At brunch the other day one of my friends was holding my 1-year-old. He was chomping on a sour pickle (and flicking the juice all over my friend, who thought it was funny), and reached for the piece of cake on my friend's plate. "Can he have that?" my friend asked. "Sure. He's the second child. He can have pretty much anything," I replied.
I've been thinking about that conversation, and why it is that the experience of parenting the second child (or subsequent children) is so different from being a first-time parent. The recent exchange I had with Jody and Elizabeth on the posts about the woman who didn't want to spend a weekend with her friends got me thinking about even more, specifically about how sometimes as mothers we can't let anyone else take too much care of our children. But then I read Kateri's latest post, and thought, "Aha!"
"Aha," because Kateri wrote in the most direct way possible about why being a first-time parent feels so high stakes and raising subsequent children does not. Go read her post. It's short (something that can't be said about any of my posts) and pithy and hit me right between the eyes because it's the essence of why parenting's so hard emotionally. I'll wait. No, seriously--click and read it, leave a friendly comment, then come back here.
Now that you're back, can we talk about two things? The first is how it feels to let go and let other people take some of the emotional burden of parenting, and the second is how to give yourself a break and avoid putting yourself in a perfectionistic parenting box.
Letting other people take over some of the care and emotional energy of thinking about your child is rough. That's been one of the hardest things for me as a mother--the letting go of needing to be the one in charge all the time, or the repository of knowledge (and let's face it, I'm Cliff Clavin), or the one the baby really wants. And I think that I had an easier time than lots of mothers do, all things considered. I had to make a serious effort to force myself to allow my husband to do things the way he wanted to with our son when he was tiny. It was hard to listen to my son crying, knowing that I knew how he wanted to be held and that my husband wasn't doing it "the right way." I started leaving the apartment so I wouldn't have to swallow my words of "advice" to my husband.
But it got easier and my husband started to know what our son needed more and more. The feedback loop worked like a charm. And then, when my husband was laid off and home all the time, he and my son really learned each other. He had 15 months of being at least as hands-on as I was, and I think that's still a major influence on our relationship and my identity as a mother. At one point I started being afraid that my husband might be a better parent than I am. When I realized how scared I was of that, I forced myself to really consider that it might be the case. And you know what happened? Nothing. If my husband was a better parent than I was, it was still OK. I was still a great mother, my son still loved me, and the world kept turning.
So, Question #1 for you: Do you feel like you've come to terms with other people being good at caring for your child? If yes, how did you do it, and if no, what work do you think you could do to get there?
On to the second thing, which is giving yourself a break and making parenting decisions less high-stakes. I'm not sure there's really any good way to do it. First-time parents are, by nature, concerned about everything they do in taking care of their children, and that's the way it's supposed to be. I just wish we could put less pressure on ourselves to do things perfectly all the time. That pressure leads to stress, depression, and the one-upsmanship that makes interactions with other parents so much less helpful than they could be.
I don't tend to feel guilt very often or to let others' opinions of me guide my thoughts or actions. (I think that's a result of the way I approach decisionmaking about parenting and in general, but that's a whole different post.) But even if I did, I think I've devised a pretty decent strategy for putting parenting decisions into perspective. When I was pregnant with my first son, I made a parenting mission statement for myself. I figured out what were my main goals as a parent, and then some smaller goals, too. When I started to get stressed out about what I should do, I referred back to my mission statement. If it didn't have anything to do with one of those goals, I just took the path of least resistance or more fun. It's been remarkably freeing.
So, Question #2: How do you keep yourself from sweating every small decision you have to make as a parent? Is it getting easier as your child(ren) grows older?
I'm hoping we can start to find some way out of the mental and emotional mazes we keep ourselves running around in. So please share your experience, whether you've gotten to where you want to be or not. As usual, you can post anonymously if you want to by putting "www.google.com" or "www.fake.com" into the "URL" box and only I'll be able to see whatever real or fake email address you put in the "Email Address" box.
I was thrown for a loop with the emotional impact of having a new baby. I thought I would be fairly laid-back but then found it was really very hard to hand her over to anyone else. *I* knew why she was crying/smiling/fussy. My husband, sweet man that he is, helped me work through these emotions and fears with humor and gentle nudging. And then I had to go back to work and my husband took over her care during the day. The first few months of being back at work were very hard because I was certain she would love him more and that my role and/or place in the family was being usurped. I'm getting better at biting my tongue. I remind myself that he just has a different way of parenting but it all comes from the same philosophies and a very big heart. The important part was that we made sure we communicated with each other. She is now seven months old and they are both healthy and happy and having a blast. I'm a bit jealous, but I'm happy she is able to spend this time with her Daddy. On a side note, I'm loving "Wonder Weeks" but I've found that it is written with the assumption that the mother is providing the majority of the care of the baby. Not the case in many families.
Posted by: erika | June 02, 2006 at 07:52 AM
It's funny you should post this today, a few hours before my very first (non-family) sitter arrives for the very first time. The stakes are feeling very high indeed.
I look forward to reading the comments.
Posted by: Brooklyn Girl | June 02, 2006 at 08:07 AM
Wow, great post. I was completely unprepared for the emotional turmoil of motherhood; I always thought that because I was an "older" first time mom that it would be no sweat. My daughter is 9 months old now and I'm finally feeling like my head is not spinning quite as fast. My husband is away this weekend and I can't help but think about how far away I am from feeling comfortable leaving her for more then a few hours at a time. It's interesting, but in some ways I think I'm more comfortable giving up some control when it's my mom watching her versus my husband - hmmmm. I'll have to think about that one some more!
Posted by: Amy | June 02, 2006 at 08:56 AM
What a great discussion. And Kateri's post was terrific; thanks for the heads-up.
