Q&A: "spoiled" 2-year-old?

Carla writes:

"OK, I don't want to overreact since it is my first time at this (my only child is a 2 year old girl).  But there have been some comments from relatives that my daughter is spoiled and that I over-indulge her.  I feel like I am strict where it makes sense to be strict with a 2 year old, that she is just 2 and will act like it at times and there is only so much you can do.  So I'm looking for a sanity check.  Over all, I think she is a happy, cheerful, busy girl, but there are a few things that have come up recently.

1. She is a very picky eater.  This has gotten worse in the last 3-6 months.  Sometimes she barely eats all day.  I don't give her milk with meals but if she asks for milk 30 minutes after a meal, I give it to her.  Am I spoiling her?  Should I provide 3 squares and 3 snacks, and that's it?  (I would feel like a prison guard enforcing such a rule but maybe I should.) Should I make her sit at the table until she has eaten a pre-determined amount?  She seems to young for that to me but maybe I am wrong.  And it seems to me pointless to battle over food (can I really force her to eat?) but again, maybe I am wrong.

2. She is big on the "mine" and "no" these days.  I try to let her have something when it doesn't matter (sure, feed Elmo a cracker) to avoid saying "no" all day long.  But if it is unsafe or means a lot to me, I definitely don't fold.  She has little tantrums and I just ignore it, they seem to me a normal 2 year old thing to do.  But should I act more strict when she has a tantrum?  (E.g., tell her "no tantrums!" in a big voice or something like that, give her a time-out, etc.)  Should I give up the pretense of letting her have her way?  A lot of times I phrase something as a question -- should I cut up that sandwich for you?  Some family members say I am over-catering to her.  But I am going to cut up the sandwich regardless, what does it hurt for her to feel like it was her choice?

3. She is constantly interrupting me when I am talking to other adults. I don't particularly care for this, but I feel my attempts at saying "Mommy is talking to X right now, you need to wait a minute," are like talking to a brick wall.  It even eggs her on more -- she says "Mommy no talk to X!"   I can just feel the person I am talking to disapproving of her as she does this.

4. Lastly -- the big one -- she is not big on hugging/kissing/being sweet to other adults when asked, and I am her clear favorite.  Like "give Grandma a hug" or "give Daddy a kiss."  She usually says "no."  I try to encourage it but really, how do you force anyone, even a 2 year old, to kiss someone they don't want to?  I talk about how much we love Grandma/Daddy (this one especially), and I give hugs/kisses, but I don't like forcing.  But the relatives, obviously, dislike this behavior, and I do wish she was nicer to them.

I spend a lot of time with her but not all the time -- I work 3 days per week so she has a babysitter those days, plus she goes to day care at the gym a few times a week for an hour or two each time.  Am I spoiling her?  Do I give her too much attention?  Should she be less of a mommy's girl at this point?  I don't want to be over-sensitive but when someone says she is "spoiled" it really raises my hackles. 

What do you think?"

I don't think she's spoiled at all. I think she's 2.

When I got this question I knew it would be perfect for the site because it's so universal. Your 2-year-old sounds like almost every 2-year-old I've ever met, and your list is like a Two-Year-Old's Greatest Hits.

Let's just go in order.

1. She may not be hungry, she may be trying to exert control, she may just not want to stop to eat. Whichever one (or combo of all of these) it is, trying to crack down is only going to make you nuts and make a lot more work for you, and it probably won't work anyway. At every meal, make sure you're offering a variety of nutritious options, but let her choose to eat what she wants from within that. Some families only allow what's been made for the meal (my grandmother always said that if we didn't like what she made, "go bump your head") and if you don't eat it, that's it. Other families have one (and only one) alternative meal allowed (I'm one of those, and our alternative is peanut butter and honey on multi-grain bread) that requires virtually no prep and is still nutritious. Decide which way you want to go (bump your head vs. one standard alternative), and then don't worry about it. Just offer dinner and then stick with your plan if she won't eat it. Don't get frustrated or take it personally.

Snacks are a great way to sneak in nutrition. Some kids don't seem to realize that they're eating healthily if it's in a snack and not a meal. They'll eat baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, grapes, cucumber rounds, sliced bell peppers, broccoli dipped in hummus, etc. as long as it's a snack. Figure out if there's something healthy she'll usually eat, and offer that as a snack.

2. It sounds to me like you're doing exactly the right thing with regard to tantrums. If you're solid on the things you won't allow (or require) then let the other things go. As enraging annoying as tantrums are, they're really the only way little people with limited verbal skills can express their emotions. Forbidding a kid to have a tantrum is like saying "You're not allowed to have or express your feelings." That doesn't mean that you give in, just that you allow the child to have her own feelings.

