing, walking, rocking to sleep--whatever works. BUT--my baby (5 months) just doesn't transfer. Not even from fast asleep nursing to the crib, or even when nursed in bed, most of the time as soon as I move, he wakes up. Driving, walking--nothing does it at all consistently for him. This baby can go 14 hours without sleeping, even when taken on long walks, nursed for hours, etc. So, I decided to let him cry a bit, when i know he is full,
exhausted, and comfortable. And I really don't think that one night of crying for an hour will give him trauma for life--honestly it seems to me kids are much more resilient than that. And after one night that was traumatic for both of us, and maybe there will be another couple of hard nights to come, both of us are much happier, and I know that I did it for him, not me, mostly. And ok, maybe I am a little bit defensive and feel a bit guilty. But I just wanted to put out another opinion, that a little crying for a few nights doesn't seem to be the worst solution when it ends up helping everyone in the end. The lady doth protest too much, I guess I am still trying to convince myself emotionally. But, intellectually--I will do it again tonight, because it worked for us.

[joline]

Chaya,
YOu should let yourself off the hook a bit! LOL I am as a vehement opponent to the routine CIO as anybody might find.
BUT there is a difference between a mom desparately seeking a solution for herself and her child who isnt getting sleep and the routine application of any specific sleep traiing method on all children because somehow out there we got this cultural message that it is good for them and they have to learn to "self soothe".
Does that make any sense? No judgment intended towards the moms who try it in a desparate search for what might work for their particular baby (especially when they have tried so many other things), but judgment against the idea that this is a thing that is good and necessary for all.

[lydia]

I think one fact often is overlooked in the whole "parent them to sleep versus teach them to self-soothe" debate: babies are growing and therefore, always changing.

I don't think there's any technique that will be foolproof throughout all the stages of our babies' lives.

In our daughter's 16 months, we have had to do the following various things to get her to sleep: nurse, swaddle, use white noise, rock and sing, let her go to sleep next to me, give her binkies, and yes, let her cry sometimes. Currently she goes to sleep perfectly well by herself but does seem to need an adult close by when she wakes in the middle of the night.

I find that it's best just to work with a child as he/she grows up - bearing in mind that parents also have needs and will have to push back sometimes. It truly is in a child's best interest for her parents to get plenty of sleep too!

[Moxie]

Chaya, no guilt. What I'm railing against is the idea that you have to get your baby to sleep on his/her own by x months or else they'll never go to sleep on their own.

In your situation I'd be tempted to tell my partner s/he pulled nighttime duty and just leave the house and go out with some friends for a few nights in a row and let it be someone else's problem.:)

As Lydia mentioned, anything happening now is going to be different in a few weeks. 5 months is so young! My oldest still had no idea how to take naps by that point, even, so don't think this is how it's going to be forever.

Sara, I'd second the books on tape/CD/MP3 player idea, or a radio or CD player on low to get him to sleep. FWIW, my 30-year-old brother still doesn't sleep through the night.

[Kiki]

As Mary asked above - can anyone link to a good musical lovey? I think it might help our situation, but I haven't had much luck finding one.

[joline]

I dont think you can give a child a lovey. I think a child turns an item (blanket or stuffed animal or hybrid of both) into a lovey.
My son had an adorable stuffed bear from gund that played brahams lullaby. http://www.takeastroll.com/kmusicalbear.htm
I loved it. I put it in his cosleeper with him every night but he never really bonded with anything of the sort.
I think some children choose lovies, and to others a blanket is just a blanket and a bear is just a bear.

[londoner]

Musical loveys - i've just ordered a Noukie bear that plays Brahms' lullaby (again!) and am going to try moxie's suggestion of putting it in the stroller as he goes to sleep. Though with our boy I am sure he will just turn it into hours of stimulating play, as happened with the crib lullaby light, the aquarium thingy, etc etc...
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[Alemap]

Which is my fave quote?

