Q&A: Preparing for a Baby Boy

Jessica writes:

"My question revolves around your knowledge as a mother to two children, specifically two boys.

We are expecting our second child this April.  We recently found out that he will be a boy. We already have a 2 3/4 year old daughter.  Our family has tons of girls in it, and everyone (myself included) thought this baby would be another girl.  While we are very excited to be having a boy, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.  I think my major concern is that I don't really know what to do with a boy.  Several friends suggested some "retail therapy" to help me get more in the little boy mood, which is also necessary since we knew we were having a girl the first time and consequently own very little baby clothing that is not purple or pink. Other than more masuline clothing, is there anything you "need" for a boy baby?  Or for two children?  All I can think of are more carseats and a double stoller, as well as replacing a few items that either we either wore out or didn't like with my daughter.  Also, do you have any little boy tips?  Or dealing with a newborn and also an older sibling tips?  We are a very girly household, and my husband, though great while he is home, travels a lot for business.  Part of me knows very well that everything will be fine, but another part is panicked."

My biggest tip is to stay out of the way of the penis.

Not really, of course. My biggest tip is to prepare yourself for The Cute. Because boys are cute. Not that girls aren't, but there's just something about baby boys that makes them irresistable. Do you have any friends with baby boys? Because you might want to see if you can spend a little time with one so you can steel yourself for the full frontal attack of cuteness. Am I sounding goofy and over-the-top? Of course I am. But I can't help it. I just love boys. (And I was one of those women who always assumed she'd have at least one daughter and never gave a thought to having a boy. But I find myself staring at baby boys much more than baby girls now that I have one--kind of the way I now think bald men a super-sexy since my husband lost his hair.)

I think the only prep you need to do for having a boy instead of a girl is to be on the same page with your partner about a few key issues, specifically penis issues and gender issues.

Penis: I'm certainly not going to tell you what to do about circumcision, although I can offer my own experience. I felt that it was not right to cut off a part of a person's body without that person's informed consent, and El Grande was OK with that, so we didn't circ. It turns out that I took the easy way out, because there has never been any maintenance on either of my uncut boys' members. However, penises are strange little creatures, and it took me almost a year not to be a little stunned every time I changed a diaper and saw one there. At any rate, make sure you and your partner are absolutely on the same page about circumcision before you have the baby. Then, whether you cut or not, be prepared to think it's all a little strange down there for awhile.

Gender: The two of you as a team need to talk about what messages you want to send your son about sex and gender roles and identity. I imagine it's different from the way you approach this stuff with a girl, since no one will tell you not to get a girl a catcher's mitt or let her wear denim overalls. But plenty of people don't feel comfortable letting their sons play with dolls or wear toenail polish. Talk about it now, so that no one gets upset about things that happen, presents that are given, clothes that are worn, etc.

About the things that you need for having two kids:

A double stroller is essential if you use strollers at all. (I realize some people in suburbs never need them--in the city where I live it would be ridiculous to try to get by without one.) Think about how much and where you're going to use the stroller. If your daughter is a decent walker you might want to think about something like the Caboose. In NYC I go so far that my older son can't always walk that far (3 mile roundtrips, for example) that we bit the bullet and invested in a Phil and Ted's  (for some reason the Amazon page only shows it in single mode--you buy an extra seat that attaches underneath and behind the main seat so you have two kids stacked vertically in the footprint of a single stroller) The Phil and Ted's has changed my life and I recommend it unreservedly. If you'll be pushing both kids a lot but don't want to spend the money on the Phil and Ted's and have lots of wide doorways, consider a side-by-side umbrella double like the Maclaren or the Inglesina Twin Swift.

Even before you use the stroller, though, you'll need a really good front carrier for the baby, so you can be handsfree to play with your older one. I have an Ellaroo Wrap and I absolutely love it. We used it from Day 2, and it was the perfect carrier--more secure than a ring sling, but he could lie down horizontally in it and nurse easily (and completely discreetly). I honestly don't know how I could have managed without a great front carrier, because the little baby needs to be held all the time, but you still have to play with and feed and run around with your older one.

Read Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish (the women who wrote the classic How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk). A lot of the stuff in it is common sense, but there are some interesting things that I never would have thought about, like not allowing your kids to assign themselves roles within the family. The section on figuring out whether you need to intervene in a fight or not is easily worth the price of the book.

I can't think of any other objects that you need for either a boy or for going from one to two kids. You will probably get peed on a few times in the beginning, but a washcloth works as well as those things they sell to deflect the pee. I'm sure if there's anything else someone will mention it in the comments.

The thing I very strongly suggest is that you arrange for someone to be there to help you for the first few weeks. The first three weeks are just mind-boggling. You're really stuck between your two children with their conflicting needs. If you have someone else there to play with your older child it takes a lot of the pressure off you. By the sixth week you'll start to get it together, so if you can have someone there with you for at least the first three weeks you'll have the best start possible.

My only other advice is not to get cocky like I did. I thought it would be so much easier the second time through because I knew what I was in for. And I guess it was easier in a way, but only because I was able to keep in my mind that the bad things wouldn't last forever. But all that other stuff--worrying about milk supply, night waking, feeling trapped, feeling flabby and ugly, the witching hour, resenting the inherent work imbalance of the first few months, being tired of holding up the entire world with only two arms--all that was still there. If you know it's going to be just as ugly the second time you can grit your teeth and get through the first few months, and if it turns out to be a lot easier for you you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck. Having a second child is a wonderful roller coaster that will add more love and more chaos to your family.

Comments

[Lisa]

After raising two boys, here is my #1 tip: (Moxie hit on this with her washcloth hint.)

When you get ready to change a diaper DO NOT open it all the way immediately.

