Q&A: again with the toddler not eating

Someone who didn't leave her name writes:

"I have a 20 month old who will not eat anything if it is not a cracker, chip, or cookie.  There is the occasional mashed potato that he will eat.  Other than that good luck.  We have been having this problem with him for about a year now.  When it was time for him to start eating chunkier foods he wouldn't, then he stopped eating the smoother foods altogether until he was just drinking milk and eating crackers every now and then.  While in the grocery store one day I saw the Gerber veggie and fruit puffs.  He loved those he would eat them all the time.  Then all he would eat were crackers; goldfish cheez-its, Ritz, if it was a cracker he ate it. I was never too concerned because he's been in the 50-75% for weight since birth.  Now that I'm home with him and my husband works I really see how he isn't eating food.  For the last 4 days I have started his day with some hot cereal for breakfast.  He hasn't eaten it yet but I make a habit of sitting there for 5 min. to see if he will eat it. Know the other night I was able to hide a whole meal in his mashed potatoes.  I mashed up some chicken and put in some peas and carrots.  I had the lights down so he couldn't really see the veggies and he ate the whole bowl.  It was great to see him eat I know he felt better.  But what can I do for breakfast and lunch I don't have the patient to make mashed potatoes all day long.  Help!!!"

What is with these kids? Seriously. They chug-a-lug for the first year, and then ingest almost nothing for the next few years, driving us crazy in the process. It's like some highly-organized plot that they all catch wind of as they pass each other in the pediatrician's office.

This eating question comes up again and again in my mailbox, and I always give the same answer:
Don't worry about it. Unless your child has an actual metabolic disorder, s/he won't allow herself/himself to starve. And unless your child will never eat anything that isn't smooth, s/he doesn't have any kind of issue with texture that would require intervention*.

The refusing to eat is all about control. Kids that age can't control much, but they can control what they eat or don't eat. So they exercise that control.

I would try to stop caring, if I were you. I don't mean stop making food or stop providing nutritious choices, but instead stop being emotionally invested in whether he eats or not, and definitely don't let yourself fall into the trap of taking it personally or thinking it's your fault he's not eating. There is no magic meal that he'll devour consistently. (Besides French fries and ice cream, of course.)

In reading your particular case, the only thing I'd try to change is getting a little more protein and some more vegetables into him. Hiding them in the mashed potatoes is a great idea, although, as you say, it's a little tedious making mashed potatoes all the time. Will he eat muffins or pancakes instead? You could make muffin or pancake batter and keep it in the refrigerator for when you need to use it. Or you can make up half a dozen muffins or pancakes and then just hand them out to him over the course of the next couple of days. (Kids will eat room-temperature muffins, but who would eat cold mashed potatoes? Ick.) Muffins and pancakes travel well.

Other than that, I'd just try to let him graze. Sometimes they don't realize they're eating food if they eat a little bit here and there as they're playing. You can leave a plate with some cubes of cheese, cut vegetables (cucumber, slightly-cooked carrot, zucchini, bell pepper), and/or cut fruits (cut melon, apple, segments of orange) sitting on a coffee table near where he plays to see if he'll just eat some when there's no pressure.

If he watches TV or videos, make sure he's sitting in his high chair while he watches them, and put some nutritious food in front of him. He may eat a bunch of things he'd normally refuse, just because he's too engrossed in the video.

If you think he's really not getting enough nutrition, make sure he takes vitamins (not the gummy kind) just to make sure you've got his basic vitamin and mineral needs covered.

At our house the food wrangling is just starting to ease now that my son is over 4 years old. I think most kids go through some form or another of this resistance to eating the food we want them to. As long as we're still offering nutritious choices, what our kids actually eat is not a reflection of us as parents but instead a function of how much control our kids want to exercise over their own bodies.

I do think that parents with kids who don't eat a big variety of foods need to make sure that our kids get a lot of running-around time to make sure that they don't end up as carb-addicted couch potatoes. (Has anyone been kind of baffled at that "Honey, We're Killing the Kids" show? How do these parents think it's fine for the kids not to move around every day?)

Good luck. It sounds like your son has a healthy will!

* I don't know about where you live, but in NYC the doctors are very proactive about referring kids to Early Intervention for any speech, physical, or developmental delays. Whenever I hear someone mention "intervention," I always imagine all the other babies in the playgroup coming and gathering around the baby, saying, "We've been worried about you for a long time. You're always late to playgroup, you never play with your teddy bear anymore, and you won't even eat mashed carrots. We love you. Please let us get you help."

Comments

[wix writes the longest response ever!]

the whole meal being hidden in the mashed potatoes is great!

i do have a question for the OP: where is your son eating? does he sit alone at a big table in his high chair? or do you all eat together? does he sit at a child-sized table of his own, in a child-sized chair? do you have the TV on, or any other distraction, while he is/you are eating?

