Q&A: Nighttime Sleep #1

Shaynee writes:

"I'll start with a parenting favorite: difficulty sleeping. My 10-month-old daughter has never been a great sleeper. For most of her life she has awakened every two to three hours, either to eat (when she was younger) or simply by starting awake. For the last couple of months she has been waking every 45 minutes to an hour--essentially, at the end of almost every sleep cycle. Her twice-daily naps have never lasted longer than 45 minutes, and recently they have dropped to 30 minutes.

For a little background on our sleeping arrangement: She slept in a co-sleeper and our bed until she was about five months old. Since then, she has been spending the first part of the night, when we are still up, in her crib in her room and the rest of the night in our bed. (The more frequent waking did not coincide with moving her to her crib part-time--she was actually sleeping for two- and three-hour stretches in her crib for a while.) She wakes slightly less frequently when in our bed but still typically needs to be patted back to sleep every one to two hours. As a result, I have not slept for more than three uninterrupted hours since she came home from the hospital.

She often wakes up suddenly, crying almost immediately. At times I have been lying next to her and watched her start crying vigorously in her sleep even before she wakes.  She will also roll over and start crawling while she's still partially asleep. This often results in her lodging herself in the corner of the crib, which then confuses and frightens her.

While I don't rush in to comfort her at the slightest peep, when she truly wakes and cries, I pick her up to calm her down. When she's in bed with us, I can pat her back to sleep sometimes, but at other times I need to pick her up and rock her.

To compound the situation, she has been very attached to me for the last couple of months and will not relax to fall back asleep if she's with my husband. Instead, she cries hysterically until I take her. Granted, we haven't pushed the envelope on how long she will cry when he's trying to calm her; after half an hour of infant emotional meltdown, she, he, and I are usually so worked up that it just doesn't seem worth it to keep trying.

Let's see, a few other random things: She doesn't have a toy or blanket that she's attached to which could help her sleep; we've tried various items, with no success--she's simply not interested in them. We give her a pacifier when she goes to sleep; this helps her sleep but she's not so enamored of it that she seeks it out at bedtime. Nursing her will calm her down, but I try to avoid nursing all the way to sleep so she won't become  dependent on that tactic. A recent string of viruses and febrile seizures has made her even more loathe to sleep anywhere but on my chest in the last month or so.

That's about it. I love my little girl, but not having more than an hour or so to myself to do anything not related to her has become trying. Even absent any suggestions, however, simply writing this down has been cathartic. Thanks for the forum."

I suggested propping the head of the bed to see if it would help at all (to see if it was the old favorite, silent reflux). Shaynee replied:

"Thanks for your response. I'll try raising the crib head, although I tend to think it's not reflux. When she was younger and still spitting up (which she did only rarely, maybe once every couple of days), she was never bothered when anything came back up. Also, she used to calm down instantly when I picked her up, but she would not do so for my husband. Now, with all of the viral goodness that has been going on around here, it takes a while longer for me to calm her at night as well because she's congested or coughing.

A couple of things I neglected to mention in my earlier message: As you probably discerned, I'm not comfortable doing sleep training that involves leaving her to cry. I don't mind if she fusses in an "I disagree that it's time for bed" way, but if she's truly crying I don't want her to be alone. Also, about half the time when I pick her up, she has a lot of gas, so she has a good reason to be crying.

Clearly this has been weighing on me, perhaps more than it should. My milk supply has dwindled markedly in the last few weeks, a combination no doubt of cumulative lack of sleep, her increased intake of solids, and a recent medical procedure that required fasting and really screwed up the mammary system, it seems. (Perhaps that's a topic for a future question.) I've also started to question my ability to parent any additional children, not because I think that poor sleeping is a reflection of bad parenting skills or even bad parents. Rather, I'm worried that if this somewhat minor issue causes me such distress, then I would be unable to handle a "difficult" child, such as a baby with colic. Aside from the sleep issues, my girl is a mellow, easygoing kid who rarely cries and laughs often (and who seems to suffer no ill effects or moods from a lack of sleep)."

