Q&A: sensitive 2-year-olds

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Karla writes:

"My kids are extremely crabby.  We stayed at a friend's house this weekend. They have a two year old son.  My boys are also two.  Our friend's boy (let's call him Jake), not knowing how to play, would growl at our sons, try to tackle them, and sometimes push them (all things his football coach dad had taught him to do).  My sons cried (screamed) with ALL of their might any time this kid came near them.  The weekend was horrible, because my sons were SO sensitive.  My friend DID tell her son not to push, etc. but when it DID happen again anyway, I was embarrassed by how wimpy my kids were being. We tried showing our sons that Jake was playing.   We tried to teach them to growl back when he growled, etc.  Or tickle him when he pushed.  They were happy to do so when we were right by them, but screamed hysterically when we were not present when the incident occured again.

Besides that and outside of the weekend, our boys are just crabby kids.  I don't think that it is because we spoil them.  I don't hold them all of the time, although you would think so with the constant demands of "COME! Wahhhah!  COME!" or "UP!"  "Cereal! MORE! Wahaha!" The kids cry almost all day long, unless I am RIGHT there playing with them.  I don't believe that a mom should spend every second with her kids all day.  I have things to get done, dinner to make, laundry to do, etc.  How do you teach your kids to be content when their mom is not right next to them, comforting them in their toddler despair?  I did read your post on whining (for a 3 year old, i think?), and you said to put them in their room until they have calmed down.  I have done that to some extent.  Not in their room, but at the end of a hallway, away from all of us.  It totally works while they are there, but as soon as the kid is allowed back into the family, he is screaming and begging to be picked up again."

Your poor kids! It must have been awful for them to be around Jake for so long. He really sounds scary.

I'd say he sounds "out of control," but it sounds like his dad wants him to act that way and is creating this behavior (so it's very much controlled behavior). I wonder what his father thinks is going to happen when all the other kids are scared to be around his son. 2-year-olds are prone to violence anyway (because they have a hard time processing and communicating their frustration), so parents really need to be on top of things and help their kids work through their negative feelings without hurting anyone. The father is not helping his son in any way by encouraging him to tackle and push down other kids. (And growling at them?! What's with that?! I really wonder about this father's thought process.)

I think your children acted perfectly appropriately by screaming and trying to get away from him. They really shouldn't have to spend any time with a kid who's being trained to be a bully by his parents. Jake is essentially the equivalent of a big, scary dog, so they were really just trying to protect themselves by getting away from the danger.

That said, I think you did the right thing by trying to let them know that he was trying to play with them. It's important to help kids formulate a response to things they think are scary, and helping them turn it into a game is a good technique. Unfortunately, Jake was probably way too aggressive for them to be able to deal with for more than a few minutes at a time, and they certainly couldn't deal with him alone. But it's a good thing to teach your kids to take a situation they find scary and try to find a way to master it for themselves. It's not going to happen overnight, but if you keep helping them with taking control back from a bully, eventually they'll be able to to it for themselves.

About the "crabbiness," I think you're expecting too much of kids that young, honestly.

2-year-olds are incredibly needy creatures. They need almost constant interaction, so even when they're playing "by themselves," they're still asking you to look at what they're doing, and talk to them, and answer endless "Why?"s and hug them, pick them up, stack the Legos, make Percy go around the track, etc. It's a normal part of that stage and does not mean that they're especially needy. It's totally normal, and you shouldn't be trying to push them to be more independent than they can be, if only because it won't work and it'll just make you more frustrated.

This age is right smack dab in the middle of the fight for autonomy. They're doing this odd little dance between independence and clinginess, freedom and safety. By picking them up when they ask for it, you're giving them the security to be able to walk away from you. If you refuse to pick them up in hopes that it will make them more independent, it will actually backfire on you by making them want to be with you even more.

You've probably heard the old rubber band analogy before, but I'll trot it out again because it's just so illustrative of what happens with toddlers (and boyfriends, frankly). Essentially, a toddler's need for connection is like a rubber band, with the toddler holding one end and you holding one end. There needs to be just a slight amount of tension there, but not too much, for the toddler's emotional needs to be met. If you pull away, the rubber band gets stretched too tight, and the toddler will try to get closer to you to get the right amount of distance. If you give the toddler all the closeness s/he seeks, the toddler will then be able to pull away from you and be more independent to maintain the right tension.

