Q&A: potty training or weaning?

Clare writes:

"My son's three and a third, very smart, physically well-coordinated, and absolutely determined not to use the potty. He's tried, and succeeded at, using both the little toilet seat on top of the big toilet and the potty, but really doesn't want to--we suggest it and he says 'no, thank you,' and, if we get more insistent, gets less polite about his refusals. The last time I tried letting him run bare-naked at home, he got out a changing pad, lay down on it with his legs in the air, and shouted: 'Put On My Diaper!'

Part of the problem is that he goes to a babysitter during the day while my husband and I work, and she and I haven't yet coordinated--she'll suggest it to him, he bursts into tears, and she drops the question.

I'd be fine with letting him wait until he's ready, but he's signed up for half-day preschool in September--which I think he'll really enjoy--and this school requires them to use the toilet and just sends the kids home if they have accidents--and, after all, it's pre-k, I can see their point. I'd hate for him to miss the chance to start school with a terrific teacher, which he's mildly excited about, because he's behind with the potty training.

I've let the matter drop for now, except for sometimes mentioning it to him in passing. We've got a family vacation coming up at the beginning of June, and when we get back, I thought I'd get the babysitter on board and just have him wear underwear all the time while he's awake. Is that reasonable? Any suggestions?

The other thing is: he's still nursing. Just at bedtime and when he first wakes up in the morning, but he's so enthusiastic and aggressive about it, I don't see him self-weaning, or even weaning with mild pressure, anytime soon. I'd always planned to nurse for the first year, but the last two have been all his idea--I'm willing to keep doing it a bit when it seems so important to him, but I'd like to stop sometime in the foreseeable future. Any thoughts? He co-sleeps with us, which means he's very used to his routine nursing then, and often (but not always) nurses to sleep, but he's able to fall asleep without nursing when I'm not there."

Heh. He sounds wonderful and hilarious and like the kind of strong-willed and assertive kid who is going to alternately drive people crazy and completely charm them. Perhaps a future senator or maverick CEO of a high tech company.

It seems daunting that he has to be trained for a September deadline, but it's good that you know you can't let it drag on indefinitely. You really don't want him to be older than 4 and still working on potty-training anyway. The trick is going to be figuring out how to glide softly into full training by the end of the summer so the first week of school isn't a huge trauma.

It sounds like you're asking if I think the nursing is a problem and if you should think about weaning. I think you can either wean or potty train, but not both at the same time. Pick which one you want to do first, and just forget about the other one until the first thing really takes. When I was in this situation I decided I could stand to nurse until my son went away to college (and I would have been willing to FedEx bags of milk) if it would finally get rid of the diapers. I think he actually nursed a little bit more during the real transition period of the potty training, but then once we did wean (after he'd been out of diapers for 5 months) it was relatively easy. (Except that I felt guilty about it, and then he got the worst cold of his life exactly two weeks after we weaned, and I was convinced it was my fault. Right. I think a mother's natural state is Guilt.)

Since he can fall asleep without nursing and without you, I think when he is ready to stop (or ready to be convinced to stop) it won't be such an issue. Since you don't seem to be bugged by the nursing, I'd just focus on the potty stuff first.

I think you're totally on target with switching him to underwear after the vacation. If you read my post on switching into underpants, I talked about the two kinds of training pants. Think about which kinds you'll use most and get them. Since you live in the city and are out and about at playgrounds, I'd also get the $10 portable potty (excuse me, "potette") from the website or Buy Buy Baby so you and your babysitter can have it along at the playground.

And you're definitely right about needing to get on the same page as your babysitter. Not only should you both be committed to potty-training, but you both need to agree on how to do it. My first line of psychological offense might be peer pressure. So if the babysitter has other kids there, she should let your son "help" them go to the bathroom as much as possible. If she's one-on-one with him, see if she/you can arrange some playdates with potty-trained kids so he can catch the toilet-training fever. If it's not possible for your babysitter to do this, see if you can get together with another kid on the weekend who is potty-trained to see if that will do it. (Or maybe you'll luck out on your vacation and he'll end up spending a bunch of time with another kid and he'll decide to potty-train during that week. A mom can dream, can't she?)

This age is so tricky for potty-training because it seems to degenerate into a real power struggle very easily. That's why I'm suggesting peer influence instead of a method that involves your convincing, cajoling, or bribing him to do it.

DId anyone do anything with an over-3 potty-trainer that got past refusal?

Comments

[Em]

I'm in a similar situation - I have a 3.5 year old who will not use the potty. She goes to preschool and the staff have been very supportive (plus she sees all the other kids using the toilets), but we aren't making any progress. I've tried bribery and occasionally she'll go along with it, but for the most part she just isn't interested. I'm trying to avoid the power struggle situation but I'm also at my wits end! I don't want to change her nappies anymore - she has 3-4 dirty nappies a day so that doesn't help. Any advice is very welcome...

