Q&A: cigarette smoke around a baby

Angela (who notes that English is not her first language) writes:

"I have been reading your advice from the beginning even though I don’t have any kids right now, but we are trying to conceive and I want to see what I’m getting myself into.

I would like to know what you think about an issue in particular, namely, cigarette smoke. To be more specific, my spouse and I don’t smoke, and we ask our friends and relatives not to smoke in our home, which is generally well accepted, except from his mom, but she won’t come visit us, so that’s not really the problem. The problem is that when we visit my parents and my spouse’s father, who live in the same town, we generally stay at my parents'. My dad smokes, but we asked to limit his smoking when we visit because we both are very sensitive to it (we used to get physically sick for about a week after we visited, until I got the courage to approach my parents about it). Now, my spouse has started telling me that, when we do have a baby, we won’t stay at my parents because the house still smells like cigarette (he still gets a bit sick because of the smell and the residual smoke).

I’m conflicted. On one hand, I agree that I don’t want to expose my baby to cigarette smoke at all. But on the other hand, I don’t see myself telling my parents that we won’t stay at their house because of the cigarette. We can stay at my spouse’s father’s house, that's not a problem. They love us and will be very happy to see us. But we always stayed at my parents and it will hurt them. I know my spouse won’t back down on this subject, unless my dad stops smoking.

What would you do about this? Is this an issue you had to deal with?"

I do have experience with this question. My MIL and BIL smoke. My BIL is an extremely considerate smoker, one of those guys who just escapes quietly every once in awhile to go have a butt outside. My MIL smokes on her back glass-enclosed porch and thinks the smell doesn't come into the rest of her house. I don't think any of the actual smoke or dangerous fumes are coming into the rest of her house, but the stink certainly is (and she's not even a heavy smoker--maybe only 3-4 a day). When I was pregnant the smell really bothered me, and my husband and I had a bunch of the same kinds of discussions you did. Ultimately what we ended up doing was still going to visit, but going into a different part of the house while she smoked on the porch, and only coming back when the smell has dissipated enough to make it reasonably pleasant again. The not-so-nice part of me wants to be passive-aggressive and make a big deal out of it when I leave the room with the kids, but ultimately I realized that my MIL is genuinely trying to be considerate. She just doesn't smell the smell anymore.

I think you have an entirely different issue than I did, though. It sounds like your dad smokes a lot and that he smokes throughout their entire house. Because you note that English isn't your first language, I'm guessing that you might live in a country in which smoking is much more culturally acceptable than it is here in the US, and people smoke more heavily and in more places (in many locations in the US you can't smoke in public places at all, only inyour own living space or outdoors). So it won't be a simple issue of just moving to a different part of the house a couple of times a day.

The other thing that's different is that you and your husband have serious physical reactions to being around so much smoke. With that kind of genetic history, there's a strong chance that your baby will have bad reactions to cigarette smoke, too. It just won't be safe to have a baby for long in a house full of smoke. I think we parents need to cut grandparents some slack about feeding and other issues that seem like huge deals to us, but aren't actually going to be harmful in the long run. But this is something different. The bottom line is that you have to protect your child, even if that means taking a stand against your parents. Especially if it's a medical issue.

I'm always telling people that when asked how/where/when their baby is sleeping they should just lie. That's kind of my first principle of Parenting Without Taking On Other People's Issues, Because You'll Have Enough Of Your Own Anyway. My second principle of PWTOOPIBYHEOYOA is: "When you have to tell someone something they won't want to hear, blame your pediatrician." This is a perfect application of that principle. If you explain the situation to your pediatrician, s/he will most certainly forbid you to stay at your parents' house with the baby. So even if you don't discuss it with your baby's doctor, you can still say your ped told you the baby can't stay in a house in which someone smokes. Period. End of disussion. They shouldn't be offended by that, although they will, of course, but if you make it clear that it's not your choice, but a medical issue, then that's it.

I wonder if your dad will make an effort to quit or cut down, or at least keep parts of the house smoke-free, once you actually have a child. Grandparents sometimes really come around and surprise us once the grandchild is actually there. So you might want to take a wait and see attitude.