On your first question, I really had no choice but to let other people be good at caring for my children, as I work outside the house. We've had the same nanny working with us since my son (who turned 5 yesterday!) was 4 months old. When we hired her, I was consumed with all of the usual working mommy guilt, and whether he'd grow to love her more than me. But after nearly 5 years of having this amazing woman caring for my children, I've realized a couple of things. First, my children have never confused her role with my role. They know who mommy is, who daddy is, and who the nanny is. And they love all of us, but in different ways, and that is OK. Second, while I couldn't have understood this at the time we hired her, I now appreciate what a gift it is to have someone to help with your children who has lots of experience caring for babies and toddlers. They can be such maddening creatures, yet the voice of experience from a woman who has dealt with many a fretful baby or tantruming toddler is so reassuring. I think having this helping experienced hand -- whether in the form of a sister, aunt, mother, or hired caregiver -- is the way our children are supposed to be raised. (And this leads into the discussion of the isolation of modern-day parents and their children, which is a whole other topic.)
On your second question, I'd like to say that it gets easier not to sweat the small stuff as your children get older, but in many ways it doesn't. Sure, you no longer freak out about sleeping or eating or developmental milestones the way that you do with a child under 2, but there are so many scary, new things to consider. E.g., we live in the city and my son starts kindergarten in the fall. The question of school -- public vs. private, etc. -- is overwhelming. But much as you do, my husband and I have always retreated back to our main goal for our children -- that they grow up to be good people and live up to their potential -- in guiding our decision making on this front.
None of its easy. But I always try to cut myself some slack by reminding myself that while I consider raising my children to be the most important thing I'll ever do, there is room for mistakes and experimentation. And what worked for one child might not work for the other, so its OK to reconsider approaches or change them as the children change. When I was a new mom, I felt so constrained by my choices -- as Kateri pointed out, if you chose one thing, would that exclude another? And what if made a mistake? -- but as the kids have gotten older and I've gotten more experience, I feel much more comfortable saying that I don't know what is the right choice, or that I'll try one thing for a while and change it if its not working for us.
Posted by: Amy | June 02, 2006 at 10:26 AM
I think maybe having twins as a first time mom is somewhere in between the first kid thing and the experience of being more laid back with the second. Someone was always holding the "other" baby - I couldn't hold both all day if I tried! DH had to beinvolved, completely. I think it forced me "gatekeep" less and to let go of some stuff earlier than if I have had a singleton, but sometimes that was hard too. The nice part, was that even though I couldn't do the "mine, all mine" thing with either baby, and sometimes envied that exclusivity that seemed to eminate from other new mom/baby pairs, it became clear to me that others were perhaps less likely to judge me or see me as an inexperienced. After all, I was surviving the care, love and feeding of twinfants! Interesting post.
Posted by: Emmie | June 02, 2006 at 10:39 AM
In some ways I have been a "typical" first time parent with my second. With my first, I went back to work. I had to leave her, which made me relinquish some of my control over every aspect of her life. However, I still did not leave her overnight until she was 15 months old, even though I know she would have been fine before that. She went back and forth between the breast and bottle with ease.
Now with my second, I'm home and I have never left him for more than two hrs. He's never had a bottle, and at 6.5 mos. I doubt he will ever take one. I totally hated pumping, and I did a lot of it with my first, so I think in some way I'm trying to make up for what I feel like I missed with my first. So unlike Kateri, I suspect that my first was a more independent baby than my second is right now.
Thanks for an interesting discussion.
Posted by: Megan | June 02, 2006 at 11:10 AM
I am 24 weeks pregnant with my first, and I am terrified that I am not going to do this whole parenting thing "right." I even cried to my husband this morning about that very thing! There are so many choices for every decision, and I have no idea what will be the right one for us and our son. It is just so overwhelming.
I love your advice, Moxie. Is there any way I can import you to Missouri? :-)
Posted by: Angela | June 02, 2006 at 11:51 AM
This post is so timely. Painfully so. I have been just shocked by my feelings of crazed possessiveness relating to my son. I snapped at husband, mother, anyone wanting to get within a foot of the babe. It is only by conscious decision (married to the heavy hand of fate) that I have been able to relax the teensiest bit. My son is now 9 months and poised to enter daycare. I am a wreck, but starting to believe that it will be good for both of us.
Thanks for the forum,
MamaBear
Posted by: cmm | June 02, 2006 at 12:12 PM
I had to return to work when my son was 2 months, and my husband was the SAHP until his first birthday, at which time the baby started daycare and the husband returned to school full-time.
I've not had a problem with letting my husband do things his way. He, though, will still question the way I am doing things and make what sounds like critical remarks to me. He is by nature more of a worrier than I am. It drives me completely nuts, though.
Baby #2 is on the way (whee! eep!) and I hope that he's able to mellow out a bit this time.
Posted by: Anon for this | June 02, 2006 at 12:16 PM
I work outside the home in a job that is high pressure, demanding, and challenging. For better or for worse, I get a tremendous amount of my identity and self-worth from my career.
When my son was 6 months old, I needed to go to Abroad for work. I suppose I could have gotten out of it, but I did not want having a baby to cramp my style. Nor did I want to wean. So I got us all malaria drugs and took my mother and baby. It was all okay.
Now my son in almost one and I want/need to go to Abroad again in July for 2 weeks. So I am weaning and I am going to leave him at home with his dad and the nanny. If it were not for this, I would not be weaning. Nursing is one of the mom things I feel really competent at doing.
Do I feel guilty about leaving? A bit. Do I secretly think my husband, who is so patient and warm (me-- think Judy Davis in some Woody Allen movie), might be a better parent? A bit. But I will also say that my husband has relished taking a bigger role with the baby as we try to wean. And we are happier now that the responsibilities are more shared.
Reading comments here about not wanting to leave a baby mostly don't make me feel bad. We all have to do what is right for each of us. At six months it felt wrong to leave my son. Now, it does not.
Lihpovela
Posted by: Lihpovela | June 02, 2006 at 01:06 PM
This is an interesting conversation. I think it's taken me more than half an hour to write this. It's made me think, and I've really enjoyed reading the other responses.
