Q&A: Reclaiming yourself

Jen asks:

"Hi Moxie,

I have always been a fan of your advice and am so thrilled you started an advice column. I hope you can shed some light on my situation.

I gave birth to Sophie after a rather stressful and often times gloomy pregnancy that was plagued by one darn thing after another. I thought to myself that at her birth we'd reach this crescendo and all would be so great afterwards. Only, it sort of didn't happen that way.

Sophie screamed nonstop from birth, had apnea spells, plateaued her weight gain and in her 4th week of life slept 20 minutes a day. Her 5th week was no better when we saw a single hour of sleep. She screamed, vomited copious amounts of everything and gorged herself on the breast. We were feeding ever 15 minutes. Finally, by the grace of G-d, we got into a Paed's office and she was diagnosed with severe silent reflux. Since then we've battled on with a severe reaction to a drug, balancing 2 medicines daily and teaching her how to sleep and eat properly.

Now at almost 16 weeks things are starting to settle down (I never expect life to be 'settled') but I've developed PTSD amid PPD and was diagnosed with physical exhaustion and have been put on anti-anxiety meds and an antidepressant. I'm feeling ok about that (nervous about the drugs in the breastmilk) but the doctor ordered me to take some time out for me. Get a sitter a couple hours a week and go do things for me. Take an overnight holiday he said.

And with Christmas coming up all the relatives and friends want to 'do things' for me and give me gifts. And I just can't let them. I guess I feel no one would know how to cope with Sophie's meltdowns or how to soothe her, how to give her medicine, etc. I feel such anxiety over it. So I've declined to let anyone watch her. I've worked a way to have about 30 minutes to myself a day and that feels really good.

But I'm suddenly stuck wondering where I've gone. In those 30 minutes I'm supposed to do something I like. Only, I don't even remember what I like and none of my old hobbies appeal. I'm too tired to go jogging or go swimming as was suggested by the doctor and I just want to hole up and hide. I already bathe with Sophie as a means of destressing so it's not like I want another bath. I can't even tell people what I'd like for a Christmas gift because I can't even feel desire for anything -- not even chocolate or cake!

Is this just part of the depression? Where on earth have I gone!? I know they say the AD's don't change you but I sort of want it to -- I want some of me back!"

Thank you!

If it makes you feel at all better, I think you're having a completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation that's become normal for us. If that makes any sense. Let me explain.

I think the way we parent is absolutely nuts. We are all isolated in our own little houses trying to stay interested and keep our heads above water being alone with a baby for the whole day. That's just not normal. Humans are created to be around other humans, and not just teeny tiny humans.

We should all be living as tribes or small villages. If we lived with other people around us, parenting wouldn't be as stressful or isolating, because we'd be talking to other adults all day. And they'd help us raise our children. Need to take a nap? One of the old ladies or teenagers would be happy to play with your baby for an hour or two. Feeling frustrated? One of the moms of older kids would help give you a little perspective, and you'd look at her kids and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Need some time alone with your husband? Your baby can crawl around with the other babies at a neighbor's house. In short, you wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place.

So that's the abnormal part. Now, I think your reactions to this are completely normal. I felt, and I know lots and lots of other moms who felt, a physical and emotional pull toward our babies that was shocking. Before I had El Chico I thought for sure I'd be happy to leave him with a babysitter for a few hours at a time. But then once he was here I just couldn't imagine it. He was part of me, and when I wasn't with him I couldn't even imagine what I'd do. My husband would say, "Honey, just go out for an hour or two and do whatever you want. We'll be fine here without you." I had no worries whatsoever about the two of them together, but I literally could not think of a single thing to do by myself. I'd usually end up wandering aimlessly through the aisles at the grocery store.

I know I'm not the only one who had this same experience (anyone else who wants to pipe in, feel free, especially adoptive moms, because my suspicion is that you have the same exact experience as bio moms with the separation thing, but I don't know as I'm not an adoptive mom). I think it's partly biological (the same way we become forgetful during pregnancy), and partly emotional (because of the love and connection we feel for our babies) and partly a result of stress (sleep deprivation, recovering from pregnancy, wondering who the hell we are anymore). But it's normal.

In my experience, it started to go away once my baby started crawling. Funny, isn't it, that as soon as he could start to leave me I was ready to start to leave him a little? I can't believe it's just a coincidence.

So, in the meantime, what do you do to get some relief? Well, knowing that how you feel about being away from Sophie is normal and not something to be worried about or "cured," I'd say you should ask for things that will get you more support and contact from people who care about you while you're with Sophie. Ask people to come over and bring you lunch and stay for an hour or two. Yes, they'll probably hold Sophie while you go to the bathroom or toss in a load of laundry, but the point won't be for them to babysit her. The point will be to create more of a community to help support you both (and your husband, too, of course). Ask for people to give you a gift certificate of their time to come sort through baby clothes with you, or paint some room that needs to be painted, or go to the zoo with you, etc.

In the meantime, have you started going to any groups for moms of new babies? I think peer support is absolutely critical for new mothers. You can find friends at breastfeeding support groups, baby classes, the public library, La Leche League, and hospital support groups. These groups can also help you organize your week by giving you something to look forward to and plan around.

Once you start feeling like you're not so trapped in your own head, you'll have a little room to breathe and you'll start to get interested in the things you used to be interested in. Maybe you'll join a book club (once a month leaving Sophie with your husband for a few hours won't seem like anything by then) or train for running races (with Sophie along).

