Q&A: 2-year-old sleeping (and everything else) problems

Katie P writes:

"I've thoroughly enjoyed all your advice, and I've poked through the archives, but haven't seen anything that quite explains what is going on with my two-year-old son (technically, he'll be two on July 1). My formerly good sleeper is now taking well over an hour every night to settle down and go to sleep, and even that takes me going in there and either hushing him to sleep or rocking him.

Caveats: There's a whole lot going on right now. We just -- as in we've been in this house less than a month now -- moved 400 miles west, and the daylight is different. It's not more daylight or less, just a time shift since the sun sets about half an hour later than it did where we were before. This does mean that it stays light in his room longer, although we've tried to fix that with a light-blocking shade (which we used before). The move also marked his transition out of the crib, in part because I'm 26 weeks pregnant and we wanted him to have plenty of time to adjust to being in a big-boy bed before the baby arrives.

I've tried to keep our bedtime routine pretty much the same as it was before we moved, although I have played around with the actual time itself a bit, and it hasn't helped. I used to go through the routine, put him in the crib and tell him "Night night, Mama loves you," and he'd put himself to sleep with no crying in about five minutes. Now there's some extended playtime (he likes to get up and shut the door to his room all the way, among other things) and wailing before he settles down. And again, it's taking me having to go in there and either sit on the bed and say "hush" to him or pick him up and rock him in the living room before he'll go to sleep. But I cannot take this much longer: the last couple of nights it's been 10 p.m. until he's in bed, and then he's sleep-deprived and cranky during the day. Which, by the way, is now spent entirely with me, since I stopped working when we moved, too.

We won't even get into the issues with him flat out ignoring me when I ask him to do things like go get a diaper change or pick a toy up off the floor (he closes his eyes because if he can't see me, then he doesn't have to listen). Not to mention that as soon as Daddy gets home, I might as well not exist anymore, which is hard on my husband who feels he gets no time to himself to relax in the evenings. Oops, I guess I got into them after all.

Help! Where do I even start?"

What I find fascinating about this email is that the child's whole demeanor, day and night, is going kablooey, but Katie titled her email "Another sleep question." Isn't it funny that we're able to put up with so many troubling phases our kids go through during the day, but they really bug us at night?

It sounds like this kid is dealing with a bunch of things right now. The first are the things all kids go through at this age: the second major separation anxiety phase, a big gap between receptive language and expressive language, and the normal control issues that seem to fluctuate by the day.

Then add onto that a move, losing all his friends, losing his daycare provider(s), a new house, a new bed, spending more time with his mother (a positive stressor, but still a stressor), the different light schedule in the new place, and a sibling on the way.

Of course he's freaking out. Frankly, I'm surprised that he's not waking up multiple times in the middle of the night with all the stuff that's going on in his brain.

Time is eventually going to fix all the problems he's having, because he'll adjust to the new house, new schedule, new time with his mother. He'll make new friends and get engrossed in new activities. It will all become normal to him and he won't be stressed out about it anymore (except for the new sibling, but that's just part of being the older child).

In the meantime, probably the best thing you can do is focus on maintaining a solid, predictable, almost rigid daily schedule. He needs to feel like he knows what's going to happen over the course of the day when he wakes up in the morning, and what's going to happen the next day when he goes to bed at night.

When he wakes up, review what's going to happen that day. You might even consider doing the picture schedule some daycares and preschools do, where there are pictures of the different activities up on a wall so non-readers can keep track of what's going to happen next.

As you finish one activity, talk about what's going to happen next. Keep talking about what's going to happen all throughout your daily activities. Before bed, talk about what's going to happen the next day.

Giving him a solid, predictable routine is going to help him feel more secure. Try to build playdates and errands into the same time slots every day. That way he'll know that right after breakfast you go outside and meet someone else at the park, and after lunch you go out in the car to run errands, or whatever you decide the schedule should be. It doesn't matter what you do when, as long as it's predictable and comforting for him.

This isn't going to transform your son into a smiling, obedient cherub, but it will probably cut down on some of the tantrums and control games he's trying to engage you in.

You've only been a SAHM for a month, but I'm sure you've already figured out that sticking to a routine (even a flexible one) is essential or else you both end up still in your pajamas at 3 pm. (Er, not that there's anything wrong with that.) So having a strong routine for the next few months is going to end up helping you get stuff done and get established in your new town, too.

I don't have any good advice specifically for bedtime. When we were having the same problem I tried putting my son to bed much earlier, then putting him to bed much later (figuring that if he was going to be up until 10 anyway I might as well start with the bedtime routine at 9:40), then being strict and mean at bedtime, and then letting him fall asleep in our bed. Eventually he did start going to bed again easily, but I don't think it had anything to do with anything I did. You might end up happening on something that will help your situation if you can figure out what exactly is causing him to stay up. Is he afraid that when he wakes up things will be different? Is he too excited from some activity you're doing in the afternoon or evening in the new place that you weren't doing in the old? Is he working on some new skill? Or is it just the lightning rod of all his stress?

