Q&A: aggression in 1-year-old

AmyinMotown asks:

"My will-be-one on Friday baby girl has developed a temper and a very unpleasant way of expressing it. She bites, hits, head butts, etc. when I take her away from something she wants to get into or sometimes if she's just mad. I want to nip this in the bud, no pun intended, but am not sure how to do it in the most gentle and affirming way. I want her to know it's okay to be mad but not okay to hit and bite. Is she too young for timeouts? Any other ideas? Redirect doesn't seem to work yet; she's incredibly strong willed."

Damned if I know.

Seriously, though, this is one of the toughest ages because you really can't do much of anything. They're not being aggressive to hurt someone else. They're just being aggressive because they're frustrated because they can't express themselves and because they have no control over their lives and environments. I can tell you what we did with El Chico when he was that age, but it didn't completely eliminate the problem for us, either. I think it's extremely important to remember that this is normal behavior for this age, so even if you can't get rid of it, you're not raising a monster and it'll get better (and then worse again, and then better, and then worse again, and then eventually they go off to college).

First, I made a concerted effort to talk to him about what was going to happen that day. In the morning I'd tell him what we were going to do for the whole day. Then right before we'd do it I'd tell him again, and as we were in transit somewhere I'd tell him where we were going and how we got there. He seemed to be calmer and in a much better mood when he knew what was going to happen that day, or where we were going when we were on the road.

Also, I was very sure to give him a 3-minute warning before removing him from any activity. Think about how pissed you'd be if you were reading a blog and all of a sudden your partner came and turned off the computer without telling you first. You'd throw your toys, too. Once I started giving the little warning ("We have to eat lunch now--say goodbye to your truck. You can play with it after lunch." Then give a couple of minutes for the kid to say goodbye.) transitions became so much easier.

Third, consider teaching some sign language. El Chico only picked up a few signs (milk, more, "all done" were the ones he used all the time) but they helped cut down on his frustration immensely. He knew I understood what he was trying to tell me, and we seemed to be able to understand each other better even when he wasn't using signs. (He had a friend who had over 30 signs by 12 months, and this kid was sooooo mellow. I think it was because she could basically say whatever she wanted to at that age.)

Four, keep repeating yourself. Remove her hands (or teeth) from you, repeat "no biting/hitting," and redirect her to something else. Repeat this 30 times a day for several months. It won't work, but the alternative is just to do nothing, which won't work either.

Five, remember that a strong will is the sign of a healthy child. It's driving you nuts right now, but it'll be an important trait for her later in life.

I think time-outs are only ever effective to remove the kid from the immediate situation as a redirect. I don't think it's a good punishment or disciplinary tool other than to change the focus of the situation for a few minutes. (I know people are going to write in about how it works so well for their kids, and how can I say it doesn't work, etc. I just think it's another system kids learn to game instead of learning from.) So it doesn't even make sense to label it a "time-out" for a baby that young. Removing her from the situation will probably work as well as anything else will at this age, though.

When El Chico was around that age, I read Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting and it made me look at discipline in a different way than I'd been thinking of it before. It doesn't have many practical solutions for kids under the age of 3 (and is probably best for kids 5 and up), but it switched my mindset and made it easier for me to deal with this super-frustrating stage when they're really out of control so much of the time.

Good luck. This is such a strange time because the energy you use to parent shifts and it's almost a completely different task.
 

Comments

[MFA Mama]

Ooooh that's my Middle guy to a T. Thanks for reminding me that it means he feels secure--I guess I can take his frequent tantrums and "baby cursing" as a sign that the little one's illness isn't warping him that much after all :-)

[wix]

CX (19 mos) will hit himself in the face or hit our faces when he's frustrated or angry, and we have NO IDEA where that behavior came from because we've never modeled anything like that, and I am super-strict about media exposure, so it would not have been something he's seen elsewhere (i.e., on TV). He doesn't seem to correlate the action with the word 'hit', either.

We found that just not reacting to the (incredibly disturbing) behavior curbed some of his self-abuse. Just looking at him dispassionately and then looking away, or leaving the room, which works well with tantrums, too--he's quite the little performance artist. If we're holding him and he strikes at us, we'll look him in the eye and say, "No hitting," or "Don't hit Daddy/Mommy," or "No hitting, be nice to Daddy/Mommy," that kind of thing. After that I'll put him down and either walk away or get a book of his and start reading it, which will sometimes prevent a full-scale meltdown after a 'no hit' exchange.

His vocabulary is in the 100-word range, so it's not so much that he can't communicate verbally, because he's quite good at telling us what he wants.

I think a lot of CX's worst behavior comes out when he's hungry, or tired, or, worst of all, both. And even with what seems to be a large vocabulary for a 19-month-old, he's working through his emotions and also testing our limits/pushing boundaries. (I know adults who don't do a much better job than our little boy.) So making sure that he has a snack or has rested and isn't bored can go a long way in keeping the peace in our home.

[Ally]

I considered writing about this very topic! Jamie is very into hitting, kicking, and hair-pulling. We do what's been suggested - no hitting, that hurts. If he keeps hitting I put him down (it's usually when I'm holding him for whatever reason). My biggest frutration right now is putting his shoes on. He thinks it's great fun to try and kick mommy in the face with the fun clompy shoes. Urgh.

