Q&A: toddler with a pacifier

Dorie writes:

"I have a 16 month-old daughter and I am thinking about weaning her from her pacifier. She only uses it when she’s sleeping, maybe on long car rides, and if she’s teething or doesn’t feel well. The rest of the time she’s fine without it. The only advice I can find about this pertains to infants who awaken during the night and cry for their pacifiers. Is it hurting anything to continue letting her use it? Do you think it will be easier to take it away now or later? Also, any idea how I should go about doing this? I'm hoping you have experience with this."

Time for full disclosure here: I sucked my thumb until I was, um, 11. Years. 11 years old.

My mom figured if I was having my emotional needs met, then I must just need to suck, and she shouldn't try to stop me. I weaned myself from nursing, but kept on sucking my thumb. When I went to school I figured out immediately not to do it front of other kids, so I only did it at night before I went to bed. My teeth were fine (until a genetic tooth size problem that my brother, mother, and two cousins--none of whom sucked their thumbs--also have caught up with me and I got braces last year) and I never had any anxiety-related problems or other issues. FWIW, my orthodontist (who is quite well-respected) says that she doesn't think pacifier use or thumb-sucking does anything to your teeth unless you're doing them for hours each day.

My first son used one from 3 months to 8 months, and my "technique" for taking it away was that I forgot to bring any when we went on vacation and by the time I had a chance to get out to buy a new one he'd forgotten about them. (I highly recommend ineptness as a parenting technique.)

So my answer to you is that you should take it away if you want to, but if you don't feel the need to now, don't worry about it. It sounds like your daughter has a pretty good handle on her own emotional limits and uses it only when she really needs it, so you're not going to have that "4-year-old with a pacifier in her mouth constantly so you can't understand what she's saying" syndrome anyway. A 16-month-old is still a baby, and I'm guessing that having the "home base" of the pacifier is probably a good disciplinary tool to help her calm down so things don't devolve into bad situations when she's overtired or feeling crappy.

I don't know anyone who got rid of the pacifer at that age without a fight. It seems like it's easier to do earlier (when you substitute something else) or once the kid is 2 to 3 years old. There are two techniques for giving up pacifiers after the age of 2 that have worked well. The first is to let the kid buy something s/he really wants with the pacifiers. You call the store ahead of time and give your credit card number (or make other arrangements for payment), then the kid comes in with a bag full of all his or her pacifiers, and gives them to the clerk to pay for a new Thomas set or dollhouse or whatever. Then later if the kid asks for a pacifier, you can remind the kid that they bought the new toy with them, and if they want the pacifiers back they have to return the toy.

The other technique requires knowing someone who's having or adopting a baby. You tell your child that the new baby needs pacifiers to suck, and big girls/boys don't need pacifiers, so let's give your pacifiers to the new baby who needs them. It might take a few days of negotiation and discussion to get the child to agree to give the pacifiers. Then you wrap up the pacifiers as presents, and give them to the new baby (obviously the new baby's parents need to know ahead of time that you're giving a bunch of used, toddler-sized pacifiers!). If the child asks for the pacifiers later, reinforce what a loving gift it was to give the pacifiers to a baby who needs them, since your child is a big kid who doesn't anymore.

Both of these methods recognize that pacifiers aren't just physical tools, but are also emotional comforts that kids grow out of. Giving them to younger babies or using them to buy a new toy are ways of marking the passage from baby to "big kid" and give your child a measure of control over quitting that are more respectful than just saying "no more pacifiers!" and taking them away. I don't know if there's an easy way to do that with a kid under 21 or so months, and to me it doesn't seem worth it to jump through a bunch of hoops to get rid of a pacifier (the way it would to do something like nightweaning, which has an actual effect on the mother's emotional and physical state).

The bottom line is that for me, it wouldn't be worth it to try to take away the pacifier right now, and I'd rather not lose that tool in the anti-tantrum arsenal. It seems like one of those parenting issues that people get all het up about, but really, doesn't everyone with a 16-month-old have bigger fish to fry? But if it's just really nagging at you and you're dying to get rid of it, give it a try and see what happens. If it works, let us know and I'll post your results.

