Follow-up to the peanut allergy post below

(Sorry for boring anyone who isn't interested in this discussion. I'll answer another question in the afternoon.)

The peanut allergy post seems to have sparked a lot of discussion, and it made me think about the whole allergy issue. I think that many people not only "don't get it" about food allergies, but think that people (or parents of kids) with food allergies are making them up, or exaggerating them, or will somehow lose the allergy if they don't "give in" to it. It's almost as if they resent the person for having the allergy and cramping their lifestyle.

I don't get this (I mean, I get that people think that way, but I think it doesn't make sense). In trying to work through it in my head, I compare it to making accommodations for other kinds of chronic conditions or illnesses. The best comparison I could come up with was accommodating a child with diabetes. If there was a kid in your child's class with diabetes, you wouldn't bring sugary snacks because you know that child couldn't have one, and it wouldn't be fair to make one kid have to sit out when all the other kids were eating the sweet. I think most people would agree to bring in something else pretty happily and without comment.

So why the push-back about allergies, which are much more serious because even inhaling the food can cause the allergic reaction?

Is it because we see this as a weakness that can be overcome with grim determination and positive thinking? Or because we see it as a luxurious problem to have? Or something else?

What do you internets think?

Comments

[Linda]

You know, I just had some people over this weekend and one of them brought a guy I had never met before. This guy is allergic to cats so I swept our wood floors and put the cats upstairs. Even with my half-assed preparation, he still couldn't even sit on our furniture~he's that allergic. He had an epipen and benadryl and something else. Now, I'm an RN, life-threatening allergies are something I see quite regularly, and I was still annoyed. Like, just get over it and sit on my furniture! Isn't that stupid? I have no idea why I thought that. I think I felt bad because he was lounging against the wall while we were all sitting down.

The previous paragraph is unhelpful in any way except to say, "Hey, I can be an ass sometimes!" Also, it's 0641 and I've been up for almost 24 hours. I am barely coherent.

Not to rain on your diabetes example, but my niece is almost 6 and has been diabetic since 11 months of age. Their endocrinologist told them not to (unreasonably) limit her sugar. Just let her eat like a normal kid and cover her with sliding scale insulin. But I get your point.

[Cat, Galloping]

See that's funny that you mention the diabetic thing because I feel exactly the opposite. The thing about allergies is that if someone has bad allergies, just being in the room with a peanut or touching a desk a peanut had touched could trigger a reaction. That's not true with a diabetic and sugar, so I think it's fine for other kids to have sugar around the diabetic. I mean, if I was just having *one* diabetic kid to my house, I wouldn't serve sugar, but if I was having a birthday party, there would still be cupcakes. In that case I just think the disappointment is something he'll have to learn to live with.

As for the allergies, I just think most people cannot comprehend that someone could actually die from being near a peanut. In the case of my mom (who I wrote about in my last comment) I truly think she thinks of it as being picky about food. I think she's a little (a little! ha!) self-centered, so she can't think about other people, even if she loves them. All she could think is that it was too much of a pain to wash the pan in between.

And while I'm not going to die if I eat meat, she sees my vegetarianism as me being a picky eater and she refuses to make any concessions (except maybe having something frozen and expired in her freezer) fifteen years later. I think the allergies are like that too. She doesn't want to indulge this pickiness.

[beaver girl]

Ok - these are just my guesses:

1. It's because it seems to be something "new". I don't know if it is new - maybe I just never heard of it when I was growing up. If we grew up with this - it would seem more normal. Since we didn't - it seems suspect. (even though it shouldn't!)

2. Another guess - you've got this substance that for many people is THE food most identified with childhood - peanut butter - and even smelling it is lethal to some kids. So even though it's life-threatening - it seems to infringe on our closely held ideas of childhood. As if someone has said that your kid riding a bike can kill their kid so could they please stop?

3. And then there's the whole American idea of "you're on your own, buddy" in terms of child-rearing, health care, evacuating a flooding city...it's every man for himself so why should I have to change just because your kid has an allergy?