So it's counterintuitive, but the way to get your kids to be more independent is to give them all the attention and closeness and carrying they want.

The problem, of course, is that you have stuff you have to get done. This is where it starts to get a little messy, because the best thing to do with 2-year-olds is to let them help you with everything. Yes, this is extremely annoying. Yes, it's going to take twice as long to do everything, if you're lucky. Yes, you are going to want to start drinking at noon. But the good news is that if you just suck it up now, in a few years they'll be really good at all the chores and fully trained. Seriously. My 4-year-old can make a pizza by himself, with just a little assistance from me. He can also put in a load of laundry, although I have to lift him up so he can put the quarters in the slot (we have a shared machine in our building). And he's at least as good at Broom-Vac'ing the living room as I am by now.

There are times when it makes my blood boil (and I'm not sure that's even a metaphor) to have my son help because it's like pulling teeth. But I just keep my eyes on the long-term goal, which is to raise independent kids who know how to do all household chores and just expect to do them. I feel like I'm taking the hit now so my future children-in-law won't be partnered with domestic incompetents.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's no way you can change your kids, so you're going to have to adjust your own expectations to be more realistic for their developmental stage. They're so much needier than we think they should be at this age. After all, they're so big and can talk so well. but they're still just babies, and they need as much closeness and contact as we can give them now so that they can move away from us when they're ready.

And maybe you shouldn't do anymore overnights with Jake until his dad has figured out that he shouldn't be training his son to act like an untrained dog. It's hard to deal with our friends' lack of parenting skills sometimes (but that's another post entirely).

Comments

[Meira]

Oh, Moxie! If only I'd sucked it up and let Big Kid (age 8) help me with chores when he was little! He'd be trained.
But I didn't. And I still don't, and then I get frustrated when he doesn't know how to do things. Ah, well. I'm inspired now, and I'll start today.

And excellent insight with the rubber band thing. I see that all the time.

[Diana]

I couldn't help but think of my own children when I read this. I have a 4 year old daughter that has been "daddy's little girl" and is not prissy or anything of the sort. However, she will not assert herself around other children. To a large extent, I am glad that she is so polite in public. However, there are 2 girls she plays with that boss her around to the point where they will do something she knows is wrong and she will follow suit. I wonder if this dad teaches aggressive behavior in order to be sure his boys aren't "sissies" or end up being bossed around.
I definitely agree with both parts of your answer 1. The aggressive boys were in the wrong but also 2. Toddlars are needy and that doesn't mean they will be that way forever.
At 4, I can imagine my girl growling back, but certainly not at 2. Maybe, just maybe, if I were there and encouraged her she would do it, but I would probably be holding on to her at the same time. Please don't worry if your child is a whiny toddlar--I went through that and it is soooo much better in the end. Yes, occassionally we said, "Buck up, you can handle being inconvienced for awhile," but naturally, she grew older and more confident and now amazes me with how she acts.

[Diana]

Oh, and thank you for saying it is a necessary pain about the chores! I always thought I was unusual because I found it such a pain to have her help, yet I enjoyed the fact she wanted to help. Now she loads the dishwasher and dryer (with me, of course) like a pro.

[kelly jeanie]

I was thinking about writing in to ask you about my 13 month-old, but you answered my question in this post. I work at home and I'd love it if he'd play by himself more, but generally he'll be fine for about 10 minutes before he needs to come find me and get a hug or hand me something. He will pretty much ignore me while he's playing, but I can't get up and leave. I finally figured out that I simply can't work when he's around, and if I need to work I have to find alternate arrangements. I wondered if I had spoiled him somehow, and how long kids his age were supposed to be playing by themselves, but after reading this it's good to know he's normal. It's also good to know that he won't grow out of it soon, so I don't try to push him. Good advice about the chores, we won't be doing that tomorrow, but soon enough. :)

[SheilaC]

Did I understand correctly that Karla has two two-year-old boys, perhaps twins?