[Linda]

My kids like to hit our animals and each other, which is obviously a no-no. Instead of always telling them not to hit, we say, "Gentle!" and show them how to gently pet the cat or each other. It took about 2 months of solid concentrated effort on both our parts, but they respond to just the word now and we don't have to show them what gentle means.

Also, my Parents As Teachers leader told me it's important to show them what they CAN do. So no, they can't hit each other, but they can hit this pillow. Or give me a high 5. They can't climb on the dining room table, but they can climb on the couch. They can't bite me, but they can bite a hard toy. That sort of thing.

[Linda]

Oh, my kids are a little over 18 months old, not sure if that makes a difference.

[Tertia]

Thank you for this. I could have written the question myself. Adam is at that stage now. I can see it is from frustration, but I can't just do nothing about biting and hitting. I worry that he is going to be a complete bully. But I do remind myself that he is probably just very frustrated.

Interestingly enough, he reserves most of the most aggressive behaviour for me! He doesn't do the biting and hitting to any one else much, but when he sees me he goes crazy.

It's almost as if he is mad at me for making him wait to be picked up, or because I dont understand what he is trying to tell me.

[Moxie]

Got to run, but the stage Linda and wix's kids are in is a whole different story, and it seems they're both on to the right answer.

The year-old stage is just frustrating. More later.

[Linda]

MOXIE SAID I WAS ON TO THE RIGHT ANSWER!!! It is crazy that I consider that such high praise? :)

[Ally]

"My kids like to hit our animals and each other, which is obviously a no-no. Instead of always telling them not to hit, we say, "Gentle!" and show them how to gently pet the cat or each other. It took about 2 months of solid concentrated effort on both our parts, but they respond to just the word now and we don't have to show them what gentle means."

Yeah, Jamie does this too, and we've been using gentle for awhile. Of course, at 14 mos, he thinks it's great fun to be gentle, receive the praise, then commence smacking the crap out of the dogs. Poor dogs. They're usually on the other side of a gate, and yet, with the promise of crackers, they keep coming back for more.

"Also, my Parents As Teachers leader told me it's important to show them what they CAN do. So no, they can't hit each other, but they can hit this pillow. Or give me a high 5. They can't climb on the dining room table, but they can climb on the couch. They can't bite me, but they can bite a hard toy. That sort of thing."

I read that in Positive Discipline. I think it's really helped our frustration level as well, especially my husband's. It's more satisfying for everyone to actually resolve the situation somewhat, instead of just focusing on "no."

Funny - Jamie's just tall enough now to see things on top of the kitchen table and if they're on the edge, reach up and grab them. So as soon as we go into the kitchen, we go through, "no honey, you can't have the glass, but you can have this, this, and this," and I'll line up a half dozen things for him to eyeball and knock down.

[AmyinMotown]

Thanks, Moxie (and the rest of y'uns). I was tlking wiht sme other arents who have bbies about the same age as her, and they all say there seems to be a little mini-adolesence that happens around now. I started the warning thing and it seems to be helping, as does just holding and comforting her when she gets angry and saying "I know you're frustrated but you can't (chew on electrical cords or whatever else is the delectable forbidden fruit of the day)." So does Ally's, above, telling her she can't have or do X but she can do these other four things. Now, too, when she tries to bite and I tell her no, that it hurts Mama, she bites her own hand. (????) And especially I appreciate hearing that this is normal and I am not raising a little bully, that she'll grow out of it. She's big for her age (off the charts for height) and as a little kid who got pushed arund by big kids, I worry about the Mean Girl aspect.

[Moxie]

Tertia, if he saves it for you that's a great sign, because it means he's bonded most with you so he saves it up to give to the person he feels safest with.

wix and Ally, we also went through the self-hitting thing, and were driving ourselves crazy trying to figure out where he was getting the idea that he should hit himself. We never did figure it out, and then it stopped, so I think it might just be something some kids do, like picking their noses later on. We tried to approach it like we did the rest of the hitting and biting ("We don't hit people or animals") and he doesn't seem to have any self-image problems now at 3 1/2. He doesn't recriminate himself particularly for doing things wrong, either.

Kids under 2 are *way* too young for this, but when they get older (like 3) I think it's helpful, if you have a bigger kid (like Adam and AmyinMotown's girl and El Chico), to talk to them about how they have to be extra careful with kids who are smaller in size than they are, even if they're the same age. At that age they can understand that some kids are big and some are small, and that pushing another big kid doesn't hurt so much, but pushing a smaller kid can hurt that kid.

A mom on the playground told me once that the year after they turn 1 you have to watch them like hawks to make sure they don't hurt themselves, and the year after they're 2 so they don't hurt other kids, but then the year after they turn 3 you can go sit on the bench and watch from a distance. I've found it to be true.

[Rayne of Terror]

My 11 month old started biting once he had 4 teeth and when he's teething he bites me a lot. I say "no biting" loudly and put him down, but that has only curbed biting while nursing. Mostly he is either playful or cuddling when he does it. Today he was kissing my neck and face after nursing and before nap and he bit my ear hard. I actually screamed it hurt so bad, said no bite, and put him down in his crib.

I wouldn't be super concerned except he's going to start daycare in a little over a month. I would be mortified, ashamed, and so very sorry if he bit a baby at daycare. I really want to stop this behavior, but it seems to coincide with teething and so goes in fits and starts. I will try giving him something appropriate to bite. Any other thoughts?