Comments

[Tara]

My daughter still had hers when she turned 3. It was mostly at night when sleeping or when upset etc. One day she had a stuffed nose, now we all know pacifiers and stuffed noses do not work together. I had wanted to get rid of it anyway so I told her Swiper swiped it! So she told people for weeks that Swiper swiped her ginky and it was in the lost city!!! I was so proud of myself for scamming her like that!

[Nopenname]

If there is some sort of age limit you believe you'd like your child weaned from something. Once they can understand starting in with the "When you're so and so age and a BIG kid, you won't need your pacifier/crib/bottle whatnot"

It's how I got my kid to give up the paci (though she did it before the age I told her I think because we talked about how not having it made her a big kid), it's how I got her to give up that one bottle before bed at about 16 months, it's how I'm currently trying to transition her from sleeping on the toddler mattress in a tent we bought her (I wouldn't want to give up the tent either) into a bunk bed.

Every now and then she'll tell people when she's a big girl and three she'll have a big girl bed with cinderella sheets and blankies.

Heck, she even tells people when she's a "lady" she will get to shave her legs...heh, that's more to get her to stop asking me to shave her legs when we're in the shower.

[Mary]

My older daughter was very attached to her pacis. She sucked on one and held one to her nose because she liked the smell. At a certain point, before she was two, pacis were only for bed or in the car, because they would have been in constantly if it were up to her.

She gave up her pacis at three-and-a-half. We talked up three, she'd be a big girl then, blah blah blah. But when it came time to do it, it just seemed too hard on her. She was too upset. So we kept talking about it, and she finally decided she was ready. When I was a little girl, I gave my pluggy to the "poor children." So that is what my daughter did, too. She packed it up in a box, decorated the box and we "mailed" it to the "poor children" who don't have their own pacis. That first night was very difficult, but she was okay after that.

She had a terrible overbite when she was three. I had/have one, too, so I figured it was genetic. But within a year of giving up the pacis, her overbite disappeared. The dentist said that if you stop the pacis before four, it's pretty common to lose the overbite.

[Mary]

Almost forgot. At almost eight years old, she's still very nostalgic for her pacis. My baby daughter has never taken a pacifer. I was so accustomed to seeing that cute Nuk in a baby's mouth that I'm a little sad the baby won't use one.

[Meira]

When Steven was about 2, we tried adopting the rule of "pacifiers are for bed time" and so he got it while sleeping or napping. He didn't fuss, so maybe we hit the sweet spot.

[K.]

Hey Moxie, my sister sucked her thumb until she was about 13, I think. She kept it pretty private after age 10.

Have you seen the film Thumbsucker? Or read Walter Kirn's novel of the same name? The film is wonderful, I highly recommend it.

[Mayberry]

I also sucked my thumb until I was about 8, with no orthodontic repercussions. My daughter is about to turn 4 and still sucking away. So far, I'm opting for mental health over dental health (har har) because she clearly has a need to suck--she does it when she is tired or anxious, exclusively. I took her for her first dentist appointment at 3, with her newborn brother in tow. The dentist told me to break her of the thumb habit (and pointed out how her teeth are already shifting--I can see it too). I looked at my baby and said "Now? No way."

We have been talking about how when she turns 4, we're going to work on only bringing out Thumbelina (yes, that's what she calls it) at bedtime.

[Emily]

I have really nothing of relevance/helpfulness to add. But I'm going to anyways.

1. When my parents took my pacifier away when I was about 3, I was left with a callous on my upper lip. To this day (I'm 28) I still pick at that callous until it bleeds just like I did the day I gave up the pacifier.

2. Did anyone see American Idol Tuesday night? One of the women (Mandisa) admitted, on national television, to having sucked her thumb until she was TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD.

I'd say you did just fine at 11, Moxie.

P.S. I LOVE THIS WEBSITE. I just had my first doctors appointment (8 weeks pregnant) and I am just soaking all this information up. Well, and with the pregnancy brain, promptly forgetting it. But I just know it will come in handy, and I thank you for that.