CX eats best either with all of us eating together, or with one of us sitting with him while he eats, or at his own table. we're not big on TV for him anyway, and i am particularly strict about no TV during meals (which doesn't mean no nothin', we're usually playing music). it also helps if we're eating the same thing, so if he has two spoons to hold i can usually sneak some off of my plate and into his mouth.

one thing our pediatrician told us was to not offer a revolving tray of food at each meal, to give him a variety of things (3-5) and not offer any alternatives if he refuses them, even if that meant he barely ate much at one meal and we left out the leftovers on his little table so that he could graze. so far, it's working more often than not.

here are some foods that CX likes almost all the time:

-veggie booty

-cheese booty

-late january (i think...) cheese & crackers (haven't tried the peanut butter version yet)

-bernie Os

-amy's 'bites', all of them (even the spinach/feta style)

-cheese pizza (i make it homemade, using a whole wheat crust recipe, sauce with minimal sugar/salt)

-baked beans (this is one where i have to turn a blind eye to the sugary nature of the dish; this is definitely a last-ditch effort to get some protein in the kid)

-mini quiches (whole foods sells a 3-variety pack, he refuses the mushroom but likes the other two)

he also likes what he calls "dippits", which is mostly pita slices with hummus, or chicken bites (we get the applegate farms nuggets), and eeeevery once in a while a steamed vegetable, dipped in a yogurt sauce or a garlic dip (he'll say "hot!" at the spice and keep on dipping).

mostly we have to hide our veggies/protein in something else, too. and though he took his vitamins like a champ for months, he went on strike 2 months ago and now just flatly refuses them.

you might go the ovaltine route if he won't drink milk otherwise (if he can and will drink plain milk, for the love of mike do not introduce chocolate or malted milk to him or you will live to regret it, as i have).

whole foods' mozzarella sticks are closer in texture to fresh mozzarealla, so if you can get those, it might be a good compromise. i don't like the typical string cheese sticks that you can get most anywhere else, because they're just too tough and salty.

[K.]

I'm coming to wonder whether this is some kind of - don't laugh - evolutionary programming. I can't think of any research I might turn to, but there are a couple of possible explanations besides the psychological/control theory.

1) Biological/exposure: real research does show that children exposed in utero to a variety of foods are less likely to be picky eaters. That study just came out a few months ago. 2) Self-protection: For the first several years that children are first eating solid foods, their natural curiousity and novelty-seeking are suppressed to protect them from toxic foods. Adventurous little ones who wanted to try lots of different leaves and berries became victims of natural selection. 3) Adaptation to famine: Perhaps toddlers are specially adapted to not eating much to help them cope with periods of scarcity. After 12-18 months, mother's milk supplies may dwindle, especially if she gets pregnant again, and toddler really shouldn't be eating all those toxic leaves and berries that look so delicious, so the appestat naturally ratchets down.

Another possibility is just that evolutionarily, toddlers should still be primarily breastfeeding, so large appetites for solid/colorful foods are unnecessary.

Lastly, homeopathy can help if a child's eating habit become particularly obsessive/odd. For example, eating chalk/dirt/other inedible things is a keynote symptom of a classic childhood remedy. As is desire for bacon or lemonade.

[Meira]

Thanks for the confirmation, Moxie! The twins are refusing lots of stuff these days, and I was telling myself that babies seem to stop eating around 12 months, but Spouse didn't remember and I thought I'd made it up.

Damn, it's annoying, though.

[laura]

re: the grazing suggestion...

My Sara gets most of her vegetables and almost all the new things she tries while she is standing on a stool "helping" us cook. She always wants to try everything then and she will often eat a whole cup of chopped broccoli, for instance, while I am mixing up a casserole.

Since she is 3 and a half, and we are feeling she is less a baby than even a month ago, we are transitioning to the "eat the same dinner or have a PBJ" routine. The primary difference for us will be that-- if we are having fritatta, she is having it (and not a hot dog.) We eat very healthfully due to Weight Watchers, and we want her to benefit from this as well.

It is a hugely annoying issue though!

[Julie]

Uh-oh, what's wrong with the gummy vitamins? My toddler loves those, and I was so excited to have such an easy way to get her to take her vitamins!

[CathyY]

I second the success of a toddler being more open to trying new foods when they're watching the cooking first-hand. My daughter loves to hang out on my hip and watch me cook... she can't wait for a sample while on my hip and has yet to really refuse anything. The leftovers don't always go over so well! Further proof that it tastes better from the hip. :)

[Moxie]

Julie, there *may* be something odd about the way gummy vitamins are produced that makes some of the toxin byproducts of the process end up in the vitamins themselves. The vitamins companies are saying no, independent labs are testing and retesting to see if they can figure out if it's really happening or not. I wouldn't freak out about it because it may end up being nothing, but if you can get her to do the regular chewables I'd try to switch to those just in case.