For the first question, it's a tough question to answer. I guess the true answer is that I have never had a hard time letting others care for my son. We (me, dad and kiddo) own a duplex with another family (2 parents, 3 sometimes 4 kids). I used to baby-sit them so much that my son used to call me by my given name instead of mom, because that was mostly what he heard me called. I never had a problem with them watching my kiddo. It helped that I knew I would be right upstairs, just in case. I've never really left him with anyone else, mostly because my household's schedule is pretty abnormal. When he was younger, I don't think I would have been confident (in myself) enough to let someone else care for him (besides daddy). As he's grown up (and me too), I've gotten more confident in myself as parent, and that means I've been able relax some, and send him off once in a while. (Makes me wonder why my confidence in myself as parent, affected my willingness to have someone else watch him?)
Question #2, ...It was tough when he was a baby, it's definately easier now that he is growing up. When I was young, my mom was super over-protective. We always asked dad if we could do stuff, so he could convince mom to let us. He was pretty laid back, and I vowed that I wanted to be more like my dad, than my mom. How do I keep myself from sweating the small stuff? I'm not sure I do, I just try hard not to be too much like my mom. I try hard to think of some thing(s) good that WILL happen, as well as some good things that COULD happen. I force myself not to dwell on the bad only.
I also think its easier for me, because for the first 4 years of my sons life, I was a live in baby-sitter for the kids we live with now (even though I don't babysit anymore). Those kids (and their parents) taught me a lot about what was important to worry about. Those kids have been my son's big sisters and brothers since the day he was born. So even though I'm the mother of an only child, it feels like he's the 4th.
The youngest 2 kids (twins) are 2 years older than my son. We compromise quite a bit. Certain things I give my son a little bit more freedom than I'm comfortable with, and sometimes the twins get held back a little bit from what their mom is comfy with, so that they can still play together.
Posted by: Kate | June 02, 2006 at 01:11 PM
I'm not even sure how to begin this comment because I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts into a cohesive whole!
First, I think I was so completely unprepared for becoming a parent. This makes sense because every child-parent relationship is different and everyone handles stress differently. I saw my sister have her baby 5 months before mine and my nephew was a so-called "easy baby". He didnt' cry a lot and didn't mind sitting in a bouncy chair while mom showered or ate. I saw this and thought "Well, obviously having a newborn is hard but it seems manageable". I was soooo naive! My son was a high-maintenence baby and I was not prepared for how difficult and scary it would be to stay home with him (during my maternity leave) and do everything myself. To top it off, he had trouble nursing at first and I was pumping ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! Riley wanted to be held all the time and cried when I put him down. He was over 10 lbs at birth so carrying him all day was exhausting and painful. I think I was so burnt out by the end of the day that I was begging my husband to take him and let me rest. I was so afraid that I was a terrible mother because didn't want to be with him every second. I was okay with letting other people care for him. I loved (and still do!) him beyond belief and he did make me smile and laugh but he cried.... A LOT. Between the crying and pumping and I began to wonder what the Hell I had gotten myself into. I could talk to my husband and he would reassure me but it could never tell other people how useless and inept I felt. It would be like admitting that I didn't like being a Mom (not the truth but many people would read it that way). I had also only moved into my neighborhood less that a year before he was born and I didn't know anyone. I was isolated and away from my old friends and family. Most of the time I didnt' talk to anyone but Riley all day. I did get out of the house but for errands or walks. I think things got better when I went back to work because I had social interaction again. I felt confident because I know I can do my work well. I think being away from him for some stretches of time made me a better parent. I didn't feel so cornered and I wasn't the only one that had to make the decisions all the time. The only problem was that I had a long commute and now I barely saw my son before he went to bed. it was the opposite situation now! I ended up compromising with part time work and it has worked beautifully. In addition, when Riley was about 10 months old my MIL moved back from out of state. I loved being able to have her take him overnight when my husband and I needed some time together to sleep-in, do housework and generally reconnect.
The thing that really gets me is that I seem to be the only one. The only mother that didn't have the crazy possessiveness and need to have the baby all the time. I feel relieved when I share the parenting. I feel cornered when I do it all myself. After reading the other comments about mothers that didn't want to leave their children I'm wondering if that means there's something wrong? There have to be some women out there that had an experience more like mine.
Sorry for the ridiculously long comment but it really reminded me of those early days and I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. Is there anyone that can reassure me that not every mother has that need to be with the babe all the time? Doesn't anyone else crave a little time alone?
Posted by: Liz | June 02, 2006 at 01:22 PM
What a thought provoking topic! My first is now almost 17 months old and I still have a very hard time letting go - and I'm not quite sure why. She has only been babysat by her grandparents on occasion and never overnight. About twice a month, I will go out with friends and my husband will take care of her. Before I leave I still neurotically remind both my husband and her grandparents of what she likes to eat and drink, etc. etc. etc. I practically have to be pushed out the door. However, once I'm out I always have a good time and tell myself that I should get out alone more often. I really wish I knew how I could better come to terms with others caring for my child. In the words of my sister-in-law, I need to have more! With regard to question #2, I really try hard not to sweat every small decision I have to make, but it's hard for me not to engage in a full-scale research project whenever I have the slightest question or concern regarding her behavior and development. I would hope that this would get better as she gets older, but somehow I think it will get worse, as the stakes are higher. Just seeing crazy teenagers around and about makes me panic....how can I ensure that she doesn't end up like them???
Posted by: Anon | June 02, 2006 at 01:22 PM
I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first child and thought (before reading this post) that I would be FINE! I have the 'old school' philosophy of kids needing to eat a bit of dirt everyday to build up their immune systems etc.
After reading this, I now realize, that maybe I am going to turn into a control freak. It wouldn't surprise me considering how much I have to bit my tongue with DH as it is.....
Oh crap. Maybe it's not going to be as straightforward as I hoped.
(Just to be fair however, there are some things I'm freaking out about - like breastfeeding and never sleeping again, nor having the time to exercise, seeing my friends..... etc etc)
Posted by: nzlucyblue | June 02, 2006 at 02:54 PM
I only realized very, very recently that I have never, ever been able to fully enjoy this glorious child that is Polly because there has always been an undercurrent of anxiety in me about my choices. Even when she is clearly in her own world, playing on her own and doesn't need me, I would torture myself thinking I shoudl be doing something, stimulating her in some way so as to not stunt her development.
