Q&A: getting your groove back

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes:

"I got the all clear to have sex again at my 6-week appointment, and we've had sex somewhat regularly since then, but  the Pumpkin is 7 months old and I'm really not all that into it. Is there something I should be doing that I'm not? I'm breastfeeding and don't want to wean until at least a year.

Please tell me the sex drive comes back."

Yes, it comes back. Eventually.

There are a bunch of theories about why post-partum moms aren't all that interested in sex for awhile after the birth. I think the best one is that it's a protective mechanism of the body so that we don't have kids so close together that we lose our minds. Of course people end up having kids that close together all the time by accident, but I'm really not sure that all those moms were just dying to have sex right then.

I do think it's normal to just not be interested in sex loooong after that 6-week mark passes. It's a huge disservice to couples that 6 weeks is touted as the magical time when we're going to be getting back to Sex The Way It Used To Be, when in reality 6 weeks is just a fairly reasonable time that a woman with a non-complicated vaginal birth with no tearing would be healed enough not to be damaged by penis-vagina intercourse. It doesn't mean things are back to normal. It doesn't mean that a mom is going to actually want to have sex. Even if the nursing is making her hormones rush during the day, by the time nighttime rolls around, she's probably so tired and touched out that, well, you all have been there and know what I mean. You love your partner and want him or her to be happy, but there's probably a certain amount of faking going on, at least for awhile.

I don't want to give body image issues (for the mother) and sheer exhaustion, resentment, and self-image and role confusion (for both parents) short shrift, but ths is a how-to post, not a 5,000 Ways Having a Baby Can Screw With Your Head post. So let's move on with the good news, shall we?

What I think gets most women back on track is going through the energy shift toward the end of the first year and going through the hormonal shift of getting the menstrual cycle. Once the baby gets out of the first 6 months and closer to a year old your energy just shifts. Instead of being intimately connected almost 24/7 with the baby, you're dealing more with helping the baby negotiate her own body and learning new skills. It's more about playing with blocks and finding foods they'll eat than snuggling for hours and nursing around the clock. I personally, find the pre-toddler stage more frenzied and cumbersome than the in-arms phase, but it does give you a little more mental space and emotional energy, and some of that will go straight down to the lady parts.

Even more than that, though, I think is the hormones. I guarantee that if this post gets many comments it will be women saying that their libidos came back when their cycles came back, whether they weaned before or after their cycles came back. I got my cycle back at 11 months with El Chico, and it was like a switch flipped on and it was fiesta time. (I nursed for a year and a half after that.) The women I know who didn't get their cycles back until after they weaned say it felt like a switch flipping back on for them, too.

If your baby is 8 or 9 months old and you're thinking, "I want to get my libido back but I'm not willing to wean," you might think about cutting back on nursing so you get a 7-hour stretch each day in which you don't nurse. For many women that's enough to bring the cycle back. If you think about it, that's basically what happens when you nightwean (last feeding at 11 and then the morning feeding at 6), or if your baby nurses in the morning but is then too busy playing or eating solids until after lunch.

Or you may just decide that another few months of not feeling all that sexy isn't going to hurt your relationship or your self-esteem, so you'll just ride it out for a little while longer. If you're not that concerned about it, that's perfectly valid and you shouldn't feel like there's something wrong with you because you're not worried about not being a sex goddess.

Now, if you've got the desire but just never seem to get around to having sex, I can tell you that what I found helpful was to plan ahead. In the morning, before either of you leaves the house, make a sex date. That way you can both think about it all day and get yourselves in the mood. If you want to stoke the fires with some phone calls or emails during the day, do so. But then as soon as the kids are in bed, that's your time. Leave the dishes and other chores until after you've had sex, or you won't start until 11 o'clock and you'll be too exhausted to really enjoy it. You may even want to pick a cut-off time and if you haven't started having sex by then you just roll the date over to the next night.

So. I guess that was a lot of TMI. Anyone want to make me feel better about flashing you by leaving some comments?

Comments

[Her Bad Mother]

Oooh, this is a sensitive one. We're just approaching 4-months, and there's been a bit of foolin' around, but for the most part, the tiredness just overcomes too much to get much further than that.

And? Cycle just started again, things were looking good, but then Baby immediately hit a spurt or regression and now the tired is - if this is possible - even worse.

But we're holding out hope. If I can just get some sleep again soon, we'll be getting back at it.

Just thought I'd add to the TMI...

[anon for this]

I think that the Mirena IUD I had installed after having the baby also did a number on my libido. Recently had it removed, getting ready to try for #2. I'm feeling much closer to being interested. #1 is 18 months and nursing still.