I don't think sleep is a "somewhat minor issue" at all. I think sleep is a major major (did I say "major" yet?) issue, and is the thing that causes parents the most stress (aside from serious or chronic illness in their children). Someone once mentioned to me that she thought sleep was The Issue for our generation of parents, the way feeding was in the 80s (when breastfeeding started to come back), and the way toilet training was in the 40s. I don't know why this is, but I agree. Maybe we have so many more issues with sleep because our kids don't sleep on their stomachs anymore? Who knows. But I do know it makes most of us feel completely, worthlessly incompetent at worst and totally fried at best.

Anyway, Shaynee, if I were That Kind Of Lady I'd give you a hug. (I'm not That Kind Of Lady, although if I knew you IRL I'd bring over a sixpack and talk trash about celebrities with you while our kids rolled around on the floor together.) Reading through all of this, I think it sounds like you're just the unfortunate victim of a shitstorm of separation anxiety, sickness, and a tough sleeper. You've thought through everything, and I can't think of anything you haven't tried or ruled out. Did the waking crying thing start after a round of vaccinations? I've heard of some kids having what sounds like sleep apnea for a few months after some shots. The only issue I might try to pursue is the gas one. Can you give Beano to babies that young? Will she sleep on her stomach? She's old enough to roll into whatever position she wants to sleep in, but I wonder if starting her out on her stomach might give her a longer stretch. (She's out of the SIDS range, so I, personally, wouldn't worry about stomach sleeping at this age, but I'm not a professional, so use your own judgement about your own child.)

Now for the good news:

The only-being-comforted-by-you thing sounds like classic separation anxiety, which she'll grow out of in a month or two. At which point you won't have to be the sole comforter. It's also a sign of good attachment, so you know you're doing a great job.

She'll sleep through eventually whether you let her cry it out or not. There are millions of us who couldn't/wouldn't let our babies cry and our kids eventually slept through the night. Probably not at 10 months, but by 15 months, yes. There will absolutely come a day when you're annoyed that she only slept 9 hours in a row instead of her usual 10-11.

I think the most immediate problem that you can take steps right now to fix is getting yourself some sleep. Because that's a separate but equally (if not more!) distressing problem. Since she only accepts you as the comforter at night right now, you'll have to figure out a way to sleep during the day. Can your partner take her for 5 hours one (or two) day(s) this weekend so you can sleep? Do you have a babysitter that she already likes and feels comfortable with? (Now is not the time to try to introduce a sitter for the first time. Not that I made that mistake myself or anything.) If so, can that person take her for 5-6 hours one or two days in a row? I don't know if you WOH, but I would sit down with your partner and talk about the lack of sleep problem and make a plan for you to be able to get 5 hours of sleep every day for three days running. If you could do that, then you'd be caught up just enough that you wouldn't be so brittle and it wouldn't feel like someone was scraping the inside of your skull with a spork every time your baby wakes up in the night.

As for not having another kid, well, I'm not going to be the one to tell you it's a piece of cake, because I find it challenging. But the sleep thing isn't as awful the second time around. I think it's because you know what's coming and you know it's not your fault, and you have a bigger kid and know that eventually the little one will sleep through the night like the big one does.

In the meantime, hang in there. Make sure you're drinking plenty of water, and sit down tonight to make a plan to get yourself some sleep. You're doing a great job.

Comments

[wix]

i'll put my oar in and say that i think the answer lies somewhere in the fact that she has gas and that she sometimes begins crying in her sleep. my guess is that there's something in shaynee's diet, or possibly the baby's new solids diet, that's causing uncomfortable gas, which is leading to the crying and waking.

[kate]

I too was thinking tummy troubles. Also, when my son was at the peak of his overtiredness, he would begin screaming in his sleep right before waking. He wasn't gassy, but it seemed that the end of a sleep cycle was a difficult transition for him, which is why he would wake up crying. I'll never know for sure, but that was my guess.

