Q&A: how much sex is enough?

Tess wants to open up the question:

"How much sex after a baby is the right amount???"

Funny you should ask that, Tess. I've been thinking about that exact question, and have come up with two formulas. If you have:

• one child under 6 months old, or
• two children whose combined age is less than 4 years, or
• three children whose combined age is less than 7 years, or
• more than three children,

Then the right amount of sex is: [(the number of times per week you want to have sex times 3) + (the number of times per week your partner wants to have sex times 1)] divided by 4.

If you have:

• one child who is older than 6 months, or
• two children whose combined age is more than 4 years, or
• three children whose combined age is more than 7 years,

Then the right amount of sex is: [(the number of times per week you want to have sex times 3) + (the number of times per week your partner wants to have sex times 2)] divided by 5.

So, for example: If you have a 5-month-old, and you want to have sex once a week but your partner wants it 5 times, the right amount is [(1 x 3) + (5 x 1)] / 4, or 2 times per week.

Or, if you have a 3.5-year-old and a 9-month-old, and you want to have sex 4 times per week and your partner wants it once a week, the right amount is [(4 x 3) + (1 x 2)] / 5 = 14/5, or 2.8 times per week.

Any questions?

Seriously, though, I don't know. We already talked about how long it takes to get the desire back. I'd guess that the two biggest factors affecting how much sex a mother wants are how much sleep she's getting and whether or not she has her cycle (and normal hormonal level) back. So if you're getting a good night's sleep most nights and have gone back to normal cycles, you're probably way more interested in sex than someone who's dealing with lots of night waking (or the hidden problem moms don't talk about, insomnia) and is still in the no-period zone.

I guess I'd hope for everyone (including myself, of course) the answer would be "more than I wanted three months ago, but not as much as I'll want three months from now."

How do you negotiate if you and your partner have vastly different ideas of how much sex you should be having? Does one person's opinion trump? Or have you found some special compromise that both of you can live with?

Anyone want to discuss this? Tess? Anyone else? (As usual, if you don't want to post your real email or URL, just put a fake URL in the "URL" box and no one will be able to see whatever email you put in the "Email Address" box except me.)

Comments

[tess]

charles and i actually sat down and talked this one through before the babies were born.

the way i work is: although lust does play a part in my desire to have sex, it is important for me to be feeling happy with him and our relationship. if i am resenting him, i won't particularly feel like having sex, no matter how many children we have.

so instead of it being "my call" as to whether we have sex or not, and him being resentful if we're not meeting what he considers a fair amount, and the responsibility being all up to me, he can do a lot around the house and with the children to ensure i am seeing his tender, helpful and loving side. seeing him doing work around the house reminds me again of how much he loves me, and really makes me want to be physically close to him, and reciprocate that love.

and he has, and it has worked. talking it through made all the difference. i think he would have been helpful with the children and around the house even if we hadn't have had the talk, but when he gets the results, it is probably an extra incentive.

[julia]

you crack me up!

[Carrie]

The correct answer is none at all until you are feeling better, then as often as absolutely necessary. Once maybe every ten days to two weeks.
And as I have heard before: you don't have to be a hero. There are other ways of making a partner happy. I like to call it "taking a shower with a happy ending". Quick, clean, conserves water since you're both in there at the same time, and kills two birds with one stone.
Honestly, though, with an 11-month old who still (still?!?!?!?) does not sleep through the night, and who still nurses occasionally, I still haven't gotten any cycles back, a full-time job, and a house, once every ten days to two weeks is about all I can manage. And I feel bad about that because I enjoy it, but I'd rather be sleeping if I have free time.
And that high chair isn't going to clean itself.

[Ally]

Carrie - LOL! The shower is my big bargaining chip!

I don't think I'm ever going to be back to normal, but Tess nails it, IMO. The more support I get, the more we function well as a family, the more likely we'll both get lucky.

[Jody]

Please tell me I'm not the only one who thought, however fleetingly, "Hmmm, I wonder what MIM thinks...."

Or am I just evil, and in desperate need of chocolate?

[Toni]

Sadly, I can count on my hand how many times we've had sex since #2. Hubby is okay with it - but not super okay. Your earlier discussion about 'desire' when you're nursing totally hits the mark. Besides work & house stuff & family stuff - I'm just too tired. If only we were both available at 9am...THEN we'd get somewhere :)

[Anon]

Well, I'll dive in, albeit anonymously. Even though I KNOW it's OK, there is still some shame associated with this for me. Go figure.