One technique many parents use is helping the kid verbalize the feelings, expressing sympathy, reiterating that the kid can't do what s/he wants, and offering an alternative. For example, "You must feel so angry that we can't go to the park. I'm sorry you feel so angry, sweetie. We can't go to the park now, but would you like to go tomorrow morning?" It's not going to stop every tantrum short, but it sets up a pattern of letting the child know that his or her feelings are heard, but tantrums won't change the outcome, but that there's room to come up with a mutually agreeable alternative.

When a child is really worked up, you can ask "Do you want me to hug you, or do you want to be alone until you feel better?" Some kids need the physical touch of a hug, while others really just need to be left alone to calm down. You know your kid well enough to know what's going to help them process the feelings and feel better. But if you ask the child what s/he wants in that moment, it can give the kid a way to save a little face while also calming down.

Giving choices is a great technique. Just make sure you're equally OK with both answers! "Do you want me to cut your sandwich?" is a good question only if you're OK if the answer is "No." (And I think we've all been bitten in the ass by answers like that.) Otherwise, you might want to reform the question into "Do you want me to cut your sandwich into squares or triangles?" It still maintains the choice, but the sandwich is getting cut either way.

3. I was talking to a friend the other day about the fact that you wrote in about interrupting. I was laughing, saying that mine hadn't stopped interrupting yet at 4, and she started laughing because her son is 5 and still interrupts. Yes, by age 4 or 5 they can back off once they're reminded that interrupting isn't polite, but the urge to interrupt is still there. IMO the only thing to do is just to calmly remind her not to interrupt and that you'll be with her in a minute, every time it happens. It's not going to work, but you have to keep reinforcing it anyway.

4. She may be going through the second clingy/stranger anxiety phase that happens right around 2. Everyone gets all excited about the one at around 9 months, but they forget all about the 2-year-old one. Or they think kids should be "beyond" clinginess and should just be forced to go to other people. I disagree, but you guessed that:). Kids who are forced to go physically to adults when they don't want to could be kids who end up ignoring their own instincts about who's safe and who isn't later on.

She may also just be exerting control over her own body by only going to certain people. If she's going to dig in her heels about controlling her own body, better refusing to kiss Daddy than, say, pooping on the couch, I guess. (I also think rejecting your husband and clinging to you is totally typical, and will probably flip-flop in the next few months and she'll want him all the time and reject you.)

Again, though, it goes with the letting your child trust her own instincts. You know there's nothing wrong with Grandma, but if there's something that strikes your daughter strangely about her at that moment, then your daughter needs to not be forced to kiss her. The challenge then becomes how to create the illusion that your daughter isn't rejecting your relatives. Maybe you could get her to draw some pictures, and then at the time that she'd be expected to kiss, you could give them the pictures instead. Or you could teach her to blow a kiss, and then make a big deal about how cute that is, so your relatives will want to get in on the blowing kisses thing.

My guess is that your family members may be looking at the theme of raising children differently from the way you look at it. It sounds like your core value is raising a child who makes good decisions. With that in mind, you give her enough room to practice making choices in a safe environment, but also reinforce to her that her opinions and feelings matter. If your family members have the core value of raising an obedient child, then they see no value in allowing her to practice making choices or giving her feedback about her feelings. They can't approve of the choices you give her, because the big picture you see just makes no sense to them. (And it's probably hard for you to get where they're coming from because you're not feeling the obedience thing.) There's no right or wrong point of view, but it gets sticky if you all don't see things the same way. Once you can see exactly where the mismatch is you can evaluate their assessments more objectively.

It sounds to me like she's totally normal, and you're in a really good place about the challenges of this age. Don't let anyone tell you she's spoiled, because you sound waaaay more focused at this point than many moms of 2-year-olds are.

Comments

[Maria]

Thank you SO much for this reminder of the reality of 2ness! Although I know my kid is acting normally and age-appropriately, it can be so easy to get nervous and worry she's spoiled, backwards, etc. We've got this whole list covered, and it's nice to know I've got company.

[wix]

Carla, your 2er and my almost-2er sound like they're performing in the same show, and you and me (and my husband) are handling the behavior in the same manner, for what it's worth. We don't have any relatives underfoot to disapprove/criticize our tactics, so that hasn't been an issue for us, but otherwise we've got very similar situations. Which is all just to say that you're not alone.

[Megan]

Carla, your description of your 2 year old daughter could have been a description of my almost 3 year old about 6 months ago. Many of these issues have improved greatly. One thing I'll add, that someone told me is that which foods a 2 year old puts in their mouth and eats is the only thing that they can really control in their lives. We decide when they sleep and play, where they go, who they see, what they watch etc. etc. So I would always give her choices when it came to food, similar to what Moxie suggested.