I'm not saying I agree (even a tiny bit) with these points of view - these are just my pulled-out-of-my-ass theories as to why it seems people seem annoyed by the allergy problem.

Fred isn't eating food yet - but when he does, we'll follow the "only at home and then wash your hands" rule when it comes to nuts.

[Shandra]

I think people tend to shut down about things that are so overwhelmingly scary, like that someone else's (or your own) kid could _die_ because of a sandwich. Especially a sandwich that's been marketed as *the* kid food for generations.

In our society there is a (wrong) perception that we've somehow conquered all the nasties - that there's a pill or a shot for that, somewhere. And the rest of us need not worry or be inconvenienced, because "kids we know and love" will be safe.

[Brooke]

I really think that some people not understanding serious allergies stems from not all allergies being serious. Not all kids with peanut allergies are going to have a reaction in the same room as a peanut. And many children do outgrow mild food allergies. And many "allergies" are actually intolerances, which are never life threatening.

So I think some people see that one kid has an allergy that isn't so serious and think that this is true for all kids with food allergies. So, perhaps one place to start is not to label something an allergy if it isn't, and if it is, but is mild, let people know that.

I also think you should ask people to change their behavior if it isn't going to help. I think asking someone to wipe their kid's hands is kind of dumb, because if your kid is that allergic, it isn't going to help. The more you ask people to change, the more likely they are to get resentful, so only ask about things that matter. The less intrusive you are, the more likely you are to get compliance. So, if your kid has a mild allergy and being in the same room with peanut butter isn't going to affect him, let people know that. Just make sure they don't feed it to him. If you ask no one to have peanut butter in the room, but someone does, and your kid doesn't react, then the kid who has a more severe allergy and really can't be in the same room is less likely to be believed. Does that make sense?

I think peanut butter in general presents a problem because it's a relatively cheap food that most kids will eat. So finding a substitute can be sort of tricky, which might explain some of the hostility to banning it.

[Jamie]

Another factor is the rise in undiagnosed, or questionably diagnosed, "sensitivities." I have a friend whose nutritionist told her based on alternative testing approaches that she was allergic to dairy, wheat, corn, alfalfa, bell peppers...and I can't remember what else. So not only has she avoided these foods for fifteen years, she has never fed them to her daughters. She has fed them a ton of other potential allergens, and they have never had a scintilla of allergy symptoms AFAIK, but those foods are off the list.

Mostly this is something I just deal with because they are dear friends I rarely see, but they came to visit when I was eight days postpartum and it turned into a big deal. In the name of avoiding these foods, they ended up leaving my house a mess and me in a state of utter exhaustion.

Along with the rise in actual allergies (and I am, btw, very willing to accommodate families with allergies and would not mind at all to clean my kids' hands at a playground if asked by a stranger), there's been this increase in -- I don't know quite what to call them -- trendy faux-allergies. I know another woman whose child subsisted for months on a diet of mostly McDonald's fries because that was "all he could tolerate."

I think if you have women like that saying, "Look how red his eyes are -- I have to take him home right now" (when the eyes look normal to every other mom in the room), it can be tempting to dismiss other mothers' concerns about allergies even if they have the IgE testing to back them up.

In general, I'm willing to err on the side of caution and take a mom's word for it if she says there's an allergy. I read the linked Epi-Pen instructions appreciatively, because I want to be able to help if I'm ever in a situation that calls for it. But after knowing these two women I do wonder, when someone says her kid is allergic, just what kind of allergy she's talking about.

[Brooklyn Girl]

I think people just don't get it. As I commented on your previous post, I didn't get it until I had a child with a nut allergy over to my house.

And, I think that for people who don't get it, the more than valid concerns about public nut consumption seem like just another crazy thing about parenting in the 21st century. It's like the grandparents who insist that newborns should be put to sleep on their stomachs because they'll sleep better--SIDS wasn't drummed into their heads the way it was drummed into ours.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Oh, and I think Jamie's absolutely right. I have another friend who insists that her kids are allergic to wheat and, thus, can only have white bread. I tried to point out that white bread contains wheat, but she wasn't having any. It was clear to me that she just prefers white bread and so that's what she keeps in the house, but instead of saying that, she trots out "allergies."