[Carla Hinkle]

One thing to watch is milk intake -- I have been letting my 2 yo daughter go crazy on the milk and hence she often is not hungry for real food. Then it is a vicious circle b/c she gets hungry before meal/snack time again, and wants more milk.

So I am cutting back on the milk stealth-style -- watering it down so each glass is 1/3 milk, 2/3 water -- to see if it will help her eating.

Otherwise hang in there, these kids who won't eat just drive us crazy!!!

[meghan]

A question, dear Moxie and gentle readers... When your kid does has an actual metabolic disorder and is starting the whole 'I'm a picky toddler' thing, how do you not flip out about it?

Lots of these comments are very helpful ideas that I know I will use, but the problem has a whole other side to it when it is, essentially, a life-or-death thing.

[Tara]

To get protein in my daughter I give her chocolate pudding!! Such an awesome con!

Buy the instant chocolate pudding mix...I get the sugar/fat free but you can use the regular. Then go but a jar of chocolate whey protein (I use the ON brand I get it at GNC) for the small package of pudding mix one cup of milk with two scoops of whey and mix it up well then add the pudding mix to that until thick, pour it in to little portion cups and let it chill. DELISH!!

Make a lot you will like it too!!

[Moxie]

Meghan, I guess you'd have to just be as flexible as you can within your parameters. I know zilch about metabolic disorders, but I'm guessing that you have eating requirements that you have to follow (some kind of list of what you can and can't eat, and how much you need). If there's any leeway within that, I'd give as much as I could so the kid could still have the illusion of some control.

Does that make sense for your situation? Or am I totally off the mark?

[alice]

Henry is down to maybe 5 or 6 different foods, and they're all sweet. Most of them are nutritious--yogurt, fruit--but still, sugar is sugar, and, hmm, his behavior has been mildly horrendous lately. Poor kid's probably on a blood-sugar rollercoaster ride, but he won't get off it, no matter how I try.

He's turning four in November, Moxie, and if things don't change by then I'm turning him over to you.

[Lisa V]

Ha Ha Ha intervention. Do you suppose they have to trick the baby to get them there?

[meghan]

It's actually the other side of the coin - he can eat whatever he wants, he just has to eat. I suppose he could skip lunch without serious repercussions, but breakfast or dinner would be too long. (Short, unsciency reason why is that Cole's body can't turn stored energy into energy. So, if he goes too long without eating, he will simply and literally have no fuel. No fuel = metabolic crisis, decompensation to potential coma or worse.)

When you can't say "If you're not going to eat you yogurt, you're just going to have to wait until lunch" and hope he gets hungry, and when you can't just string along a pile of snacks throughout the day since he really needs to consume a certain amount of calories, what's a girl to do?

We haven't hit the hard core not eating yet (he's only 13.5 mo), but I know we'll be there soon enough! I blogged about this a little bit this morning, about walking that fine line between keeping him healthy and giving him a complex about food.

[Tabetha]

Check out this web site on "tricking" your kids into eating (or drinking) healthy foods.

http://www.parenthacks.com/2006/04/pasta_and_juice.html

[Melis]

I'm one of those parents who are training to not care about quantity. Having grown up in a house where it was all about "clean plate" this and "starving kids" that, you'd think I wouldn't be trying to force my kid to eat. But every now and then, I do. *eek*

Our little man loves cheesy things-crackers in particular. I try to tell myself "at least they are baked. At least he's not into sugary things." We do a lot of fruits and veggies here, although Little Man is a carboholic if ever there was one which is good since he's just rounding the 18 month corner and is full speed with running, climbing and dancing. The kid needs fuel and we give it to him whenever he asks. Daycare doesn't do a whole lot with snacks but since he's only there for 5 hours (in the morning) and is playing and learning non-stop that whole time, I don't really worry.

Favorites include: those little bananas (personal sized, just for him), cheesy crackers (Cheezits) and "fish", mozz/cheddar sticks, and dry Kashi Healthy Heart cereal. Long before he was born, we could find Pirate Booty everywhere but now not so much. I need to call Wild Oats and if they don't have it, Whole Foods (we *just* got one).

[el-e-e]

Right on, whoever said decrease the milk intake. I find, too, that water or juice after about 5pm means dinner's a no go. (22 month old) You know how when you're dieting they tell you to drink a big glass of cold water before a meal 'cause you won't eat as much? Same idea.

I try really hard to "not care." Easier said than done! Sometimes it's very funny, though -- the kid will refuse to eat if I'm sitting there, but the minute I leave to go clean up the kitchen, I'll sneak a glance at him and he's investigating the food. So I do think it's ALL about them wanting control. :)