[Susanne]

My situation was a lot different since my son wanted to potty-train himself before he was ready at the age of 2,5. But there is one advice that I want to give. We dealt with a lot of soggy underpants (and muddy underpants!), and I only realized that for him there was a missing link, when I got him a book about a girl who was potty-training. He was able to go potty when we put him on either the toilet or the potty, he mostly felt when he needed to go, but only the book made him realize he actually had to act on this feeling. Immediately.

I don't know which book to recommend, though, since the one I read to him was in German. And the most books were crap. But it helped him a lot to read about another child who wasn't perfect at this, and who actually had to ask how you felt that you needed to go, or how to pee into the potty. There was a medal and a little puppet as well, but I think the main thing for him was the realization that he didn't have to perfect at this. That everybody has to learn it and that all children have accidents in the beginning.

[Susan]

No advice, really. My daughter was about the same age when she decided she would potty train and it was easy because she had decided it was the right time for her. The turning point may have been letting her pick out her new underwear that she would wear once trained.
BTW, training diapers/pull-ups didn't work for us, we had to go straight to underwear for the best results.
Good luck.

[Maria]

I'm happy to read this, because my daughter is over 2.5 and has NO interest in weaning – in fact, since we just moved out of our house and are going through an in between stage before we move into the new house, she's nursing ALL the time. I'm fine with it, it's a good tool in my opinion, but I'm getting some outside pressure to knock it off.

As for potty training, she loves pooping outside (great, huh?) and will occasionally go in her potty or the toilet with a seat on it, but it's a game, and there's no consistency to it.

Basically, I'm of the 'she'll be ready when she's ready' school of thought, but it's nice to have some validation that there are other kids out there doing a similar thing.

[Amy]

My son is now almost 5, but the summer he was 3 and was headed into preschool we were convinced he would be kicked out for refusal to use the potty. He was at least willing to pee in it, but poop was a struggle.

What really finally did it for him was the peer pressure at preschool. Within a day or two, after he saw that all the other kids used the potty (and realized we weren't being irrational in expecting him to do the same!), he was using it without protest.

I suggest you get your babysitter on board, let your son pick out some cool underpants, and banish the diapers from your house, but still be prepared to bide your time until he's started the preschool program. Once he does, I expect you'll find he wants to be the same as the other kids!

[Foster]

Another trick for an older kid is to buy underpants w/ characters who he likes on them. Then, you tell him that the Ninja Turtles dont like to get wet! And if they get wet, they get v v sad and have to go away (to the laundry). Worked for my co-workers kid!

Does he know he cant wear diapers to school? That *might* help motivate him, but I doubt it.

I dunno, Im way meaner. Id just dress him in underpants and when he asked for a diaper, Id tell him I threw them away *shrug*

[eliz]

I have the same problem - 3.5 year old boy who absolutely will not use the potty or toilet. We have tried everything with no success - bribes, threats, special undies, throwing away the special undies, various rewards, peer pressure, completely backing off, etc.. For the last five weeks, he's been in underpants and has had an accident every single time. We considered it a success that he decided when he turned 3.5 that he would stop wearing diapers, but now we have the constant accidents. Everyone says that he will eventually get it, but it is making me crazy and I am considering going back to diapers. Not that this is much help, but at least you know you are not the only one. Any ideas anyone has would be much appreciated.

[Purple_Kangaroo]

We made going to the potty part of our routine and set a timer to do it every hour or so. They didn't have to actually use it, but sitting on it long enough for us to count 30 with no pressure to perform seemed to do the trick for my kids.

[Tara]

I think I wrote Moxie about this a few months back. My daughter will be 4 in August and had no interest at all in potty training...it scared her. Every day I would ask if she was going to wear a diaper or big girls and every day she would say diaper...then when she got home my husband would let her be "naked girl" and she would use the potty (#1 only)and we had a "no diapers at the park rule" Then one day about a month ago I asked diaper or big girls? and I hope you are sitting...she said big girls and she did awesome. Within two weeks she was doing both #'s on the potty no accidents. To get her to go to school (1/2 day nursery) I told her I would sit out side on the steps of the school and if she needed me the teacher would call and I would come in. At night she is still in diapers but that will be no big deal and I will do that in a few weeks.

My point is...it will happen and your kids will do great and if some one told me that 2 months ago I would have told you that you were nuts. Do not drive yourself crazy be persistent but nonchalant, act like it is no big deal to you and they will come around. I promise!

[liz]

My son started at about 3.5 because the teacher he loved went on vacation, so he had no incentive to stay in the "baby" class anymore. The week after she went on vacation, he was out of diapers and had almost no accidents.

Poop's another matter, but just this week we've gone the whole week without a request for a diaper for poop. It's all gone in the toilet. (Bribes!!)

He really enjoyed Potty Time with Bear in the Big Blue House, but that wasn't a real motivator.