As a mom of triplets, I remember how difficult this "needy" stage was, when they wanted lots of attention and closeness, and competed with each other for mom's lap and hugs and attention. When there are two or more kids in the same stage, both demanding 100% of your attention, it is really hard to meet their needs, never mind to meet any of your own! And yes, there can be a lot of crying from whoever feels left out for even 1 minute. It's normal!

When our crew were two, we were still using gates a lot, and super baby proofing, so that we could put them in different areas or rooms of the house and know they could play safely.

Maybe Karla could gently teach them to take turns having one-on-one time with Mommy, just 5 minutes at a time. Put one child A in a safe play place, with some of the most desirable toys that they have trouble sharing. Then sit and hold the other one B, nearby where A can see, and read a little story or play a little game. Then switch kids, and let them each have two or three turns. After doing this for several days, I'd hope they would begin to trust that they can wait, and their turn will be coming next. Sometimes they will get interested in playing on their own, and won't fuss while waiting for their turn. When they get better at this, you can let them take turns helping you make banana muffins or empty the dishwasher, or swiffer the floor, or take the recycling to the garage, or make salad for supper... Good luck!

Also try putting both in the safe play space with some favourite toys, and you go to the kitchen or other nearby spot, to try to do something you need to do. Set a timer and tell them that Mommy will be right back when it rings. Try it several times for just two minutes. You are teaching them that Mommy always comes back, and that they can wait a little bit for attention. (Unless somebody is hurt, when of course you will come running.) Of course you praise them when you return. With some repetition, you should be able to lengthen the time you can get away for. If the kids are fighting, you may have to put them in separate play places, and trade who goes where. Eventually, you hope you'll be able to make a phonecall or go to the bathroom in relative peace!

For making supper at that famously whiny time of day, I would put on a short video. Twenty to thirty minutes of Baby Einstein or the Teletubbies was enough to get the meal ready and keep everyone content until Dad came home from work to help out! Or listening to music often helped, for one daughter in particular.

Good luck! I hope other moms of twins will have some suggestions.

-from a mom of triplets who just turned 6, so my memories of that stage are fading!

[Jody]

Yeah, I've been sort of half-murmuring to myself about this one all day. Because having three just-two-year olds was not really an easy thing. And most of the folks whose parenting instincts I trusted most didn't tend to offer me solutions that felt workable. Three two-year olds in the kitchen helping Mommy? I'm really sorry (really: I felt incredibly unhappy about it, and myself -- this was, after all, THE SOLUTION) but it Just Did Not Work. At All. One adult simply does not have the necessary hands. Or, honestly, patience. There really are only so many times any one person can utter the same calm remarks about where the flour goes or how to mix a cake mix without lifting up the spoon ten times to grab at it before she goes bananas. Or at least, _I_ had limits.

So, to be blunt: TV. That was the peak year of our TV time, year three (age 2). They watched after breakfast, they watched before lunch, and they watched before dinner. Because I just couldn't handle them in the kitchen. Opening the tupperware cupboard provoked a meltdown over the two favorite bowls that didn't divide three ways. Handing out wooden spoons to make music resulted in kids accidentally banging each other in the face. As late as age four, letting the kids loose with three separate swiffers was still an invitation for someone to get poked in the back or face (dust mops were easier/safer, though). Setting out a muffin tin, a bowl of mixed beans (the kind you buy in a bag for soup for 69 cents) and a bunch of plastic measuring cups kept the kids occupied for ten minutes MAX and involved 30 minutes of cleanup, none of which they could participate in (because the one or two MAX whose attention I could corral to pick 'em up were only providing ammunition for the one or two who thought it would be fun to un-do the clean up). Taking the kids into the kitchen to keep 'em close, as they desired, simply wasn't an option for me. Not most days.

Here's the thing, though: I had two friends with triplets the same age, we spent some time together, and they followed some fairly standard Moms-of-Multiples rules about trying to foster early independence. Ignoring the kids' screams and hanging-on at door gates, simply refusing to go into a room until everyone was quiet, lots of "you're a big girl now, go play with your siblings." And so far as I could see, trying to establish "limits" on Mommy access at that time didn't make a lot of difference. Clingy two-year olds are clingy two-year olds.