[Dorie]

Thanks for the help Moxie. It makes so much sense to wait until she's older and can understand why she doesn't need her suckie anymore. We hope to have another baby when she's 2.5 to 3 years old, so I think we'll wait and give it to the new baby.

Something else that might help others with the same problem: A few months ago I started making her set it on her dresser each morning and pick it up herself before bed and it really reinforced the "only for bedtime rule." Thanks again!

[Foster]

I am v partial to thumbsuckers since I sucked mine until I was 12 w/ NO dental problems (never ever had braces), and I dont much care for pacis b/c my mother LOATHES them. I work in the infant room of a daycare and I will say that taking care of a thumbsucker is easier b/c they never drop or lose their thumb! One of our babies sucks his thumb hardcore, and my assistant, when the baby is crying, always wishes for a pacifier for him. That REALLY pisses me off b/c his thumb is *right there* and if he isnt using it, he wouldnt want a paci either!!!! Like a hunk of rubber would be better for him, just cram it in and shut him up grrrrr.. Sorry about the tirade, it just really irritates me when ppl comment negatively about thumbsucking when all you have to do is bend your thumb for it to not press against your teeth. You cannot bend a binky! Feh. Anyway, our toddlers that have binkies can only have them at naptime since they are at "school" and binkies are not for school. It only takes them about a week to get used to us and not want them all the time anyway.

[Sara]

My son was a binky addict as a baby and toddler, and still used it at bedtime until he was - eh, over 3? He didn't need it during the night -- he'd drop it as he fell asleep and not cry for it in the night.

I was awfully tense about a lot of things with my firstborn (napping, potty training, what have you), but as a thumbsucker who gave it up quite easily at age 5 (I remember deciding that when I started Kindergarten, I would give up my thumb), I just didn't really care about the binky.

And ending it was absolutely effortless. We had a stable of binkies floating around the house, and as they got lost or disappeared into the ether, we didn't replace them, but didn't comment on their departure. It got harder and harder to find one, and the night the last one was nowhere to be found, DS shrugged and said "Okay." We found it a week later in his bottom drawer, and he put it in his mouth, sucked on it twice, and put it back down. Last time he ever used one.

[Linda]

I love pacifiers. I had one girl who seemed to need them and one girl who needed a little encouragement. They were my life, though, to get me through public places with 2 babies. It also helped my babysitters.

Around a year we adopted the rule of pacifiers only for naps and bedtime. We told our girls that the pacifiers get tired easily so they just stay in bed. It took a couple days of that and now they drop them in their crib before lifting their arms to be picked up. We've made occasional exceptions when they're sick or when we drove 12 hours to Minnesota.

I don't plan to get rid of them anytime soon. I figure they'll break or get lost or they'll outgrow them eventually.

[Megan]

I think that it's rediculous that children have nuks after the age of two. that's still pushing it if a child can eat regular food they don't need a nuk and the rediculous nick names make it worse for the child and make the parents look rediculous also.I think that you get rid of the cute nuk and get cute teeth or smile instead. Parents that don't spend time with their children shouldn't have them and shoulden't just put nuks in their mouths because they don't know how to deal with their childern. Unless it's night time keep the binki, nuk, sucky thing, paci, in a locked box for babies.

[Reen]

My two girls were very different about pacifiers. The oldest only took one from 2 months until about 5 months, then it became a toy and she lost interest.

My youngest began tusing a nuk at 3 months and still has it at 15 months when she's sick or going to bed. She's started chucking it overboard during the night & doesn't complain about it, so I think she'll lose interest before long too. I don't see a real reason to force the issue at this age either.

[Becky]

The Easter Bunny took away DD's pluggie this weekend. She is 2 1/2. We are having a very hard time these past 2 days. It was taken in the middle of night, while she was sleeping. In retrospect, I wish I had included her in the process and allowed her to say 'goodbye' Don't know if it would have helped, but she is one sad girl right now.