I am not sure why I finally realized what I was doing (in terms of letting that little anxious voice standing in the way of my joy). But I was lucky that I did, and luckier even that I was able to tell it to shut up, and have done so ever since. I think maybe it was watching the mothers I love interact with their kids at Cecily's shower.
I think I will be much more laid back with Bingo, and I know I've loosened up a bit with Polly. She is fine and will continue to be fine. But oh are the stakes ever high. The highest I can think of.
Posted by: Menita | June 02, 2006 at 02:59 PM
I'm getting better at #1, still not great at it, but we had a huge reality check in regards to #2 when Cole was fresh out of the hospital and we got his first out-of-range test results (he has a metabolic disorder, though he has fortunately been asymptomatic since birth). I think you sweat some of the small stuff a little less when you have a kid with a chronic illness, unless that small issue could exascerbate their illness, because the spectrum of what really could go wrong in your world is so very altered. It just changes your perspective very quickly about what is a big deal in life.
Posted by: meghan | June 02, 2006 at 02:59 PM
Liz, perhaps I am someone you would like to hear from? I have had a hard time going back to work, but not a hard time leaving my son when I go. What I mean is that balancing all of the commitments sucks and wearing clean clothes to work and buying lean cuisine and pumping and getting the boy ready in the morning, etc. is crazy and more than I can handle sometimes. But, I don't cry when I walk out the door. I am a better parent when I don't force myself to be on duty all of the time. Giving up control and letting other people contribute has helped me preserve what little sanity I have left. We are all different parents with different personalities and different babies. It may be more popular to talk about how hard it is to leave your baby than how hard it is *not* to ever leave your baby, but there is a wide variety of normal out there. That feeling of being responsible for every decision small and big is a real killer for me. You get all of the control and credit but you have to own all of the failures and disappointments too. I think sharing that burden (and joy) with a spouse, partner, mother, in-law, neighbor is a good thing.
Posted by: Stacey | June 02, 2006 at 03:13 PM
This may be a bit of a tangent, but regardless, it's relavant:
I feel like a good portion of the insecurity and uneasiness of my first four months of motherhood were a result of feeling as if I had to fit into the mold that I had deemed acceptable and that people around me were also a product of. Everyone around me does CIO at 6 months? Well then I should too. Everyone around me feeds the baby on demand? Well, I should too. And if it didn't work? I felt horribly guilty for wanting to do something else, as if I was a bad mom.
I think I've finally realized that what's best for my kid is not what other people deem as acceptable, but rather, what works for us. I'm so tired of people on both extremes of the parenting spectrum using every opportunity to cut down the other side. Most of their cut downs are a result of their own insecurities. So what if someone wants to sleep with their child until they're 5? So what if another mom wants to have an hourly feeding schedule for their child so that they can functionally schedule things in advance? So what if another mom wants to put their child to sleep in the crib and let them cry for a few minutes before sleeping?
It's all ok. I just wish that moms could support each other instead of cutting each other down.
Then maybe we'd all be a little more secure with ourselves. Especially if we're forced to search around for whatever works when our first method fails.
It'd save us all some hair color, for sure.
Posted by: Jen | June 02, 2006 at 03:21 PM
I don't think I have come to terms with other people being good at caring for my child, because I haven't really let it happen. She has been watched by several sitters, but only in 2-hour stretches. I have put her to bed every night of her life. My husband pays plenty of attention to her when he's home, but I'm the one who changes her diaper, feeds her, bathes her, and puts her down for naps, always. I think this is pretty much my fault. My husband is scared of doing things "wrong" (i.e. not the way I do them) and I guess I'm scared of that too. I know this isn't a good situation but I'm not sure how to fix it. Maybe leaving the house is the only way!
Posted by: Melissa | June 02, 2006 at 06:36 PM
In terms of the first question: when I was pregnant, and discovered the wild and wooly world of AP, my husband and I talked in depth about how we both wanted to be attached- attachment was what we both felt we had missed with our own fathers, who were around, but not really there. But we knew we had our work cut out for us. I'm one of those anal control freak types who has a plan for everything and is naturally in charge. My husband is about as unlike that as a person can be. We were afraid that if we didn't take extra steps to make him In Charge Of The Baby, he never would be. (Especially since I was staying home.) So he adjusted his work schedule to arrive home at 4pm each day, and we formed a schedule. I was the parent on duty until 4pm, then he was the parent on duty the rest of the time. Except during breastfeeding, of course, he did all of the childcare in the evenings and a lot of it on the weekends.
Knowing my personality, I still might have felt the need to hover around and try to correct my husband's every move with our daughter, except she ended up being one of those hopelessly high needs infants who is just pissed off at the world ALL THE TIME. By the time my husband came home at 4pm, the only thing I wanted to do was hand her off and go far away. Because she nursed so much and pumping was really difficult for me, I normally didn't stray much further than my bedroom or backyard. But the last thing I worried about during those times was that he wouldn't take care of her properly. I was more worried about things like, "Are we out of Cheezits?" and "Damn, I'm about to finish my last library book and I don't have anything on order." After the hell of my daily life with Angry Baby and my nights of being a non-stop (seriously) milk bar, I just couldn't spend any more time obsessing when she was in my husband's arms. I had to let it go, or go crazy. You know?
Um, sorry this was so long. And I didn't even answer the other question! This has actually been an interesting thought process for me, because I'm only now realizing how differently things might have gone if my daughter hadn't been so incredibly miserable all the time in the first 15 months. We might have a totally different family dynamic, because I definitely wouldn't have backed off so readily and let my husband be in charge in the evenings if things had been a little easier. I never thought I'd be thankful for all that screaming.
Posted by: Dani | June 02, 2006 at 06:47 PM
For #1, my husband is a really really good parent. He was home the first four weeks with our now-9 mo old and that helped, that we sort of learned the basics together. I still have some trouble leaving but it's not about my husband; it's just fear that Something will happen, and comes a lot from having lost our daughter, I think.