[Carla Hinkle]

I do think some of the resistance comes from the current (perceived or actual) over-diagnosing, over-prescribing, over-parenting of kids. Think of the debates over the over-identification of kids as ADHD and corresponding medicating of them.

And of course, though most people (myself included) would not have any problem taking precautions for kids with serious or life threatening allergies, or even food intolerance (who wants to be the mom who gives Judy a stomachache all night? not me) there is sometimes a voice inside my head that wonders, Is little Jimmy REALLY allergic to X, or is his mom, who I know to be a bit freaky, just over-protecting him in another way that now affects the way I parent my kid?

Unfortunately this resistance spills over onto the parents who do have kids with serious allergies, etc and are just trying to advocate for/protect them.

[lisa]

Truly, how can we relate to an allergy so serious that to touch a substance could mean death? Even strong cleaning products won't do that. The concept is as fuzzy as the concept of a trillion.

So the thought that something most of us eat, and enjoy, being death to others is very difficult to comprehend. Especially when, as above, most people view an allergy as an inconvenience to others and not a serious health issue.

Perhaps calling it "peanut butter toxicity" or something more scary sounding might help?

[-erica]

I think what commenters are saying about the allergy label being misunderstood and overused is very true. I have an onion sensitivity. It makes me ill to eat onions - I don't die, I just have a terrible headache and er... digestive problems. But when I am in a restaurant, and I ask for my salad with no onions because I have a food sensitivity, I'll be darned if most of the time I don't get served my salad with big fat fresh onions parked right on top. However, if I say that I am allergic to them, and leave it up to the waiter to imagine that he may cause a trip to the hospital if he serves them to me, I get better results. If I wave the "Allergy Card" people pay better attention. But it is incorrect, I think, to call what I have an allergy.

We have a friend who is allergic to our cat. He can come in the house, stand next to the cat, even pet the cat and then wash his hands. But he can't touch the cat and then touch his face. That's when his face, eyes, etc, puff up, and all the the symptoms appear. So we tend to dismiss the allergy as "not really a problem". But really, I am sure the same thing would happen if he touched the hairy sofa and then his eyes. Or all the other cat-hairy items around the house. And it is a problem, for him, when he does react. We shouldn't be so casual about the problem...

I have a another friend who has a relative that has decided that allergies are the root of all her family's problems. Her kids have been eating "normal" all their lives when all of a sudden, when they were teenagers, she changed all the rules on them. For example, she shrieked at them for eating potato chips at a BBQ and digs through the garbage to find the empty wrapper so she can identify the evil toxins they've just consumed. And all she talks about is what she eats and what she does not eat. She brings all her own food everywhere, for herself and her kids. Man, if I had to go through that trouble, I'd just eat at home. My friend and I really think she just has an eating disorder, and feels the need to control everything she eats, and controls her family by subjecting them to the same rules that she's decided work for her. Do I believe they all really have "real" allergies? No, not at all.

For every person who will die if they are exposed to something they are allergic to, there is a whole group that do just fine with mostly avoiding what they are allergic/sensitive to. Look at me, I ate some really yummy chili last night at a superbowl party. I am paying for it today... I've already visited the bathroom about 27 times today. What was I thinking??? And my allergic-to-dairy sister-in-law - don't think that stops her from having a bowl of ice cream now and again. It should be called something different, the non-fatal allergy and the fatal allergy, to distinguish it in people's minds right off the bat, so they are not lumped together. A fatallergy? Whaddyathink?