I agree wholeheartedly w/ Moxie - I hope you are able to get a few solid hours of sleep for a few days, b/c it will make a huge difference.

[Sherry]

When we first thought Sara had reflux, the doctor quickly poo pooed it since she had been sleeping soundly through the night. So, I agree w/Moxie...there's a distinct possibility that it could be some sort of tummy issue.

Also, with regards to napping: I also totally agree with Moxie that when the nighttime routine gets better, the naps will fall into place. My twins, now 5 months, when they sleep well at night, their naps are like clockwork and restful. If not, they're tired and cranky all day. And, it's a hard cycle to break.

I can only imagine what Shaynee might be feeling right now, with regards to the utter exhaustion. Do what you can to get some sleep. Here's to hoping you find some zzzzzzzz's soon.

[shayneegray]

Thanks for the support and suggestions. My daughter has always had a slightly touchy digestive system: When she was little, pooping caused her all manner of discomfort as she was learning to coordinate those muscles. And now that solids are playing a larger and larger role in her diet, she's encountering some of the same issues again. Even now she begins each day with what I have come to call the "morning off-gassing"--a fanfare of farting that would make a drunken frat guy proud. So hopefully once her stomach grows even more used to solid foods, some of these issues will resolve. (Also, Moxie mentioned she has found, anecdotally, that many kids have a sleep regression around 9 months. My little one was a month early, so perhaps she's experiencing it at 10 months instead.)

As for grabbing some time for myself, unfortunately we do not have a regular sitter. We've, uh, never left her with a sitter, only the grandparents once or twice (as such, we've only been out to dinner alone once since she arrived). A somewhat disturbing side fact: I calculated the other day that I've only spent, cumulatively, about 25 hours away from her--as in, out of range of being able to hear her cry--since she came home from the hospital, mostly for doctors appointments, haircuts, and the like. This and our not having left her with a sitter stem less from some hyper maternal drive or "No, we can't leave our precious baby!" feeling than from simply having settled into a rut. I worked from home even before she was born, and my husband and I tend to do all the mundane things of life, like grocery shopping, together. When she arrived, we just took her with us all the time. And now that she's having sleep issues, I don't feel comfortable saddling someone with watching her. We also don't know too many people we could call upon to watch her. We moved to our current city about a year and a half ago. Being the less than gregarious people that we are, we haven't met too many folks yet. We've made friends through a couple of parenting groups, but they're all the overtired parents of infants as well. The grandparents and other family live in another state, so they can offer only sporadic relief.

However, my parents will be in town next week, and I imagine their arrival to be something like this: "Isn't your granddaugther cute? Wouldn't you like to play with her for several hours? Here, I'll be upstairs napping." The sick fact is that even when presented with the chance to grab a little sleep, my body is so used to this screwed up sleep schedule that I often can't relax. Last weekend my husband noticed I was looking particularly squirrely one morning, so he took the baby downstairs to let me sleep in. I stayed in bed for two hours, tossing and turning and only grabbing about 25 minutes of actual sleep before I gave up.

Clearly I need to make some changes in how I carve out a little time for myself. Thanks for reminding me of that and for giving me a place to vent. Just getting it out is cathartic in its own right, as evidenced by the length of my original message and this sub-post. Sorry to highjack so much space.

[MotherLawyer]

Shaynee I am crying with you as what you have described is exactly what my 9 mos old is doing. Since I do WOH I am losing my mind with exhaustion and frustration. It's like he has forgotten how to sleep, because mine did know how to sleep "through" by the time I went back to work until mid August when his bottom teeth started coming in. It frustrates me to no end b/c he will sleep soundly and peacefully if I sit up on the couch nursing and holding him in my lap (not so good sleep for mamma) but put him in his bed and he immediately is up on all fours and getting to his feet to scream at me. He even freaks if I just take him into our bed and lay him down next to me. I am so confused/tired/frustrated. ACK!

