Q&A: witnessing a parent abusing a child

Here's a sad one. I don't have a real answer for it (as you'll see). What do you think?

Corrie writes:

"I am a 24-year-old grad student - no children of my own, but I tend to take care of other people's and want a family someday.

While volunteering with my therapy dog at the mall today, I saw a woman hit her child, hard.  I missed whatever prompted it, but saw her ball up her fist and slam it backhanded into her little girl (age, maybe 10?). The girl cringed away but did not cry out.

I was with another woman and we were both upset by it, but neither of us got involved because we didn't want to make the situation worse for the little girl.  In a situation like that - where I knew the mother would resent any "interference" and I don't have any way to reach the child - what would you recommend doing? Its now 3 am, and I climbed out of bed to try and process this, as I cannot sleep for thinking of it.

I know this is a little different from your usual question, so please feel free to set it aside if its not appropriate for your blog.  Thanks for giving me a place to ask the question, either way."

No wonder you can't sleep for thinking of it. I got a little sick to my stomach just reading the question.

I've been in situations 3 or 4 times (always on public transportation, not-so-oddly enough) in which I could tell the parent was getting frustrated and things could escalate to abuse. I've tried to step in before things got really nasty in a way that affirmed both the parent and the child, by offering empathy to the parent and compliments to the child. Usually I start by trying to catch the parent's eye and rolling my eyes in that "we've all been there" way. Then I say something like, "Geez, it's rough, isn't it? I can tell she's really smart. It's the smart ones that drive you crazy." Then I look at the kid and use a joking or cutesy voice to say, "Are you too smart? Someday your mom's going to be glad you're a brilliant lawyer or a rocket scientist, but she sure is tired right now. You two better go easy on each other." Then I try to chit-chat the mom a little more if I have time, dumb mom stuff about getting paint out of clothes or toddlers not wanting to let you get them dressed, etc., just to build community and let her know she's not in it alone. As I leave I say something like "Hey, smart girl, take care of your mom, OK?" and then "Hang in there" to the mom with a big smile.

But.

That's before the situation has escalated, or when you can tell it's just a normal parent stretched to the limits (like we all are at times--ask me about the time I screamed at El Chico "You are making me insaaaaaane! Just stop asking me questionsssss!" on 2nd Avenue). Once a parent has hit a child in public, things have derailed so far that there's really no way to try to herd the parent back into decent behavior.

I don't think there's any good answer to this. The best possible result would be to be able to say something that would make the mother decide to stop hurting her child and actively work on better discipline and communication. The acceptable result would be to let the child know that it's not normal and it's not OK for her mother to be hurting her. But how can you do that without making it worse?

The satisfying thing to do would be to call 911, then block the mother from leaving until the police got there. But then what happens? The mother is even angrier. The child is in even more danger, and is now terrified that her mother's going to go off to jail.

The only-slightly-less-satisfying thing to do would be to loudly ask, "Did you just hit your child?" and draw a bunch of attention to her. A crowd might form and start telling her she was doing the wrong thing. The good thing here would be that the child would know that the mother's abuse was not acceptable or normal behavior. It might be the only thing that enabled her to make it until she was old enough to leave. But it could also put the child in greater danger, and who knows if any other people would back you up?

You could follow the parent and try to figure out enough information to report her to Child Services, but who knows where that would lead. There's no guarantee there would be any investigation, even, let alone any intervention that could actually help the pair.

I was in a situation a few weeks ago in which it was cold outside and I saw a mother hitting her toddler on the face repeatedly because he wasn't leaving the blanket tucked in over him in the stroller. I had no idea what to do, and I kind of froze, but eventually I found my voice and said the first thing I could think of. I said, "Ma'am, is there anything I can do to help you?" She looked at me like I was a crazy person, but I felt like I had to press on. "Because I saw you hitting your baby, and that's just not the right thing to do." At that point two men walking by who had seen it also stopped and started telling her she shouldn't hit her kid. She said, "But he'll catch a cold! He won't keep his blanket on!" I said, "Wouldn't it be better for him to get sick with a cold than to have a mother who hits him? If you need any kind of help taking a break, I can watch him for a few minutes while you go get a cup of coffee and cool off." Of course she turned me down, because no one would let a stranger on the street in New York (albeit a stranger pushing a sleeping baby) watch her kid. I didn't have any idea what to do, but she turned and wheeled the kid accross the street, so I went home.