[Ally]

I think a part of it is the availability of an overwhelming amount of information and opinions available to parents online. If you have a gassy, spitty 2-month-old and you think it's because of something you're eating and is being passed on in your breastmilk, or if it's the formula you're feeding, you can find a reputable source to back you up. If you think it's just because babies are gassy and spit-up a lot, you can find a source for that too. While I'm really glad those resources are out there, although I wish they'd all agree already, I think in a way it's diluted their authority and made a lot of information suspect. I'm sure the older generation especially feels that you can find an "expert" to agree with you no matter what these days, in much the same way every year there's a new food/drug/lifestyle choice that increases your risk for cancer, so why bother? Plus, the widespread nature of peanut and other deadly alleries thing is something new, and I think we all know how other people, again especially the older generations, react to new ideas and trends in parenting. "Just let 'em cry!" "But CIO doesn't WORK for every child." "Yes it does, just let 'em cry." (Ahem. My issue, my blog.)

And yes, there are people who use the term "allergy" when sensitivity or a plain old, "I don't like it" are really more appropriate and people know that and go on to assume that most allergies or whatnot are really in one's head. This happened to me when I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia, something even many doctors don't take seriously. And, unfortunately, I think there are people who just don't care. My MIL has type II diabetes, yet her family cooks with sugar in everything. Potato salad? Sweet. Green beans? Sweet. Ugh. Husband and I been together ovver 10 years and now, surprise, surprise, MIL's mother and sister have now been diagnosed with type II.

[mamacate]

This really isn't the same issue, but I just want to say that in my house, we are quite sensitive to the allergy issue. My kids have no allergies or sensitivities, but they go to a peanut-free preschool, and we are very careful to not even feed them peanut butter for breakfast, much less pack it in their lunch. But I have been publicly lambasted for sending granola bars that have been "processed in a plant that may have processed peanuts, almonds, or other nut products," and reminded very condescendingly that "this is a peanut-free school." There are, by the way, no children with actual peanut allergies in the classroom--I am not sure if there's even currently a child with such an allergy in the school or if it has become a permanent policy since it more than likely that if one allergic child graduates another will come in the next year and nobody wants to discover a toddler's allergy through a trip to the emergency room via daycare. I get that and I support it. I have no problem using alternate nut butters or just doing something different for lunch, though I realize that for poor families on WIC that's not so easy (and I think WIC should change that, fat chance, I know). But I really hate being treated like a criminal for possession of theoretical peanut residue. Ya know?

[Meg]

Well, I have to say that even though there are many different views on this out there, everyone has been very civil about it, and that is something.

My son does not seem to be sensitive to the point where the smell of peanut butter sets off a reaction, and I know that is true for some. Theorhetically, he can be in the same room with it as long as he does not ingest it. But he is four. And the other kids in the room are four. So, I don't even want it in the room with him.

Another not so nice thing about allergies? With each exposure, they can get worse. So, even if you have not had a potentially fatal reaction in the past, that is in no way a guarentee that the next one won't be. There is no way to tell. The last reaction he had, at 18 months old, was hives and swelling. I had no idea what it was, we had no idea he was allergic to anything...I got lucky that day that it wasn't worse. After that, we took him to the allergist who told us (after a prick test) that he was extremely allergic and we should carry the epi-pen at all times. The reason I tell you this is that if he was exposed again, we have no way of knowing what kind of reaction he would have. Maybe he would go into anaphalactic shock, maybe not. If he were just to have hives and swelling again, will all those pre-school and playgroup parents roll thier eyes at me and think "That crazy peanut lady was over reacting!" Maybe. But the danger would still be there and I would have to keep doing the same things I am doing no because who knows what might happen the next time? The only thing that would be different is that some of those parents wouldn't believe me anymore...what a scary and even more dangerous situation!

To those parents who will go out of their way to help me keep my child as safe as possible, thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those who just don't get it, maybe this will have opened your eyes a little. Before I had kids with allergies I did not get it at all, so I understand where you are coming from. To those parents who may think I am being overly dramatic or don't want thier lives to be inconvenienced by this, I'm sorry and too bad. I did not want to be the crazy peanut lady, but I am. I will continue to speak up for my kids, even if it offends you or makes you think I am nuts (pun intended).