Another thing I think is part of this is that non-smokers resent the smokers we love keeping up a habit while will ultimately kill them. This resentment becomes especially fierce when we have kids, because it feels like a grandparent should care enough about their grandchild to want to give up smoking and live longer. Most experts agree that smoking is one of the hardest addictions to break, so I try to remember that it's not as simple as saying "I've got these great grandchildren now, so let me throw away the butts." I also think that for lots of smokers, part of their identity is wrapped up in smoking (after all, most of them refer to themselves as "smokers," not as "people who smoke"). It's a complicated dance to do, to let them know we'd help them quit if they want to, but not to push anything on them (NB: offering to buy your MIL a course of Wellbutrin, no matter how many people you know who've quit successfully using it, is not going to make things particularly comfortable at Christmas dinner).

I think you've assessed correctly that this is going to be a tough issue for your family. But you and your husband are going to have to present a united front to protect your child. If you make a special effort to see your parents as much as possible in a location that doesn't allow your dad to smoke, you'll be able to give your child plenty of time with his/her grandparents without compromising the baby's health. And if you're lucky, your standing firm might encourage your dad to cut down or even stop smoking.

Comments

[meg]

Oh! I have never smoked, but it must be so awful to be so addicted. When my FIL was in the hospital for CANCER we walked into the room to find the nurse yelling at him. We were shocked until we realized she had found him smoking in the bathroom of his room. She apologized later, and we all said: "Hey...don't worry about it...bring it on!" He smoked until right before he died.

Anyway, I agree with Moxie. You should not stay there after the baby comes...he or she does not need to be there. Blame it on the pediatrician if that makes it easier.

[Ally]

My grandma and my mom smoke. My grandma is housebound, so we have to go see her. But we go every other week, for an hour. My mom is welcome to come to our house any other time.

It's definitely a balancing act, but I'll tell you. Nothing smells worse than a baby who reeks of cigarette smoke. His little lungs come first, regardless of what the relatives are and are not willing to do.

[Anon]

Commenting as a smoker & a mom to a young baby-- many of my family members smoke and I have no problem insisting that any house (or car) we visit be smoke free for the duration of the visit. At home we go outside to smoke. I read that even children whose parents smoke outside still have higher level of some chemical in their urine then children whose parents do not smoke-- apparently this is due to "smoke dust" coming into the house via clothes & hands. So we're anal about wearing a jacket over our clothes and washing our hands before handling the baby. When entering the home of a smoker, even if no one smokes in the house while you're there, the child is still getting some of it, due to residual smoke dust in the furniture, etc. Which to me is all the more reason to be firm about not smoking in the house when a child is present.

OTOH, my aunt points out that compared to the days when you'd smoke while nursing and the big concern was not to burn the baby, today's kids have way cleaner air. (well, if you disregard environmental pollutants & pollen & ozone . . .)

[Tara]

I used to smoke. I am disgusted by it now and I am so happy that here in NYC you can not smoke any where any more!

My MIL is a closet smoker who thinks no one knows she smokes but EVERYONE knows. Which is fine with me since my daughter never sees it because she is hiding like a teenager would.

My SIL on the other hand does not care and smokes where ever she wants but it is always out side so in the winter things are OK in the summer it is a constant battle. I ask her to take a walk so my daughter is not around it and you would think I am asking her to quit because she is killing herself.

[Angela]

Thank you very much for your answer, Moxie, and thank you all for your comments. They are comforting me in my beliefs. I live in Canada, so smoking is not much more culturally accepted. We are slowly getting to were you are on the legal side of things.

It will all still be very hard, I think. My MIL is very egocentric and stubborn, so I don't know how I will make her accept that. My BIL and his wife, who had stopped smoking for about nine years when she had her first child, now smoke a bit in their house. They were our only resort when we visited them and our MIL. Maybe we'll have to resort to friends to keep our child smoke-free. It wouldn't take much for my husband to cut ties though. It is a very sensitive subject for him.

As for my dad, I think he may decide to stop smoking if he sees that he can see his grandchild less. He is a very sensitive person. We cut him some slack for a long time because he quit drinking about ten years ago and we didn't want to push him off the wagon, as they say. But he should be steady now...

Looks like my FIL will be thrilled to have us around. My husband has never had a really close relationship with him, so that may be the way to bring them closer together.
I'm rambling again. Thank you all for everything!

[Rayne of Terror]

You know what, we discussed this issue with my MIL who is 75 and has smoked for 50 YEARS, and she quit. She quit smoking so we would spend the night when we visit instead of going to a SIL's house. It's been since Thanksgiving and their house no longer reeks of smoke and we are quite comfortable. You just can't ever tell with people :)