"Experts who can create fear and feelings of inadequacy in the people who read their books will get followers who buy more books and try even harder to live up to the experts' dogma."

or

"Please don't make it worse on yourself by believing the "don't let your kid do that!" hype."

Hard to say!

A cottage industry built on parental guilt...kinda vile.

Sure, if you have a real problem, then try to fix it. And I do like the way Mindell and Weissbluth give go slow options - in this, the day of the quick fix. (Can you imagine "Jiffy Sleep" stores and how much they could make? "Your kid - Ferberized in about an hour.")

These are baby humans, not robots, or cars, or broken computers. And I'm sorry but my five month old, bless him, doesn't have the mental know-how to "manipulate" me. He can barely turn himself 360.

[jtb100]

okay... i've read the thread and have a situation that may or may not be sleep related.

my wife and i recently completed the adoption of a 14 month old boy. we've only had him for two weeks and are at our wits end on getting him to sleep. he seems to be bonding well with us but cries and screams 25% of the time when we put him down on the ground to play and 100% of the time when we try to put him into the crib. we have a glider next to the crib and try sitting in it with him on our lap but he cries then too. after a bit of coaxing we can get him to go to sleep in the glider but as soon as his head hits the cribs mattress he screams until we pick him back up. the only way he'll sleep is on one of us and if we try to roll him off of us onto the bed, he starts screaming as well.

we're at our wits end so if anyone has any advice, i'd be very thankful.

[jtb100]

by the way, we have a dr. appointment tomorrow to make sure he's not in any physical pain due to something we don't know about.

thanks again.

[Alemap]

JTB100 - CONGRATULATIONS!

Just a motherly hunch ....the little one has undergone a big change and needs to trust someone 24/7. Any chance you'd go for a family bed? Even a mattress on the floor in his room for a few months might help. In your arms on the mattress even better...

You're right to query the doc, just to be safe. But a review of some attachment parenting stuff might be in order, allowing yourself to pick and choose only what suits you.

Think of it not so much as "putting him to sleep" as loving him into your life. Yeah, it's time consuming. And yeah you'll have to make adaptations. But this is the child, I suspect, you've dreamed of all your life. What's a bit of a change to your own routine?

Love to you and yours!

[Meena]

"BUT there is a difference between a mom desparately seeking a solution for herself and her child who isnt getting sleep and the routine application of any specific sleep traiing method on all children because somehow out there we got this cultural message that it is good for them and they have to learn to "self soothe"."

I wish I could post a clapping emoticon here! I really, really should read this blog more often because it really, really makes me feel better & less inadequate as a parent!!!

We have a very odd sleeping arrangement, let's just say we cosleep with our two kids, but dh & I are not in the same bed. I sometimes feel a tremendous amount of anxiety about that b/c" (take your pick) "we should be in the same bed" or "our kids should fall asleep by themselves" or "our kids should sleep all by themselves" or "so & so puts their kids down at 8:30 in their own beds and the kids fall asleep all on their own." But the fact is - we get sleep. My 11 month old sleeps very well all night long. At times I think "I must get her into her crib, get her to fall asleep on her own." But I know I will pay a price by doing that - a priceless thing called sleep.

So we don't have the reason of "getting more sleep" to prompt us to change what we're doing. Certainly a little downtime after the kids go down would be nice and I think we will work to that. But I so hate the pressure that we should be doing things a certain way.

[Rudyinparis]

Wow! What great comments and I will be coming back here. With my 5 1/2 month old, I am finding that we are co-sleeping and I am nursing throughout the night--VERY different than what we did with my 3 year old--I feel bad about it (that is, I was, until reading this string)--and every morning think "Tomorrow night we'll put her down in the crib and let her cry it out" (which we have done a few times and she cried for over an hour)--but what we are doing now works for us--and lets us sleep. I especially appreciate the comments that point out how quickly they change... So true. I feel like some common sense has just been knocked into me after reading this! Thank you!

