Q&A: baby naptime problems

Mary Beth writes:

"I've read your blog with much interest and believe you are my only hope, Moxie-Wan-Kenobe. :-)

I have a six-month old son who is having terrible difficulty with naps. Up until a few weeks ago my husband was finishing up his PhD.  Because he cares for our son during the day while I work, he was forced to stay up until the wee hours of the morning to work on his dissertation.  When our son was ready to nap during the day, my husband just walked him around for several minutes until he fell asleep and then plopped our son right onto his chest where they dozed for hours.  Oh, we were so smart. We chuckled at those who complained of naptime problems because we were the masters.  We had it all figured out!

As you might imagine, this is now backfiring.  Our son is creeping up on 20 pounds and is too long to rest on our chests comfortably.  He doesn't snooze nearly as restfully or as long as he used to and 1 1/2 or 2 hour naps have slowly dwindled to 1 naps, max.  We are about to switch roles in a few months and I will be staying at home while my husband works and I'm trying desperately to get our son to nap in his crib, to no avail.

I've been performing a modified nighttime routine at naptime.  Changing the diaper, putting a sleepsack on the boy, turning out the lights and nursing him until he is quite asleep. Then I rock him for a few minutes just to make extra-sure.  I even do the limp-limb test to make sure he's really out.  I put him down in his crib as gently as possible, but as soon as his head touches the mattress he's wide awake, not to be lulled back to sleep.  I've read /The No-Cry Sleep Solution/ and have tried repeating key words, patting him, whatever, but he is super-stimulation man.  Any touch or sound and to him, it's time to play.  I've also followed her strategy of continuing to try putting him down over and over until it works, but after about the fourth time he decides that it's time to be awake for good, and then it's another forty minutes until we can attempt the whole cycle again.  It has only worked once, and I can't figure out the magic formula that resulted in success.

Not only am I concerned that he's not getting enough rest (he turns into a royal crank without enough sleep), but I'm also interested in having the time that he is asleep to do things around my house so that I can spend the time that he is awake playing with him.  It's also affecting his nighttime sleep; however, I'm much less concerned about that than the fact that he simply isn't getting enough rest during the day."

If only I could use The Force to make him fall asleep. Wouldn't that be a great trick? I could charge people $10 a pop to get their kids to sleep remotely by email. I'm going to get to work on that as soon as I get my monkey training ranch up and running.

Don't beat yourself up about having him nap on your husband's chest. You did what you had to do at the time to make it through. Your real error was in getting cocky about it. One of the eternal truths about baby sleep is that as soon as you start to feel cocky or smug about how your kid's sleeping, it'll come back to bite you in the keister and your kid will stop sleeping.

There are a couple of things I'd try in your situation. None of them are guaranteed to work, of course, but at the very least they'll give you something to try until he moves into the next phase and just decides on his own to sleep. I guess it goes without saying that he should have a solid bedtime routine and time. Sleep begets sleep (that's a little Biblical language joke especially for Mary Beth), so if going-to-bed isn't working the naps won't work either.

The first is tweaking the timing of his naps. A 6-month-old still definitely needs two naps a day (totalling 3-4 hours, according to all the baby sleep charts), so you might as well try out 2-3-4 and see if it works for him. (2-3-4 review: Many babies seem to naturally fall into a pattern of going down for the first nap 2 hours after waking up in the morning, then going down for the second nap 3 hours after waking up from the first nap, then going down for the night 4 hours after waking up from the second nap. Who knows why?) For a few days in a row, instead of watching for his sleep signals, see what happens if you just go under the assumption that he's going to go down 2 hours after waking in the morning and then again 3 hours after waking from the first nap. You will either find out that 2-3-4 fits him, or that he's got different sleep sweet spots. Go with whatever seems to work best for him timing-wise.

Another suggestion is to try to tire him out during the morning even more than you are now. Get him laughing and bouncing around and really interacting as much as possible, so when it's time for that first nap he's physically tired enough to go down. A playful dog or eager 4-year-old might be helpful with this part of the plan, or just regular Dance Party USA in your living room for 30 minutes.