I have tried to do some CIO (ducking), but things seem to be getting worse not better. My pool of pediatrician/moms that have opined say you just have to let 'em cry, but for goodness sakes 2 hours of crying seems WAY too much.

If it is separation anxiety then what do you do besides just wait for it to pass?

[Moxie]

MotherLawyer, this sucks. FWIW, there are some kids who just can't be CIO'd, and if you have one it's good to know that. I can't imagine letting a kid cry for 2 hours! How excruciating for everyone.

Do you think the waking is still from the teething? If so, dose him up. I've been giving El Pequeno acetominphen suppositories (he can't spit it out, it's always the right dose, is easy to administer in the dark, and has no artificial colors or flavors) and it makes a huge difference in the kind of night we have. It's even better when I dose him with Humphreys #3 *and* the pain reliever at bedtime.

The only real thing to do about the separation anxiety is to wait it out. I think CIO would actually make it last even longer because it would be taking yourself away from him so he'd want you back even more. Plus CIO makes kids even more anxious anyway, so it doesn't surprise me that it's making it worse for you.

So can you dose him (my ped said a double-dose to start the night was OK as long as it wasn't all the time) and just have him in bed with you so you at least don't have to get up when he wakes up? He can't sleep any worse than he is right now, so bringing him into bed with you won't screw anything up.

My only other suggestion is to try to go to sleep as early in the evening as possible. Maybe you can get a few uninterrupted hours from 9 to midnight, at least.

[J]

Urrgh! Oh, Shaynee, I could have written that post myself. Actually, I was already mentally composing a very similar post to Moxie when I saw yours. It's so tough. Like Motherlawyer, I also WOH (and also happen to be a lawyer) and it's just killing me to be up so much at night and not have the chance to nap during the day to make up for it. My daughter turns 1 year this Friday. She spent the first 6 months sleeping in her bouncy seat next to our bed (that was the only place she would sleep), from 4-6 months, she was going to bed at 10 pm and waking at 4 for an early morning nursing, and then back to sleep til 8. After she turned 6 months, all hell broke loose. She now wakes every 1-2.5 hours all through the night. She always needs rocking back to sleep in order to fall back to sleep. Sometimes she won't fall back to sleep for an hour. Many times she will fall back to sleep only to wake up the instant I lay her down (either in the bed with me or in her crib, it doesn't matter). And I have to start the whole process again. And sometimes that process will go on for 2-3 hours, so usually one of us ends up just sitting up with her in the rocking chair and dozing while she sleeps and hoping we don't fall so soundly asleep that we drop her on the ground. She goes to bed at 8 pm and usually nurses at 12 and 3 am (with many wakings up in between where she doesn't nurse) and wakes up for good around 6:30-7:00 am. My husband splits duties with me, but we're both just exhausted. We've taken to sleeping in separate rooms and one of us takes her for half the night and the other takes her for the other half so that we each can get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, although since I have the boobs, even my uninterrupted sleep is sometimes interrupted by her wanting to nurse. Also she's having some serious separation anxiety now, so sometimes she just cries because she wants me.

We have tried raising the head of the mattress. We have tried white noise. We have tried to get her attached to some kind of stuffed animal (nope, my boobs will do just fine thankyouverymuch). We have had her ears checked. We have given her mylicon in case it is gas. We have tried giving her a big bottle of formula. We have tried giving her a big bottle of formula with rice cereal mixed in. Nothing has improved her sleeping. I cling to the idea that someday it will improve, but I feel like I can't see that day anywhere in the near future. It's just been going on for so long, with no real improvement. Also, just like Shaynee, I can't even imagine trying to have another child while this one's sleep is still so spotty. I just can't imagine being pregnant and as sleep deprived as I am right now. It colors my whole attitude toward life.

Oh well, I guess I just mean to say that I understand.