It has been hard, esp. as he works really hard and so there are times when he just hasn't put the time in for a few weeks and they change! so fast! at this age! But I firmly firmly believe that it's important for both parents to form their /own/ relationship with their kid (and vice versa). So sometimes I just leave or go to a different floor and let them work it out. After all my breasts didn't come with the Complete Parenting Manual.
But with other people - I haven't done it yet. I can't leave our son with my parents alone for complex reasons related to abuse and incest, and for the same reasons I have trouble trusting well - anyone other than my husband. I know I need to work to get over it, so I joined a gym with a daycare room with literally a glass wall and one of these days I'll use it.
And maybe install a web camera in every room of my house, when it comes time to use a sitter. In all honesty as I start working from home I see that I'm going to need some kind of care - but I can have that and leave my office door open. Baby steps.
For #2 - I am that sweating-out mother and emailed you a totally freaked out question just this week! I'm not sure I'll ever completely get over it, but I'm trying to /balance/ it by having a freaking lot of fun the rest of the time. :) But yes. My poor son-after-neonatal-loss-eldest-surviving kid is getting the parent in the box. I intellectually appreciate what everyone says about it... but when it's me deciding whether or not it's ok for him to eat the cake I do still flip out.
Posted by: Shandra | June 02, 2006 at 09:10 PM
#1. My husband is great with our three kids. With #1, I consciously backed off and let him make his own mistakes. I didn't want to be the only person who could care for the baby. Pretty soon hubby was better at doing some things than me (eg, putting baby to sleep). It didn't bother me - I felt relief.
Baby #2 was a screamer so I was only too ready to hand her off to my husband (a la Dani!). In fact, if he hadn't been there to share the load I think I would have had a nervous breakdown (it was a very tough time). #3 has been easy and we both enjoy looking after her. When we are both in the house we share everything - feedings, night wakings, nappy changes etc. It works for us.
I've always felt 100% comfortable leaving the kids with my husband - and I like knowing that if something were to happen to me the kids would have a wonderfully, involved father who would know how to care for them and comfort them.
I also have extended family look after the children, plus I use a trusted babysitter regularly and we've used childcare with the older kids. As a new mum I couldn't see it, but now I can appreciate the wealth of experience that the carers have. They've helped me with a lot of transitions (eg, introducing solids and potty training!) and given me support and ideas when I've needed it.
I honestly believe it takes a village to raise a child (corny I know). If I was 100% responsible for the kids 100% of the time I couldn't do as good a job as I do when I share the load. I think the kids are better off having different people in their lives - different people who can fulfil different needs. I can't be everything to each of them.
#2. With experience I've learnt not to sweat the small stuff (I don't have the time!) and to go with the flow. But I still sweat the big stuff and the big stuff gets bigger and more difficult (eg, issues about schooling, discipline etc.) Parenting is a tough job!
Posted by: Em | June 02, 2006 at 11:53 PM
The second time around has been soo different for me because my first son has health issues. I had a very hard time letting anyone care for my first son and still do. My husband has been trained to do everything but I am super picky about babysitters. So for me the pressure of new motherhood was combined with an even bigger stress. When #2 came along it was like a breath of fresh air. I didn't have to obsess about "wrecking" him.
As for question #1 I had to teach my husband to care for my first son because if I hadn't I would have gone crazy. I needed the chance to get out of the house for metnal health breaks. #2 was actually harder because very early on he decided that only mommy would do. We are slowly getting him to accept others but it is going very slowly. He still will not eat very well for anyone but me which is very frustrating.
For question #2 is a toughie because the jury is still out on this one.
Posted by: Melissa | June 03, 2006 at 02:05 AM
If you want to be a more laid-back parent, have multiples. I would be a typical obsessive first time mom if I had just had one kid at a time. As it was, I was tolerably obsessive, I think. From the very beginning, I had to be okay with someone else taking care of my kid(s). I didn't leave them with non-family until they were more than a year, though. By that time I had weaned them and they seemed less helpless. I love when my kids form attachments to other people. Yeah, sometimes I get a nagging feeling of jealousy that they might love my MIL more, but I know it's good for them to learn that other adults love and care for them. Plus, they're such cool kids that I love sharing them with other people.
Question 2. It's so hard. It's so hard to remember that I will not make or break my kids based on ONE parenting decision, but rather the overall environment in our home. I'm pretty good at prioritizing and try to filter things through my Type B personality husband as often as possible. He helps me realize that not everything is a life and death decision. I do read a lot a parenting books and ask other parents a lot of questions. I don't view other people's decisions as better than mine, but I really like hearing their ideas and rationals. Sometimes I change to match them and sometimes I just shrug and keep doing what I'm doing. It was hard at first to not view someone else's decision as a statement about MY parenting skills, but when I really think about it, I realize how unreasonable that is.
Posted by: Linda | June 03, 2006 at 04:50 AM
There's too much here for me to tackle in a comment, but because my multiples experience was different, I'll just throw it out there.
Having the babies in the NICU made it HARDER for me to trust other people to be around my babies. (Not my husband. I'm afraid I make not-very-nice judgements about people who don't trust their babies with their husbands. Very stupid stuff like: why did you get married then? I know there are infinite variables, and it's terribly judgemental of me, but I never would have married my husband if he hadn't been a person I could trust implicitly with my children. Granted NEITHER of us could have handled three infants alone in the first year for any length of time, and I was breastfeeding with supply anxieties so not going too far afield. See, I'm already making this too long.)
My point is, because of the NICU experience, and the high-risk pregnancy combined with 6-week hospitalization, I felt enormously insecure about my ability to mother/nurture my babies, at a fundamental level. First my body failed them (this was the only-subconscious thought at the time) and then the entire NICU experience set up a dynamic where I had to ask permission even to see my kids, let alone care for them. Plus: triplets. Who can handle that? And at that time (still now, really), the major advice for triplet moms was all about scheduling, STRICT Ezzo-style scheduling, etc. So for a whole host of reasons, I felt massively insecure about mothering. Plus: my babies had been in the hospital for three-five weeks. And there were three of them. I was incredibly anxious/scared that they would never know _I_ was the mother (I know, this just seems beyond-absurd NOW, but for months, it haunted me) and then, throw in my own nursery ghosts, and that only made the whole dynamic worse.