You might also try a kind of step-down program to ease him into crib napping. Right now you're going cold turkey from chest to crib, and it's not working too well. Maybe you could try to get him to nap in the stroller for one of the naps to see if he'd fall asleep more easily with the motion. In the long run it'll be easier for him (even into adulthood) to be able to fall asleep in a bunch of different situations, so if you can get him to nap in the stroller you're partially solving the immediate problem, but you're also assuring that he'll be able to fall asleep on high school bus trips in 15 years. (Of course you don't want him to be the first one to fall asleep on the bus or the other kids will steal his jock strap or whatever it is that boys do, but you don't want the poor kid to be awake for the whole bus ride.) Since the weather is getting nicer you can stash a book under the stroller and go for a walk. Then when he falls asleep, stop and sit down and read your book for awhile. The beauty of this is that it's enforced leisure time for you while he sleeps.

The other idea would be to have him fall asleep lying next to you on the bed. Then you can either sleep, too, or just roll away. (There's no law that says he has to take a nap in his crib, and I know plenty of kids who slept easily in cribs at night who slept much better during the day in their parents' beds or other locations.) Just make sure that once he's crawling you have either a low bed or some kind of barrier so he can't crawl off when he wakes up, or that you teach him to back safely down off the bed ASAP.

I think trying to replicate nighttime sleep conditions during the day is backfiring on you. Try seeing what happens if naptime is totally different from bedtime, with a different routine and different light conditions, different clothing and different songs. He may not be falling asleep because he knows it's not bedtime.

Play around with these suggestions and see if any of them work for you. If it were me, I'd probably try nursing to sleep on the bed for the first nap and doing a stroller nap for the second nap. But I don't know if that works for your family. So try a few of these out and let me know how it goes.

Comments

[Cat, Galloping]

ooh, me too! me too! Gatito has always been a champion night time sleeper but had a difficult time with naps. For 3.5 months he napped only in my arms and would wake as soon as I put him down. Then we started being able to walk him to sleep, then put him in his crib, but that's no longer really working. Sometimes lately I feel like he needs to fuss it out a bit, but these days he keeps accidentally turning onto his stomach and being unable to either get comfortable or flip back.

I feel like he would really benefit from a routine of going down at the same times every day (since this works so well at night), but #1, he definitely still needs 3 naps/day so the 2/3/4 won't work for us and #2, since he does not nap for a consistent length of time (can be short or long but length of nap is not determined by time of day or how long he's been up or anything), I cannot figure out how to put a routine/schedule into place.

Either way, I imagine we have to wait until this flipping over problem is resolved?

[Moxie]

Cat, it's definitely the flipping. It might resolve itself once he's past the flipping stage.

[Anon]

6 months was when my kid got really into his crib thingie (the thing that you bolt onto the crib which lights up and plays music and has little moving animals). He's always been a fall-asleep-in-the-arms-and-wake-up-the-second-he-hits-the-mattress kind of kid and I found that if I put him down and immediately started the music, he'd focus on that, but be sleepy enough that watching it would put him back to sleep. Of course, sometimes it would backfire and he'd get all excited, but it works often enough that we use it a lot. He also got really into a lovey at 6ish months and would wake up long enough to grab his lovey and snuggle into it.

[Moxie]

Anon, that's an excellent suggestion. I'd totally forgotten about the musical lovey idea. We had a lamb with a music box in it, and when I'd nurse my second to sleep I'd snuggle the lamb between us with the music going. Then when I put him down without me I'd have the lamb playing on his chest and it would ease the transition from my arms to bed and he'd go back to sleep. Funny that I'd forgotten about that, as it was so important to sleep for a good 3-4 months. I don't even know where the lamb is now.

[Monica]

Is ten months too late to introduce a lovey? I've tried a couple of different soft toys, but she's taken to none of them (except for biting and throwing LOL).