My baby is 8 months old and we still have not had actual penetration sex. Yep. We've done those other things that teenage girls think keep them virginal, but not plain old actual sex. I've never heard anyone say this, but my clitoris did not feel right for MONTHS. I discussed it with my OB at my 6 wk check-up and she assured me everything was OK, and said "well, that baby's head was down there for a long time!" (I labored for 24+ hrs then had a rapid pushing stage). Inside, though, I was pretty freaked out, worrying that it would never be right again. And you know, it's not.

I can have an orgasm, but it's a lot of work. That was not the case before.

Also, there's still a strange little knot where the stitches healed just inside the vagina, on the perineum side (I so hope this is not TMI, but if you can't tell Moxie, who CAN you tell???).

Thirdly (?), I am not on birth control. My husband knows this, but has been totally slack about getting some high quality condoms (from Good Vibrations). In his defense, he is well aware of problems #1 and #2, so he knows there is no rush. Still, it's becoming a chicken and egg thing. If I know the condoms are there, maybe that will help me relax a little and the physical problems won't get in the way so much.

Fourthly, well, my body is just not THERE. My mind is. I want it, I dream about it. My husband looks good to me. I like to make out, but my brain is just not sending the signals to my nether regions. And then I am reluctant to make out, because I can't follow through. And as much as my guy swears up one side and down the other that it's OK if we just kiss and grope, I know he's a big old liar and that he'll get worked up and then I'll feel guilty. To be clear, he doesn't try to make me feel guilty at all. I just do.

Fifthly, dry as a bone. Nursing hormones, right?

Insanely therapeutic just to type that out. Thanks.

PS My OB recommends the Mirena IUD. Anyone have that??

[beaver girl]

I had the other kind of IUD for 8 years - paraguard. No hormones. I really liked it. Turns out it was the least necessary IUD on the planet.

Anyway - am I the only one who's the opposite? I was ready to get back in the game and my husband is always too tired or stressed or whatever.

[Liv]

I think I am odd here.... after I finally had a baby I felt like a true woman. It made me feel really sexy and I couldn't wait to share it with my hubby. I think we waited a week postpartum and we were quite regular until he deployed 2 months later. Now she's 4 and exhausts me so we hit the 2.8 average that you came up with.

[Lisa V]

You know I couldn't pass algebra to save my life anymore. So seeing the above formulas offers maybe why I am too tired for sex, the homework is too hard.

[Anon#2]

Anon,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm right with you on points one and two - you aren't the only one, and I've been chatting with local friends about these uh, parts, too. Our baby is also 8 months old.

[Anon#3]

After my first child was born I couldn't have an orgasm for love or money, until my period came back at 13 months and everything was normal again. I'm waiting for my period to come back now after my second baby and hoping the same thing happens once it's back.

[Carrie]

Regarding lack of moisture and, also, condoms.

Christine at therabbitlived made a post about this and got tons of great comments. The best recommendations were Astroglide for help (don't trust the KY), including the liquid (not gel) kind. Condoms can make the moisture situation worse, so IUD, diaphragm, or the mini-pill if you're nursing. You probably want to stay away from condoms, cervical cap (because they aren't effective on women who have had children), and combination birth control pills (since they can affect milk supply).

And my favorite. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Inebriate and Lubricate.

[anon#4]

If he provides help around the house and with the kids to relieve me on a regular basis, then it's more likely to happen as I would be less tired.

But really, I would be fine if I never had sex for pleasure again. Am I the only odd one here?

[Anon#5]

At my house it's the classic situation -- hubby wants sex way more than I do. I really do enjoy it when it happens, it's just challenging to make it happen! (Three kids, one cosleeping & nightnursing.) I am similar to Liv in that I found sex after babies to be even better than it was before. I have much more appreciation for my body and what it can do. It's easier to "O" than before and sometimes I even flash back to my birth experiences -- in a positive way! (Two of my births were very empowering unmedicated births.)

However, despite the fact that I like sex, we still don't have enough of it by my husband's estimation. My approach is to quietly plan ahead in my own mind (I don't tell DH, in case it doesn't work out) to have all the kids asleep and myself awake & interested, once a week. He usually initiates sex another couple of times a week, so if we follow through even half the time then we are doing okay. And he really appreciates my taking the initiative sometimes. It helps make up for the times I turn him down due to exhaustion or whatever.

By the way I nurse my babies long term (years) and go long stretches with no periods (14-17 months after each baby), and haven't found this to kill my libido.

[anon#6]

#4, you are so not the only one... 7.5 months, we've done it maybe four times. not sleeping through the night, not much libido even though i have gotten my period twice already (not very regular, still nursing full time). hubby is sort of fine about it, but wants more of course. sometimes i feel "not normal" that things are like this. sex is just about the last thing on my mind these days. does is ever get better?
BTW, we bought a diaphragm but i'm too scared to use it, i can't stand the thought of another pregnancy now. so we're still with condoms, and that's also kind of a bummer for my guy....