I was _scared_ to let anyone else handle the babies, because (a) if they did it better, it would have shattere my already fractured confidence; (b) it would reduce me to one more face in a crowd; (c) what if the babies liked someone better than me? I just couldn't handle that possibility.
Some of that was first-time parenting, yes, but I wouldn't say that having multiples made it easier for me to share the babies. On the contrary, everything surrouding multiples made it HARDER for me to share the babies. Again, exempting my husband, because in terms of babycare, we were both in it together. Although -- that does get a little complicated, in the sense that if he was the primary caregiver for a particular baby on a particular day, I'd start to feel pretty antsy about reconnecting with that baby by the end of the day. And he obviously has his own stories to tell about that time, because the breastfeeding in particular made him feel much more secondary than I saw him.
This isn't coherent in the slightest. But I don't have time to fix it or write more today. Sorry about that.
Posted by: Jody | June 03, 2006 at 01:59 PM
The whole leaving-babies-with-Dad issue is more complicated than that parenthetical makes it. I understand the impulse just to always have the baby with you all the time when it's small. I think it's an impulse you need to _fight_, for the sake of the baby's relationship with the father, but I understand it totally. It's the "I could never trust my toddler/older child with Dad" thing that I tend to judge too harshly.
Posted by: Jody | June 03, 2006 at 02:05 PM
Here's the comment I left over at Keteri's: I've always wondered what it means that I feel as if I've parented my first [only] as others parent their second, third, etc. Ok, I'll confess, maybe I wasn't QUITE as cavalier in my decisions re: Zoe as some parents of #2, #3, etc. BUT I am pretty sure I didn't quite so, um, wrapped around the axel - shall we say - about sleeping, eating, pooping, slinging vs. strollering, daycare, germs, etc. etc. etc. Some of my theories are: Zoe was an easy, adaptable, text-book baby, so things with her were easier and more predictable than with some of my friends' kids. Or, since my husband and I each work part-time outside the home, we parented 50 / 50 from the start (lactation aside - but he did everything he could to compensate). So, from the beginning, there were 2 ways to do everything - his and mine. Or, we're "older parents" 36 and 40 respectively when Z was born. So, we’d witnessed a lot of parenting amongst our circle of friends before it was our turn. (Although, I know other "older parents" who were total freak shows when it came to parenting – neurotic, over-protective.) Anyway. Since I'm not having more kids we'll never know if I'd be even more relaxed about #2. But I've always felt a little defensive at the implication that one doesn't really get into the swing of parenting until #2 comes along.
And more specifically, re: your first question, Moxie: it never ever crossed my mind not to go back to work. I was going back 1/2 time to a job that is [cerebrally] challenging with a boss I love. I knew before Z was born that I wasn't cut from stay-home-parent cloth and that didn't change after she arrived. Luckily, I had the choice - I know that not everyone does. Anyway, I really believe that having Z in daycare - even just one or two days a week - from 5 months on, has been one of the best parenting decisions we've made. She learned the fundamental lesson that she can get care / comfort from someone other than my husband and I. (It never occurred to me that her care provider couldn't take care of her as well as us. That would be pure hubris. I mean, Z is precious, but not so unique that someone else can't figure out what her needs are. Fatima has been loving and caring for babies in her home daycare for 15 years. That was 15 years more experience than we had.) It has subsequently been easy - for Z and for us - to leave her with sitters, in daycare at the gym, at preschool. I am the kind of person that needs selfish time. I am a better parent for the time I spend away from my daughter - working, working out, at book group, etc. etc. And, I think she's a well-adjusted kid party due to the time she has spent away from us.
Posted by: Lisa | June 03, 2006 at 03:58 PM
Here's the comment I left at Kateri's, which addresses (vaguely) the second question:
--
There was nothing quite like not being able to exclusively breastfeed (PCOS supply issues and hypoplastic breasts) that pretty well kept me from being rigid.
As a perfectionist Control Freak, I am sure I would have been much more tightly wound if I'd been able to do everything -just so-, as I'd planned, but from day one (quite literally), nothing went as I'd planned, so my situation demanded flexibility.
I would have made myself sick if I hadn't been able to change plans and adapt to something new as quickly as I did. Not that it was easy, but I think in the long run my initial disappointment has made me a better and more capable parent.
I really never thought about it in quite those terms until I read your post, so, thanks for helping me see more clearly how not being able to 'get it right' the first time around was to my benefit.
---
Regarding the first question, I am not my son's primary caregiver, his father is. I am still Mama, and CX and I are very fond of each other and very attached--and I don't necessarily use that in the strict 'attachment parenting' sense.
I would much rather be the one taking him to the park or zoo or whatever every day instead of working, but that's just not the way it is for us.
I know that while our styles are different and our responses to CX's needs aren't identical, NC is a fantastic daddy and probably does more of the heavier lifting than I do. Is he a better parent? Well, each of us has our strong and weak points. Together, we do very well.
Like being a relatively laid-back parent of an only-so-far, I didn't have much choice in the matter. We knew from the second line on the pregnancy test that NC would have to be the one caring for our child while I worked during the day. That was that. It wasn't something unexpected, like (for instance) my breastfeeding issues, but rather something that just -was-. There was nothing to come to terms with.
There are some things that I won't meet with compromise, namely health and safety issues, but that attitude isn't any different than my pick-your-battles outlook on life in general. Save your energy for the fights that make a difference, I say.
And perhaps the most important piece is this: I do not give a single, solitary damn about the opinion others have of me when it comes to just about everything, including the choices we make as a family. Ultimately, it's just my personality that lets me be okay with not micromanaging my son's life any more than is necessary or appropriate.
Posted by: wix | June 04, 2006 at 12:03 AM
I think different experiences set up differenty responses. My son was born 16 weeks early and spent 104 days in the NICU. He had an amazing primary nursing team and the greatest neonatologist ever (she even came in on a weekend to advise a resident about something I was questioning). I trusted these people with my son's life. I struggled to even feel like a mom during our first weeks in the hospital. But gradually I became his mom, and I shared him with some wonderful nurses. I am very comfortable leaving him in the care of others. However, after spending so much time away from him, I crave spending time with him.