I second the 2-3-4 schedule--for the most part, that's how Madam naps. Lately she's more resistant for the second nap, but still goes down fairly easily for the first.

We're still in nighttime sleep hell over here, though. She goes down easily enough after our routine, but then proceeds to wake about a zillion times. Or, you know, ten times.

[Holly]

Moxie – you’re awesome! I always feel better when I hear others tell about their “never-able-to-put-down, Velcro, baby. Something you can’t talk about in public! Our little Pie has been like that since day one! Mary Beth, I agree with Moxie, don’t beat yourself up now, for giving your baby what he and your husband needed then!
At first, our guy could just fall asleep in my arms, after nursing of course, anywhere. And as long as I held him (uggh), or was next to him in bed (more on this!) – he would sleep. Then it all changed! For a while I thought that maybe there was a mix-up at the hospital and Rosemary and I had switched babies! Thank goodness I read Moxie and tried the 2-3-4 nap thing. (I’m not really into scheduling babies, so I was hesitant, but he naturally went with it. Or maybe I’M the one who needed the routine!)
So now, those first 2 hours after waking are the BEST playtime! He can play a little on his own while I shower and dress (double time, of course). Then we play together. We have breakfast, do some morning stuff, read a book, and then play until his patience seems to run out, and he gets a little cranky. Time to go down for nap #1. We nurse and have a lullaby CD that helps signal sleep time. Sometimes we do the first nap on a walk in the stroller. Between nap #1 and #2 we run errands, eat, and play. Then, whammo, he gets cranky and we do the nap thing again. The afternoon nap has always been the longest, and his morning nap is getting shorter. I think you are right about the need for good naps to have good nights.
Okay, so here is MY issue. We co-sleep. I love it and I know it has helped me survive breastfeeding. (I’m 38 with my first child!) BUT, my baby will not stay asleep unless someone (mainly me) is next to him, or he is moving in the stroller, or moving in the car seat. While he usually sleeps fairly well, he will still sometimes startle, or pop open his eyes (as if in a panic) and, if I am not right there to pat him or (even nurse him sometimes!), well, it is “call Rosemary, I think I have her baby” time. I would love to be “free” for at least one nap a day! Is this, dare I say it, normal? Any suggestions?
But anyway, Mary Beth, don’t be scared. Try the 2-3-4 thing, it does help. And, hopefully, you feel will better knowing you are not the only one with a Velcro baby, and not the only one who feels like she may have created a problem by “holding” her baby to sleep.

[Melissa]

Oh, this was my story several months ago. My baby would only nap in a sling. It did involve some crying (but not CIO!) to get her into the crib, but now she's an excellent crib sleeper. We used the pick up/put down routine outlined in "The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems." I don't like much of the BW's philosophy but this method was useful.

Do whatever you would normally do to get the baby down, and when she starts crying, pick her up. When she stops crying, put her down. Rinse and repeat. This is exhausting at first and sometimes you spend more time on the PU/PD than actual naptime, but after a while we could just put her in the crib and she would roll over and go to sleep. I liked this method because I didn't want her to cry without me, but I had to get some alone time or I was going to go insane.

[Amy]

It took a variety of things to get the nap-in-crib thing worked out for us too. Most of what worked for us have been mentioned already except this - try switching to a flannel sheet. My daughter hates to be cold or even cool, and I've found that the change in temperature from my body to her mattress can sometimes be enough to rouse her.

Every so often I think we've moved beyond this and I switch back to a regular sheet (or because my laundry habits require it), and dagnabbit if she doesn't sleep terrible on it. Like right now. And she's two. Sheesh.

[MoMo]

We went from napping on my lap to napping next to me in bed to napping in the crib. It wasn't a completely smooth transition, but it did help ease my son into napping on his own. The 2-3-4 rule was the most important piece of advice I received - it worked so well for us. As my son got older, we tweaked it a bit, but it rarely failed us. Also, I know many people say white noise makers are a waste, but my son is a very light sleeper so it's been a lifesaver for us.