I'm going to disagree with your doctor here that you should go on an overnight by yourself. Not because I think there's anything wrong or unnatural about a mother going away from her baby, but because I know I couldn't have done it when mine were that age. I would have gone into a full-blown panic attack because it would just have felt so wrong to me. But I know it's not that way forever, and won't be for you, so don't feel like you have to force yourself to do something you don't think is right for you.

If you don't feel like leaving her yet, don't. But try to bring the outside world, and the people who care about you, into your life more. You'll get your old self (actually it'll be your new, improved self) back soon enough once you start to reenter the world. (And if you need to ask for physical things for Christmas, ask for a great jogging stroller--so you can walk or run with Sophie--and some Lilypadz--if she's been nursing every 15 minutes you probably have a heck of a supply and are probably leaking a lot at night!)

Comments

[Sherry]

When the twins arrived, things seemed so easy with my husband around, but as soon as he went back to work, and here I was, alone with two balls of scream and cry and eat, it was all over but the shoutin'.

It's been almost 5 months, and it's just now that I feel more comfortable with resuming some semblance of a normal life (attending church, eating out occasionally, visiting friend) with and without the kids. Recently, a good friend dragged me out to dinner and a concert and it was so recharging. As apprehensive as I was to leave my babies, and as much as I talked about them (to total strangers, mind you) while I was out, I returned home recharged and more ready than ever to tackle what's going on.

Good luck, Jen. I hope things with Sophie get easier soon.

[kate]

Jen -

I know they're cheesy and insufficient, but I have to give you some cyber hugs. My son (6 months now) had extreme, severe, 24 hour colic that has gradually gone away (though he is still a high needs, intense little guy). He had major sleeping (lack of) issues (still kind of does) and would have major meltdowns at *least* once a day while in the thick of the colic. Thinking back on those months makes my stomach turn over; I'm not sure how I didn't drown myself.

I totally understand about you being the only one who can handle Sophie's meltdowns. My own mother was afraid to watch Cam after she witnessed one of his more impressive freak outs. I was afraid to leave him with anyone, scared that he'd be so awful that they'd shake him or yell at him or something.

To be honest, I did not find a solution. I wished for a friend who also had a difficult baby, but everyone I knew had "textbook" babies. My saving grace was time - he has gotten increasingly calmer and easier since turning four months. I can now bring him out without fear, and I've even left him with my parents a couple of times.

Anyway, I wish I had some wise words for you - I think Moxie's advice is great. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I know you probably hear this a million times a week, but it will get better. I'm so sorry that you're going through it, but happy to hear that it sounds like things are getting more manageable for you.

All the best.

[Linda]

I couldn't even leave my kids in the church nursery until they were around 14 months. And our church has a 1:1 caregiver: child ratio until 6 months and 1:2 from 6-12 months. For some reason, once they could walk and talk and communicate their needs (for the most part) in a way that other people (not just regular caregivers) could understand, it got a lot easier. But I still don't like being away from them at night.

It has made a huge difference in my life to find other mom friends. It's helped me see that all kids are different, but we all struggle with similar issues. Support groups are great, as long as you find one that lets you be REAL and you don't have to shower and put on make-up and just talk about the good things. If you have to put on a perfect mom mask, it's not worth it, IMO.

[Heather]

Moxie- this wa s a wonderful post/answer. with a background in cultural anthropology/sociology, I feel comfortable saying that you are absolutely correct about the way we parent in our society. It is completely unnatural. Women are expected to have a baby, know how to nurse without support, thrive on no sleep, keep the house clean, and the list just goes on. It is unrealistic and these expectations are dangerous to the psyches of already fragile women going through some pretty drastic hormonal changes. I "knew" how hard it was going to be having a baby, but I didn't know how truly mind-blowing it really could be. I feel like I'm only starting to come to grips with a lot of it now after 10 months. And there are still so many days where I just wish that I had some support.

Also, I felt the exact same way as Jen. I felt like I had electric-mother syndrome. My nerve endings felt like they had some kind of electrical impulse that wouldn't let me accept help from anyone, and I truly didn't want to leave my son alone. I couldn't even go to sleep when my husband was home because I just couldn't relax. Once I reached the stage where I could, I no longer had any help.

Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Nancy]

My partner and I went to see Harry Potter the other night and left our 6 week old with dear friends. I LOVE Harry, but I kept leaning over and saying, "I miss the baby". We went for a quickie dinner after, and I started to cry because I felt like a part of me was missing, and I felt like a bad partner for missing Jack the whole time we were on our "date". We pretty much ran out of the restaurant halfway through the meal.

However, when I visited my co-workers last week, we hung out and chatted for hours while they passed the baby around, and I was fine.

Thank you so much for normalizing this in a way that really makes sense to me. I feel like everything is turned upside down right now, and this really helped.

Nancy

[Shandra]

Thanks for this one. Moxie - I agree totally about society and I'm glad to know that maybe around 6 months it'll be easier to leave my child - he's a really easygoing baby and I still find myself really reluctant to go far at all. This made me feel less nuts about it and see that things will, in fact, change - so why rush it?

And an overnight sounds like a good idea in theory and totally nuts in practice.

Jen - it is 'normal' (whatever that is) when coming out of a depression to feel the way you do about activities and gifts and stuff. I think you will find yourself as things gradually ease. In the meantime if you have relatives or friends who really know you (or knew the old you) ask them to suggest things. They can help bridge that gap while you're still recovering. Hang in there. :)

[Jen P]

Just wanted to post thanks. Sorry it took so long -- things, as always, are hectic. Again, thanks Moxie.