Posted by: amy | June 04, 2006 at 11:22 AM
I just wanted to share some insight since I've been on the other side of the letting others care for your child situation. Right now I'm working as a Nanny taking care of two beautiful boys for 10 hours a day, five days a week. When I started, the baby was only 3 months old, and his brother was almost 2. Trust me when I say that I've dealt first hand with what it means to be okay with someone else taking care of your kids. I am only 24 years old. I don't have children. I have a degree in Psychology and one in Early Childhood Education. The first day I watched the boys alone, their mother said that she expected me to make mistakes and be completely overwhelmed, but that it was okay because "I'd learn eventually." She was visibly upset when she came home and the house was mostly clean, the dishes and the laundry were done, and the kids were happy and healthy. When her baby (now 1) started talking and she asked him who Mama was, he pointed to her, and she made a comment like, "Yeah, you had better point to me", as if she assumed he would point to me instead. This same child, when asked who Dada is, points to the cat. Since I'm not a mother I'm not going to assume I know how hard it must be, but I do know this...to those boys, I'm just the fun lady who comes and goes as she pleases, gives them snacks, and takes them to the park. She is the one who tucks them in at night, is there when they wake up in the morning, and will be in their lives forever.
Posted by: Shenley | June 04, 2006 at 02:28 PM
I'll focus on Question #2. You wrote in your post about a "parenting mission statement." Not to take the business analogy too far, but I think it's also important to have a "board of directors." Who are the key people you always find yourself turning to for advice? Are they a balanced group, from a range of backgrounds, like any good board? Of course, you (and your child's other parent, if there is one) are the chair(s) of the board, and have final say. You don't need to consult with the board for everything, either. Some decisions, however, can be easier if you feel you've gotten input from a core group of trusted others.
For the small, daily decisions about young children, I find it's useful to divide potential negatives into:
1. Things that could cause permanent bodily harm to child or others. ("No, you can't run with scissors.")
2. Things that are icky, but don't fall into Category 1. ("You want to eat Cheerios off the floor? Sure, saves me having to sweep.")
Don't stress so much about Category #2.
Posted by: Dana | June 04, 2006 at 10:47 PM
#1. I am the mother to three two-year-olds, and feel like I often "force" others to care for my kids....even when they are not actively volunteering. I often delegate to family and friends if they are around to help. ("Can you put Z's jacket on? Will you take S to the car?") I have a few friends and family who take GREAT care of my kids....sometimes more affectionate, more creatively fun, more patient with them than I am. I usually am really thankful that I have people in my life who WILL offer love to my kids, because I sometimes feel that I can not give all three of them enough. I am lacking....I have three really dependent kids that expect me to pour love, attention, etc onto them....and i could NOT do it on my own. I am thankful I have people in my life who can help. I am not sure that I would be as thankful or willing to expect help if I had only one kid at a time.
Jody mentions her experience in neonatal, and although i can understand not wanting to share responsibilities with other caretakers, I remember knowing that I couldn't care for my kids (technically, medically) in the ways that they needed to be cared for. I was thankful that someone could. I remember feeling the enormous reponsbility of staying at the hospital every day, so that I could pour the special motherly love on my kids that none of the nurses could offer. I felt like I had something unique to give, and I think that feeling actually helped me form a healthy view of the unique role I played in the lives of my beloved children. People can help me care for them....even love them alot....but no one can give them the unique love that comes from being someone's mother.
#2. I also came up with a general mission statement when it came to mothering my kids. The first thing I try to focus on is modeling a relationship with Christ. I haven't quite figured out what that looks like, except that I think it is more LIVING and less talking, telling, or teaching. Second, I hope to teach my kids to be confident in themselves, therefore not being externally motivated when making small or important life decisions. I think alot of this comes from modeling, and I haven't figured out how this relates to discipline styles quite yet. For instance, if spanking and timeouts are negative external motivators, and rewards are positive external motivators, what types of responses (to your children's actions) are internal motivators that will help shape their future decision-making skills?
These questions are my desired goal for every day....alot of times, though, I find my question being something like "How can I get my kids to stop annoying me this instant!?" I need to spend more time focusing on that original mission statement.
Posted by: karla | June 04, 2006 at 11:30 PM
The first part of Liz's post really resonated with me. My first son spent a week in the NICU and we spent his first two weeks struggling to breastfeed. My entire approach to parenting was centered on a strong breastfeeding relationship and between that initial separation and our difficulty nursing, it took me a long time to feel like I was really the mother of that little boy. My husband spent more time with him in the hospital and seemed to bond with him more easily than I did. I had no problem letting others hold him, so long as they brought him to me to nurse now and then. My SIL's all commented after the fact that they assumed I'd hold the baby hostage in another room and be a control freak, but were surprised at how laid back I was about who had him. Really, I think I figured they'd do a better job at keeping him happy than me, so they might as well pass him around.
We attachment parent and I'm a SAHM. Eventually, we got the nursing figured out, and I gained confidence in myself as a mother. I stuck to our plans to cosleep, avoid bottles and pacifiers, and hold him as much as possible. Both our families live in town and we spent a lot of time at their houses--it helped give me a break while still being nearby to nurse, which was just the right amount of separation for us.
When our second son was born 2 months ago, he too ended up in the NICU, but only for 3 days. I stayed in his room the entire time, which was the first time I'd been away from Peter overnight. He flipped out the first night with his beloved Nana and Bampa, but was fine the other nights with Daddy. Two weeks ago, I left Peter for 3 nights but brought the baby with me on a short vacation. Peter enjoyed extra time with an auntie and grandparents during two of the days and thrived spending the whole weekend (and nights) alone with Daddy. A year ago I couldn't have left him that long, but it didn't even phase me to do it now.