[aca_y_alla]

I tried to look up something on your site today while at work, and the computer gurus have blocked it as "pornography." What??? Maybe I should write an appeal...

[ValleyGal]

I'm with Amy P. -- experiment with sheets, too! Mine always wakes up the second he hits a regular cotton sheet, but he snuggles right into a jersey knit (like a t-shirt) sheets (it's too hot for flannel here). I think it helps when the sheets feel like the t-shirts I wear...

[Roasted Squid]

Sounds like my son! Except that we used to have to dance around to disco to get him to fall asleep. And then he had to stay ON TOP OF US for the entire duration of the nap (rarely longer than an hour). Any attempt to put him in the crib, slide him off us onto the bed worked only 10% of the time. He would do this two or three or four times a day UNTIL HE WAS 14 MONTHS OLD. Funny thing was (1) 95% of the time he would go down without a fuss at night, in his crib. (2) Same routing for naps did not work. (3) He slept great in the pak and play at daycare.

We made various attempts to leave him in the crib to cry it out for naps both with us next to him and leaving the room. Trying to get him to sleep next to us. Lovey, EVERYTHING. The attempt would end in disaster and we'd all be frustrated.

At around 14 months, we made another attempt at crying it out in his crib and MAGICALLY there was no more crying. It was a miracle. Really. I put him in the crib with a bottle (that's another problem I'll deal with later), walked out the room and did not hear a peep from him for the next 3 hours.

So agree with Moxie that sometimes, when they are ready, they are ready.

[Mary Beth]

Thanks, everyone, for your feedback and input. It's particularly nice knowing that I'm not the only one with this problem. My husband read this post and comments and is working with 2-3-4 right now. We're still too early in the game to see how that's going to work out, but he's giving it a shot. It's also nice to know that it will get better eventually. I tend to be a little on the perfectionist side (understatement), so if something isn't working exactly the way I want it to when I want it to, I interpret it as failure on my part. So I'm glad to know this has very little to do with me and a lot to do with my kid.

Moxie et al.--thanks much!

[Lynn]

Hi,

My son is now 13 months old and I remember going through the same issues at 6 months, and talking to other moms who did at 6 months too! I am posting to add a bit about what to look out for next, and a mistake that I made.

We had put Alex down for naps and bedtime awake in his crib from the very beginning and he had generally been a pretty good sleeper. But around 6 months, the naps seemed ok but Alex would be very tired in the evenings then started waking 3 or 4 times a night, refusing to go back to sleep without nursing (2 feedings a night had been normal). A friend recommended a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (I know from reading this site for a bit that lots of you will object to the approaches in the book, but it can still be informative about what to try, regardless of how you decide to try it. Anyhoo...). Alex had been seeming to be ready to move to 2 naps a day but I had dropped the wrong nap! I thought it made sense to drop the middle nap (dunno why I thought so, I must have made that up on my own!). After reading the book, I got Alex back on naps at around 9 and 1 and my happy good-sleeper returned.

Moxie said, "as soon as you start to feel cocky or smug about how your kid's sleeping, it'll come back to bite you in the keister and your kid will stop sleeping." Well, gotta' admit, that's where we are today. I had just told the pediatrician about Alex's 2 2-hour naps a day and sleeping 8pm-7am overnight, and bam! crappy naps and night fussing, thanks to teething, daycare only giving him one nap a day, and visits from relatives to make things exciting. Hopefully we'll be back on track soon, and if not, maybe Alex is getting ready to go to one nap a day.

Thanks for the blog -- I feel like I have learned a lot that I might share, but don't have the writing skills to do it. I really enjoy reading about and learning from everyone else's experiences.

[Lynn]

me again -- I just recalled that when I messed up the nap schedule, Alex's naps had not been ok. The morning nap was fine, but he never really slept during the afternoon nap, that turned out to be the one that should have been dropped.