Thanks Moxie, for putting this out there and thanks to everyone who expressed thier opinions...if I agreed with them or not we were able to discuss it civilly here, and that doesn't always happen on the internet!

Megan

[Meramoo]

Megan, that makes perfect sense to me. It's the same thing as with bee stings, right?

I'm another one who's allergic to cats, and like Erica's friend, I can be in the same house for a short while. But I can't sleep over, and as soon as I get home, I immediately throw everything I was wearing into the laundry and jump in the shower because I'm itchy and can't breathe well. A lot of the time, people don't know the extremes you go to because it happens in private.

[mb]

One thing to keep in mind is that, for a while there, the accepted medical word was that allergies were psychomatic in nature. At least, that's what a few (mostly retired) doctors I know of were taught in medical school. Now, of course, the majority opinion seems to be that the immune system is the key, but I think that that "psychosomatic" thing dies hard.

But, you know...you can blame me for part of the lackadasical attitude toward allergies. No, really. Because, when I was a wee child and was visiting other people's homes, often a food would be served for dinner that I did not like. (I had a deal with my mother: I ate all of my vegetables without complaint, and in return I didn't have to eat the foods I did not like, such as peppers and onions.) Anyway, I would get out of eating said food by claiming to be allergic. I'm sure that there are some people out there now thinking, "oh, SUUUUUURE that kid is "allergic" to peanuts, the way that mb was "allergic" to meatloaf." If I had known then what I knew now...

[SheilaC]

Well said, Megan!

I agree with other posters, that many people have allergies and food intolerances which cause only mild discomfort or inconvenience. That makes us all less concerned when we hear about one more allergy, especially when it seems to require a lot of effort to avoid the substance. And we're all busy people, so sometimes we just forget about the things we can't bring to school or other children's events.

While it's reasonable for parents to expect that the school, day care, play date families and others avoid the allergenic substance, we still must be vigilant to double check that foods really are safe, and that the Epipen is available just in case. And if our child is in somebody else's care, we have to expect that same double-checking from them, every single time.

[SZ]

this discussion reminded me of a comic by the artist Adrian Tomine, who draws covers for the New Yorker magazine, and who has a severe peanut allergy. His first book had a bittersweet, funny story about being a kid with a peanut allergy which nobody took seriously (this would've been the early 80's).
At one point, other kids tried to hold him down and put peanut butter in his mouth just to see what would happen. had they succeeded, he probably would have died. The book is called "32 Stories", and if you're close to someone with a peanut allergy, I recommend it.

[Lioness]

We are seeing a rise in allergies in Portugal as well, and, like Christine in the post below, i think it stems from neurotic cleaning (she didn't put it like that, i am) AND the greater pollution everywhere. Re peanuts I was very happy, bcs I know how common it is, that we didn't have peanut butter in the country, just not our cup of tea. Oh but sod you America, it's arrived and I think Porties are absolutely unprepared.

Part of the problem may be, we don't eat insulin, it's sort of an exotic thing bcs it's alien to us. Peanuts, shellfish, eggs = food, and food is safe, yes? Just like all natural products are safe, even when they may kill you if you overdose.

Alex's comment in your other post is frankly shocking. Were Alex, God forbid, to have a child in a wheelchair, I'm sure she'd be very happy to carry him up all stairs every day, lay him on the ground, then carry the wheelchair, etc. I'm sure she would think that demanding to have a ramp installed would be an inconvenience. I'm sure she wouldn't want the child to go on field trips bcs the time it would taken to load him and his stuff onto the bus would well, be unfair to all the other children. That is too vile and self-centred and I too wonder what her motives are. We live together as a community or we exist within our island of selfishness, and what a bleak place that must be. I don't mean to offend anyone but if a parent walks up to someone and asks them to please help reduce the risk that their child MAY DIE and they take offence, it says a lot abt their feelings of inadequacy when they feel offended bcs who the bloody hell could possibly resent that? It's not a hygiene matter, it's a child's life - HULLO! - so don't make it abt you and your life choices. Sorry but it makes me bloody mad to think abt what these parents must go through.