[Jessie]

I have no personal perspective to share (no kids yet...which is not to imply that there's a sex goddess living in my house. In fact, she doesn't even visit my house that often). Thanks for your funny and frankly honest perspective on the topic. I didn't think it was TMI, or even slightly "eeesh".
Basically--and I was going to say this even before you asked for comments--Moxie, you're my hero. I really admire your mix of intelligent advice, empathy, humor, all held aloft by excellent writing. Your light? SO not hidden under a bushel.
OK, I'm done now, back to the important subject at hand!

[Anon]

For me the reason was simple -- after having a baby attached to me day and night, I didn't want anyone else near me when I actually had a moment all to myself. I craved alone time so much and wanted to feel like my body was mine alone that I couldn't stand the thought of sex for almost an entire year. Once I got my normal cycle back, things did start to change, but it is still not like it used to be - which is fine with me (not so fine for my husband, but...)

[Anon for now]

My child is about the same age as the reader who originally posed the question, and we are not getting jiggy with it here very often.

My husband's been reasonably understanding about the fact that I might prefer sleep to sex (since I'm the one handling all the nighttime duties), but he's a little less understanding when I would rather watch Seinfeld reruns than have sex. Yadda yadda yadda.

[oh me too anon]

Um. Haven't nursed for almost eight months and I still have little groove. We've decided to just do it once a week or else we can go a really long time without it and that's just sad. I have never had the greatest sex drive, but infertility and then childbirth, nursing, etc. snuffed out whatever flame was there. You're right about the glories of the sex date--with small people in your house it's just too hard to wait till the mood strikes and assume you'll have privacy and time when it does.

[Shy for now]

This is good stuff :-)

My poor husband. I was so tired, touched-out, no drive, post-c-section, breastfeeding, AP-bonding hormonal forever. Like a year. Once I got over that (mostly) and my kiddo gave up one middle of the night feeding (of several) WHAM! I got pregnant. (As my OB said, "If you don't want to be pregnant, don't go off birth control." Good advice. Another OB in his practice said to me at my 8 week dating ultrasound, "Wow, I've never seen anyone get pregnant while they were still nursing so much." Uhhh.....)

For some odd reason, months 3-4-5-5.5 of my pregnancy brought my libido back. But in the morning only. By the time night came I was toasted. We adjusted; 5 AM was a good time for me, so it became a good time for him. But then I started feeling very pregnant (read: whale-like) and all I wanted to do was sleep, which wasn't an easy task.

And now we're going to go through the whole thing again. I'm saving to buy my husband a medal. Or maybe an HD-ready tv.

[Ann]

I sent the link to my boyfriend. I tried to explain why I'm not in the mood but you say it so much better. :-) (our daughter is 4 months old now)
Ann

[erika]

How funny. I just sent the link to my husband. ;) Sophie is 4.5 months old.

[Lisa V]

Wait it comes back ? Oh shit, I've been using this excuse for 14 years.

[Kate]

Ha... when I went to see my OB/GYN when my son was 9 months old, I asked him how long it would take my sex drive to come back, to be normal, like it used to be. He laughed and told me that "normal" as I knew it is gone forever. THIS is normal now. Of course we had tons of sex BB (before baby)... that's all we had to do in the evenings!

It'll get better.

[observer]

You would think you'd use a different blog format than the dating site where you claim to be a 37 year old single woman who has no children and has never been married. How many people do you pretend to be?

[Moxie]

Observer, I'm not sure what you mean. My only other blog is my personal blog. I'm 33, married, with 2 kids. That's no secret.

[anon for this]

It does come back in spurts. I'm also one of those that feels all tired, touched out, just plain ol' not that interested. I marvel alone time. I get recharged.

The sex date idea is great though Moxie! Happy husband, and happy wife.

[Linda]

Funny, Observer. Yeah, "Moxie," how many people DO you pretend to be? And why do you hate freedom so much? Is it because you don't believe in the REAL straw berry?

I find it interesting that so many people are anonymous on this. I will tell you all free and clear that it took a good year for us to get near normal again. My periods started again when I was almost done weaning and that definitely made a huge difference.

I hate the "6 week" mark. I felt like we should be having sex a couple times/week by then. Considering I had 2 babies, was breastfeeding all the time, and had an almost 3rd degree tear that wasn't quite healed, I will honestly admit that I felt a HUGE wave of relief when my OB told me that I should wait a few more weeks. Now I think, "A few more WEEKS?"

Anyway, now my girls are almost 2 and while our sex life still has fits and spurts, we're pretty much back on track.

[Elise]

I was definitely weird - we started again after 6 or 7 weeks, and it was pretty much back to the way it had been before. But I haven't talked to a lot of people who had that experience.

[Rayne of Terror]

My cycle returned 10 weeks pp and my libido CERTAINLY didn't come back then. At 14 months I'm still nursing 4-6 times a day (and night) and am not in the "groove." We schedule so we are looking forward and the whole day has a little extra charge. Like yesterday was Steak and a blow job day, so I emailed my hubs after lunch to let him know I'd picked up strip steak for dinner and he was so thrilled. And then so was I.