If you can't figure out exactly what his particular bedtime issue is, don't feel bad about it. Just know that it will get better as he gets more comfortable in your new place with your new routine. And see if you can trade off bedtime duty with your partner so neither one of you has to deal with it too many nights in a row.

Comments

[Kate]

In my opinion, the "selective deafness" is about the age, not about the situation. Ask my 2 year old to clean up toys, bring you her shoes, be still to be changed/dressed/get sunscreened and you may as well be talking to a wall. But whisper "snack" anywhere in the apartment and she comes running to demand cheese.

We're probably not the ideal control group because we are also dealing with a new sibling, but from what I've seen at the park, we're not unique!

[Lee]

I've done CIO twice and the second time was at the exact age you mention. With "Happiest Toddler on the Block" in my arms, I steeled through it and he eventually fell asleep by the door (as Karp predicted). Next night and onwards, no problem.

I wish I could lie and say it was more like Fuss-It-Out, but it was really crying.

[Tabetha]

We went through the "I don't hear you" phase with our little one when he was around the age of 2 also. He also went through the "I love Daddy best" phase at that age. He is also at that age when he will test his boundaries to make sure you mean it. It may be that he wants the security of knowing that the boundaries are the same at the new house as the old. Just make sure you give him extra loving and take naps when he does to make up for the missed sleep.

[Purple_Kangaroo]

I second the schedule suggestion. I don't know if any of you remember the sleep problems I was having with my 10-month-old from birth until a few months ago. We've been working on getting the whole family onto a schedule in the past few weeks. Eating, naps, bedtime, etc. all at about the same times every day.

The naps still need work, but Baby E is now sleeping 8-9 hours without waking at night! I am totally thrilled.

Of course, we've also had a lot of people praying for her to start sleeping better the last few weeks, so it's possible that could have something to do with it also.

[Purple_Kangaroo]

Um, I meant until a few days ago, not until a few months ago. She gradually lengthened her sleep time after we instituted the schedule. It took about a week of sleeping even worse (more 4-hour wakings in the middle of the night, being up every hour, etc.). Then she slept 3 hours one night, 4 the next, 5 the next could of nights, 4 again, then 6 and 7, and now she's sleeping 8 or 9 hours at a stretch--at a reasonable time, too.

[Dennis]

My 2 1/2 year old will not sleep through the night. For the last several weeks she has been waking up two to three and sometimes four times a night. Half the time she is bareley even awake, but whines and comes to our bedroom and often will not go back to bed in her own bed so we have to wait for her to fall asleep before we take her back in her bed and she is usually up again in an hour. We are running out of options and my wife and I are running on empty.

[Becca]

My 2.5 year old is driving me bonkers! I am up right now @ 3:30 AM and this is "normal" for us. I am so worn out and pregnant with our 2nd, in which I am constantly sick. My son STILL wakes up in the night. Once or twice, dependning and one of those times, he SCREAMS for milk. I don't know if hes hungry or thirsty or what, but Ive had it. Ive tried WEEKS upon weeks of letting him "cry it out" and he's not getting the point. When I finally come to his aid, he is hysterical and is choaking from crying so much. On top of that, he has severe asthma, so I am afraid to let him cry too much.........I just don't know what to do. I am so worn out and cannot handle this waking up every night. Ive tried to explain to him he doesn't need milk more than once a night...etc..but he doesn't seem to get it. Could something else be wrong with him?!
Sincerely, BEAT!

[Linz]

my 2 yr old doesnt sleep hardly at all. we try to start getting her to sleep at 8pm and she doesnt go to sleep untill midnight or after. Once she is asleep she wake up 4 or 5 times a night untill we leave her in the bed with us. I dont know what to do..... should i talk to her dr?

[Debbie Dooley]

I feel for all you mommy's and daddy's struggling with non sleepers. My Stevie was the perfect baby for the first year. would sleep from 7pm to 7am.Then when she turned 1 i went back to work full time, we moved, she started day care, and LOOK OUT, she has not slept throught the night since. She just turned 2.she will kinda whine for milk at least 1 sometimes 2 times during the night.and i dont think she is fully awake either. i am waiting for it to get better. we are on a pretty good schedule too. in p.j. s by 8 p.m. and i tell her its time to wind down, i usually have to lay in my bed with her for an hour and watch shrek, or sing to her. it is very trying sometimes. i enjoy reading all your comments, and i keep looking for that special something thats gonna click and do the trick. sleep tight all.
Stevie Rae's mommy

[Stevie Rae's Mommy]

p.s. i was wondering if any one has gotten any advice from dr.s

[Tired and Cranky...]

My two year old son has started going through the same thing at night...he doesn't want Mommy to leave the room. He has always been a good sleeper until now. We tried to let him cry it out, but that was two days ago and he's still hoarse from it! Last night I sat on the floor and kept edging my way out the door. It worked. Tonight I tried it but he kept trying to talk to me. So finally, I used a curt voice and said, "go to sleep." I felt so mean doing it, but that was the last I heard from him. We'll see...

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