I have no idea if this was the right thing to do. I was so shaken up by it that I couldn't blog about it at the time. Just typing it out right now is making my stomach knot up. But I couldn't just not say anything and let her and her son think it's OK to hit your child like that.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but that kid I saw and that kid Corrie saw are our own kids. They're El Chico and El Pequeño. They're any future kids we're lucky enough to have, and they're us when we were little. They don't need to be taken away from their parents. Their parents need community support to be able to deal with the shitty, stressful, tunnel-vision-inducing aspects of parenting with love and grace and patience instead of violence. They need to be taught how to deal with children's behavior that's completely normal but that does threaten to make us lose our minds. They need support, and their kids need protection.

So, what do we do? What can we say? Because we can't say nothing.

Any ideas?

Updated: Lisa C. posted this wonderful link about things to do when you witness a parent hurting a child. It especially emphasizes that you don't want to give approval to the abuser, and staying silent implies approval and normalcy.

Comments

[-Blue]

I also am at a loss. I confess that i'd probably just freak out - the WRONG thing to do - and begin simultaneously screaming at the mom and dialling 911. I just know how bad my temper is.

The tricky thing is - as you pointed out - most of us have been close to doing something untoward ourselves. I have 4 under 4 and I have gotten so frustrated with one of them that I've shouted at (or in one unfortunate situation, grabbed) one of my babies in public. Although I've always realized immediately that I messed up and apologized to the child in question, still, it's hard to know when to step in with another person (obviously her stiking her child is a definate 'step in' situation).

I dunno. this is a tough one. I look forward to the other responses.

-Blue

[Brooklyn Girl]

It's a really hard question, and it's something that I've seen a lot of--even in classrooms where I've been teaching (twice I had parents who had been called into school because of behavior problems walk into my room and hit their children). It's a tricky thing to calm the parent down while not appearing to "side" with them.

[Lala]

If I see something in a Mall I like to involve the security staff, they can watch over the situation and it doesn't directly involve the person who saw the "hit". Safer and maybe a less antagonistic approach.

[Melanie]

I saw something like this on a camping trip about 4 years ago-- the father was holding an 8-10 yr old girl up by her arm and hitting her with a belt outside of one the cabins. I yelled something at him-- I don't even remember what -- and had half their family screaming at me to stay out of it. But I kept yelling until he stopped hitting her, half expecting him to come and hit *me*. God, it's as vivid in my mind as if it had happened yesterday.

I don't know if it was the right thing for me to do, or a good thing-- but I figure if nothing less, that girl knows that there's one person in the world who thinks she was treated badly.

[Maria]

I think the way you handled the woman on the street was *brilliant*. Who knows whether it helped, but I can't imagine a better way to respond. Both clearly stating the reality: it's NOT ok to treat your child like that, and empathetic, which is what we all need in those situations. And as a bonus, offering to help. Since no one's going to let a stranger watch their kid, maybe another way to offer help would be to offer the use of a cell phone to call someone to help, or talk, or something. I think the gesture is important to kid and parent.

Just last week I came the closest to the edge ever (so far) with my 2 year old when she was sick, NEEDED to nap, and I needed her to nap, and she Just. Would. Not. I was driving her around to induce sleep, because she that's the most sure-fire way to do it at naptime, and she was tired, and we drove and drove, and she wouldn't/couldn't sleep, and started whining and crying and I got into my Stubborn Place: I was, by God, not going to stop driving until she was asleep or Hell froze over. Of course, hell froze over, because who's more stubborn than a 2 year old discovering her will (and feeling crummy to boot).