[Carin]

i have a 4 month old son who i love to peices..problem is im kinda upset tonite as i have heard from numerous 'friends' that im creating bad habits with him as i still rock him to sleep. It only takes about 5 mins for him to fall asleep and its kinda anice experience for us both. we snuggle in the rocking chair in his room, he nuzles in my neck and he then goes to sleep. ppl keep saying i need to put him down awake and let him fall asleep..he seems to get so distressed i cant bear it..i dont want to create bad habits tho??? i just feel like such a failure. i have just recently stopped breastfeeding too after numerous problems so i already feel like a bad mother. help!!

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[Emily]

I think this is great advice!!! As a first time mum I have tried to follow the Babywise book to a tee!!! But I have come to realise that I am not enjoying motherhood like I should be as I am always concerned about ROUTINE and when things don't go by what the book says then I feel like I am failing as a mum!!!!, and I have had enough. Mothers know their babies and what is best for them not the author of a book, but you can take advice from them and put some things into practice, but do what you feel is best for your child, your partner and you. Bringing up a baby shouldn't be like boot camp!!!!, they require love and attention in order to thrive and grow and thats what I intend to do.

[Angela]

Moxie, thanks so much for your balanced approach! I have read hours of information on "self soothing" with the objective of finding out when it should be encouraged and everything else I found is riddled with extremist, hard-line DEBATE. The concept you present of not ignoring babies/children but not letting them dictate everything either is by far the most sensible approach I have read!

Another thing I really like is the emphasis on variability from child to child. I suppose this also goes back to *listening* to your child - I feel much more confident now about taking things as they come and pushing gently and gradually but backing off if my baby(ies) (that's right, twins!) adamantly object.

Also, either your site just attracts the most reasonable and open-minded readers/posters or you do a great job of weeding out the non-credible and/or hostile/argumentative content. I REALLY appreciate that!

[Dee]

Moxie --

This advice was posted two years ago and as an early childhood professional I cannot disagree with you more. You never really say what "to do" and I would have to research your background to see your kids ages if you do have children.

I know countless parents who set up a certain way to trick their children to sleep and life becomes a nightmare as that child ages. We all need to sleep every day of our lives. Young children need sleep more than once each day for a couple of years. You are doing your child a disservice by not letting him know he can sleep at times on his own.

I am not suggesting that every bedtime you let the child scream until he is asleep. I doubt this would occur every day for the rest of the child's life, but many parents give up right away and will never know. Every child gives signals that they are tired -- rubbing eyes, fussing, yawning. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. That is the time to put the child in a place to rest -- crib, bassinette, whatever. Give a few minutes to fuss or cry (this is their only way of communicating after all).

So, the only options are when a baby is tired in your opinion is to 1)rock, stroll, feed, or other way to lull to sleep or 2)let child fall over from exhaustion from being tired because an adult will not help him rest.

These are the young children who are up until 11:00 PM because they haven't fallen asleep and God forbid they should fuss when a parent says it is bed time.

These are also the young children that will only sleep if driven in a car or taken on a walk as toddlers.

The lady who mentioned her 15 year old still needs help falling asleep? That's because he never learned to do it on your own. It does happen and more often than you think. Basically you are taking the easy way out of parenting by letting the child make the decisions. Good luck with that.

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I think this is great advice!!! As a first time mum I have tried to follow the Babywise book to a tee!!! But I have come to realise that I am not enjoying motherhood like I should be as I am always concerned about ROUTINE and when things don't go by what the book says then I feel like I am failing as a mum!!!!, and I have had enough. Mothers know their babies and what is best for them not the author of a book, but you can take advice from them and put some things into practice, but do what you feel is best for your child, your partner and you. Bringing up a baby shouldn't be like boot camp!!!!, they require love and attention in order to thrive and grow and thats what I intend to do.

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