Q&A: missing the first week of Kindergarten

Tonya writes:

"I know your sons aren't ready for Kindergarten yet, but I trust your opinion so here goes:

My sister lives in another state and she's getting married this year. She wants to get married on Labor Day weekend.  My sister wants my daughter to be her flower girl. Unfortunately, my daughter is starting Kindergarten this fall. School will probably start the week before Labor Day, so I'd have to take my daughter out of school at least one day if not the whole week to be at the wedding. (We would be driving to the wedding because we can't afford to fly, and the trip is about 13 hours of driving, so 2 days of driving.) I'm not willing to do this because I think that my daughter will miss out on the friendships that occur on the first few days of school. Do you think I'm overreacting? I feel bad for making my sister choose a different date for the wedding, but I also need to be an advocate for my daughter. My daughter goes to daycare/preschool everyday because I work out of the home, so I know my daughter will not have problems adjusting to being away from me. I also don't think she will have problems making friends at Kindergarten, I just want to make sure she has every opportunity to do that."

Thanks for the vote of confidence--I hope I can live up to your expectations.

I'm going to completely leave your daughter out of it for a minute, and suggest that your sister should not have her wedding on Labor Day to begin with. It sounds like a great idea to have a wedding on a holiday weekend, because everyone has that day off so they can take an extra day after the wedding. But in reality, you're costing them more money because all plane tickets are super-expensive on a holiday weekend, and hotels are more expensive. Plus, you're robbing them of a holiday weekend they could otherwise spend going somewhere else or just sleeping in and drinking beer and barbecuing in the backyard or doing whatever they like to do best. Which is most certainly not going to a wedding, no matter how much they love you and want you to have lifelong happiness. (Unless they really love the Electric Slide.) So it's actually a favor to your guests not to have your wedding on a holiday weekend.

You know, it just occurred to me that if you could convince your sister not to have the wedding on Labor Day weekend for the above reasons, then your daughter could be completely left out of it. Which would just make it easier for everyone involved.

The actual issue of whether or not missing the first few days of school is going to hurt her socially is a tough one. It's absolutely true that she'll be able to make friends even if she misses a few days at the very beginning of school. However, it's also true that missing time in the first week will put her at a disadvantage and might make her feel insecure and confused. I don't know your daughter's personality, either. Some kids can just hop right in and not feel self-conscious. If it had been me at that age, missing a few days at the beginning of school would have made me even shier and hesitant than I already was (with the other kids--with grown-ups I was fine). Kindergarteners can be tough.

If you think it's going to make it awful for your daughter to miss those days, then you have to go with your gut. But honestly, I'd try to see if your sister will move the wedding date (although it's probably a little late for that by now since it's only 8 months away) just to make it easier for her guests. If that works, then you won't even have to consider the issue with your daughter.

Let us know what happens.

Comments

[Jen (yup, another one)]

As an elementary school librarian and the partner of a kindergarten teacher, let me add that it's not just the friendships she will be missing. A HUGE piece of kindergarten is learning routines and how kindergarten and school work, particularly if a child has not been in school before. Luckily, this child has been in school before and will have a general sense of "how school works" but she won't know this teacher or this school (if it's a new school). That can really be a challenge.

Good luck working this one out - families and weddings are a such a minefield!

[beaver girl]

I couldn't agree more about NOT getting married on a holiday weekend. People look forward to those so they can do their own thing. I always resent people taking that weekend away.

[ALG]

I thought I'd chime in here.

I switched to a new school for 3rd grade, and I missed the first two days because I was home sick. It was terrible starting in a new school on the third day of school. Even the other kids who were new were at an advantage. I felt very self-conscious about now knowing the routine at all. Things like lunchtime and recess and how the spelling book worked were all mysteries to me for much longer than necessary. Note that I was shy and insecure in general, and that I was switching from a smaller, warmer school to a larger, more academically rigorous one. But I was in that school for 3rd through 12th grades and I never forgot that I had missed those two first days. (Also, I did make friends in the end. And the fact that it took awhile might be more because a lot of the girls were nasty than because I missed the first two days of school.)

I also missed the first day of my senior year of high school because of a visit to my grandparents that I couldn't rearrange, and that had absolutely no effect whatsoever.

[wix]

another vote against the labor day wedding in the first place. perhaps you should gently suggest that your sister canvass her guest list to see whether any of them already have labor day commitments? i have two separate sets of friends who always get together on july 4, so there may be some annual things she hasn't considered or just doesn't know about.

if her switching the date of the wedding isn't an option, how disappointed will everyone be if there is no flower girl at the wedding (including your daughter)?

the only thing that would prompt me to keep CX out of the first week of school would be an illness or life/death situation, or something (like a cross-country move due to work or school) that just could not be avoided. in my opinion, a wedding doesn't qualify, and while i enjoy weddings and rarely miss one, it's the -marriage- that i value, not the ceremony, so, consider the source. :)

[Carrie]

Sligthly dissenting view (but hey, I got married over Labor Day weekend, so I am biased):
Do all you can to minimize the number of days (maybe you can drive all 13 hours on Friday if you have two drivers and start at 3 am like we did as kids).

You mention that you might only need to take her out of school for one or two days. If that's the case, she will probably have already gone two or three days that week, so she won't be clueless when she comes back to school after the holiday. As long as she gets the very first day and a couple of the other early ones after that so she will know the start routine, the Pledge routine, story time, lining up, etc, she'll do just fine when she goes back. If there are any orientation days beforehand where she could meet some of the other kids and the teacher, that would be helpful too.
It will really depend on what kind of kid she is. Outgoing? Shy? Adaptable?

[Tonya]

Thanks Moxie for answering my question.

I ended up telling my sister that we couldn't do it Labor day weekend. Mainly because we couldn't determine from the school when classes for Kindergarten would start. (Last year they didn't start until Tuesday or Wednesday of that week.) My sister and I talked about doing it a week or two later in September, or in June (because the place she had her heart set on isn't available in July or August). My sister and her fiance decided on June. I wasn't able to keep my daughter out of it, but as far as I'm aware, it ended well.

[Num Num]

Glad Tonya's situation ended well. I'm with the majority here. The first few days of school are crucial in the child's life and almost nothing is worth depriving her of that. It can create problems for years.

[Cricket]

I realize I am coming into this late, but I was married on July 3 and there was nothing better than that annual freebie day off of work to celebrate my anniversary, fireworks to boot. Although that marriage ended after 17 years, ex got remarried on Labor Day weekend for the same reason. Too bad about attendees and their holiday, but a marriage is a lot longer than a wedding. Or so one would hope.

Also, few kids wouldn't adapt to having a few days off at the beginning of school. In fact, our schools have an open house the week before, so the early introductions could happen then. Also, many schools have K registration/tours the spring before; there are lots of chances to get acclimated. My son is very shy and I would have worried the same, but there are ways around it and kids adjust very well.