I used to take the tapes off (or the velcro if you're using cloth), then sliiiiightlly lift the diaper. This will send enough cool air (the pee-pee trigger) to make Baby pee if he needs to. Immediate warmth to the front of the diaper will be your clue that he needed to.

After a few seconds, you're free to take the diaper off and change. Voila!

[Linda]

I have no boys but I do have 4 nephews and several friends with boys. I STILL am surprised by that penis when a diaper is being changed. I assume you get used to it after a while, but I'm always like, "Oh, there you are, little friend!"

[Margaret]

When I was pregnant for the first time and we found out that the baby was a boy, it threw me for a loop. I just felt like boys were "the Other," the unknown. I wondered what I was going to do with a boy, just like you. Then a wise friend asked me what exactly I thought I might do differently with a girl vs. a boy. Wasn't I going to love, hold, care for, coo at, play peekaboo with a boy baby just as well as a girl? Of course the clothes & toys might be different, especially later on, but in the beginning -- a baby is a baby. *He* certainly doesn't know there is any difference between the sexes, let alone which kind he is! All your baby will know is that you are his mommy and he needs you. When he gets big enough for his boy-ness to matter, you will already be so intimately familiar with him, the person, that the rest will come naturally. Just be open to falling in love with your baby and discovering who he is.

I went on to have two more boys after the first one, and I wouldn't trade any of them! :-) It is terribly sweet to be adored by little boys. And it is an honor to be responsible for raising good men.

BTW we also chose not to circumcise and are happy with that decision.

[kris]

I have just one piece of advice for you, with changing boy's diapers:

Always point the penis downward, into the diaper before you close it up and put his clothes back on.

This was the single most useful piece of advice I received when I was expecting my son. It has saved us MANY leaks.

Best of luck!

[Lee]

The woman who wrote Mother Shock also put out a collection of stories about raising sons...I'd check it out (many stories have the same theme as your question). The book is called "It's a Boy: Women Writers on Raising Sons".

(fyi, I bought it on Tertia's recommendation..she blogged about it a while back)

[Andrea]

Oh, I could have written this letter a while back-- my second child was also the first boy in the extended family in quite a while, and my first experience with a little boy since my babysitting days (and that was NOT fun).

I really never envisioned myself with a male child. I didn't like little boy clothes or boy toys, and I hate most sports. I would look at my wonderful daughter and I even felt a little sorry for my new mommy friends who had boys and not girls.

But oh, how I adore my son now! I wouldn't change a thing about him, including his sex. I look back at myself and wonder how I ever thought I would have preferred all girls. I'm still not nuts about cars and balls, but if it makes him happy, I'm playing along, just like I do with his sister and her toys. You don't really "do" anything differently with a boy baby, although as he grows you may find that even without any prodding, he's interested in things that seem typically "boy." (My 15 mon. old son is really into anything that looks like a tool or a stick or has buttons to push...maybe it's the Y chromosome, maybe it's that his dad's an engineer).

I also second the suggestion that you think about how boys and girls should be raised differently, or how they are treated differently, by you or by others. I think our house is pretty unisex and egalitarian in approach, but for Christmas the boy got trucks and the girl got dolls from our extended families, so at least unconsciously, our relatives don't always see it the same way. And I had a big argument with a friend about whether there should be different rules for boys and girls as they get older-- i.e., at what age would you let your child go to the mall alone or walk home from a friend's house at night?

I highly recommend the Andrea Buchanan book It's a Boy-- definitely some interesting essays.

And by the way, my son has never peed on me during a diaper change, although he did projectile poop once. He's not circ'ed, perhaps that helps him avoid the cold-air pee release reflex?

As far as gear, definitely get a double stroller; I didn't and spent months regretting it.

Things are very different with the second child, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm an experienced parent, there are now two kids to contend with at once, or because he's a boy. The first few months with two kids is very hard. Just remember things do settle down in time, and get as much help as you can. It's also helpful to have a regular playdate, sitter, preschool or something for your older child, and also for you to carve out some time alone with her (good joke, I know).

After the initial shock, you'll probably find that some things that were huge deals the first time you had a baby aren't this time around, and you'll get a huge charge out of seeing your kids having fun with each other as they get older.

[Amy]

Jessica,

My oldest is a boy, and my younger one is a girl, plus I have a younger brother so I didn't have precisely the experience you are. That said, I do recall after I found out that I was pregnant with my second -- a baby who was much wanted and planned for -- a terrible crisis of confidence. I couldn't imagine how a second baby would fit into our lives, or how I could ever love another child as much as I loved my son. I literally spent days during my first trimester crying about this issue (damn hormones!). As I talked to my friends who had more than one child about this, I realized that its a pretty common experience. So when I read your question I wondered if maybe you weren't going through a similar version of it, just that it was manifesting in the question of being a mom to a boy?

Regardless, I think you'll find that once the baby is here, you'll wonder how you ever questioned it. Baby boys are no different than baby girls -- they need love, food, warmth -- all of the things that you gave your daughter. And I found that the second time around was so much better -- I knew from experience that the infant days don't last forever, and so the sleepless nights, crying, endless nursing, etc. didn't seem so overwhelming as all I had to do was look at my older child to be reminded how quickly it passed.

And all my worries about my ability to love another as much as my first? They pretty much vanished once my daughter was born. Don't get me wrong, my son still has a special place in my heart for being my first, but my daughter, who is so sweet and funny and different from my son, has her own place too. I feel so blessed to have her, and to have the experience of being a mom to a son and a daughter. I expect you'll find the same thing is true with your son.

And finally, the earlier posters are right -- penises are ODD! But you'll get used to it, eventually. Best of luck.