[Amy]

This post made me chuckle -- when my oldest (now almost 5) was 2, we questioned all of these same things. With my younger one (now 25 months), we really just chalk it up to being two. Good example -- if you serve her a cut-up hot dog, she has a FIT. But if you put a whole hot dog on her plate, she will turn to you and say "cut, please." She wants it cut, but wants to be the one who directs that. I don't think that is spoiled, I think that is allowing her to feel that she has some control over her life and about how/what goes into her body. Perfectly legit in my book.

You got some great advice from Moxie. For what its worth, my general rule of thumb with both of my kids is whenever possible to give them choices, let them "help" with what I am doing to the best of their abilities, ignore tantrums/whining/crying fits if possible, and enforce that bedtime and certain manners (please, thank you, etc.) are non-negotiable. They are both happy and well-adjusted kids, so I think those rules are serving us just fine!

[K.]

There's so much packed into this one question, but I wanted to comment on the Interrupting. My most beloved nephew, who is now 10, is an interrupter. But my sister, who is a very loving and lenient mom, taught him that he had to say "Excuse me" in order to interrupt. Now what this turned into is "Excuse me..excuse me...excuse me, I have something to say...excuse me Mom I need something...excuse me...excuse me..." He was Very Persistent. But I'll tell you the truth: it worked. The politeness was charming enough in a 5-year-old that it bought him the good will to be excused for the interruption. Which really is the point behind the words "Excuse me."

[HollyRhea]

Egads, Moxie, thanks for posting this! My girl is only 11 months right now, but I can sense her, um, vivaciousness will bring us to this exact road one day. Of all the things about parenting to be fearful of, I'm terrified of when/how to discipline. Thanks for the clarity.

[Katie]

My now three and a half year old had that phase (and still does). To add to your bag of tricks: at her preschool they let each child dish up their own meal so they can pick the amount; the rule in our house is you have to eat as many bites as years old you are.

[Foster]

Question: This one occured to me when I saw the new flavor of Uncrustables sandwiches, and now I see it again in your post: Why do people that eat healthier make peanut butter and honey sandwiches instead of peanut butter and jam/jelly/preserves sandwiches? Both have/are sugar. Plz explain.

[Moxie]

I have no idea, Foster. My son doesn't like jam or jelly, but he likes honey. That's why we do it. Honey kind of shkeeves me, so I won't eat PB&H, but will eat PB&J.

The only remotely more healthy thing I can think of is that jam/jelly has processed white sugar, while honey doesn't. Or that if you use locally-made honey it can help alleviate pollen allergies.

But that's all I've got.

[Evan]

Great site, and a great set of answers to Carla's questions. (By the way, Carla, your 2-year-old sounds perfectly normal and much like my own 27-month-old.)

I wanted to point out two things:

1) Honey is terrific for a two-year-old, but should never be given to a child less than a year old, due to the risk of Infant Botulism.

http://www.drgreene.com/21_825.html
http://askdrsears.com/faq/fit17.asp

2) A toddler's food intake is better judged per week rather than per day--if your toddler seems to eat very little a couple days in a row, odds are good she will eat a bunch (for someone her size) at least a few days per week. Just relax about how much she eats and provide healthy choices. Here's a great article from askdrsears.com:

http://askdrsears.com/html/3/T030800.asp

[Tabetha]

I agree with everythin Moxie said about 2 year olds. I would like to comment on the tantrums. I ignored the tantrums of my son when he was 2, but now that he is almost 3, his tantrums can last way longer and make it quite difficult to ignore. About 6 months ago, we told him that tantrums must be done in his room. When he falls out in the floor in protest, we send him to his room, and if he won't go, we carry him there. It did not take him long to realize that as soon as he stopped crying, he could come out. Now we send him to his room, and he stays there less than a minute. It's no fun to throw a tantrum when nobody is there to witness it!!

[China Blake]

I just wanted to give a minor shout-out for the swell article about the two year-old. I felt like I was right there with ya. We have an almost three year-old boy. Same story. It's not a pleasant moment when you realize you've crossed into that zone where dining out is akin to playing the lottery. It could go well. Then again, maybe not. Living with these small cave-people is a wonderful thing. Hilarious, in fact. It is not, however, predictable. There are so many things to worry about in the wild and wacky world of child-raisin', my philosophy increasingly leans toward "Why Sweat the Small Stuff?" I thought Moxie's advice was sound, empathetic and constructive. Kudos to you. Always makes me happy that there are people like you in the world.