So, I used the TV when I had to (which was more than I wanted, in the abstract) BUT I understood (hated, but understood) that the kids were going to be just as clingy, needy, and grabby after the TV went off -- if not moreso -- as they had been before.

Also, I think the presence of same-age siblings can make those demanding whiny stages very hard on a kid, maybe even harder than just the mere presence of another sibling. Different-age siblings are going to express their different-age needs in developmentally different (and not directly competing) ways. Multiple-birth kids? They're all fighting on the same piece of ground.

And the only real solution to that problem is to be available (you and your partner/spouse) as much as you can manage. But it's not probably as much as your kids would like, and it's maybe not as much as your friends with singletons can achieve, either. And that's okay. You'll figure it out, and the kids will be pleasant charmers in preschool, really.

A few possible ideas to entertain kids that age: go outside as much as possible and save the Mom time for naps and after they're asleep. Do lots of waterplay because it seems to have some sort of neural/emotional effect that helps. In the kitchen, set down a vinyl tablecloth and set up a platic picnic table. Fill a plastic dishpan with water, bubbles, small plastic toys, and then provide sieves, boats, etc for water play. Try the aforementioned "sort food into muffin tins" trick on days when you won't mind the clean-up. Have gottles filled with vinegar water solution, so the kids can spray down cabinets, floors, chairs, etc., and dry up with soft towels. Let the kids knead bread dough and make small loaves, buns, pretzels, etc. Have a craft bin in the kitchen so the kids can color or finger paint (in whip cream on a mini cookie tray if you don't want to deal with colors) while you're cooking or cleaning up. Buy CDs of sing-along children's songs and have the kids dance and sing with you as you do your various chores. Take a look at the Flying-with-Preschoolers recommendations at http://tinyurl.com/kgn4b for ideas on getting kids involved in cleaning (but remember: it's different when two kids both need the same intensive level of supervision, so give yourself a break if you don't want them too involved). Consider buying a Learning Tower http://tinyurl.com/hynt4 so both kids can help at the counter as they get older.

Those vinegar-water bottles can be used in the laundry room, too. There was always more than enough laundry for everyone, so I let the kids stain-treat easy stains with vinegar water in old bottles of Zout (I kept the real stains, and the real Zout, for myself) and then they could dump 'em in the wash. Make sure your machines have enough buttons/steps for everyone to be happy. If your kids like riding in laundry baskets, you can add that part of the game to the fun. If you have only-mildly-dirty laundry or a high tolerance for weird play, let them climb into baskets half-full of dirty laundry. I have some interesting photos of Elba wrapped in one of my gigantic nursing bras.

Finally, the kids probably will soon play by themselves for much longer stretches than your friends with singletons would believe. Although anything longer than ten minutes will be a gift, much to be cherished, until they're around four, in my experience anyway. If you can keep them close(r) in the kitchen and laundry rooms, you'll probably find that you won't be as in demand during the ten or fifteen minutes you need for more personal stuff. Although I think the phone is going to be a problem for years to come, unfortunately!

[Jody]

That was supposed to be feather dusters, not dust mops, that work better. The very small "static charge" ones that barely extend past your hand.

I also had internet friends at the Triplet Connection who switched to batch cooking at around that age precisely so they didn't have to be in the kitchen very much. They were both working moms who knew they were going to be in continual, constant demand whenever they were home. I wish I'd had that kind of discipline.

But to reiterate: TV. It was just about the only thing that worked reliably when I needed the kids to leave me alone.

[SheilaC]

Great activity suggestions Jody! I agree that whiny and demanding two year olds are not going to change much, so all we can do is adjust our expectations and adapt our schedules to give them as much attention and mom-time as practical.

I think my remembered time-line has gotten a bit distorted. I didn't really invite my two year olds to help with much in the kitchen, that was more when they were 3 and 4 I think. We worked on taking turns with Mommy, but I did not manage to leave the room, or get out of visual range, for long at all when they were two. I had to get things done during naps, or late in the evening after bedtime.

Hang in there Karla, this stage will pass eventually!