Megan, I am so sorry, no child should be denied a as simple as possible childhood. I think the gloves' idea is an excellent one but only after the child is old enough to understand how dangerous their allergies are - and what are parents supposed to do in the meantime? Isolate the child even more? I have psoriasis and some things simply make it flare like pink neon signs. I am still given grief when I say no to pork, or alcohol, or chocolate (blah anyway) or dishwashing (I will help tidy up and dry but will not touch detergent)- and my hands are COVERED w it so it's not like it's not visible to everyone. I think people view it as a refusal to accept their life choices, or trying to be different. Newsflash, I AM genetically different and I will not make you feel better in your insecurities by harming myself and becoming even more of a pink panther, so that's that. And my psoriasis is not life threatening, just painful and ugly, so I cannot imagine what it must feel like for parents like Megan. My heart breaks for all the parents who have their hearts on their throats even more than usual bcs there is always something that can go wrong.

Shutting up now. Finally.

PS- I lied, must add this: Moxie, I love me your education.

[shannon]

This explains why I feel embarassed about my food allergies--I feel judged for them. I can't eat ANY raw fruits or vegetables. Anaphylactic shock, folks.
But whenever I decline to eat salad at someone's dinner party I feel terribly guilty. Surely they don't want my death to disrupt the jollity. I guess I should get over it.

[Foster]

Frankly, the Peanut Issue is a tough one b/c it is weird and inconvenient. I mean, you will DIE b/c you eat a FOOD??? Or even breathe the scent of said food?????? Insane!! You must be crazy!! How on EARTH will you survive in the adult world where no one will give a rip about your allergy, and you will touch a pole on the bus and die anyway. This is exactly what I thought even as a kid when a kid in my school was so allergic to things that someone wearing perfume caused him to have to sit in the hallway. I flat out said to my mom (who taught at the school) "What is he going to do as an adult? No one is going to stop wearing perfume just b/c he cant handle it."

I havent heard of another allergy that causes death just by inhaling the scent (except plants, duh). At least if you are allergic to eggs, you probably have to eat them. If you know your neighbor has a dog, you do not go over there. I want to know how those severely allergic to peanuts do manage to survive b/c you NEVER know who has touched what before you. That is what I mean by inconvenient (and to other ppl who are not allergic, but like you and want to see you).

At my husbands work, there are enough ppl allergic to perfume that no one is allowed to wear anything scented except for deodorant. Did you know that it is impossible to find unscented aftershave? Fortunately for him, hand sanitizer is the same thing, so he uses that instead.

I think at preschools, daycares, childrens museums, etc, no peanuts is fine. I respect your familys allergies b/c I do not want anyone to get sick/die. But at a playground (many of which do not have sinks & soap) or another public place, most ppl are NOT going to think about it.

[alaskagirl]

My 4 year old daughter is deathly allergic to peanuts and must have the epipen with her where ever she goes. I think it is amazing how ignorant people are as to the seriousness of food allergies, allergies in general. I told all of my neighbors and neighborhood children that play with or around my daughter about the allergy and not to share snacks and so on. The next day my neighbor's daughter who is 8 gives my daughter a peanut m&m in front of her mother, luckily she didn't have a reaction
because no one came and told me what had happened until about 2 hours later when my older daughter heard the neighbor talking about it. What do you do in a situation like this? I feel like putting my daughter in a bubble where nothing can harm her. I won't go on about the irresponsibilities of my neighbor, but food allergies really are a very seriouse thing, life threatening, and for our little ones who really don't have a concept of how serious it can be to their very existence, it's just a pain in the butt that they can't have that peanut treat their friend is eating. As an adult she will be more aware of her surroundings and the ingredients in foods so she will know what she can and can't have. I disagree that people don't care about other peoples allergies. For the most part I think it is more so about people who are not properly informed or educated, but I have found that once people are told the situation and the seriousness of it all, they become very receptive, other than my neighbor.