I feel frazzled as a mom of two, but it's no longer because I question my ability to mother. Sometimes I wish I wasn't their mom, but I don't feel like their "real mother" is going to come take them away like I did after Peter was born.
I've always been willing to ignore parenting styles of others because I feel like we're doing the right thing for our family and I'm not pressured to follow someone else's approach. I don't look at parenting books much. My husband takes over bedtime once nursing to sleep isn't necessary and assists in all the non-breastfeeding parts of child-rearing. These days, it sometimes feels like he's in charge of the 2 year old and the baby's my responsibility.
I'm not sure if that answers the questions exactly, but that's how I've experienced it.
Posted by: Amy F | June 05, 2006 at 03:29 AM
Just chiming in to let Liz know that her experiences were very similar to mine. My daughter was a CHALLENGING newborn. She screamed constantly, barely slept, was colicky, wanted to nurse every other hour for an hour 24 hours a day. If she was awake she had to be in our arms walking around and bouncing vigorously, and if she was not screaming she was basically on the verge of screaming, and if you just stopped bouncing or walking for a second she'd pick up again. She's now 18 months, and a total delight. But when I see people with babies in their carriers out and about(she hated her carrier, hated the car, we couldn't take her anywhere), I think to myself, "we never could have done that with her." So, I was majorly thrown for a loop. I had no clue how to take care of her, and my husband COULD NOT DEAL with the screaming. To his credit, he's a great dad now, but the screaming he couldn't take. So, I felt like I was taking care of her alone, and doing a miserable job at it, and I was super resentful of how much I was doing on my own, and I welcomed the time when I had to go back to work. I did feel very nervous the first few days leaving her in the care of the ladies at the daycare, would they know how to bounce her just right so she wouldn't scream? But they seemed to handle it really well, they have been in childcare specifically dealing with babies for over 25 years (each), so she was nothing new for them. The older she got, the less she screamed and the more confident my husband and I became in dealing with her. Even now, though, when I drop her off at the daycare, if she cries and doesn't want me to leave her, I feel horrible, but if she runs to the daycare providers smiling and gives them a big hug, I feel great. I've never felt like they would/could replace me in any way, but I want her to like them, because then I feel like I've left her in good hands.
I was, however, majorly rigid in all things parenting, which is difficult when your child is in daycare full time, but I managed. I've relaxed a bit as she's gotten older, but all parenting decisions really brought out the control freak in me. Pacifiers, introduction of solids, what type of bottle, what type of carseat, where she slept, how she slept, what she ate, when she ate, I was a bit rigid. Not that I made her follow my schedule, I did everything based on her demands, but I researched everything to death and would reject any ideas other than the ones I had determined were best.
Posted by: J | June 05, 2006 at 12:17 PM
We surprised ourselves when our children (twins, now 3) were 12 weeks old by deciding to keep them at home. I was committed to returning to work full-time, so we worked out a staggered schedule that allowed one parent to be home at all times. That was a huge investment for us (very different from what we’d imagined, and we would probably not have taken the step with a singleton simply because the staggering cost of childcare for two infants forced us to evaluate our priorities and arrive at this alternative solution), and COMPLETELY worth it. Our children got to know both of us and experience different parenting styles. They’ve been in daycare three days/week for about a year because DH and I realized that never seeing each other was taking a toll on our marriage and our individual well-being. In case of another child, I would probably quit my job because I think it’s been really important for the kids to have full-time parents, but I don’t think our family life could withstand the upheaval of a nonstandard schedule again. I think we’d have to be really intentional then about making sure my husband had sole responsibility a good portion of the time.
Question # 1: We’ve been very comfortable with our parents, siblings, friends as occasional sitters, even overnight, from the beginning. I want the kids to have lots of important adults in their lives as they grow up – people they can talk to about the stuff they might not want to bring to their mom, and people who can provide perspective that is not tinged with parental hysteria. :) I think it’s important to lay the foundation for that early – these are all people who love my kids, and there can’t be too much of that.
When we started daycare, we initially chose an in-home provider – a mom with a daughter the same age as my children. I had some issues with that situation because it was another mom, doing mom things – doing MY job all day, doing it differently. The kids are in a center now, and I’m not as angsty because the teachers are TEACHERS and they have a completely different role as Other Significant Adults. The critical thing here is the distinction of role: NO ONE else is the mom, and that is of course true with in-laws and friends as well, and even my husband. Overall, I'd have to say that the key for me is in accepting others' efforts so that I can maintain an identity separate from motherhood, but doing that in such a way that I am indisputably Mom. :)
As to question 2: I’m a control person. One of my great ongoing challenges in parenting is living in the moment and letting things unfold rather than planning down to the minute. I find that things are more harmonious when I’m able to do that; my kids and I are happier and have more fun. It is easier with practice, but I’m working against my own personality to some extent. My M.O. in every arena is to make the best decision I can at the time, with the information I have at the time. This (mostly) keeps me from second-guessing myself.
Posted by: christie | June 05, 2006 at 12:19 PM
I am a mom of 4 and have been in the game now for 14 years. And while I am very comfortable with family members being good at caring for my children, I never have been willing to leave my children with non family members. That said however I am blessed that we live near grandparents and family and it has never been an issue. I am certain I would have somehow managed if I had no nearby family. But even so, with my oldest she was 6 months before I ever left her in the evening and it was a disaster, it was many months before I tried again.
As far as the second question, does it get easier to make decisions as your children get older? Hands down for me the answer is no.
I have four children and my three youngest are just turned 4, and 2 1/2 year old twins. And I really know how to handle the toddler preschooler ages so I dont sweat it with them.
But for my oldest, whatever age she reaches, whatever problem we have to deal with or decision I have to make,it is always the first time I make that decision.
She is now 14 and I agonize daily over all of those teen issues of control versus freedom. Am I making a mistake? No matter which way I go I keep asking myself that question.
So no, while subsequent children are easier because I have already been there and thought those things out and seen the outcomes. I will continue to be a first time parent to my oldest for the duration of our lives. When she turns 30, it will still be the first time in my life I ever was the parent of a 30 year old.
Posted by: joline | June 11, 2006 at 03:57 AM