So it got to the point where I was yelling at her that she had to sleep, that she'd feel better if she slept, that I didn't know what to do now because it was too late for her nap now anyway, blah blah blah. I did manage to stay away from name-calling and blatant blaming, but I was yelling in the car, and not backing down from my anger. I drove to a friend's house and got us out of the car so we could both calm down. Which we did, and life went on. I apologized later, and said I was sorry I got mad, and she said "But you're not mad anymore!" with a big grin. We survived.

But I was closer than I wanted to be to losing it. I wouldn't have hit her. We all understand that the edge is closer than we'd like it to be, and I think any intervention that acknowledges the parent's struggle is bound to be better for everyone.

[Wood]

The way you handle the public transit situations is brave and brilliant. Same for the woman on the street. Luckily I've never witnessed either of those situations before, but I have worked within the child welfare system, and can strongly second your observation that calling CPS or the cops is very unlikely to make the situation any better any time soon for any of the folks involved.

What I hear you saying (and I think you're right on) is that the way to handle these situations is to use the "I'm a parent too, I know how hard it is" approach before the situation has escalated to include violence. When violence is involved, use the same approach with the added "but hitting/hurting your child is never okay, is there anything I can do to help you?" I love that you offered to let the woman go get a cup of coffee and cool down.

[wix, off-topic yet again]

i have called many a stranger out in public, but fortunately i haven't had to get into it with someone over hitting their child. our next-door neighbors, however, may soon have the cops called on them, because whatever i'm hearing 1) isn't normal arguing and 2) seems to ebb and flow in a 'cycle of abuse' pattern, so, something's not right over there.

among the strangers i've called out in public have been children between 8-12, but that is a story for another day, as i don't want to veer too off-topic. if you like, you can consider this an ask: "what do you do when you see someone else's child either destroying property or putting themselves in a potentially hazardous situation?"

[kinky]

I have two things to add:
1) In these situations, I think of an article I once read that said that adults who were abused as children often remember strangers intervening as a shining moment in their childhood, giving them an inkling that they didn't deserve to be hurt. So I try to be guided by that, as well as compassion for the moms. They are obviously in a tough situation.
2) I have to really really really caution against calling Child Services, and I would encourage everyone to learn what it really means for families to be reported to Child Services. You could check out www.nccpr.org or www.childrensrights.org. I suggest that being with your family, the parents that you love despite their inappropriate or inadequate parenting skills, is better than being with strangers, shuttled from home to home, being abused and feeling like garbage. Until the Child Services system is truly offering parental assistance (counseling, education, plus financial and job placement assistance), it's really not a good thing to do to call them.
Kinky

[Denise]

I suggest that being with your family, the parents that you love despite their inappropriate or inadequate parenting skills, is better than being with strangers, shuttled from home to home, being abused and feeling like garbage.

This is so true, except when it isn't. Lately in New York, there have been a few well-publicized parent-abuse deaths of children in their own homes. How do you know the difference between systematic abuse and parent-lost-it-for-a-minute? I don't know. I would say, "Better safe than sorry," but the foster-care situations often are not safe either.

[Lisa C.]

Here's a link to No Spank's article entitled "What Should I Do When I See Someone Hitting Their Kid?"

http://www.nospank.net/stang.htm

I'm a non-confrontational person, but I have used one of their techniques - staring. You stare as hard as you can at the parent. They will usually get uncomfortable under scrutiny and stop. If they ask you what you're doing you say, "Being a witness to child abuse," and walk away.

Moxie, you also used two of the techniques. It's a good article.

[Toni]

I just saw a woman today come out of the post office after leaving two YOUNG boys in the car all by themselves for over 10 minutes. I called 911. Hopefully she gets arrested. Some of this stuff needs to be taken care of. I guess I'm having a problem believing that people could actually do something like this. ugh.